Relationships....help!!

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JoniG
@jonig
9 months ago
33 posts

Here's my question & issue: I am drawn, like irresistibly drawn to men who I feel intensely...unfortunately, that usually means some sort of "fixable" issues. I'm afraid if I commit to the nice guy that my friends and family all want, I'll end up feeling trapped & bored...resulting in me hurting them by being attracted to someone else I feel more....Am I alone in this struggle? Has anyone taken the relationship plunge with the person who doesn't ring all their bells & are they happy? Is this a common problem for empaths? I wonder if relationship happiness is even possible? Thanks all ūüíú


updated by @jonig: 07/18/17 01:07:29PM
Trevor Lewis
@trevor-lewis
9 months ago
273 posts

Hi Joni:  As empaths we not only feel other people's emotions, we are on the planet to help others to heal.  That means for most of us we are attracted to "fixer-upper" relationship projects. It is why you'll read so much about "The Empath and the Narcissist"; it's a natural pairing.

We are attracted to them because they need us so much. The end result is either they don't want to become healthy themselves (= we get hurt), or they do get healthy and don't need us (= we get hurt).  

Intellectually, I have to believe that there is a way of doing our healing work out in the world in a way that satisfies our basic craving to help others while being able to be in a healthy relationship for ourselves.  Personally, I am still a work in progress! :-)

bvashti
@vwsmiles
9 months ago
8 posts

Hi Joni,

I am in the same bind you are. I was in a relationship with a sociopath/narcissist for almost 20 years. I am just coming out of the storm. I tend to be drawn to the same type of man, even after all I went through. But I get it, I don't want to be bored or trapped either.  I haven't taken the plunge but have thought about it.  Maybe doing something different will result in a good thing. If we take the plunge we have to have our eyes open and go in without self sabotaging ourselves. I'm game if you are. :) 

Like Trevor said, we are a work in progress.

Trevor Lewis
@trevor-lewis
9 months ago
273 posts

Tongue-in-cheek (how serious could this be): Maybe we should start an empath dating service on this site :-) 

JoniG
@jonig
9 months ago
33 posts

I love that you responded, thank you!! I have been married 3 times...I'm 56. My last husband is a diagnosed narcissist. I will not repeat that again...whew!!! I am aware of my patterns somewhat...I need space, want to help etc. I never knew until aprox. a year and a half ago why. The term empath opened many doors for me, thankfully! I am trying to do new things in regards to relationship. My friends and family are asking, why don't you ever find someone that is good for YOU instead of the other way around. I am trying. I have a friend that feeds my head, is healthy, kind etc. But, I am attracted to another man who is an alcoholic. Granted, he is a laid back, gentle, kind man....but, I cannot figure out if the attraction is because I innately knew he needed help or not? I love the normal healthy man. I feel in love with the alcoholic. I know I live by intuition & my heart...I always have. I am worried that if I choose my head over my heart, I will be unhappy & subject to another that could touch my heart instead of my head! I don't want my life to always be hard...that's why I was wondering if anyone has had a long term successful relationship with a "normal" person who didn't trigger the empath bells? This is very hard for me......

CalMidwester
@calmidwester
9 months ago
108 posts

OK, wow, so at least I am not alone in this.  Your question was very interesting.  I am also on the older side, 51.  I dated two narcissists before I decided to marry my husband.  One is in jail for murdering his wife in the early 2000's.  I was briefly engaged to him, but something in me knew he was a liar, which was my main reason for walking away.  

Anyway, I made a conscious decision to marry someone that I felt I could trust and that would be kind.  Was it the right decision?  I still wonder honestly.  He is still narcissistic in many ways, just uses passive aggressive behavior instead of having the temper and being outwardly cruel.  For example, I finally showed him the Empath info and he had almost no reaction, just, yeah, that's always been you.  But then later, in front of people that would never understand, he brought it up.  I was not happy and honestly I know he did it to make me feel uncomfortable, although he would deny it to his grave.  

