Hey, first of all thanks for accepting me ..
The title says it all. im new to this information and now i reflect on all the things i did and all the phases throughout my life which i thought was VERY lucky "coincidences" . And i have no where to turn because even my parents think i should go see specialist. and im 35 m btw, lived in Indonesia and im happily married with 2 kids and they are the reasons why i need to stay focus , but its hard to focus when i dont exactly know whats going on..
i googled alot about empath for the past 3 days and its shocking to know many people are like me .. many quizes about being an empath on the net i almost get perfect score on every single one. so with every question my heart is lighten up abit and i can smile and relax knowing i may not be crazy after all..
so please bear the long post and see if anyone can relate or maybe give answer few of the things i couldnt find or may not interprate correctly. ( english is my 2nd language , pls pardon any typo or vocab/grammar errors )
1. since first day of school i never could play in the field with other kids, because i was a loner ( i thought i was ) and i rather spent times in library alone. this goes on throughout my schooldays. but i only studied till 10th grade and i dropped out becase i felt it was useless. plus i was lazy . i scored high on my 1-2 grade.. then lost intrest and always just do enough to pass .. till my secondary school ( 7th grade ) so i got a long pants uniform now . new thing and new friends. and i did well ( top 5 ) rank that year.,. fell to 10+ the following year and fall to bottom 5 by 10th grade again because i lost interest.. but only 1 subject that i scored very very high , the highest in the district or the country ( i studied in singapore btw) and that was History .. the subject that everyone hated so much.. i scored 90+, and in school to get a 70-80 for basic subject is already very good. never knew why but i always liked history since ther first day i went to school and know there is a library , i will end up reading history books. doesnt matter if its WW2/WW1 topics, local history, medieval, or ancient chinese kingdoms , etc. so everyone and myself assume. im just lazy
so i wonder if anyone is into history and always want to know why it is like that? why do people did what they did and why do things in the world we live in now is the way it is ? yes its heartbreaking to see the as truth whenever i read and most of the times i will be gloomy and sad , cant take the images or story off my head for days and weeks. i somehow can feel or to be "sane" i will say "relate" to the person in the story.
2. knew it was meant to be and harldy every regret things, because i know its they to be.. unless i feel something that isnt right and i did it or didnt do anything to stop it. i will have a bad year thinking how i could have stopped it from happening by sticking to my gut feeling.
ie. i was in a few serious relationship. 4 years, 2 years, 3 years, and 4 years .. well i always need a partner and couldnt stand without one or i go nuts :D .. but throughout all those relationship in the end we split in good terms because i knew it wasnt right. but never know why and coudlnt explain.. i then tell all my friends and family how i knew i dont want to get married, and i just dont want to be tied in knot for the rest of my life . but just when i stated that within a month i met my wife to be and we got engaged within a few weeks , married the following year . and i just knew from the first day i saw her that she is going to be my wife . that is the first time i ever felt "love at first sight" . things are not always pretty but we get through it and i know she is the one even thou she is the opposite of what ive been looking for . but now i know its for a reason. she given me many lessons in life ( indirectly ) on how to control my emotions and learn to control my urge to help everybody , and focus on my closest and love ones. my life was a mess before i met her because i always try to make everyone happy , and i ended up being the one bruised and battered ( many occasions literally ).
3. urge to leave everything behind ( not being iresponsible , in my case i couldnt go far ) and start hanging out with new friends, and most of the time i channel it to my hobby . so i start to find a new hobby, life without them will be dull and pointless for me as an individual. i;ll go crazy if i dont have a hobby. and the bad thing about getting a new hobby is i only have 2 mode switch ..crazy mode and dont care mode.. so everytime ihve a new hobby i'll be losing lots of money and time.. but the good thing is i will get to know more people and new friends.. and therefore i made it as if i have a new life.
and its also hard to maintain routines, i am always good at starting something . i opened few business that are now handled byu my friends simply because i dont want to run them. i find exitement in creating new business and learning new tricks
4. fascination with angels, it started when i started to live on my own. i bought an apartment. and homehow out of nowhere i wanted to get a tattoo and i know i wanted an angel tattoo.. so i got mine.. and that was the moment i met my wife ..
