Twin Flames! Runner or Fake Twin?
Having some issues that I trust will work itself out in time but felt the need to sort it all out and I like to think sometimes the bravest thing you can do when you are struggling is to ask for help...so I'm trying it out. Wasn't really sure where else to turn..as Twin Flames aren't exactly a mainstream topic and feel you guys are pretty knowledgeable in things "non mainstream." :P
A little over a year ago I re-crossed paths with someone who I have become to believe is my Twin Flame. It began when we started hanging out through a mutual friend and discovered an insane amount of common interests, obviously this led to us spending a great deal of time together...which eventually led to us being intimate. I know people throw around the term "mind blowing sex" but the love we made is something to this day I can't wrap my head around. It felt unexplainably natural and it felt as if both our souls crashed into eachother and became one..and then became one with everything. Then things started happening like I would think of him and he would appear or call me, or I could sense him from miles away, we'd do things for eachother as the other was thinking of it, conversations practically didn't need to be had (but we talked late into the morning hours anyways out of pure enjoyment.) And then the touching...his touch sent ecstasy through my body straight to my heart and when we held eachother we would lose our breaths from the swelling energy in between us.
We share a very similar spiritual belief system and thirst for knowledge and growth and I've never met anyone who has pushed me and helped me grow to the extent he has. In ways that are so nonchalant or even silent. He helps me see what no longer suits me or benefits me so I can purge it or ways in which I can pour love into my life and the lives of others in ways simple as leading by example. I can't explain the ways he helps me gather lessons and knowledge from everyday situations and stressors...it's like he leaves pieces of a puzzle every so often for me to piece together on my own and learn from.
I love him as if he is me and I'm not sure how to explain that. It's something I've never felt before and doubt words could do it justice. Loving him is the most natural feeling I've ever encountered.
At first this all scared the shit out of me...I didn't really believe in love, I was in a place where I did not want a partner, and had many trust issues. I tried to fight my feelings tooth and nail to the point where I spent many hours debating jumping out of his bedroom window never to be heard from again. I also was terrified of ever exchanging bad words with someone I had so much respect, love, and fondness for. I received an opportunity for a summer job halfway across the country that I decided to take for the pay and wanting to get away from my hometown for awhile. We spent 2 months apart and the night before I left I asked him what would happen to us and he asked if I wanted to marry him. Immediately I said I never wanted to marry anyone and I can't remember what he said but I pretty much went into a 3 week panic attack over the idea of that lol. When I got to my new job the universe was full force hitting me with signs of him. She wasn't going to be ignored any longer it seemed. I would have dreams of him and feel when he was upset or in a bad situation. Oh and about 90% of people I met or heard of were married to/in a long term relationship with someone sharing his name! One of them even said an exact quote from my Twin in the exact same context. Freaky is an understatement.
Eventually I returned and everything fell back into place as usual. A few months went on and one night we got in a drunken argument and he told me he didn't want to be with me(or anyone) forever and that he was not in love with me. I appreciated the honesty, as he has always been nothing but honest with me even when it sucks. We decided we wanted to be together for the near future and things went on as normal. Several days before our 1 year anniversary he had a discussion with me about not wanting to be responsible to anyone including me and such and he told me yet again he was not in love with me and didn't want to be in any sort of relationship situation so we decided to end everything between us besides our close friendship as we are best friends above anything else. Obviously this saddened me as I love him very very dearly but what I want most is for him to be happy and honest with me. Within days he was taking me out again and being intimate with me, even spending nights at his house. Since then he has acted like more of a partner than before..asking what I'm doing/who I'm with, looking at my phone when I'm texting, asking if he should check my messages when I get a text in the middle of the night. But has also had several moments of coldness where he won't let me touch him and such.
I'm in a world of confusion. If this was not meant to be why would the universe give me all of these signs telling me YEAH! THIS IS IT! GO FOR IT! when in fact this isn't it? I have read about the Chaser/Runner paradox but I'm wondering if this is something else..if maybe he is a false twin? If he was in fact my Twin wouldn't he be feeling all these things that I am? I have wondered if he is experiencing what I experienced early in our relationship(like when I plotted jumping out his window) and it has just taken him longer to reach it?
