emotional highs and lows

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Kit Kat
@kit-kat
7 months ago
230 posts

Hey everyone :) 

I've been having a rough time with some things.. There are a bunch of sources I'm drawing from for help but I just figured it might help to talk about it on here & see if you guys have any advice. 

So my biggest problem is love addiction with codependent traits secondary to it. I noticed that some of the traits of codependency and being an empath are similar (like 'not being able to separate one's feelings from the feelings of others'). This has also been bothering me because I worry that I'm just a codependent and not an empath :( (Deep down, I can't/don't believe this is true, but it's something I have considered) Anyway. Since my last relationship I've been pretty down. Lots of health challenges because of the anxiety and depression (and extreme empathy) that have ensued. I'm having trouble forgetting this person I was going out with even though it's over. I have obsessive thoughts and feel like I'm having withdrawals a lot of the time.

Do you think we as empaths are more susceptible to love addiction than other people?

Do you have any advice about how to stop thinking about someone & how to stop liking them? Advice about giving up codependent traits while still keeping high levels of empathy? Advice about love addiction?

KitKat


updated by @kit-kat: 07/31/17 05:59:12PM
Soothsayer4
@soothsayer4
7 months ago
44 posts

kitKat,

Well, I have been there before. It is difficult to sort out the spiritual and the psychological for the kind of people we are.  However, it is probably a bit of both.  Severing a relationship normally has a consequence of withdrawal or feelings of emptiness no matter how it ended.  Though, empaths seem to have the extra sense of the energy "connection" embedded in the relationship. This has an extra tug on us when ending a relationship and entails an extra step in the full severance procedure.  There are levels to a break-up: emotional, psychological, physical, social...and spiritual or psychic (for Empaths).  We just have that added step - or are at least aware of it 

if you are really and fully ready for the complete severance then imagine a cord connected to you from that person that you manually grab and disconnect from your body... it's the energy links from that person that stay connected way past the break-up. Visualizing yourself doing this and feeling the break will help you tremendously if you are fully ready for that last step.  Though, psychologically, you will have to determine this readiness.  There is no turning back afterwards.

Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
7 months ago
480 posts

@kit-kat:

After reading your post I was on another empath site reading random stuff and happened upon this course. I wonder if this could be helpful to you?

https://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/courses/courseoverview.cgi?cid=302

Kit Kat
@kit-kat
7 months ago
230 posts

Soothsayer4:

kitKat,

Well, I have been there before. It is difficult to sort out the spiritual and the psychological for the kind of people we are.  However, it is probably a bit of both.  Severing a relationship normally has a consequence of withdrawal or feelings of emptiness no matter how it ended.  Though, empaths seem to have the extra sense of the energy "connection" embedded in the relationship. This has an extra tug on us when ending a relationship and entails an extra step in the full severance procedure.  There are levels to a break-up: emotional, psychological, physical, social...and spiritual or psychic (for Empaths).  We just have that added step - or are at least aware of it 

if you are really and fully ready for the complete severance then imagine a cord connected to you from that person that you manually grab and disconnect from your body... it's the energy links from that person that stay connected way past the break-up. Visualizing yourself doing this and feeling the break will help you tremendously if you are fully ready for that last step.  Though, psychologically, you will have to determine this readiness.  There is no turning back afterwards.

Soothsayer4, Thank you!! I really like your advice to sever the connection. Man it's hard for me to do that. It really wakes me up to how much I don't want to stop thinking about this person. But I know that what you said about the spiritual connection is very wise. It is a hard last step... It feels so final. I am willing to take this advice, though, when I am ready <3 I hope I feel ready soon. I feel so close to people, but especially this person. And yet I feel completely alone a lot, too... : )

Kit Kat
@kit-kat
7 months ago
230 posts

Hop Daddy:

@kit-kat:

After reading your post I was on another empath site reading random stuff and happened upon this course. I wonder if this could be helpful to you?

https://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/courses/courseoverview.cgi?cid=302

Thanks! This is something I will consider!! I really appreciate it : ) 

TigerLily
@tigerlily
7 months ago
303 posts
@ kit-kat. I would like to say first, don't allow this situation to doubt who you are as an empath. You are going through a rough bump right now and are actually feeling your own feelings for a change. Which is a good thing. Take the time now to just focus on you. I know easier said than done right? What is it that you want, that maybe you didn't have the opportunity to before?