after that i suddenly got the urge out of nowhere to be baptized as a catholic , and i wanted to change my name so badly. so i did. and i make my 2nd angel tattoo .. and just a week after we found out my wive is pregnant.. we were already tried for 2 years with no succeess and we jsut give up and say let God decides for us and stop trying so hard.
we are blessed with a baby girl who i named Gabriel because i wanted to use an angelic name ( again for a reason i cant explain ), and my son is named after a saint .. because we couldnt find a suitable angelic name for him.
ive experience changes in my behaviour and lifestyle throughout time , again i dont know why but im sure its for a reason . to break apart things that are already good or to change something / someone . but i know i have to do it.. everytime i did it gives me a new insight on life. and the last changes i made has brought me to some revelation and opening up some sense taht i ignored before or try to hide because the world demands me not to ..some of them are:
- wathing news its like watching a drama with script and for a reason i know why people did that on the news, or why its happening . But wathing a kid/animal being abused or getting injured is like being stabbed in the heart and i will have tears. which i will quickly rubbed off and try to get a grip before someone notices.
- few months ago a face popped out of nowhere when i try to sleep, so real and so clear ..i jumped out of bed and in shock .
- many times before i went to sleep, i saw my room is very bright yellowish like old lamp is turned on. but on refelct i looked up notice the light is off. but when i look straight again its bright again.so ussually i will just go to my pc and work and wont bother sleeping because i know if i try i'll have another sleepless night and aching back in the morning
- whenever i go shopping alone , i always get like a panic attack. cold sweats and look confused. many times mistkenly thought i was shoplifting or attempt to shoplift because of my behaviour. but if im with a dear company i wont be like that becase i focused onmy company .
- when my kids are crying i know what they want and how they feel, i thought that was "empathy" .. and im not good with babies . i never change a diaper in my life ( yes im a bad dad )
- i know when there is an entity nearby and ussually after i get the feeling my baby will cry
- i can tell if someone i trying to cheat on a project or just simply bad news for the company, .. i had this since i can remember , i always asked my dad why he hang out with "bad" people .. and also mom.. why she want to be friend with that ugly person ( she says her friend is beautiful but i saw her ugly , i see many girls that my friend says are "hot" but i say "NOT" ) .. and i always get scoled for "making judment" on people. but in the end i always right . and most of the time they got ripped off. this makes it hard for me to make new "friends" . the friends that are close to me will always be by my side.. and some i know are "disposable" friends so i learn not to be bothered by any drama . (thanks to my wive's teaching)
- during converstaion i couldnt stare at the person eye, if i do i will be in deep trouble. running a business is not good if we always want to give in to what people want, and somehow i know what they want. back then i always have a huntch in my chest about what they "may " want . but now i see flashes / images / dejavu like experience and that makes it hard and made me look studdered . this really bothers me alot.
- ringing ear and "vertigo" for months now since i've discovered somethings wrong with me. never relate the physical and "mental" condition together but reading on many people';s experience it started to make sense.. the ringing and vertigo comes and go.. i realized i get the "vertigo" or the feeling like im on a boat on very wavy water. or on a plane on turbulance. ( no headache, no vomit, and ive check with few nerve / ear specialist they say im fine ) only when im in the office.. i know many people want to "kill" me because i always know who is cheating the company's money and i exposed all the wrong doings. so the last 2 days i learn to block and being ignorance to whatever people may think or feel and i get very little turbulance . but however as im writing this , my ear started to ring like in a plane and goes on high altitude. used to be on 1 ear but now on both.. maybe someone can relate or explain?
- started to talk about people's problem and giving them solutions, some are subconciously and i dont know why i know about their problems but i just have words in my chest that just burst out of no where . and they are shocked on how i know those stuffes when i dont even know them that well.
this is a roller coaster ride, people started talking im crazy and should go to the shrink , but somehoe my "stubborn" self knows its wrong to seek help from psyciatrist.
there are may that i can ask but that may ended up writing an entire book. im sorry for the long post but its just the exitement, joy, confusion and curiosity all bundled into one. and i cant contain it this time and this writing is the only outlet for me.
updated by @rock69th: 03/25/17 07:47:30AM