Any input is welcome and so so appreciated. I have faith that things will all come together exactly as they are meant to and the answers will present themselves to me..but I'm human! I get anxious! (And that's okay!)
Much much love to all of you on this crazy journey
updated by @katkhaotik: 07/03/17 08:41:01PM
I am very certain as to what I would DESIRE, yes I'm sure the marriage thing could change but I have no problem with a lifelong partnership..I just don't think you need to have a lawful partnership to love and be committed to one another. Plus if things change the split up seems much less complicated than a divorce.
What do you mean about karma and thoughts and actions? Do you think my response to his question about marriage caused an upset for him? Or do you mean my thoughts of fighting my feelings and being afraid are now being reflected back at me through him? (Sounds like the cosmic humor I'm used to..)
updated by @katkhaotik: 12/28/16 01:37:30AM
(This response will probebly come across more practical then just spiritual, I hope that is ok) It sounds like most of this started happening when you denied his marriage proposal. Relationships usually can't go backwards after that. You both had a connection that evolved into something deeper and more beautiful so the next step for him is marriage. Your happy with the situation where it was at, but he needs more,that your not really willing to give at this point. And there is nothing wrong with this. The back and forth on his part is more of a reflection of the emotional struggle he is going through. He thought everything was going wonderful and then you said no, so he feels rejected. And then you left. He figured that when you got back, he may be able to try again, but you have consistantly told him your happy where your both at now, so the same issue keeps coming up. He doesn't want to give him full heart away if there is no certain future. Yet, he can't seem to tear himself away from you and visa-versa. So now there is this wall. The wall is part confusion on what to do,continue and be happy with this and see where it goes, or move on, confusion and where he stands, ect. Then there's the "can't get to close emotionally" wall, because emotionally he is already there, but it hurts because in his mind, your not or what you have to give isn't what he is looking for,ect. So, this is the jist of it.
And this is where you need to do some serious soul searching. I would try to place the understanding of your connection with him on the back burner for now, and spend that time trying to understand your own wall, the one that prevents you from fully opening up and committing. Even though you have an idea that alot of it revolves around fear, there is something deeper that makes you stop in your tracks from moving forward. I'm assuming it has to do something with vulnerability But deeper love always comes at a price. Love and trust doesn't come from playing it safe, it comes from taking risks for the right the person. There is never a guarentee in love, you are never guarentteed the love you have will be the same in 10 years, in fact, I can guarentee it will change. But into what? who knows, it can be a total "eclipse of the heart" (pun intended) or it could go to deeper levels that you never thought imaginable. It's also unrealistic to believe that everything will always be wonderful. It's through conflict and struggles at times that we learn to not just love the light but to accept the shadow, or not so pleasant side,of the other person.
There is alot of hype about twin souls and literally being the "other half" of ourselves, or one soul split in half into two bodies. Though romantic, I personally don't believe in that. I believe it's the molding of two souls into one. But each soul is individual. We must evolve our own souls as individuals and together if/when we find that one. Some souls help us during a time to evolve, while others are part of our "soul families". But with each souls there are two sides, light and shadow. The idea, I believe isn't to get rid of the dark, but to balance both sides. The connection you have with this man seems to be a very close one, but connection isn't enough. It needs to be evolved if it's going to grow but only you can make the choice to do that. Though, whatever choice you make in this lifetime isn't a forever choice, more opportunities will come later, I do believe this is a crossroads for you. What is stopping you from moving forward, is it fear or is it more? Is it intuition telling you need to work on something more internal first? Perhaps not all the information about this person has been obtained yet. I don't know, I can't answer that, only you can by searching within yourself. Is love what you are truely seeking? Or are you looking for something else? Is it worth the risk? Or are you willing to take the risk for love? If the answer is no, ask yourself, why not? And write all this down. Have a question and answer session with yourself, like your two people. And be honest. Noone else will read it, so no worries there, this is a conversation between you and yourself Ask yourself the difficult questions. If the questions are to broad keep narrowing it down until you finally get an answer. And I would also suggest you stop sleeping with him until you can get a better idea of where you want to take this. And let him know this. Tell him your doing some serious soul searching because your confused. You need some time to figure this out deep inside before making a decision. And this will benefit you both. Suggest he do the same. If it's meant to be, it will all work out in the end. And if not, either way, in order for you to move forward in any relationship, this needs to be addressed and resolved. You may find out it is worth it, or you may find that something deeper is stopping you from moving forward with him. But you need this time to take a step back and get to the core of the issue I think.
