I'm falling apart.
Last night during one of our family get togethers, I lashed out at my 18 year old nephew, who has Aspergers.
I've been working so hard on mediatating, trying to live in the moment, be peaceful and was so focused on approaching the holiday time staying grounded with my goal to look past the numerous dysfunctions within my family. I was happy as I got through Xmas eve, Xmas day and almost the whole day of the 26th, until about 7pm. Then, my nephew started an argument with my 81 year old father while we were conversing at the dinner table.
My nephew totally disrespected my Dad. My Dad has bent over backwards helping him with various projects for most of his life. He was yelling at my Dad, and blowing him off basically saying that my Dad was out of touch with his goals for his project. (My nephew likes to play with wires and fans, and he thinks that he is "building something" or "inventing something" because he strings a few wires together. His contraptions have been known to overheat, and is a fire-risk in his home.) His remarks hit a nerve with me. I just reacted, and followed him out of the room, yelling back at him at how dare he speak to my Dad that way, when he has done more for him than his own father? He has supported him and encouraged him, and he can't even listen fully to what my Dad was trying to explain to him.
Anyway, I ranted for about 10 minutes. I'm sure it was a waste of my breath, as I could see that he shut down on me, and wasn't comprehending anything. When I returned to the family table, everyone was telling me that I shouldn't have done that, and that "It's just his hormones right now, and that I needed to be more understanding." I looked at all of them and said that I believed that they were making excuses for him and babying him. That they were not teaching him to have respect for his elders and all of the shared history that he and my father had together.
My sister (his mom) sat down and took my hand and said that she talks to him about this kind of stuff all of the time, and because of his Aspergers, he is socially inept and doesn't pick up on social cues. I do know that about Aspergers, but in my gut, the scene played out more like he was being a brat and acting very spoiled.
I've been beating myself up ever since. I can't stop reliving that moment and the hours that passed afterwards. I feel so ashamed and guilty. I feel misunderstood by my family.
I am considering not returning to my sisters home for awhile. Three out of four of her kids have issues: The eldest is ODD, the second with Aspergers, OCD, ADHD and the fourth has ODD, ADHD and gives me the slimiest feelings whenever he is around. I can't handle all of the negativity, lies, manipulation, self-centeredness of the kids, and how the adults have to "ignore" all of the craziness. I just can't do it. I thought I could handle it, and it just causes me anxiety and I become angry.
I feel dysfunctional myself right now. The thought of returning to their home just feels so toxic. I don't want to be a part of it. I don't know how to say this to my sister without hurting her feelings.
updated by @evolving: 09/04/18 03:54:18PM