What you said, about feeling trapped and bored, yes, that is how I feel a lot, and then I feel guilty because we have a good life and great kids.  I have exactly said that I feel trapped and have been working on not repeating those words over and over because it causes me so much anxiety.  We have weathered some storms and have done a good job raising our kids and working together towards other things, like our financial goals, etc.  But, I still do not feel the passion that draws me to those other types.  I have already shared that I unfortunately have directed that all towards my current counselor - who is either unaware or too kind to confront me about it.  I know it's sort of pathetic, but he's the only one who is interested in this spiritual journey - until I met you all - and I love talking about it all with him.  I've known him for well over ten years now and we were raised the same way and have both developed in interest in less traditional spirituality and alternative medicine like energy medicine.  Anyway, I am now hijacking your thread, but I guess I want to share with you that your concerns are not silly at all.  It is a hard decision and neither path is easy.  Maybe that is the only thing I've learned.  Would it have been better to marry someone that I felt intensely passionate for?  I really don't know if the downsides would've ruined that in the end.  

Good luck and hang in there.  As you can see, most of us are just trying to figure it all out still, even as we get older and older!

Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
9 months ago
507 posts

I think if you took a poll on how many empaths on this site are trapped and bored you'd have a pretty high amount raise their hands in agreement. I think as we awaken as empaths our inner spirit is trying to break out and take us in a new and exciting path as empath healers. And in my opinion that's where the feeling of being trapped and bored comes from. You are being nudged to go a different direction than the life path you have now.

As for the attraction between empaths and narcs, it is as old as time. It's a pattern that you must break in your own life in order to be healthy and happy. I have had many good friends who are narcs that I had to let go and separate from. And I'm happy I did.

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
9 months ago
410 posts

I'm going through some personal issues in my current relationship. First of all, I believe that empath abilities are more prominent/activated in those who have had unstable childhoods/lives and trauma. We are creatures of habit, so naturally we gravitate towards those types of situations/people. I am trying to find solace in my relationship that is a stable/healthy one. It can seem boring at times, compared to the chaos I'm used to, but I'm willing to see it through. I believe I can heal from my past so that I no longer desire an exciting (aka chaotic/haphazard) life. So I believe going for the nice guy/girl (especially another empath if possible) is the best choice :)

Regarding the alcoholic: that is a BIG red flag to stay away! IMO :)

JoniG
@jonig
9 months ago
33 posts

Thank you all for your responses! I intellectually know the pitfalls, the attractions that are one-sided, etc., ect......I am really looking for responses from people that are actually experiencing either side of this coin, happily. I am well versed in narc behavior and will totally stay away from that! But, as a healer, as are all empaths, can a happy relationship exist? My work affords me all the chaos & healing opportunities that you would think one would need. I find this very a different part of my heart. 

CalMidwester
@calmidwester
9 months ago
108 posts
Well, I am, and have been, on the other side for almost thirty years. I have periods where I struggle, but I still think it was the right choice. There has been much good, especially raising our kids. We are good partners and loyal to each other and to our family.
JoniG
@jonig
9 months ago
33 posts

I REALLY appreciate your responses calmidwester....it is the kind of thing I am looking for...experience. Thank you so much for your time!!!

TigerLily
@tigerlily
9 months ago
309 posts
My relationship history with men. Hmm my ex was a narc and did me all kinds of wrong to me, and I loved him deeply. The one after him, completely controlling. Ever since those relationships ended, I noticed I "attract" men who have some type of emotional issue that needs fixing or are typical momma type boys who want a woman to take care of them. Ok yes so narcs. Of the few "nice boys" I was not attracted. I could not bear the thought of settling as I knew I'd be unhappy. I guess you can say I am still and will always be attracted to the "bad boys" So, I shifted my search to older men and the maturity I adored. Which i know family would not approve. But, none of those lasted either.

The ones I've met who have a "familiarity" about them are the ones I try to keep, and we'll I just sound like a stupid women who doesn't see the signs that they are not interested. But that familiarity and goosebumps tell me something inside that is special and to hang on. I'm assuming those are past life related. Go figure as somehow they return or keep some slight contact.
updated by @tigerlily: 03/03/17 11:07:00PM
JoniG
@jonig
9 months ago
33 posts
@tigerlily....I completely understand your feelings! I feel drawn like a magnet to some men & not others. It's frustrating...it feels so uncontrollable. I know I can control my choices & my actions...however, I would love to have my feelings engaged also or I fear I will be bored or feel trapped. I am having a very hard time commiting to a relationship that on paper looks custom made for me. My feelings aren't engaged beyond a brotherly type of love. Who wants to kiss their brother, ya know? I was wondering out loud if anyone had any experience being in a healthy AND happy relationship...I don't know how I can be in obe without that familiar heart feeling...
CalMidwester
@calmidwester
8 months ago
108 posts
@jonig I have no advice to give, but I can say after almost 30yrs of marriage, it is really hard. I took the 'safe' route and as I have said above, we have a good life. However, rather than sister, I feel like Mother. Yes, I love him fiercely, but as you alluded to, it presents a major challenge for intimacy.
JoniG
@jonig
8 months ago
33 posts