The only real red flag I see at this point is that you talk about how much he has shown you and you learned from him. This is not a bad thing in general, but are you two equals? Or is he more in the teacher role and you in the student role? This could be where some of your hesitance is coming from. We all learn something from our spouses, and we also teach things to our spouses, but if the tables are tipped to much in one direction or the other, then it should be looked at to see if what we think we are experieincing is done in the right capacity. Many Empaths often mistake love for other needs that are needing to be fulfilled. Not saying this is your case, just food for thought, but for example alot of Empaths may get into abusive relationships because they feel like they can save them. They often mistake saving the underdog as love, when in fact, on a deeper the level, the need isn't love at all, it's the constant need to to save that soul. Do you see what I'm saying? Are you drawn to him as a man or are you more drawn to the knoweldge and experieinces he has given you, but not necessarily the man? This is just another aspect to look deeper in. When you visualize true love,, is what he is giving you, is this your vision for love? Or are the tables tipped and feel that you are not truely on equal ground? This is where you find out what your soul is desiring at the moment. Maybe you have no real desire for enternal love, but maybe your soul is desiring knowledge and discovery of self.
Anyway's, I ramble alot,lol, but this is just some food for thought, and some things to think about while trying to sift through all the thoughts and emotions concerning this relationship. Usually, if things are moving forward at full force and then get halted, there is a reason for it, and it's time to get some clearer answers. It's not always a negative thing, it just means we need clearer answers in order to make a final decision. I hope this helps and wishing you many blessings on your path.
I feel I misexplained the marriage thing before I left for my job. In no way was it a proposal of sorts. It was sortof a "benchmark" question as to how I saw our future(if we'd be together for a long time or not.) Yeah I immediately said I didn't want to marry anyone and from the conversations we've had I don't think he wants to marry either (although in random coversations he's talked of his future wife and kids etc..) When I finally put some pieces together while I was gone I told him that it's not that that I didn't want to marry him but rather don't see a point to marriage and think of him as a wonderful life partner. I feel that at this point I've made it very obvious how I feel. (He's asked if I want to spend my life with him and I've said yes and his response was "I don't think that's going to happen" and kissing me?? SO MIXED)
Honestly the vulnerability has been a big issue with me...it's scared the shit out of me that there's someone I share everything with, tell everything to, am intimate with, and still loves me when I fuck up or stumble a bit. Because it'd be so easy for him to hurt me..I'd like to think I've dealt with that but there's always more work to be done..
I worried about the balance alot at the beginning because he was teaching me so much and I felt I wasn't teaching much of anything. But he is a very very intelligent, logical man and I'm a very emotional, loving woman. He struggles with his emotions to the point he believes he's shut them off. With that being said I was having a hard day once and kind of bickering with him when he brought up some emotional lesson that I had taught him that I had never realized but he had learned from watching me and seeing me rise above anything that came my way and I realized that he doesn't need to tell me I'm teaching him for him to be learning from my examples. Plus we share art techniques and spiritual readings etc so I don't worry so much over that any longer.
I'VE BEEN THERE WITH THE FIXER UP BOY TOO MANY TIMES TOO TOO MANY TIMES and thank the heavens this is not one of those cases. He is very independent to the point where helping him too much can make him a bit cranky. I wouldn't say I'm that level but I do very well on my own. I do not by any means think of him as my missing piece of sorts, I think of both of us as 100% full, genuine souls who when merge help the other grow even stronger if that makes sense. Like 2 little flames coming together and forming a giant fire! I feel I'm drawn to every part of him, and every time I find a new part it's like I'm 5 years old on Christmas! There's not one thing I don't like about him other than his current lack of emotional intelligence (which I believe I am making waves with) and he gets a little loud sometimes (but he's deaf in one ear so it's fair!)
Thank you so much for all this food for thought. I know I need to meditate on all of this and keep up with my energy clearning and all twin flame connection meditation I have but of course I've been running my self into an anxious mess instead of listening to what my soul tells me is best. (MERCURY IN RETROGRADE IS JUST WONDERFUL EH??)
