Always made to feel so insecure about who I am

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Jodi Hill
@jodi-hill
2 years ago
89 posts

My doctor diagnosed me as having Adult emotional psychological abuse, depression/ anxiety. My very first abuser in my life was my father and then the father of my children and my second husband who I was with for about 11 years. On top of that I was raped by an uncle on my mom's side of the family when I was a young girl and up till a few years ago I never told anyone and when I did nobody but my mom believed me.

I was talking to my adult daughter last night on the phone about all this and she basically called me a liar when I told her that alot of the symptoms of this emotional abuse I spend 11 years dealing with from her ex stepfather and she argued that I had "mental" issues long before he came around and so she's sticking up for him. This is a man who threatened to cut me up into pieces and scatter my body all over so nobody would find me, this a man who said when he was done with me not even my own kid's would want anything to do with me and I'd not be able to show my face in this town, this from a man who said he hoped my car blows up with me in it and it goes on and on. I endured this kind of talk for years and on top of that he was fooling around with other women for years which I found out for fact two years ago and we split. He is now living down where my daughter resides and so is at her home every week. She even knowing what he did to me and the thing's he said to me still sticks up for him and treats me like everything was all my fault.

Her father, I spent years hearing him call me fat names over and over again and telling me what a bad mother I was and that he was going to take my kid's from me and I'd never see them again which never happened but these are thing's I had to endure from him and the woman he was fooling around with behind my back.

My dad was an alcoholic abuser and I won't even go into the horrors I had to see and hear and endure from that man growing up.

It really hurts my heart that my own daughter refuses to believe me and continues to stick up for her ex stepfather about anything and everything even though she lived in the house for years and saw and heard alot of the way he treated me. Now she's calling me crazy.


updated by @jodi-hill: 05/29/17 08:59:23PM
Cat Whisperer
@cat-whisperer
2 years ago
726 posts
Jodi, I have also come from an abusive past. Some of the things you mention resonate with me so my heart goes out to you for enduring such pain. I have not spoken to my adult daughter in over 20 years due to a similar situation. I have a grandson that I have never met. I deal with that pain a lot, but as hard as it is, you have to make peace with it. Otherwise you will continue to be miserable and have side effects from all the poison (depression, etc). Just remember you cannot change other people. They will believe what they want to believe. That does not change who you are inside. You have to remember that. Hopefully she will come around and listen to your view in time. Keep in mind that she might not. It may be painful to her to hear about her dad being such a monster. Good luck in your journey. I pray that one day your relationship with your daughter will be mended. In the mean time, accept what is. Try to release the poison and try not to judge the situation. That only makes it worse. As hard as it is, you have to forgive....that is the beginning of the healing.A lot of people are having to deal with past B.S. This has to be dealt with and healed before you can move on.
Jodi Hill
@jodi-hill
2 years ago
89 posts

No I do not want to come back here. I don't want to deal with the people who have hurt me in this life or any other. They have taken enough from me. I deal with two parents who want to die cause they are miserable and I have to listen to it often. My daughter isn't happy unless she's talking about someone else's drama and life which I have nothing to do with and neither does she and on top of that she is bi polar and also has the gift and refuses to use it. Her son had it and she all but shut him down to it now. he is 7. She and I are always arguing and then we go day's without talking and then it's the same during every conversation we have. My son only bother's with me when he wants something or wants to talk about a new girlfriend or his job but as soon as I start talking about anything in my life he shuts me down and then say's he has to go.

It's ruff for me each and every day. I spend alot of time alone.

Engageme
@engageme
2 years ago
32 posts

Hello Jodi,

Each person handles things differently. Some it's instinctual to change and become stronger and some it's more instinctual to just withdrawal. I have been both. As a young child I suffered a lot as well. I used to curl up and take cover. One day something snapped and I stood up and fought back (metaphorically). I am 46 now and it has taken me over half my life to get to the place I am now. I am not perfect and there are flaws I still don't like, but over all I love who I am. I have done transformations many times in my life. The last one was divorcing after a 22 year marriage (I am remarried now). I can tell you that it isn't easy but the rewards are so many and so immediately obvious. You cannot fix anyone until you fix YOU. I had to start with me...why did I attract, and better yet accept, abusive men? I asked myself this early question. From there I had to search myself to find the core of the problem. I used this on many situations like when I would get so insecure in a relationship I'd first say why do I feel this way? Is it something I am insecure about? if so, how can I empower myself to not feel inferior? if it is something he's doing then why am I allowing him to remain in my life? When I was going through the divorce my daughter and I who are very close, had issues. She didn't like me dating. I decided to talk with her about her feelings but in the end I stood my ground and told her I am an adult and I deserve happiness as well. I was a single mother of two and I deserved to go out! I wasn't going to let her or her gossipy little friends to belittle me for being a healthy woman. You need to learn WHY you like you, WHY you don't (and work on the why you don't) and stand your ground. I have been over weight since 1997 when my thyroid completely quit working entirely. I used to feel self conscious to the point I didn't feel sexy any more. I had to learn to love me how I am and though every woman has a natural fear of the mirror (we see it as a microscope) and I am not completely in love with every physical thing about me, I see my strengths and I know I am still very sexy and very smart and very worthy of being seen as such. Only you can do this, and you need to find your own road to get there, but you have to be willing to look inside and take the first step and I PROMISE people will see your self love and you will no longer be the victim!

Good luck to you!

Jodi Hill
@jodi-hill
2 years ago
89 posts

I am feeling so lost.. My children are no longer talking to me anymore. They have told me that I need mental help and need on depression pills. My doctor has been wanting me on them for years and I have told him no due to I don't want them to block all my emotions and make me feel unfeeling at all and also because I hear they can block your being able to communicate with spirit. But my daughter has posted on her facebook page that I am a heartless bitch and that I have myself up on a pedestal which I do not. She has blocked me off her face book page and told me to leave her alone yet she continues to post bad thing's on her page about me as my EX stepmother who basically started it all by taking a private conversation we were having out to public on her page which caused an argument between me and my son. Now I have other members of my family lashing out at me and sending out text messages throughout the family saying that I need mental help and need to be put in the hospital. This family doesn't understand me at all. Yes I am depressed due to alot of issues but for them to be so non supportive and to just lash out at someone who is depressed and make it worse isn't helping. Most of the people who are lashing out at me have been taking meds for depression for years including my own daughter. I don't want to take depression med's but I feel I am in need of some counseling to talk to someone if it's going to help and not make it worse. being empath is so hard cause other's look at you like your crazy when your so far from it and they make you feel horrible about yourself.

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