Emotional manipulation

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Kit Kat
@kit-kat
11 months ago
230 posts

Hey everyone :)

So... that guy I was talking about in my last post? Total narcissist. It's really sad because I was falling for him, and I've never almost fallen for anyone in real life; my crushes have been mostly fictional/celebrities :). I guess I'm primarily feeling gratitude right now, though, because even though my emotions have been tossed to the ground like trash in an alleyway, the manipulation of the "idealization" phase has become apparent to me sooner rather than later - he accidentally used the wrong mask on me, I think - and he wasn't the type of narcissist to escalate the relationship to the point of convincing me we're soul mates so early on, and to not use "reward/punishment" until later in the game. I'm glad the "reward/punishment" thing (manipulation using 'good times') started early - like the second date - even though the punishment aspect has made me cry way too many tears over this relationship (I didn't know what was going on..) 

Regrettably, before, I was one of those empaths who had the "it'll never happen to me" attitude... Well, I was super wrong. Hopefully if other empaths reading this feel that way, this can be a type of warning..

The worst part is I still find him SO attractive! Even knowing he's broken just makes me love him more for some reason. I suppose I can relate to trying to be strong and awesome on the outside while feeling fragile and vulnerable on the inside? A fallen angel thing? It's a little inexplicable... I think he'd be great for me if he didn't have this disorder. And I haven't rejected him yet :/ I'm waiting for him to ask me out again.. I'm in a position where I know the person I'll choose to marry will be a member of the church I'm part of, and so that makes it harder, as he's the most attractive member of the church that I've ever met. My choices are really narrowed by this standard, but I feel impressed to follow it. Still harder: I can't go "no-contact" or "out" him or anything like that because I'll be seeing him around at church activities :( How can I not stay friends with him like everyone says to do?

I've gotten such great help from my research on this topic (how to get over/break up with a narcissist), but does anyone have any advice on how to reject him/how to deal with this situation? 

Advice always helps me so much.. I hesitated to write this post because I didn't want to bring anyone down (sorry if I did); your advice is just so meaningful to me. I really do feel like this is one of the few places I can come for true understanding.....

Oh and do you have any opinions on using manipulation as part of breaking up with a narcissist (in a kind way)? They're such broken souls, with such fragile egos, from what I've read, so I've been thinking of taking - some of - this article's advice:http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/Home/narcissism/how-to-manipulate-narcissist.html

Kitkat

It feels like my life has turned into 'The Phantom of the Opera" - one of my fav. movies (lol) 


updated by @kit-kat: 07/04/17 08:04:16PM
Nocturne's Angel
@nocturnes-angel
11 months ago
867 posts

Kit Kat:

Hey everyone :)

So... that guy I was talking about in my last post? Total narcissist. It's really sad because I was falling for him, and I've never almost fallen for anyone in real life; my crushes have been mostly fictional/celebrities :). I guess I'm primarily feeling gratitude right now, though, because even though my emotions have been tossed to the ground like trash in an alleyway, the manipulation of the "idealization" phase has become apparent to me sooner rather than later - he accidentally used the wrong mask on me, I think - and he wasn't the type of narcissist to escalate the relationship to the point of convincing me we're soul mates so early on, and to not use "reward/punishment" until later in the game. I'm glad the "reward/punishment" thing (manipulation using 'good times') started early - like the second date - even though the punishment aspect has made me cry way too many tears over this relationship (I didn't know what was going on..) 

Regrettably, before, I was one of those empaths who had the "it'll never happen to me" attitude... Well, I was super wrong. Hopefully if other empaths reading this feel that way, this can be a type of warning..

The worst part is I still find him SO attractive! Even knowing he's broken just makes me love him more for some reason. I suppose I can relate to trying to be strong and awesome on the outside while feeling fragile and vulnerable on the inside? A fallen angel thing? It's a little inexplicable... I think he'd be great for me if he didn't have this disorder. And I haven't rejected him yet :/ I'm waiting for him to ask me out again.. I'm in a position where I know the person I'll choose to marry will be a member of the church I'm part of, and so that makes it harder, as he's the most attractive member of the church that I've ever met. My choices are really narrowed by this standard, but I feel impressed to follow it. Still harder: I can't go "no-contact" or "out" him or anything like that because I'll be seeing him around at church activities :( How can I not stay friends with him like everyone says to do?

