Imagine a map that starts with an X on "You are here" --childhood naivete --- then you travel down a highway of cultural and social expectations and adventure-- then travel down whitewater rapids through male/female relationships in marriage workplace kids politics. Next you are here, on the river bank, nearly dead. The sun warms. And you find a small dirt trail back up to the main road.
I walking down some road. I am naked and lost in an exposed sort of way and feeling the proverbial female victim. I am so oppressed by my experience of males that I am triggered at male energy of any kind (either I want to compete with it or run or have sex with it).
These last months I was on a journey to find my female voice, my female strength and I found it... but something was still missing. In all this peace, and acceptance, and calm and restfulness I felt a crisis I didn't want to to name or acknowledge--- because it scared me. I wanted to keep things peaceful and feminine and blue and Yin. and then when I really hung in there and stayed mindful... really mindful... not adopting someone else's mindfulness... but my own... I started to hear that I was carving off parts of myself. I was cutting out the parts of myself that felt like the voice of the "abuser" etc. to the point that even requiring anything of myself felt abusive. Example, I would want to clean a room of the house and if I felt any resistence, I would simply honor that. Let the weaker part of me or yin part seek water and refreshment etc. and force nothing. I had weeks of this-- total allowance toward emotional self-care. I walked the dirt road through a natural wonderland.
Then today on my walk I had a complete unexpected breakthrough. It came about as a result of really listening to the various perspectives in my head. And asking what do you feel? What do you need? How are you trying to get it? And then I would listen to another perspective.
I realized that I have put so many protective guards up (and understandably so) that I have not been honoring the inner male-- I don't mean I'm having a gender crisis or a sexuality crisis (no judgment, just not what this is)--- I am having a spiritual crisis--- that is that I am trying to force myself to "heal" my trauma without recognizing the masculine needs or yang balance----
I need to stand up, dust myself off, compete for jobs again, I need to earn money, protect my family, feed myself and my kids. I need to stave off distraction, get organized, and do some conquering of evil and fear etc. And I need to do this with the support of my feminine self. I have been "judging" and ridiculing and avoiding anything that smacks of Yang or masculine energy in my life--- because those who seemed to hurt me were in Yang mode or even were male physical bodies, but I am feeling like the problem is that I have been seeking this balance, this yang, in others--- instead of recognizing it in myself AND HONORING IT--- not fighting against it.
This place of protection for the Empath-- the one who sees and honors what she sees-- needs the protection of the inner Yang--- she has been out there in a confusing world picking up on every energy out there and projecting some of her own.
I would love to know if other Empath's have encountered enlightenmnet on the male/female continuum or what you think about this concept.
updated by @jenstone: 03/12/17 03:27:38PM