Just need to write it

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Engageme
@engageme
2 years ago
32 posts

I would like to start by saying I know no advice will really help. I just need to write it down because it's part of how I heal. I can't post it to Facebook so this is the safest place I can post it. Feel free to offer advice if you'd like, just know that I know no one can solve this for me. Thank you for your time and a place to write this out.

My husband and I have recently started exploring some sexy techniques (like sexy messages and games, etc...) and we have had so much fun with it. It has brought out a side of him that I LOVE! but...here's the but...we started talking about fantasies. I admitted that I often think of him with another woman when I am fantasizing but that I would NEVER go for it....it would kill me but the fantasy is fun in thought. I asked him about his fantasies, well he had to be coaxed some to admit it-I had to make it safe for him, and finally he said two women. No shocker there right? a lot of men do fantasize about that one. I told him that is a common one. So continuing with the fantasy talk I said "what would we be doing with you?" he said whatever we wanted he guessed. Well...as usual I can't leave well enough alone...never could, so I went into trying to see if this is just a sexy thought or if he'd actually do it. So I prodded some and he said he would. I went so far as to pretend I was okay with it but told him he'd get jealous-he said he wouldn't-it wouldn't bother him a bit. That is where I got hurt. I realized that he would do it and that hurts. I know some people are different and certainly men think of sex differently, but I can't get over the feeling of pain. It hurts to know he's be willing to share me. I wasn't expecting him to actually be okay with it. Exploring like this is very hard because sometimes you wind up finding something you LOVE but sometimes you find something that hurts like hell. I don't want to shut down our exploration because it's brought us so much closer, but of course this put a wall between us for now. I will get over it-never forget it because I hold my memories forever, but I'll move on from it and get back to flirting and being intimate-I just don't want to right now. I have explained to him that i don't think he's a bad person, it just hurts me to know that's how he feels, but he can't help that he thinks differently. I just need time to mourn this and move on from it.


updated by @engageme: 05/30/17 09:24:06AM
Engageme
@engageme
2 years ago
32 posts

I agree that there are things that can bring out past things we've buried. First, thank you for your reply. However, you have piqued my interest :) do you think my being hurt by this is from some buried experience? I know I have past pain from childhood that I have learned bad coping skills from (Like not letting go of things when it hurts me and feeling the need to control my feelings to a scientific level lol) but I am not sure that this would qualify. I think he would be hurt if he really thought I wanted another man in bed with us---thoughts? I don't---but that just isn't my fantasy. Even though I have a healthy appreciation for pleasure and variety, and probably being that I think with the brain of a woman which normally associates sex and love together, I have no desire for another person, much less another man, with us.

Engageme
@engageme
2 years ago
32 posts

It does make sense and it has given me something to ponder. I love the I forgive you line-I have copied and pasted it onto my desktop so I can practice that. It is a very healing statement. Thank you for your reply.

Engageme
@engageme
2 years ago
32 posts

Your message was perfect. You are correct, I sense a lot and when I do I dig. Letting go has seemed impossible for me. If I think someone is withholding the truth it drives me CRAZY! You are right as well, I do ask the questions I don't want the answer to but it is because I want the truth even if it hurts. I guess my biggest fear is not knowing the truth-I'd rather know and hurt. I also agree that I coaxed it out and then got hurt-I do that...a mortal flaw but it's true. I will likely do it again just to be honest because I don't want to think one thing while he thinks another-I need to know the facts then decide if I can live with them. I will say that I did stop my madness before I went further than I was willing to live with-I actually contemplated hiring someone to pretend to want to participate and in my mind if he went for it I was leaving and getting a divorce. That may seem extreme-maybe it is, but I have NO interest in another man and I don't want to be with someone who does either. I stopped myself because I realized that right now we can talk about this and move on, but if I went over that cliff there would be no return, no do overs. I also know him and he would pretty much do anything I wanted so I realized his participation could wind up being more about doing what I wanted than what he wanted and I could ruin the marriage over as you called it, a "misunderstanding". I also did think of his feelings honestly-one of the first things I did was realize that I made him feel safe and then I shot him down and that will create trust issues in the future. I really do think of his side and I really do realize his feelings and I am aware that to him this feels like punishment but on the same hand I am not, nor would he want me to, pretend to want sex if I don't. He'd see right through it and it would create more trust issues. I'm actually a great communicator so we have discussed my feelings but I also am not so good with believing his reasons because I feel like he's just saying them so I'm not mad. I hate flattery-to me it insults my intelligence and if I feel that's what you are doing it pisses me off. We discussed how I felt and he said he hadn't thought of it like that. He's not a great communicator but he has improved with my communicating and he really does try. I agree that we don't want to have to tell a man what to express-and I still feel that way. If I have to tell him that I feel like he's saying it for my benefit. I told him last night that to me, he cannot truly treasure our intimacy or he'd never be willing to share it. I believe that. I said even if you didn't plan to participate (which I believe he would want to) allowing another person, even if it is a woman, to pleasure me instead of you to me means our intimacy is just sex to you. I said I know you love me, but I don't think our sexual life is special to you-I think you could have sex with anyone and get as much from it. To me, I could not enjoy sex with another person, woman or man, because that is something sacred to me as part of my love for him. I know society has tried to convince us that men think differently and that they can separate sex from love but I don't and won't buy that. I think if you are truly intimate with your partner you won't want to share that with anyone. Like I told him, if all you want is to watch two girls, there is porn for that. That is easy to find. I know my thoughts may not be popular but they are mine and I value my feelings too. I think society has made too many women neglect their own feelings to please their man and it's degrading. I am head strong when it comes to something I feel I am right about but I do try and see alternative views-I actually did some research on it yesterday. Unfortunately allI found were extremes---from its normal (which it is NOT) to you will burn in hell (which you will NOT) so it wasn't much help. All I really found was that there are some women who do some crazy things to please a man and it all ended badly. I think the compromise is that I will try and steer clear of topics that will cause me to dig deeper but then that isn't possible all the time because sometimes he will say things I pick up on. Recently while playing a game I read a card that said "what is the dirties thing you dreamed of" and he said he really didn't know. I said "okay, what is the dirtiest thing you have ever thought of doing?" he said "with you?" that peaked my sense....why the HELL would you think of what you wanted to do with anyone but me? I did prod but I told him honestly why I was questioning that statement-I didn't manipulate it I just flat out asked why would he ask "with you?" and when he said he just didn't understand the question I actually let it go (shocker) but of course the seed had been planted...It will resurface I'm sure but what can I do? he said his reply and I can't prove otherwise.

I do appreciate your tough love post-you didn't say anything that was not true. I am very open to honest, constructive criticism. I know many who aren't but I am. I love that you say remember the lesson not the pain-I will try to remember that. Thank you for your honest feedback.

Engageme
@engageme
2 years ago
32 posts

I will! thank you!

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