Negative feelings surrounding one particular person

CalMidwester
@calmidwester
3 months ago
104 posts

Piggybacking off of the relationship thread, has anyone struggled with and/or overcome extremely negative feelings about one particular person?  Not gonna lie, it's my spouse. I love him fiercely - like if someone threatened him or was mean to him, I would unhesitatingly spring to his defense.  However, our daily communication is terrible.  I constantly feel like he isn't listening to me, like he resents me, and is dishonest or just holds back his feelings.  The resentment is mainly for those two issues, that he is lying on a regular basis and that he also just wants me to be calm and happy so he can ignore me.  These are ongoing problems and my friend recently said 'why are you expecting anything different, it's always been this way.'  She is right.

So, any ideas for steps to reduce the negative feelings on my end.  Let's assume that he will not ever be changing.  I need to change. 

Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
3 months ago
362 posts

@calmidwester:

I have gone through and still deal with what you described with my wife. As humans we are very connected with our spouses. And that is double or triple as empaths. In my case my wife often buries her frustrations with me and other things. She bottles it up and then it causes resentment. I pick up on that all the time. And it is really hard to deal with. Sometimes she just feels toxic. She may be having a bad day and try to control it but I pick up on everything that she feels and end up very anxious. I also have trouble when she is really upset with someone else and vents to me. I feel the heat and anger coming off of her words and I get anxious and tightness in my chest. This again isn’t her fault. I’m the empath sponge so I have had to find a way to deal with it.

As for solutions, I try to get my wife to improve communication with me so that things don't get bottled up. But after 24 years of marriage, we still have a lot of room for improvement in that area as bottling things up is how she is. For coping, grounding is a must whenever I can to clear me. And then sometimes distance helps. In other words I don't stick around long when she is upset with someone or me. I tell her we'll talk about it later when things have cooled and I get out of there. I am careful not to abandon her when she needs me, but at the same time if it is going to be a protracted venting session I do put a limit on how much I can take.

As for your situation it is hard to change people. You’ve been married a long time so I’m sure you both have your routines and ways of dealing with each other (right or wrong). Maybe you can talk to him about getting out of your rut and improving how to interact with each other. Having better communication with each other where you can both exchange feelings like “you make me feel like this when you do that” does help better understand each other. But if that is not an option, you need to take care of yourself through grounding and creating your own happiness each day. And by being happier you may actually be able to lift his mood with your higher vibration.

 

CalMidwester
@calmidwester
3 months ago
104 posts

I have heard this idea of lifting someone to your higher vibration quite a lot lately.  It must mean I need to think more about this.  We do have fairly separate lives and he travels a lot for work. It works for us, although I am not sure how it will be going forward as our kids continue to get older.  But, I will stay in the moment and just do the best I can.  I am certainly working on me right now!  Thanks so much!!

Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
3 months ago
362 posts

That's a great idea. Work on yourself and see where that leads. You may notice that things with him are improved when you are at your best.

TigerLily
@tigerlily
3 months ago
269 posts
I have a question. Maybe this is a separate discussion. Why is it that we need to lift ourselves up for our partner to be? What if it is there negative energy bringing us down, and then making them more negative? We all know this is exhausting, and if it's the "gift" it's alot of work lol. Sorry I'm emotional and physically exhausted these days.
CalMidwester
@calmidwester
3 months ago
104 posts

Outside of this forum, I have been told that at some point, it is a thing where negative vibrations/energy can drag you down, and you may just have to just get away from them.  I guess it is complicated if and when it's a spouse and you have to sort through the commitment you made, etc.  

In my religious background, suffering is pushed as a virtue.  I am starting to see how much this can be used to make people feel they must put up with not only straight out abuse, but also just bad situations.  It's just very complicated in the end.  I think wanting to be happy is not a bad thing.  In my case, I truly don't know what to do.  Sometimes I wonder if it's me, maybe I just expect too much or maybe I'd have the same issues with anyone.  I am trying not to think as much about it and take things more day by day and just tell myself that eventually I will have the answers and confidence in the right path.

Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
3 months ago
362 posts

@tigerlily:

Very good question. My view is that we have some very strong emotional powers. I have the ability to light up the room with light and high energy and have everyone laughing and being happy. And I also have the ability to bring the room down as fast as a dumpster fire when I am low. Based on my exchanges with other empaths it appears that this is a shared experience and not something specific to me. Perhaps you agree with how your moods affect those around you. Let me know on that. 

I have tested this theory out myself by being around people on separate occasions when I was really happy and calm and also when I was anxious and tired. I purposely tried to keep a straight face both times so no one would be able to read my body language. And in the happy mood example, people gravitated to me and were very chatty. And in the anxious low feeling example, people were fidgety around me and kept their distance. So my point is that we as empaths not only absorb energies around us, but we also expel some of those energies that we have absorbed. And that can be very hard on a significant other. In my case, I can't expect my wife to be happy and at her best when I am influencing her state of mind through my empathy. As a result, I have taken responsibility for how I am around her and my kids. And when I come home with a big black cloud over my head from a tough empathy day I ask them to allow me some quiet time so that I can ground and pull myself together. I find we've had a much happier home since I've learned to monitor and control how my empathy impacts the household mood.

I also totally get that none of us wants to be around or live with someone who is toxic. My view is that you can’t honestly judge a significant other on whether they are right for you until to make sure you are not influencing their mood for the worse.

TigerLily
@tigerlily
3 months ago
269 posts
I agree, but to me I feel as a human on this earth, it feels like my energy dictates that person. And I have to keep working hard to keep me up to bring others up yet battle the negativity that person is feeling so I dont absorb it. And if im down, they are down. The energy needed to have to put back in us to bring my sunshine smile while someone takes it. Guess it's a "life is not fair" Where we work hard to bring us up/ground/etc and those around us don't and just continue to take. Yet if I take or just feel their energy to feel good is wrong, we all know that. I'm getting sucked dry by people, and when I need my space they are mad. I'm exhausted with this battle.
Lotusfly
@lotusfly
3 months ago
410 posts

@tigerlily, It may be a question of which came first: your down mood or theirs? Sometimes it's hard to tell. But you have to decide if you're going to wait for them to feel better to bring you up or if you're going to take responsibility and change your mood. It's not easy dealing with people's emotions as well as our own. We can't blame others' bad moods, because they can't really help it either. We're all in the same boat of dealing with moods and how we affect each other, empath or not. But environment and the people we associate with play a huge role in how we feel and our state of mind. So choose wisely :) Choose to eliminate negative people and circumstances from your life to live a more positive existence. We always have choices.

@calmidwester, Yes, you will know what to do when the time is right :) Keep an eye out for the signs and your gut instincts. You are right that religion can be limiting and make a person feel trapped. Ultimately, we all have to think for ourselves on what is right for us, regardless of what anyone else thinks. Oftentimes, religion comes with a set of rules and makes people feel bad about themselves if they don't live up to them. How about make your own rules/guidelines and beliefs for a healthy/happy life?

@hop-daddy, I believe we affect others (even non-empaths) so strongly because of our drastic mood changes and because we are an open channel (that is how we absorb emotions from others) and so others can read us easier than non-empaths. We wear our emotions on our exterior, where some "normals" can hide them better. Maybe also because we can't help but be honest about how we feel. :)


updated by @lotusfly: 03/15/17 07:58:49PM
Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
2 months ago
362 posts

Well said @lotusfly!

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
2 months ago
410 posts

Thanks @hop-daddy! :)