I've gotten such great help from my research on this topic (how to get over/break up with a narcissist), but does anyone have any advice on how to reject him/how to deal with this situation? 

Advice always helps me so much.. I hesitated to write this post because I didn't want to bring anyone down (sorry if I did); your advice is just so meaningful to me. I really do feel like this is one of the few places I can come for true understanding.....

Oh and do you have any opinions on using manipulation as part of breaking up with a narcissist (in a kind way)? They're such broken souls, with such fragile egos, from what I've read, so I've been thinking of taking - some of - this article's advice: http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/Home/narcissism/how-to-manipulate-narcissist.html

Kitkat

It feels like my life has turned into 'The Phantom of the Opera" - one of my fav. movies (lol) 

If you don't want him in your life as more than a person you make pleasantries with at church activities, etc.  I'd suggest cutting cords to detach yourself from him & be as brief as possible when speaking with him when you run into him at these activities, functions, etc. so that he doesn't think you want more from him than you actually do.

Best wishes.

Kit Kat
@kit-kat
11 months ago
230 posts

Nocturne's Angel:


Kit Kat:

Hey everyone :)

So... that guy I was talking about in my last post? Total narcissist. It's really sad because I was falling for him, and I've never almost fallen for anyone in real life; my crushes have been mostly fictional/celebrities :). I guess I'm primarily feeling gratitude right now, though, because even though my emotions have been tossed to the ground like trash in an alleyway, the manipulation of the "idealization" phase has become apparent to me sooner rather than later - he accidentally used the wrong mask on me, I think - and he wasn't the type of narcissist to escalate the relationship to the point of convincing me we're soul mates so early on, and to not use "reward/punishment" until later in the game. I'm glad the "reward/punishment" thing (manipulation using 'good times') started early - like the second date - even though the punishment aspect has made me cry way too many tears over this relationship (I didn't know what was going on..) 

Regrettably, before, I was one of those empaths who had the "it'll never happen to me" attitude... Well, I was super wrong. Hopefully if other empaths reading this feel that way, this can be a type of warning..

The worst part is I still find him SO attractive! Even knowing he's broken just makes me love him more for some reason. I suppose I can relate to trying to be strong and awesome on the outside while feeling fragile and vulnerable on the inside? A fallen angel thing? It's a little inexplicable... I think he'd be great for me if he didn't have this disorder. And I haven't rejected him yet :/ I'm waiting for him to ask me out again.. I'm in a position where I know the person I'll choose to marry will be a member of the church I'm part of, and so that makes it harder, as he's the most attractive member of the church that I've ever met. My choices are really narrowed by this standard, but I feel impressed to follow it. Still harder: I can't go "no-contact" or "out" him or anything like that because I'll be seeing him around at church activities :( How can I not stay friends with him like everyone says to do?

I've gotten such great help from my research on this topic (how to get over/break up with a narcissist), but does anyone have any advice on how to reject him/how to deal with this situation? 

Advice always helps me so much.. I hesitated to write this post because I didn't want to bring anyone down (sorry if I did); your advice is just so meaningful to me. I really do feel like this is one of the few places I can come for true understanding.....

Oh and do you have any opinions on using manipulation as part of breaking up with a narcissist (in a kind way)? They're such broken souls, with such fragile egos, from what I've read, so I've been thinking of taking - some of - this article's advice: http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/Home/narcissism/how-to-manipulate-narcissist.html

Kitkat

It feels like my life has turned into 'The Phantom of the Opera" - one of my fav. movies (lol) 

If you don't want him in your life as more than a person you make pleasantries with at church activities, etc.  I'd suggest cutting cords to detach yourself from him & be as brief as possible when speaking with him when you run into him at these activities, functions, etc. so that he doesn't think you want more from him than you actually do.

Best wishes.

