I guess I've known for a while now that I am an empath. Sorry if this discussion sounds off, I can't really talk to people right now, that is, Ishouldn't be trying to. This is already going to get upsetting and I know that, just please remember that I am not a leech, and I would only ever use these powers for good. But I am a bad person by nature, but I have the power to become good, and that's what I want, but I can't do it like this. I guess I'll cut to the chase; I have only ever really existed between two things; physical and emotional pain. I've never felt what happiness is, really; I've only ever been upset or in pain, and as sick as it is, I now enjoy being upset. I draw life from it, and I'm so sorry. I often cannot feel anything for myself most of the time, I have to feel something from others. That isn't to say it's always like that; sometimes I can feel sad by myself. But other times there's this thing in the way, I like to call it the Headache. My entire brain hurts physically, and I can't feel a thing. I can't do anything either. I can't draw, I can't write, I can't talk to people...it's hard for me to talk to them anyways, and my entire purpose in life is to write, and just feel emotion and be empathetic. I can't write and interact without emotion, and I can't feel emotion without other people, either that, or the Headache gets in the way. I know it isn't like a normal headache; it's stayed for months before, until I was dropped back into a constant stasis of stress, and when I have tried to do something like vent, my god am I punished for it. I can't move if I do, and no emotion is actually released. It just caught up with me again (writing this I'm starting to feel something, but I know as soon as I stop it's coming right back again. I can actually feel it creeping up right now). I don't want to be an emotional vampire. That's not right. But anything is better than this pain. I can do good; I have taken pain away from my friend before, just by touching her, and no matter how bad it hurts to withdraw, I never farm people; I try to resolve their awful emotions instead of just absorbing them. These things I cannot do at will though. So I suppose I'm asking advice on several things; how do I access emotions of my own, how do I get rid of this Headache, if there is a way, and how to I begin to heal people at will? I don't want to be a vampire, I don't think I should be evil, I really want to change the way I'm wired. Please, I need some sort of advice if you can offer it.
updated by @enterich: 03/25/17 07:05:19AM