Hermes.V
@hermes
2 months ago
95 posts
Hi, this is a very interesting topic, thanks for bringing it up. I wonder if you are familiar with the concept of psychic dominance and psychic landscapes. I am not going to go in-depth with the theories, just a basic outline if you will. The concept goes like this, whenever more than one psyche interact, there will be a collective consciousness between them. If the group consists of three people them this collective is shared by the three people. Usually, this collective is dominated by a one of the members either personally or through a subgroup of the collective. This ability to influence the collective consciousness is what is called psychic dominance. Sometimes this dominance happens consciously, sometimes it happens unconsciously. Hop Daddy for instance has strong psychic dominance, it is noticable ;) and quite intriguing.
Now let's focus on the collective of two people. When one of the two dominate the collective, this means that his/her thoughts and emotions dominate and influence the collective. This does not mean that each member directly feels the emotion or thoughts of the other. What they feel is the mixture of thoughts and emotional input accumulated over time during the relationship. So, working with this theory, it means that if we clean the collective consciousness of old emotions, it would make it harder for those situations to occur. If we do not clean it, then those situations (feelings) tend to surface. To gain dominance over this collective, simply build up your capability for psychic dominance, which is a variation of shielding. In other words, the more adept you are at shielding the stronger your potential for psychic dominance.
Now then lets get into more practical parts. @calmidwester we will deal here with the 'run-time' situation. Firstly, in the interaction, be aware of your own thoughts and emotions. Be particularly aware of the feelings of resentment and 'fear' of your partner being dishonest and holding back his feelings. Whats important here is that you do not react in the way that these emotion are triggering you to. Then, once that particular emotion has dissipated somewhat, try to input, with action (such as speech), your preferred emotion. This is responding. Now, if the emotion you are dealing with is resentment, what you should input would be tolerance. These two steps may take some practice. I do find that dealing with anxious babies is very good practice, and that it is easier than dealing with adults. It is much harder still when dealing with conscious psychics. Lets have a look at an example 'run' with a baby. Now then, the situation might be that the baby is crying and you are trying to calm him/her. As you pick them up, notice any anxiety. Delve deeper, notice if you are internally saying 'please stop' and feeling some frustration. Connect to this frustration. Now, tell yourself its okay. Tell the baby its okay. Don't force anything, don't force yourself to be calm, just be aware. Now notice the level of frustration, did it decrease? Just continue dissipating that energy of frustration until perhaps you can input some loving, calm energy, and by then the situation is dealt with remarkably, and people are praising your dexterity with infants.
Perhaps, additionally, as an aid, you can visualize emotion bars next to the person you are interacting with. These become more precise with practice and can be very convenient not just in diplomatic interactions, but also in negotiations and during any sales process. These visuals are a representation of underlying information your empathic senses gathered. Much like a monitor displaying information gathered by an MRI.
So wrapping up, just remember that if you want to, and are willing to be responsible, there are many methods that can help you achieve your goals. It is up to you to determine whether those goals are worthwhile and how much effort you will put into their realization. As for me, I would say that nurturing relationships are definitely top priority ;).
Cheers.
Cat Whisperer
@cat-whisperer
2 months ago
625 posts
@hermes, you are a continual wealth of knowledge. @hop-daddy, I can relate to how you deal with the situation for I've found the same results experimenting with groups of people.
@calmidwester we do have the ability to change the atmosphere as since we receive energy we can also transmit it. However, it does take practice and being a newly aware empathness you need to learn about yourself and how to get yourself grounded and centered before you can venture into dealing with others emotions effectively. When I first discovered my empathness for what it was, my husband and I did go through some rough patches...almost two years in now since getting a handle on myself as an empath everything has not only calmed down but has improved dramatically. Most in part since realizing that I can raise the vibration of the collective in my relationship. We are both more at ease and even playful at times. Like in the beginning of the relationship (10 years in). You are going through a change and growing for the better, concentrate on yourself...everything else will follow in time. Be patient...and lots of love and forgiveness to both yourself and your husband.
Blessings
updated by @cat-whisperer: 03/18/17 07:48:31AM
CalMidwester
@calmidwester
2 months ago
104 posts

@hermes Thank you so much for sharing.  I can do this!  I do it a lot in other situations, but this one is definitely a long-standing difficult situation and I need to approach it like I would other situations that perhaps I don't have such a personal stake in or deep emotional history.  I have read your post twice and I'm sure I'll be rereading it over the next week!

Thanks for the encouragement @cat-whisperer!  I really need to keep in mind that this is a process.  Yes, I have been very lucky to have a major shift in a positive way lately, but that doesn't mean it will always be giant steps!