This has been so insightful, thank you thank you thank you.
I need to get some rest but tomorrow I'll begin with a nice sage burn and focus my mind inward (so thankful it's a new moon!!!)
Thanks for the feedback. I understand your stance on marriage and I totally get it, but I think he places a different importance on it, and this is where the conflict arises. You don't need a psychic to tell you this, but even though his "marriage proposal" wasn't official, it was his way of asking you. That part is obvious.
It's kind of cute though, because when my husband proposed to me, it was through a conversation we were having about soul connections and combining of soul. Because the conversation was spiritual in nature, I totally missed it, until things started going downhill. It was like he got rejected and started pulling away. After about three weeks, it finally dawned on me that he was asking me to marry him. Combining our soul=marriage...duh...right? Man, I felt like a complete moron for not getting it! hahah. I talked to him about it and my intuition was dead on, he was proposing. God, I felt so bad because I could only imagine the thoughts and feelings he was feeling for three weeks thinking I didn't want to marry him, when, the reality was I waited 3 years for that proposal,lol. (That's ok, I totally made it up to him with a very intimate wedding ) I think girls often expect the dinner, down on one knee and a ring, something concrete and black and white, like... "will you marry me?" Can't miss that! but some men try to do things diferently to show meaning behind it or something deeper and someone like me misses the point all together!
The point is, either he was proposing in a round about way or getting ready to do it officially,he don't think he got the answer or reaction he was anticipating. I'm not saying to not be true to yourself, if this is how you feel, then you need to follow your heart and your beliefs on the matter, but I would put a million dollars on this being the reason his emotions are so up and down now. It's not to make you change your mind or make you feel bad, it's just merely giving an explanation on why he is acting like this now. The whole " I love you, I don't love you", ect. What can I say? He's crazy in love with you, your crazy in love with him, and if that piece of paper means that much to him, and you can't see yourself with anyone else, I say then, just give it to him. Even if the paper doesn't hold the same significance to you, for some reason it means everything to him. My husband's the same way. I was no longer his GF or fiance, I became his wife, morally, legally, and we were bound by all means possible. And he holds a certain pride with that. People also treated us as a married couple. It's not always about just the spiritual, but that legal binding shows a willingness to commit to that deeper commitment,lol. You can't run away as quickly,lol. Even though on a spiritual level it means nothing, on a physical realm, it solidifies the union to everyone.
Anyway's no pressure!!! HAHAHA. But just being honest. If you know in your soul of souls he is the one, and you have no desire to be with anyone else, and the ONLY thing stopping the two of you from living that beautiful spiritual union you have, I say, just give it him. But, if there are more deeper things going on, then take the step back and work on some of the deeper issues first. Blessed Be.
And one more thing, if he didn't want it, he wouldn't have brought it up and he wouldn't be acting like this . Guys who don't want to marry avoid the conversation like the plague. Ask any guy here But, the reason why he say's he's not interested is merely because you said it and...yeah, it's a whole pride thing. But actions speak louder then words and his actions,though come across mixed, these are action of love, pain, and hope. Again, no pressure, seriously, just some insight to where he is at.
If he told me marriage was important to him you can bet your ass I'd be marching us down to the courtroom and gulping down delicious desserts afterwards. I don't want to get married but as I mentioned before I love him as me and his happiness means the world to me, I don't think I'd consider marriage with any other being though. At least not anyone I currently know.
I really truly believe he is my Twin and I know that if we part ways we will come together again in this life or another. I guess I'm just starting to wonder if I'm crazy? Like maybe I want him to be my Twin so bad I've convinced myself all these signs and such were about him.. but the "coincidences" have been coming so fast and the connection we have is nothing I've even imagined.
I was talking with someone and mentioned that he might not be my Twin and my soul screamed at my heart that this isn't true. I feel inside me that he truly is I just don't understand why he would claim to not be on love with me or want to be with me forever if in fact he does? Maybe he's not so sure himself... Only time will tell I assume. Thanks so much for all your input, lots to think about!
I just want to add to this I would suggest to google Alison Lessard, she's a Twin Flame/Spiritual Teacher. She has some youtube videos that will help you understand more about Twin Flames. Her videos has helped me a lot and gave me understanding therefore i found some peace... i hope this would help you ease your pain and give you some clarity.