@calmidwester..If you and I lived close to each other we would probably be fast friends....and maybe get into a bit of trouble together? Lol! I appreciate your input...I think that their probably aren't any happy AND healthy relationships. If there are, they are rare it appears. I don't want to have to choose one or the other...my heart or my head...that is not the romance I have pictured in my head since I was a little girl....sigh

CalMidwester
@calmidwester
8 months ago
108 posts
@jonig You hit the nail on the head. What even is an ideal relationship? I have no idea if it exists. I feel like I know less and less as time goes on lol. I feel like something is missing, but I also am wondering if I would always feel that way, regardless of who I was with. Do any of us really know what we are getting into when we get married? Sigh!

I actually do wish I had some local friends who believed as I did regarding being an Empath, etc. Has anyone ever tried a Meet Up, or some sort of church like the Spiritualists, to find people with common beliefs?
JoniG
@jonig
8 months ago
33 posts
I live in a rural community...not much in the way of variety of thinking. I would so love to have a community of like minded individuals. Someone to hang out with that doesn't require an explanation of how I could possibly think that?!! Not feeling the the square peg in a round hole world. Just be & be understood, not just intellectually but in the heart!!!
Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
8 months ago
507 posts

As @jonig stated, we can be attracted and excited about a person who is totally wrong for us (and sometimes that person can be really bad for us). And yet the type of people who may be the best match mate wise we may find boring or unfulfilling.

 As we all are saying and stating, it is really hard to have relationships as an empath. I have struggles with my wife where she wants to be out doing things all the time and at the end of the week I just want to stay in and recharge since being out in public can be exhausting. And then we empaths can be moody and burnt out so our s/o has to be patient with that. And then lastly, we feel so deeply that when there are relationship problems it rips us apart. It’s very difficult for us and for those we love.

 @calmidwester,

I don’t know if this is true for you. But I have found that when I am at wits end with my own relationship that after deep analysis that a lot of what I don’t like about my marriage really results from the problems I cause through my own empathy. By being too emotional, anxious, and then withdrawn, I cause others around me to react to my behavior. I have done better in my relationship when I am in better control of how I act. 

CalMidwester
@calmidwester
8 months ago
108 posts
@hop-daddy, I always appreciate your comments. I am sure you are right. I mean, yes, there are some issues, but I know I am very withdrawn right now. I am kind of overwhelmed with all I'm learning and he is not remotely interested. Yet, I am pretty sure he senses a big change and is slightly freaking out under the exterior.

I'm trying to stay in the moment, but I don't always do a good job. Sigh....
Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
8 months ago
507 posts

@calmidwester:

I don't mean to imply it's all your fault either. I think even in the best relationships there are struggles caused by both people. But in my case I took a step back and was able to recognize how hard it is for others close to me at times to be with me. Over the years as my empathy has grown stronger I am unfortunately more stressed and less happy. And once I really took responsibility for all that I realized that the stuff that was most difficult in our relationship was mostly tied to my empathy and how I can bring down my loved ones at times (even without saying a word). My solution was to try to ground and mellow myself out more. And when I come home from work all charged up I usually try to take a 10-15 minute time out alone to decompress so that I can be more present and calm with my loved ones the rest of the night. That time-out exercise has really improved things at home.

I would also say that I know you are pretty religious from your other posts. Just realize that this empath and paranormal stuff that we live with is very hard for religious people to understand. My experience is that some of them will think you've joined a cult or are being influenced by the devil. Being an empath is not covered in the bible as far as I can tell so many won't know how to understand who and what you are. This includes your husband. Give him time to better understand this. Religion unfortunately makes people closed minded. And to understand the world of an empath one absolutely needs to be open minded.