If you have any book recs, I'd be interesting.  I see one when I search, but it's sub title is 'how to rule over others with your thoughts.' That doesn't seem like the intention I have, LOL.


updated by @calmidwester: 03/18/17 08:55:10AM
Cat Whisperer
@cat-whisperer
2 months ago
625 posts
@calmidwester
I do have a book suggestion for you as a newbie. It was written by fellow community members. "Thriving as an Empath, Empowering your highly sensitive self". It is a great read and wonderful reference guide that is chocked full of information and techniques for someone discovering just who you really are. Also, as for raising your vibrational frequency, if find just simple positive affirmations several times a day really helps. If you go on Facebook, search power of positivity. Wonderful affirmations there, but be wary of some of the linked items though, some can work against what you are trying to achieve. Facebook can at times be a negative experience, and was for me in the past, but I have weeded out the bad and follow only people or pages that inspire me now.
Blessings
Cat Whisperer
@cat-whisperer
2 months ago
625 posts
Another place on Facebook for positive affirmations....Empaths and Angels 😉
CalMidwester
@calmidwester
2 months ago
104 posts

Thank you @cat-whisperer!

Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
2 months ago
362 posts

@hermes:

I always love your perspective. It is always refreshing and enlightening. 

I have a question for you on your psychic dominance reference. This is a new label that I have not heard before. I would think psychic dominance would be common with empaths since we already have one foot in the psychic world (we use our gifts even on a subconscious level). Is it common or more rare?

Hermes.V
@hermes
2 months ago
95 posts
@calmidwester
I agree very much with you, Yes, you can do this ;), very much.

@cat-whisperer
Thank you. Softly said, yet deeply felt. I will have to stalk you to sample more of your energies, hehe.

@hop-daddy
As always, hop-daddy, you have the most intriguing, yet essential questions.
I decided to do a google search of the term, and found there was a book written that uses the term as its title. I haven't read the book, but it seems it's about telepathic mind-control, not exactly what I was referring to when I used the term myself, hehe. I guess to clarify, I would say psychic dominance refers to a 'natural' dominance over a dominion as opposed to psychic domineering. Much in the same way as a grizzly bear would be more dominant than say a bobcat, some people would have stronger dominance than others.
Each time two people meet, a small dance is initiated. Their energies mingle and their beliefs come into contact with each other. The one with stronger will or confidence usually comes out dominant. This process happens either consciously or unconsciously. Through this process, it is actually possible for an aware empath to influence the beliefs of a narc through methods that are not outwardly confrontational. Non-confrontational influence through subtle energy mingling. As for whether it is common or rare, I'd say that it is inherent everywhere, like rhe concept of gravity. It is just the we need to be more consciously aware of its workings, thus be able to utilize it in the most yniversally beneficial way.
I'd like to add that this 'battle for domimance' is not just between humans. It can happen that a person visits an emotionally charged building and is dominated by its energies. Or maybe a distressed person goes to a serene lake and is 'dominated' by its calming energies. In the latter case, that would mean that the lake aligns the person to its own calming energies. Quite a desirable effect.
I must admit, that I myself am still exploring and refining my understanding of this concept. Yet at times, I can't help but remember that Robert Bruce (the author) mentioned that there are super-psychics influencing the going-ons in the world. I guess we should hope that these supers have our best interests at heart.
Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
2 months ago
362 posts

@hermes:

As always, I appreciate your input. You just opened up a new understanding on how we interact. You are very enlightening. Thank you.

Cat Whisperer
@cat-whisperer
2 months ago
625 posts
Awww @hermes, thank you 😊
Angel
@angel
2 months ago
600 posts

Since your asking for advice, I'm assuming I can speak freely :) I'm not understanding why you would be willing to change the beautiful soul you are to accommodate a person who lies to you and ignores you? I think the change you seek isn't about accepting this situation or even coming up with ways to accept this situation. Listen Honey, I'm going to be a bit blunt, your sacrificing yourself, but for what? It's not for him, because he has already shown differently, it's for you. Where does YOUR HAPPINESS fit into this marriage?