As for Co dependent. I'm not sure on this because I've been single for years, but I have dated alot but that's it. Being single does get lonely, and I do like being around others (sometimes) But the one good thing about it, I answer to no one. I never have to worry about someone getting upset about anything in the house, except for myself for not doing it. Then I do it and then feel better lol.

As for thinking about him. That's hard, I still struggle with this and dating!!! You are used to this person and have had them in your life for some time. It's only natural. You miss them. Over time it will go away. People always say "pick a hobby" "try doing xyz to get your mind off of it" Those things never helped me, the only thing that did was being around friends and family as much as I could. I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this and my heart goes out to you.
Bookworm
@bookworm
7 months ago
85 posts
Hi Kit Kat
I don't know if this will help you and you received some good advice already so feel free to ignore me if it doesn't feel right to you!
But I wanted to reply because what you said about obsessive thoughts and not being able to stop thinking about someone even though you want to is something I very much identify with - I've had this problem with one person in particular.
I don't know why but something about your situation seems very familiar in this case. For me, it was a friendship which almost developed into something more but it never did because, although I didn't know anything about empaths back then I did sense that I needed to try and keep some firm boundaries between us because of the many issues he's had to deal with in his life. For a really long time I held onto the idea that we still had a friendship because I could not accept that maybe this person was taking advantage of my good nature - not because he's a bad person or anything but very damaged which as I'm sure you know can result in some hurtful behaviour.
Eventually I did have to come to accept that this friendship wasn't healthy, and that even if the hurtful things he did were unintentional, and even though I really wanted to be a good friend and be there for him, all that was happening was he made me feel crappy about myself and he used me to dump all his shit on and feel better about himself (though I do think this was mostly unconscious.)
Anyway, even just accepting that was HARD. Cutting him out of my life was even harder, and I went through a difficult phase of thinking about him a lot and feeling incredibly guilty and worrying I'd done the wrong thing and wondering if I should cave and try to find some way to reach out to him. But I also knew that a lot of what I was feeling was fear (and I think some of that fear was also his, because he had known he could always rely on me for so long and now he suddenly couldn't). But I had thought really long and hard about severing the links between us and why I should do it, and I felt deep down it was the right decision. Even though I miss him, I know now this was the right decision. I am so much happier now without this toxic relationship skewing my perceptions of a lot of things, including myself. It also helped me to realise some really important things about myself and learn some lessons I probably should have learned a while ago! But overall it has been a difficult but positive experience and I feel more like myself, and like a better person, because I listened to my instincts about this. So the reason I told you that long story about me is because I think the situations are a little similar and what helped me most was:
Cutting cords - it was hard but it made a huge difference. I had to do this more than once and actually it helped me to accept that a part of me was afraid to let go - I needed to acknowledge those feelings before I was really ready to move on.
Reminding myself (a lot!) Why I made this decision and why it would be better for everyone in the long run.
Being patient with myself for taking a long time to get over it and stop obsessively thinking about it all the time - and remembering that some of what I was feeling was headed my way from his direction too, although again I don't think it was intentional.

As I said, I still miss him and think about him sometimes, but I don't feel guilty or blame myself anymore. We both made mistakes and now we can both move on hopefully to a brighter future even if we didn't end up close friends like I wished.
Obviously your situation is different and unique to you, but if any of that is helpful or makes you feel better then please take away whatever is useful :)
Sending you some happy vibes xx hope things get a little easier xx
Kit Kat
@kit-kat
7 months ago
230 posts

TigerLily: @ kit-kat. I would like to say first, don't allow this situation to doubt who you are as an empath. You are going through a rough bump right now and are actually feeling your own feelings for a change. Which is a good thing. Take the time now to just focus on you. I know easier said than done right? What is it that you want, that maybe you didn't have the opportunity to before? As for Co dependent. I'm not sure on this because I've been single for years, but I have dated alot but that's it. Being single does get lonely, and I do like being around others (sometimes) But the one good thing about it, I answer to no one. I never have to worry about someone getting upset about anything in the house, except for myself for not doing it. Then I do it and then feel better lol. As for thinking about him. That's hard, I still struggle with this and dating!!! You are used to this person and have had them in your life for some time. It's only natural. You miss them. Over time it will go away. People always say "pick a hobby" "try doing xyz to get your mind off of it" Those things never helped me, the only thing that did was being around friends and family as much as I could. I'm really sorry to hear you are going through this and my heart goes out to you.

