hello, i have just had a very horrible series of trauma and i would like to know if there is a way for me to relieve the tension that is buried in me right now. i feel very numb in a sense and i am afraid that deep down i have a lot of sadness. i dont believe that i have a very good future for me and i do not really have any hope, not that i desire to hope anymore. but i do believe that a lot of my future will constantly be interfered with until i lose my freedom and either become what i fear the most or die. i understand there is no magical everything will be ok for everyone, but i would like to understand my way of living in how it will relate to finding some sort of way to cope. i do not anticipate an easy life but a series of unfortunate events and i would like to become resilient enough to protect myself mentally in such a case. i am not exactly sure what sort of response i am seeking i am mostly venting out over here, but very horrible things will continue to happen to me, and as i type this there is something horrible happening to me right now.
it seems as though there is no path to freedom for me or someone like me who seems to be targeted by very powerful forces. sometimes it surfaces, though rarely, my desire to die or through my behaviours that can be risky. i do not want to live a life where i cannot be free, therefore to some extent i want to be free through death. i have never attempted suicide before though. but the past few years it feels as though i am aggressively attacked by "reality" or the "universe" though really that is not necessarily literally accurate maybe. but anyway, i am too afraid to try for something "better" so i will learn or i should say try to learn how to cope with the things that are coming my way. many paths i want to take have been sealed off and i am afraid that i cannot become a normal person, which i understand that i crave now more than ever. i will probably be isolated and miserable and messed up so i do not want to bother someone else who isnt any of that in the future i guess.
i dont really want to cling for hope because it will make me vulnerable for another bad experience. as it is my future is garbage and i am not destined for anything but despair. this is what i feel. however, the sense that there is a force in me that is resisting the negativity i still feel very powerfully. i have confidence in my ability to cope but not in my future at all. i am the scum of the earth in that sense. there is no hope for scum. no dreams to be realized or wishes to be fulfilled. every pure desire i have is only going to be destroyed forever.
i know this is all depressing but i needed to vent and i guess im comfortable with this sort of tone because there is a sort of quietness to this pain that i am feeling right now. or im just numb. but i have found pain to be very quiet like everything is in focus, at some moments anyway. when i am honest with how hopeless i feel i feel like im doing something unhealthy but also that i am satisfying my honor or something idk the correct word for the feeling. i want to purge my suffering and i dont want to be happy but to be relaxed and calm so i guess content i dont need a big high just relief. like a peaceful tree or something i want to be in that kinda groove. i have the confirmation that everyone i will love will betray me so i will stay away from everyone because i start to love people kind of easily at times though it is rare it usually happens fast or gets too intense. i believe that there is no way for me to ever be rid of this pain.
Well if you read this far then idk, i was gonna type thank you but i feel like i am being an idiot for typing that because i am just in doing that clinging to love which is weak. i do not believe love itself is weak but clinging to love is weak. i am a weak person even though i am also a strong person. but everyone is weak, not to minimize my weakness by stating this. i cannot even reach the one responsible for my despair to get revenge because they are not reachable by human measures. there will never be hope for me and i will live with a blank demeanor for the most part. i understood before that pigs in slaughterhouses have no hope and though i am not the same there is no god or love that will save them or me so there is no hope. at the least, i think i should accept this fate and that will be the way i can find compliance with suffering to make it less personal.
That is all.
updated by @laog: 09/01/18 08:48:22AM