I just want to start by saying "Just because it could be worse, doesn't mean it couldn't be better"
And from this, ask a question about myself, or rather said, ourselves in general. I know we are highly sensitive people (though I am wondering whether we should really be named like this... with the conception of "having something weak there". In my opinion it's such a strong gift, it just asks you to take care of it and yourself and make you accept things on a deeper level) and everybody gets premonitions, an eerie or just overall "shaky" feeling that "it will not be ok if i do this" or "this will not bring me any good" even though on the spot it might seems like you cannot find the root cause and your brain and common sense are like "you can treat this 'professionally' and pull it out right? it will be of use in the future, don't give it up" or something like this. And yet, despite all the logical reasons, you wake up as if accessing your heart becomes even harder and so does relating to other people, or you even feel like you cannot tolerate any longer certain people that you didn't mind "borrowing" some energy through the link between you two (well I'm actually quite glad because of this actually). You want, say, a professional thing, but somehow in practice, it drains you of the thing you want to share the most: love, acceptance, easy-going-ness. Sure it might bring a sense of "you are doing something" but at the same time it's like a pretext. Ultimately you feel stressed, and wake up thinking one thing: wanting to give it up as realistically speaking, you've also got plenty of other opportunities, even though you've made plans about this and now you're slightly disappointed.
Now to be more exact, and I am sorry I generalized it so much (i was hoping that others could maybe relate), this is definitely not a one-time feeling/case scenario. I have feelings/premonitions so to call them about things, about people, about anything that might not go well and which does not go according to my... will of doing something better in this lifetime. I was proven right many times, and yet, some other times, despite even getting physical illness after prolonged time in this anxious state of "I don't really want to do this in this environment" i actually pulled it out. Once again, these feelings are re-appearing now, and it is about volunteering at a students organisation, which was cool while I was abroad. The problem is with the one in my country... well... I perceive the community differently, in a bit of a darker shade (which can be explained by a big difference in socio-economical factors............) and yet it drains me, feels like I want to pull away from people rather than open up more, so even though it seemed like this will be the perfect chance to help other students and so on I am ultimately getting these signals that my heart does not agree with it. I even caught a cold in these 2 weeks of "should i do this" after not having any for 2 years. There is one big material factor (my license, and not so much free time) but the most important one remains my gut instinct that keeps making me want to pull away.
I have been learning to trust it, and interpret a lot of signs, and yet I have a long way to go. I now realize when I was younger I used to get drained and horribly overwhelmed from a sensorial point of view and crowds, malls, stuff with a lot of radio waves etc were not my favorite spots. This is why some of my rationalizing might have been wrong, and I was just scared to do a certain thing. I do not want this to be the case again, and I do not want to be a coward, or get "paranoiac" about it, which for us can oftentimes be a big problem I believe.
Yet I've always loved to go adventure-mode and do things others are afraid of, so I cannot speak about being scared per se, but rather, unsure of how to interpret the signals that i get and lack of confidence in myself (more in the past). From horse riding, to scuba diving, public speaking, jumping in the defense of someone who gets bullied for bullshit or actually trying to separate fighting dogs or touching wild snakes. I am naming these maybe because I want to underline that i have a different concept of fear...
it's more related to not screwing up all the hopes that my loved ones and family put in me, or even 'better', being afraid to take risks. I also had to create some ripples there because I grew extremely uncomfortable with any traditional role or expectations that were placed upon me and would essentially not benefit my own wishes that i for too long I just kept within myself anyways. I cried so much when i was younger .__. But I am happy to discover wishes do come true. And this is exactly what i want.
So there you have it: how do you know, how have you learned to separate actual premonitions/bad feelings from potentially obsessive/paranoiac thoughts? I know that sometimes you cannot even do that even if you're told or read about it, it's only through experience and time that you can weight the probability and your own will that play a role in something happening or rolling in a certain way... maybe I should just try to reach a calmer state more often :/
Note: I found out there is a history in my family with predictive dreams and images that came true and even some of our close friends or some other people knew about them. If it was not for this, I might have still been questioning my own sanity, since I tend to always first question things. My mother dreams about them however so they are more of a "hard to influence" matter. I have choices, and this is my problem :/
updated by @kate: 02/26/17 09:23:32PM