CalMidwester
@calmidwester
8 months ago
108 posts

Thank you again for sharing @hop-daddy.  I am interested to know what you mean when you say you bring down your loved ones.  What does that look like? As for the religion thing, I have always pushed the envelope,so on the one hand he is used to that, but on the other, he is not really interested either.  

Also, why do you feel you've gotten more stressed?  THANKS!

Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
8 months ago
507 posts

@calmidwester:

As empaths we know we can raise our vibration to the point where we make people around us feel realy good (and in some cases we can even heal them with our high vibration skills). But the challenge for me, as I suspect it is for most empths, is that life gets in the way and brings me down. I pick up bad stuff from other people most days that drains me. But I also have a job that can be pretty stressful at times. And that combined with what I already take in as an empath can at times make me edgy, irritable, and depressed/withdrawn.

I've gotten pretty good at grounding and have found a lot of help with protections stones to limit what I take in each day. But every few weeks I hit a point of overload where I'm really overloaded and heavy from my own stress and what I take in from others. It actually usually happens where I go a few days without grounding due to my busy schedule. My vibration is low and even when I try my best not to bring it home to my family, they feel it. Its kind of like when someone in a bad mood walks in the room.

I've only been aware that I am an empath for about a year and a half so before I knew that and found out about grounding I felt like I was losing my mind with all the daily anxiety and crazy mood swings that I would pick up just walking around my house or office. Back then I was just so agitated all the time that I had a short fuse. Thankfully now I am so much better at managing all of his. But its not easy and I do have my off days.

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
8 months ago
410 posts

Hop Daddy:

@calmidwester:

As empaths we know we can raise our vibration to the point where we make people around us feel realy good (and in some cases we can even heal them with our high vibration skills). But the challenge for me, as I suspect it is for most empths, is that life gets in the way and brings me down. I pick up bad stuff from other people most days that drains me. But I also have a job that can be pretty stressful at times. And that combined with what I already take in as an empath can at times make me edgy, irritable, and depressed/withdrawn.

I've gotten pretty good at grounding and have found a lot of help with protections stones to limit what I take in each day. But every few weeks I hit a point of overload where I'm really overloaded and heavy from my own stress and what I take in from others. It actually usually happens where I go a few days without grounding due to my busy schedule. My vibration is low and even when I try my best not to bring it home to my family, they feel it. Its kind of like when someone in a bad mood walks in the room.

I've only been aware that I am an empath for about a year and a half so before I knew that and found out about grounding I felt like I was losing my mind with all the daily anxiety and crazy mood swings that I would pick up just walking around my house or office. Back then I was just so agitated all the time that I had a short fuse. Thankfully now I am so much better at managing all of his. But its not easy and I do have my off days.

@hop-daddy, I feel strongly too and so my mood swings are greater than most (the non-empaths?). I can relate to being a high vibration at times but also a low vibration when life gets me down. It's partly because of my empath nature and also my sensitivity...a double whammy. But I would rather feel deeply than to be numb. After all, to be human is to feel. And so what if I'm more sensitive than others? There are benefits to high sensitivity and those can be known as gifts. So as high as I go with my moods sometimes, I can go just as low, and I sense how this affects others...especially my empath boyfriend. Sometimes we don't know who is feeling what, lol! 

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
8 months ago
410 posts

JoniG:

@calmidwester..If you and I lived close to each other we would probably be fast friends....and maybe get into a bit of trouble together? Lol! I appreciate your input...I think that their probably aren't any happy AND healthy relationships. If there are, they are rare it appears. I don't want to have to choose one or the other...my heart or my head...that is not the romance I have pictured in my head since I was a little girl....sigh

@jonig, I think one reaches an age or maturity level where they are tired of the exciting yet dysfunctional relationships and finds a person who is good for them who they can be happy with. @calmidwester is right that there is no perfect relationship. We must keep searching until we find that someone who surpasses the rest but who we're willing to accept, flaws and all, because we know we won't find someone better (who is both a combination of passionate and right for us). There is always going to be a slight feeling of settling, because no one is perfect. It depends on what we are willing to risk before we make our decision on a life partner. 

JoniG
@jonig
8 months ago
33 posts

@lotusfly, I understand what you are saying...completely. I was really trying to see if someone had actually found a combination of head and heart successfully. My attractions seem to be well defined by one of those two categories. Just wondering if any empath had found a combination, or if for us, the direct distinction is universal?

