Seriously depressed and struggling

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Debbie Winchell (Loving Dove)
@debbie-winchell-loving-dove
4 years ago
49 posts

I am very seriously depressed and struggling. People tell me what to do to help myself to feel better and then leave me alone. I don't need to be dictated to (indeed, a PTSD trigger); I need people to be with me, pay attention to me, help me. I am shriveling up from being ignored.

I had to drop a group of "friends" because they were takers instead of givers. Even though I socialized with them at least twice a month, no one ever really cared to listen to me. I remember breaking down crying at a knitting group because someone asked me how I was. I can't go to that group anymore because it moved to a place that bothers my allergies badly and it's too far away now.

Indeed, I am being poisoned by my own apartment with artificial scent drifting in from other units. Using my air conditioner in this heat makes me sick because it pools. I usually run fans in the windows all day to vent the crap. At least I found out Medicaid will pay for an air purifier. So, yes, I'm under attack in my own home. I haven't slept in my bed since January.

I have no job, I have to go to an unemployment hearing next week because the lying boss from hell wants my benefits taken away. I can't cope with my life anymore all by myself and no one understands it. Sorry, one comment on Facebook doesn't cut it. I wasn't made to live alone all my life like I've been forced to. People are made to be with others. My relatives ignore me, my friends don't care, American companies don't think I'm valuable enough, corporations want all our last dimes. Everywhere I turn, someone is after me or telling me I don't matter. I think the only reason I haven't give up completely is my cats.


updated by @debbie-winchell-loving-dove: 02/23/17 01:55:44PM
MaryAnne
@maryanne
4 years ago
30 posts
Hi Debbie!You're not alone. Half of the things you described I also feel right now.I also have friends like that. They turn to me when THEY need someone to talk to. I never thought about that before. That they're being selfish and, oh well, they have bigger problems than me anyways.But since I begun to realise who I was and WHY they think they can turn to me with their problems, I feel like listening and giving advise is just not enough for me. Eventhough I also have told about my problems to them,I always had a feeling they never REALLY listened. Or listened and then forgot.It's weird like that. It's like you can see them looking around and thinking something else to tell me about. Like a contest or something.Like you and your problems and thoughts don't matter cause they have everything worse.So somewhere along the way I just gave up. I dont talk to them anymore. I only listen. And eventhough they sometimes ask me how am I doing, I have this feeling that they dont really mean it. They just want to talk about them. It's not their fault really. They just dont know HOW to listen anymore. It's not like they are bad people or bad friends.People are selfish. And then they are surprised when somebody commits a suicide. It has happen amongst the people I know. Two times in a last five years. And I dont know all that many people.And then they ask WHY?! Why did he do this?Well anyways... Sometimes I have those thoughts too. And then I think about the people that really love me. How the've suffered through all the things I've done and said. Because I was confused about the feelings that werent even mine. And of course, some were ;DMy family. Mom and dad, brothers and sisters and their children.They are my reason to live.Like you have your cats. Hopefully siblings too?Cause no matter what, there are always people who love you just the way you are.And eventhough you might feel down now and everything seems dark...it goes away.Those days music helps. Or some good movie. Or even just a nap.I'm not gonna tell you what to do or feel. You'll figure it out yourself.Just know that whenever you need to talk, you can write me. Or post something on the board.I'll listen. Or read ;) And I try to answer. At the moment I'm quite busy with two jobs but I'll always try to read what people have posted here. I feel for them and if I have some good advice, I try to answer also.Dont know if any of it helped. Trust me if I say this - you're not alone!!!
Debbie Winchell (Loving Dove)
@debbie-winchell-loving-dove
4 years ago
49 posts

No siblings, no close cousins. I wasn't made to be this alone, but you can't make people do anything. I tried twice to invite people to have ice cream with me on my birthday. Not one person in 40 did. So I gave up. This year has been a struggle and I have another one now. I just don't want to think about it right now.

Gin S
@gin-s
4 years ago
225 posts

It feels like people will only allow us to listen. When I need to vent or need help there is no one around. I have been there through so many peoples problems but when the tables turn and I need them they run and never come back. I have cut out alot of people that were only around to use me and when I looked around no one was left. Most people I have met I wouldn't want as a friend and I sure don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't care in return. I too suffer from daily allergies. I have been depressed for a coupledecades now, sometimes mild sometimes severe. I have read many books on depression and it seems the best way is to work on changing how you think to more positive. I do have a problem with negative thinking but it is hard not to when the world keeps sending more then we can deal with. I have tried numerous antidepressants which didn't do anything I could feel. My whole family was depressive yet my mother told me I was lying when I told her I was seriously depressed as a teen. I even had a teen magazine depression quiz to show her the checklist of symptoms that I had. When I was suicidal for a while she would only give me 5min of her time and no help whatsoever.

I know how you feel. Just remember that things change and you won't always feel like this. It can get better just hang in there.

MaryAnne
@maryanne
4 years ago
30 posts
I wish I could say that it get better. Like some people usually do ;)But it gets better and the bad to worse again. And then better!That's life I guess.For some people, like me, it's worse. Cause of all that empath-thing.I found a way to escape. My way. There are actually quite many of those.You'll just gonna have to find what suits you the best.And when I ready, I return to the "real" world again. When I'm stronger and wiser even. Cant really explain how that happens but it works.I've accepted the fact that most people are selfish and careless and they don't think the way I do. And it's okay. Sometimes I'm dissapointed, sure. And then I think that I should just take the ones I care about, and accept them just the way they are. Because that's exactly what they do. With me.Even if I'm showing them my worst colours ;)Such a cliche but again - thats how it is.

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