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Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

I have this intense fear of making the same mistakes and ending up alone. I'm with a great guy but he's so much older than me that I question if he's *the one* for me. I'm afraid to be alone. I feel as though I've lost all my friends and supports and I'm hundreds of miles from any blood family. I'm scared to feel alone. I feel more confident and assured when I have someone by my side. I don't know what to do... I love him as a friend. He's a great person. But I don't feel that he's the one for me. I'm just terrified of struggling in this world alone and not having a supportive person in my life. I'm afraid to let go and have no one be there and have to wait a long time to find someone who compares, or even worse, never find another. I'm scared to give up what I have for something worse (no one) in hopes that something better (than the current one) will come along, because what if he never does?

How do you know, when searching for Mr. (or Mrs.) right, if you've searched long enough? Is it better to take the chance for something better by giving up all you have? Or is it better to settle?


updated by @lotusfly: 02/12/17 08:47:25PM
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you , your such a sweet soul.   I wish I could tell you, yes, there is a fairy tale prince waiting on you out there but my life has been nothing close to a fairy tall.  When I was younger, the guys that matched my energy always turned out to be more than I can handle, the ones will a lower energy level turned out..boring and I know that's not nice for me to say.  No, I never met that one person that would dance in the rain with me.  I never met that one that understood my uncontrollable laughter.  I do believe in true, once in a lifetime kind of  love but I'm very independent and need my room to breath and some people don't get that.  That don't know how to hold on loosely.   If you give up what you have to case a dream, you may always be looking but if you settle with safety , you will always be wondering ..what if....I don't know if there is a perfect match for anyone.  I think it's a question of, is this enough for me to be happy.    Can I do this without regrets of what possibly could of been.  

Nocturne's Angel
@nocturnes-angel
last year
867 posts

I'd recommend finding ways to boost your own self esteem.

You might want to take self esteem building courses, affirmations, etc. so that you can learn how to be happy & feel complete within yourself so that you don't feel the need and/or desire to always have someone with you, around you, etc.  this way when you finally do find someone you like & wish to build a relationship with, it will be for the right reasons & not because you feel alone, lonely, incomplete, etc.

Best wishes to you <3

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

Rene':

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you , your such a sweet soul.   I wish I could tell you, yes, there is a fairy tale prince waiting on you out there but my life has been nothing close to a fairy tall.  When I was younger, the guys that matched my energy always turned out to be more than I can handle, the ones will a lower energy level turned out..boring and I know that's not nice for me to say.  No, I never met that one person that would dance in the rain with me.  I never met that one that understood my uncontrollable laughter.  I do believe in true, once in a lifetime kind of  love but I'm very independent and need my room to breath and some people don't get that.  That don't know how to hold on loosely.   If you give up what you have to case a dream, you may always be looking but if you settle with safety , you will always be wondering ..what if....I don't know if there is a perfect match for anyone.  I think it's a question of, is this enough for me to be happy.    Can I do this without regrets of what possibly could of been.  

Thank you, Rene! You are so right...it's a risk I have to take: either stay and wonder or leave and be forever searching for perfection. The problem is I have high expectations and get down on myself even, so I think I am expecting for the perfect match, which doesn't exist, because no one is perfect! 

I've looked long enough...I'm 35 and I want to have a family. He is the best one I've met by far, so I'm going to stick with him and try to make it work, rather than run, like I've done in the past. Stability, family, and someone who loves and supports me unconditionally ranks high for me at this point in my life. 

Regarding independent, me too! It's okay to be that way and in a relationship. Just set boundaries and tell them when you need your space. The right one will understand :) I'm the same way. I like the closeness on my terms :)

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

Nocturne's Angel:

I'd recommend finding ways to boost your own self esteem.

You might want to take self esteem building courses, affirmations, etc. so that you can learn how to be happy & feel complete within yourself so that you don't feel the need and/or desire to always have someone with you, around you, etc.  this way when you finally do find someone you like & wish to build a relationship with, it will be for the right reasons & not because you feel alone, lonely, incomplete, etc.

Best wishes to you <3

I see your point, but actually my self-esteem is good :) I've just been through a lot and can't survive financially on my own, and since meeting this man, who I believe I know from a past life, my health and outlook has improved. I spend time alone (I'm an introvert and enjoy my own company :) ), but being a team with this person feels great and I'm much better when my physical life is stable and secure. But, truly, thank you for your advice! I will "store" it, and it may help someone else too :)


updated by @lotusfly: 10/04/16 05:23:21PM
Nikki3
@nikler
last year
116 posts

I understand how you feel. It's not all feelings and sparks, we have decisions to make when it comes to relationships. I've been married twice and neither is my sons dad, I've put myself through the ringer and have learned a lot, not that i put it to use, i currently really like a guy who is so not good for me... sigh. I like another guy who would totally be my soul mate but he's not ready for a relationship so... what to do... my heart gets mixed up with my feelings and my intuition gets left in the dark with my logic. Maybe i don't learn ha ha ha. I guess if you have someone who treats you right and you can communicate and respect each other.... can't hope for better than that.