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
8 months ago
410 posts

JoniG:

@lotusfly, I understand what you are saying...completely. I was really trying to see if someone had actually found a combination of head and heart successfully. My attractions seem to be well defined by one of those two categories. Just wondering if any empath had found a combination, or if for us, the direct distinction is universal?

Well, I was trying to say that I have found that person who I am passionate about and who is healthy for me. I was trying to say that there is no perfect person but it is possible to have a combination of both head and heart love for someone. :) My person is my twin flame/soul mate. They are an empath as well :)

JoniG
@jonig
8 months ago
33 posts

Wow, you have!?! Well now, I know it can exist...thank you!!! I am currently in a relationship with my twin flame. I feel so comfortable and challenged in a good way by this man. I am not attracted to him :( That is so very sad to me!! I wondered if it was possible to have both? You have answered my question, thank you!!! Enjoy your wonderful find!

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
8 months ago
410 posts

JoniG:

Wow, you have!?! Well now, I know it can exist...thank you!!! I am currently in a relationship with my twin flame. I feel so comfortable and challenged in a good way by this man. I am not attracted to him :( That is so very sad to me!! I wondered if it was possible to have both? You have answered my question, thank you!!! Enjoy your wonderful find!

There is not a huge physical attraction. It is more of a heartfelt soulful attraction and emotional connection. Appearance is irrelevant when it comes to meeting the one for you. When you are truly in love with them, you are in love with their soul. My partner and I have much passion in our relationship but physical attraction plays a minor part in that.

I used to be hooked on appearances and that is how I got attracted to the wrong guys/men. Lust does not equal true love. And when you meet the one, you'll realize how trivial appearance is. In fact, their looks simply vanish and you see only their personality. You've finally grown up and realized that you love the person's soul, not the physical body.


updated by @lotusfly: 03/15/17 07:31:02PM
JoniG
@jonig
8 months ago
33 posts

It's not his appearance that isn't attractive to me, he's very attractive. It's that unspoken pull, the electricity, the spark.

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
8 months ago
410 posts

JoniG:

It's not his appearance that isn't attractive to me, he's very attractive. It's that unspoken pull, the electricity, the spark.

Gotcha :)

Kate
@kate
8 months ago
131 posts

Relationships, by their general definition, are probably the hardest thing for me. It sure takes a lot of time before I can open up to someone in the intimate sense. Maybe it's because of the way that I know energy can flow between me and another person and I take responsibility if I can't control it or correctly interpret the "messages" i get (or transform into a psychological bully), secondly because of this inner struggle for getting it right and not screwing it up. Weirdly enough, there haven't been many people that left me with the "there's such a weird link between us" feeling. Deep in there I'm not even curious to mess around. Instead it's like this persisting hope and belief that when I will meet the right person I will feel it. What puts me at odds is actually the people around me: bit desperate for this feeling of attention and love I would say, so much that their relationships become just superficial connections. I'm happy to say that at least I have heard or seen happy and positive relationship cases from people closer to me. 

Regardless of my own little hurtful experiences or anything that left a mark on me, I'm the type who will try to meditate on it and fix it, not go to someone else for pity or, I don't know... (there are many deeper things about myself I have never even spoken about to my parents. I'd feel guilty to let them know I was hurt by certain experiences and people when they wanted me to be happy) Going back to it, I don't want to form anything that doesn't have a spiritual or a bit of a fated feeling to it, or that doesn't awake my admiration ^^ It's pretty simple actually. I just feel at odds with the "average person's requirements" of our society honestly, when they are redirected towards me or if I am asked to do the same. I just wish to grow as a person and correctly understand my inner needs, and follow my intuition, not what others or society, as I have the luck to experience it at the moment, tell me I should go for. 


updated by @kate: 03/17/17 04:30:43PM
Hop Daddy
@hop-daddy
8 months ago
507 posts

@kate:

I like your observations and you are not alone. I think most of us empaths feel at odds with society. It just seems like there are so many sheep out there under mind control. And humanity right now does not seem to be going in a good direction. This mind control has grown tenfold with the growth of social media. People now seem to be slaves to their phones and the messaging that pops up. I think that is one of our gifts that we can see beyond this spell that so many are under and see the truth in life. But it also makes it difficult to connect with others intimately.

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