Thank you! That's great advice.. That's pretty much what it seems like I have to do (broke up with him yesterday....). It's really cool, though, because I was given the words to say to him to where he couldn't run from the emptiness inside himself. He may even get counseling now, so it has a (hopefully) happy ending. I'm happy I can say that :)

TigerLily
@tigerlily
11 months ago
308 posts
I'm sorry this is happening and I can relate as it's happened to me multiple times. we are victims to narcissistic people. If the guy isn't a narc, he's completely broken in some aspect. Letting go is the hardest, as like you, fallen for them. You just have to stand tall and firm and tell them goodbye. In a matter of days or weeks you will see you made the right decision.
Snap
@snap
11 months ago
103 posts

I share your disposition to Narcissists, at least to a degree. I feel for them as they're obviously fragile. Yet they are dangerous. My strength and presence means they will not target me to any great extent. Indeed, recently I had a brush with one in my work-life and she was utterly relieved I compromised. 

I don't advise but I'll tell you want I've learned. Sadly, interactions with Narcissists are best kept to an absolute minimum for me. The patterns are to all intents and purposes unchangeable, and they're based in serious injury. My experience is that as an Empath, it has been useful to look penetratingly at Narcissists. They seem to instantly sense my capacity to see right through their mask, if only I pay attention for even a moment. This is useful for me because they don't like to be seen and they don't come back for more; or if they do it's almost amusingly timid. Now, I need to be careful as a large male that I don't look intimidating, but I don't need to tell others here that as Empaths, it's not high on our wish list to intimidate. But it's fine--I just put on a look of curiosity and study the eyes.

My point is that personally I remain "friendly" or "collegial" with people who are Narcissistic to some extent simply by making boundaries clear and letting them know I can see through the mask whenever I choose to do so. It's really not hard for me. But there may be a lot of variation in Narcissist-Empath interactions.

I'm sorry for the angst and pain it's caused you. I hope you can work through it.

Kit Kat
@kit-kat
11 months ago
230 posts

:gr_13 gr-alert gr_spell gr_disable_anim_appear ContextualSpelling ins-del multiReplace" id="13" data-gr-id="13">TigerLily"] I'm sorry this is happening and I can relate as it's happened to me multiple times. we are victims to narcissistic people. If the guy isn't a narc, he's completely broken in some aspect. Letting go is the hardest, as like you, fallen for them. You just have to stand tall and firm and tell them goodbye. In a matter of days or weeks you will see you made the right decision.

Thanks so much for your kind words <3 It has been like an icy knife in the heart. I feel the loss really deeply. Your words are very comforting, though. I can relate immensely to the concept of 'letting go' in particular, especially since I'm a dreamer/daydreamer. My mind wants to re-live everything, figure it out even more than necessary. 

Yeah, the main issue with the firm goodbye (which is what I want) is that my mother (who has exhibited narcissistic traits herself a lot of times) is now "friends" with this guy. He's like a family friend now. Can't undo that! lol (She said she's going to keep communication with him even if I'm left out of it, even though I've warned her about his manipulation/lying). The irony is that she was the one who talked him into getting "help" - from a therapist who we happen to be related to, and who also has serious issues herself, IMO. What a mess.......... haha

Kit Kat
@kit-kat
11 months ago
230 posts

Snap:

I share your disposition to Narcissists, at least to a degree. I feel for them as they're obviously fragile. Yet they are dangerous. My strength and presence means they will not target me to any great extent. Indeed, recently I had a brush with one in my work-life and she was utterly relieved I compromised. 

I don't advise but I'll tell you want I've learned. Sadly, interactions with Narcissists are best kept to an absolute minimum for me. The patterns are to all intents and purposes unchangeable, and they're based in serious injury. My experience is that as an Empath, it has been useful to look penetratingly at Narcissists. They seem to instantly sense my capacity to see right through their mask, if only I pay attention for even a moment. This is useful for me because they don't like to be seen and they don't come back for more; or if they do it's almost amusingly timid. Now, I need to be careful as a large male that I don't look intimidating, but I don't need to tell others here that as Empaths, it's not high on our wish list to intimidate. But it's fine--I just put on a look of curiosity and study the eyes.

