Your message was perfect. You are correct, I sense a lot and when I do I dig. Letting go has seemed impossible for me. If I think someone is withholding the truth it drives me CRAZY! You are right as well, I do ask the questions I don't want the answer to but it is because I want the truth even if it hurts. I guess my biggest fear is not knowing the truth-I'd rather know and hurt. I also agree that I coaxed it out and then got hurt-I do that...a mortal flaw but it's true. I will likely do it again just to be honest because I don't want to think one thing while he thinks another-I need to know the facts then decide if I can live with them. I will say that I did stop my madness before I went further than I was willing to live with-I actually contemplated hiring someone to pretend to want to participate and in my mind if he went for it I was leaving and getting a divorce. That may seem extreme-maybe it is, but I have NO interest in another man and I don't want to be with someone who does either. I stopped myself because I realized that right now we can talk about this and move on, but if I went over that cliff there would be no return, no do overs. I also know him and he would pretty much do anything I wanted so I realized his participation could wind up being more about doing what I wanted than what he wanted and I could ruin the marriage over as you called it, a "misunderstanding". I also did think of his feelings honestly-one of the first things I did was realize that I made him feel safe and then I shot him down and that will create trust issues in the future. I really do think of his side and I really do realize his feelings and I am aware that to him this feels like punishment but on the same hand I am not, nor would he want me to, pretend to want sex if I don't. He'd see right through it and it would create more trust issues. I'm actually a great communicator so we have discussed my feelings but I also am not so good with believing his reasons because I feel like he's just saying them so I'm not mad. I hate flattery-to me it insults my intelligence and if I feel that's what you are doing it pisses me off. We discussed how I felt and he said he hadn't thought of it like that. He's not a great communicator but he has improved with my communicating and he really does try. I agree that we don't want to have to tell a man what to express-and I still feel that way. If I have to tell him that I feel like he's saying it for my benefit. I told him last night that to me, he cannot truly treasure our intimacy or he'd never be willing to share it. I believe that. I said even if you didn't plan to participate (which I believe he would want to) allowing another person, even if it is a woman, to pleasure me instead of you to me means our intimacy is just sex to you. I said I know you love me, but I don't think our sexual life is special to you-I think you could have sex with anyone and get as much from it. To me, I could not enjoy sex with another person, woman or man, because that is something sacred to me as part of my love for him. I know society has tried to convince us that men think differently and that they can separate sex from love but I don't and won't buy that. I think if you are truly intimate with your partner you won't want to share that with anyone. Like I told him, if all you want is to watch two girls, there is porn for that. That is easy to find. I know my thoughts may not be popular but they are mine and I value my feelings too. I think society has made too many women neglect their own feelings to please their man and it's degrading. I am head strong when it comes to something I feel I am right about but I do try and see alternative views-I actually did some research on it yesterday. Unfortunately allI found were extremes---from its normal (which it is NOT) to you will burn in hell (which you will NOT) so it wasn't much help. All I really found was that there are some women who do some crazy things to please a man and it all ended badly. I think the compromise is that I will try and steer clear of topics that will cause me to dig deeper but then that isn't possible all the time because sometimes he will say things I pick up on. Recently while playing a game I read a card that said "what is the dirties thing you dreamed of" and he said he really didn't know. I said "okay, what is the dirtiest thing you have ever thought of doing?" he said "with you?" that peaked my sense....why the HELL would you think of what you wanted to do with anyone but me? I did prod but I told him honestly why I was questioning that statement-I didn't manipulate it I just flat out asked why would he ask "with you?" and when he said he just didn't understand the question I actually let it go (shocker) but of course the seed had been planted...It will resurface I'm sure but what can I do? he said his reply and I can't prove otherwise.
I do appreciate your tough love post-you didn't say anything that was not true. I am very open to honest, constructive criticism. I know many who aren't but I am. I love that you say remember the lesson not the pain-I will try to remember that. Thank you for your honest feedback.