I used to be like you, I sacrificed my own happiness for a marriage, (not even that because he lied to me and come to find out, we weren't even legally married) but for a man who didn't want to change. He led a miserable life and misery loves company. I meant nothing to him. He tried to get rid of us (the kids and I) a few times but would refuse to actually end it. I never really understood why he would treat us the way he did but not leave. I figured it out later, he wanted to walk away the victim and not look like the heel he actually was. I stayed with him for 9 years and had 2 with him. I wasn't happy and I bent over backwards trying to better a man who didn't want to be better. My reality check came one night when I came home from work and my daughter was in her crib crying. I went to see check on her and she was filthy, had only a diaper on her that was literally falling off of her because it was so full. So I picked her up and went to where my husband was to confront him. He had my youngest son in a carrier with a bottle in his mouth while he was chatting with some random woman on the internet. The house looked like a tornado stuck it and my oldest was hiding out in his room trying to avoid him. I realized at that moment, that not only did he not love me or the kids, but more important, he didn't respect us. Knowing is one thing, but when realization actually hits, it's a whole different ballgame. I knew at that moment I needed to make some changes, for me and for my kids, I knew it would no longer include him. Even though I ended the relationship, he chose to walk away from the kids. When he left, that  was the last time he ever saw them and that was 14 years ago. I asked him before he left why he did all the things he did, and his answer " because I thought you'd never leave me". I was floored, I actually caused my own unhappiness trying to save a relationship not worth saving.

Now, I'm not telling you to leave your husband, but I do think you need to take some time to do some deeper soul searching. Marriage is a partnership, if it's one-sided, no matter what you do, no matter what energy you draw in, no matter what spell you cast and no matter how positive you are, it won't change anything, at least for the relationship. It could be good for you on an individual level, but if your trying to change for him, and not yourself, then your spinning your wheels. I think it's important to seriously ask yourself why you are with him? Why are you willing to sacrifice yourself for someone who isn't willing to do the same? What are you needing from him and what is he not giving? And why are you accepting this, the lying and the ignoring? We don't find "the one", we become "the one" but both people need to make the necessary changes to do that. You can't do it alone. I honesty believe that if you add your happiness into the equation of your marriage, your going to see a different perspective. At this point your willing to settle, and I think if you dig deeper to ask yourself why, you will find a strength you didn't even know was there. Self sacrifice and self sabotage is a fruitless en devour, and even though it appears to be selfless, it's quite the opposite. We think we are sacrificing for someone else because they deserve it, but in reality, we do it because we feel like we don't deserve it. We reflect what our needs are inside in hopes to receive it in return, but it's rarely noticed by the other person. This is a journey of self discovery and the things you seek, you must first find within. Once you find that light, that sacred you inside, only then will things begin to change. It often doesn't change the way we expect it to, but it always leads to something even greater. Trust me, I found my soulmate through the person I least expected to find :)

This journey into the soul is always a difficult one, but well worth the trip, I promise you! We, as people, as human beings were designed to not only give love but to receive it as well. Our exsistance often depends on this exchange, it's what keeps us equal :) I can't tell you what to do in your marriage at this point, but I am advising that you take some of that energy that you give to him and put it towards yourself. To start putting yourself in the equation and to make the changes for YOU, once you start doing this, things will change, new chapters will open. It could help him to be more honest and to see you differently, it could make him be the man you need him to be, idk, but it may not, but if you are solid in who you are and what you need in this life to fulfill your soul, you will be able to see things in a whole different light. You will feel stronger,more confident and it's THAT energy that pushes and manifests the changes you seek. It's where it all begins. As within, so without.

I hope this helps.

Blessed Be,

Angel

CalMidwester
@calmidwester
2 months ago
104 posts

Angel,

Thank you for sharing! I most definitely was asking for advice.  I have thought of all of the things you have said.  I think I am just confused as to how much to consider how my actions will affect others, what my commitment means, etc. I have mostly been telling myself lately that I don't need to make any decisions immediately because sometimes, when my feelings get really intense, I feel like I have to DO something.  

I am definitely in the phase of soul searching and working on my own issues and myself in general.  Stay tuned!

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