TigerLily
@tigerlily
last year
309 posts

Lotus, I can relate to everything you just wrote.   When you met the one, you will just know.  I never understood this until last year, when he walked into the bar it was love at first and it felt like coming home.  Needless to say I was devastated nothing more came out of it and he's now moved halfway cross country.  I have no idea if him and I will ever reconnect and live happily ever after, but he will message me back if I message him.  I don't because it's painful.  But this new guy I'm seeing is completely great and I just want to enjoy time with him.  I think you shold do the same.  When the one comes you will just "know"

Kit Kat
@kit-kat
last year
230 posts

My advice is to never settle... Romantic relationships can seem so hard! I'm actually going through a rough time in this category too right now <3 you're not alone...

But I think that when we look at love in the terms of fear or settling that we are actually less likely to attract those that are right for us. I'll be the first to admit that it's extremely hard to let go of fear, but half the battle with finding the right person, I think, is to be able to be happy on our own.

It's so hard to be happy when feeling so lonely, but some of the things that have helped me are:

-pursuing my talents/dreams

-looking for ways to uplift people around me (as empaths we are given such great gifts for doing this!) 

-getting plenty of sunlight and social interaction with good-hearted people


updated by @kit-kat: 10/10/16 10:40:25AM
LaoG
@laog
last year
137 posts

If you are scared to be alone and you want to feel supported and with someone, then you might end up doing something like draining your SO. Or not reciprocating support/love which will make them feel betrayed/insecure in the worst case. 

Also, "I'm scared to give up what I have for something worse (no one) in hopes that something better (than the current one) will come along, because what if he never does?" <--- this that you typed gave me the impression that you do not love this friend you have just being honest because. If you are not ready to be devoted to them you should not think that they are an option 2 first of all it seems very disloyal to me it seems like you are saying he is just better than nothing.

In the worst case if you do "settle" you will be tempted to betray your friend if this "one" shows up and then possibly do so and rationalize it. Your friend is your friend for a reason right. If he read this he would probably feel insulted but maybe not idk him. 

I have seen this before, a person will try to be in a relationship with someone they have platonic feelings for only, and then they are tempted to cheat or dump them and waste their time. Relationships are not about fulfilling a personal fantasy of the one in my opinion, they can be very grotesque and dark but also beautiful and the key is the will to suffer and love with someone continuously rather than to desire support. Parents are for support.


updated by @laog: 10/10/16 10:56:58PM
Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

LaoG:

If you are scared to be alone and you want to feel supported and with someone, then you might end up doing something like draining your SO. Or not reciprocating support/love which will make them feel betrayed/insecure in the worst case. 

Also, "I'm scared to give up what I have for something worse (no one) in hopes that something better (than the current one) will come along, because what if he never does?" <--- this that you typed gave me the impression that you do not love this friend you have just being honest because. If you are not ready to be devoted to them you should not think that they are an option 2 first of all it seems very disloyal to me it seems like you are saying he is just better than nothing.

In the worst case if you do "settle" you will be tempted to betray your friend if this "one" shows up and then possibly do so and rationalize it. Your friend is your friend for a reason right. If he read this he would probably feel insulted but maybe not idk him. 

I have seen this before, a person will try to be in a relationship with someone they have platonic feelings for only, and then they are tempted to cheat or dump them and waste their time. Relationships are not about fulfilling a personal fantasy of the one in my opinion, they can be very grotesque and dark but also beautiful and the key is the will to suffer and love with someone continuously rather than to desire support. Parents are for support.

Your comment is quite harsh, LaoG. Couples support one another, not just parents. 

You are right that there are dark elements to relationships. This person is my twin flame, which is why I have conflicting feelings with him sometimes, and we are working out the dark spots and healing together. The day I wrote my original post, I was questioning our relationship, which everyone does sometimes. I was showing my vulnerability by being completely honest in the moment, and you attacked at face value. Not very empathic of you.

My partner is my therapist, guru, lover, and best friend all rolled into one. We are now also expecting a child. I am very happy to be with him.

Thanks for taking your time to respond.

Blessings to you~

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

Nikki3:

I understand how you feel. It's not all feelings and sparks, we have decisions to make when it comes to relationships. I've been married twice and neither is my sons dad, I've put myself through the ringer and have learned a lot, not that i put it to use, i currently really like a guy who is so not good for me... sigh. I like another guy who would totally be my soul mate but he's not ready for a relationship so... what to do... my heart gets mixed up with my feelings and my intuition gets left in the dark with my logic. Maybe i don't learn ha ha ha. I guess if you have someone who treats you right and you can communicate and respect each other.... can't hope for better than that.