Thank you so much! <3 Your empathy is beautiful!! I like your hobby idea.. I've been a little depressed so things don't seem to make me as happy as they used to, but I do believe that time will help. Thank you for the comforting thoughts! And yes.. hard to feel my own feelings.. But I like how you worded that. It makes me think that maybe life is forcing me to practice will being more in touch with myself, which is definitely something I want to get better at..

Kit Kat
@kit-kat
7 months ago
230 posts

Bookworm "] Hi Kit Kat I don't know if this will help you and you received some good advice already so feel free to ignore me if it doesn't feel right to you! But I wanted to reply because what you said about obsessive thoughts and not being able to stop thinking about someone even though you want to is something I very much identify with - I've had this problem with one person in particular. I don't know why but something about your situation seems very familiar in this case. For me, it was a friendship which almost developed into something more but it never did because, although I didn't know anything about empaths back then I did sense that I needed to try and keep some firm boundaries between us because of the many issues he's had to deal with in his life. For a really long time I held onto the idea that we still had a friendship because I could not accept that maybe this person was taking advantage of my good nature - not because he's a bad person or anything but very damaged which as I'm sure you know can result in some hurtful behaviour. Eventually I did have to come to accept that this friendship wasn't healthy, and that even if the hurtful things he did were unintentional, and even though I really wanted to be a good friend and be there for him, all that was happening was he made me feel crappy about myself and he used me to dump all his shit on and feel better about himself (though I do think this was mostly unconscious.) Anyway, even just accepting that was HARD. Cutting him out of my life was even harder, and I went through a difficult phase of thinking about him a lot and feeling incredibly guilty and worrying I'd done the wrong thing and wondering if I should cave and try to find some way to reach out to him. But I also knew that a lot of what I was feeling was fear (and I think some of that fear was also his, because he had known he could always rely on me for so long and now he suddenly couldn't). But I had thought really long and hard about severing the links between us and why I should do it, and I felt deep down it was the right decision. Even though I miss him, I know now this was the right decision. I am so much happier now without this toxic relationship skewing my perceptions of a lot of things, including myself. It also helped me to realise some really important things about myself and learn some lessons I probably should have learned a while ago! But overall it has been a difficult but positive experience and I feel more like myself, and like a better person, because I listened to my instincts about this. So the reason I told you that long story about me is because I think the situations are a little similar and what helped me most was: Cutting cords - it was hard but it made a huge difference. I had to do this more than once and actually it helped me to accept that a part of me was afraid to let go - I needed to acknowledge those feelings before I was really ready to move on. Reminding myself (a lot!) Why I made this decision and why it would be better for everyone in the long run. Being patient with myself for taking a long time to get over it and stop obsessively thinking about it all the time - and remembering that some of what I was feeling was headed my way from his direction too, although again I don't think it was intentional. As I said, I still miss him and think about him sometimes, but I don't feel guilty or blame myself anymore. We both made mistakes and now we can both move on hopefully to a brighter future even if we didn't end up close friends like I wished. Obviously your situation is different and unique to you, but if any of that is helpful or makes you feel better then please take away whatever is useful :) Sending you some happy vibes xx hope things get a little easier xx

Wow, it means so much that you wrote this out for me!! Thank you SO much.. :) I'm really glad you shared this. I can relate a ton. I know some relationships just aren't healthy, even friendships.. I just don't have very many friends, so I don't want to lose this person as a friend. He means a lot to me even despite what happened between us. I believe cutting cords is important in a lot of cases. Man.. this is super hard for me, though.. He's also the only person I am attracted to in my life right now. And he's been helping me with stuff he says - it's very insightful; he has a brilliant mind. But I have to do what's best for us. I'm really struggling with what that is. But what you wrote gives me many good things to think about!

Thank you for the happy vibes, too :) Yes, what you wrote helped! Just even knowing I'm not alone  in this stuff helps... 

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