My point is that personally I remain "friendly" or "collegial" with people who are Narcissistic to some extent simply by making boundaries clear and letting them know I can see through the mask whenever I choose to do so. It's really not hard for me. But there may be a lot of variation in Narcissist-Empath interactions.

I'm sorry for the angst and pain it's caused you. I hope you can work through it.

Yeah, they're such attractively fragile, broken people.. "Fragile" is definitely the right word. His shame was apparent when I said it was over between us (I've heard they can't feel remorse, only shame). It was surreal to hear him crying on the phone and feel so distant from those confused emotions. 

Thank you for sharing your experiences w/ stuff like this :) That's really helpful. I need all the positive influence I can get to resist even letting my pity show around him. It's so tempting to try to manipulate him into feeling remorse, too (an impossible endeavor). 

That's a great point about looking penetratingly into his eyes! I'll have to try that.. Maybe that's a more productive way to 'fight fire with fire' since he's not afraid to use the predatory stare on me. I think it would also bother him because it would show him that I've gotten stronger/more confident (whether that's true or not haha). Keeping things 'professional' is a great tip, too! Thanks! Maybe someday it will be something that won't be hard for me :) but for now I want to push away any and all relationships that would even resemble this one...

TigerLily
@tigerlily
11 months ago
308 posts
He's friends with your mother!!?? Omg, I can't believe she is talking to him after all that you have told her. I'm so sorry all this is happening. This has got to be so hard on you. All you can do is not expect much from either. We have to remember with expections, disappointment is hanging around the corner.
Kit Kat
@kit-kat
11 months ago
230 posts

TigerLily: He's friends with your mother!!?? Omg, I can't believe she is talking to him after all that you have told her. I'm so sorry all this is happening. This has got to be so hard on you. All you can do is not expect much from either. We have to remember with expections, disappointment is hanging around the corner.

Yep, it's really sad.. Thanks a ton for your understanding words. It is extremely hard. I wake up some mornings (after having bad dreams about him), feeling like all the happiness has been drained out of my body. You know, you guys are my main friends at the moment :) I just wish I knew you in person.

I NEVER meant for this to happen (my mom becoming friends with him). The main reason I let my her take the phone from me (so she could go and talk to him for hours!) is that I thought she might be able to talk him into giving up the losing battle/getting help, which actually did work out (he should've seen the therapist this week, actually). The scary thing was how well she could 'relate' to him while they were talking. It even felt like she was flattered and charmed by his lying words, practically to the blushing point... bleh.. Perhaps they can relate on a primal, narcissistic level. I guess I had been in denial about some of her narcissistic traits until this experience. That is a very true statement about expectations and disappointment........ Thus we see how good Christian people can sometimes see too much good in others = projection (I'm speaking mostly about myself here..) 


updated by @kit-kat: 01/05/17 06:45:13PM
Scott Yates
@scott-yates
11 months ago
62 posts
I feel that narcissistic ppl feed off the empathic more than others. Empaths overly love; overly feel; overly care; we give more chances than is deserved; and we doubt ourselves a lot. Cutting cords with that person and standing strong on your decision is all great advise and very helpful. I have found that you also have to strengthen your weaknesses as well. Seeing that person often isn't a bad thing. Each time you see that person, it will remind you of the heartache you've been put through and keep you on track to strenghthening yourself. Emotional distance will help as well. Its like building an emotional wall between the two of you. Before you know it, your heart will heal and your emotions reset. Hang in there Kit-Kat. It sucks but helps you grow.
Kit Kat
@kit-kat
11 months ago
230 posts

Scott Yates: I feel that narcissistic ppl feed off the empathic more than others. Empaths overly love; overly feel; overly care; we give more chances than is deserved; and we doubt ourselves a lot. Cutting cords with that person and standing strong on your decision is all great advise and very helpful. I have found that you also have to strengthen your weaknesses as well. Seeing that person often isn't a bad thing. Each time you see that person, it will remind you of the heartache you've been put through and keep you on track to strenghthening yourself. Emotional distance will help as well. Its like building an emotional wall between the two of you. Before you know it, your heart will heal and your emotions reset. Hang in there Kit-Kat. It sucks but helps you grow.

Beautiful way to put it! That is very strengthening.... Thank you <3

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