Thanks so much for sharing your similar feelings and wisdom, Nikki. I agree, and I truly hope you find the one who's right for you. Sometimes they aren't who we want but who we need. :)

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

TigerLily:

Lotus, I can relate to everything you just wrote.   When you met the one, you will just know.  I never understood this until last year, when he walked into the bar it was love at first and it felt like coming home.  Needless to say I was devastated nothing more came out of it and he's now moved halfway cross country.  I have no idea if him and I will ever reconnect and live happily ever after, but he will message me back if I message him.  I don't because it's painful.  But this new guy I'm seeing is completely great and I just want to enjoy time with him.  I think you shold do the same.  When the one comes you will just "know"

Hi Tigerlily, maybe just maybe the one you met briefly who moved far away was someone you thought was perfect for you but maybe it wasn't mutual or at least not meant to be. But also the two of you could meet once again in the future and maybe you're just not meant to be together right now... I think it's wise to spend time with the one who is near you, because clearly he wants to be with you :) Like the song goes, "love the one you're with..."

Kindest blessings~

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

Kit Kat:

My advice is to never settle... Romantic relationships can seem so hard! I'm actually going through a rough time in this category too right now <3 you're not alone...

But I think that when we look at love in the terms of fear or settling that we are actually less likely to attract those that are right for us. I'll be the first to admit that it's extremely hard to let go of fear, but half the battle with finding the right person, I think, is to be able to be happy on our own.

It's so hard to be happy when feeling so lonely, but some of the things that have helped me are:

-pursuing my talents/dreams

-looking for ways to uplift people around me (as empaths we are given such great gifts for doing this!) 

-getting plenty of sunlight and social interaction with good-hearted people

Good advice, Kit Kat. For me, or someone with high expectations for Mr. Right (which translates into Mr. Perfect or Mr. Not Right for Me), the search can be endless. I've found a Mr. Near Perfect for Me who I do love and care about a lot, so I don't believe I'm settling...just getting used to commitment :)

Thanks and kindest blessings to you! :)

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts

LaoG:

If you are scared to be alone and you want to feel supported and with someone, then you might end up doing something like draining your SO. Or not reciprocating support/love which will make them feel betrayed/insecure in the worst case. 

Also, "I'm scared to give up what I have for something worse (no one) in hopes that something better (than the current one) will come along, because what if he never does?" <--- this that you typed gave me the impression that you do not love this friend you have just being honest because. If you are not ready to be devoted to them you should not think that they are an option 2 first of all it seems very disloyal to me it seems like you are saying he is just better than nothing.

In the worst case if you do "settle" you will be tempted to betray your friend if this "one" shows up and then possibly do so and rationalize it. Your friend is your friend for a reason right. If he read this he would probably feel insulted but maybe not idk him. 

I have seen this before, a person will try to be in a relationship with someone they have platonic feelings for only, and then they are tempted to cheat or dump them and waste their time. Relationships are not about fulfilling a personal fantasy of the one in my opinion, they can be very grotesque and dark but also beautiful and the key is the will to suffer and love with someone continuously rather than to desire support. Parents are for support.

Easy now..she is asking for positive advice not negative judgement . Her wondering now may keep both of them from hurtful pain later . Im proud of any Empath that takes control of their life instead of letting someone else control it just because they are told it's the right thing to do.

I understand what you are saying but I also know how she meant it. She is a good hearted person and has given up her life , like most of us have, to make other people happy now it's her time to be happy and she just don't won't to make a mistake. I don't blame her. It's a life long commitment and that's a long time to set and wonder what might had been She just beening honest and I know that was your intintion also . I'm blunt but I know when to tone it down a little We are here to heal and spread love, any thing else makes us...THEM lol Peace

Renee
@renee
last year
137 posts

Lotusfly:

I have this intense fear of making the same mistakes and ending up alone. I'm with a great guy but he's so much older than me that I question if he's *the one* for me. I'm afraid to be alone. I feel as though I've lost all my friends and supports and I'm hundreds of miles from any blood family. I'm scared to feel alone. I feel more confident and assured when I have someone by my side. I don't know what to do... I love him as a friend. He's a great person. But I don't feel that he's the one for me. I'm just terrified of struggling in this world alone and not having a supportive person in my life. I'm afraid to let go and have no one be there and have to wait a long time to find someone who compares, or even worse, never find another. I'm scared to give up what I have for something worse (no one) in hopes that something better (than the current one) will come along, because what if he never does?

How do you know, when searching for Mr. (or Mrs.) right, if you've searched long enough? Is it better to take the chance for something better by giving up all you have? Or is it better to settle?

Im completely understanding this fear! Im with you on that and the whole questioning your ability to make the right decision, it is such a hard one! i hope your able to give yourself the time to sit with it a little, or if your able to even step away for a moment and see how you are feeling before making any huge decisions!!! much love and strength to you in this one. 

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

Renee:


Lotusfly:

I have this intense fear of making the same mistakes and ending up alone. I'm with a great guy but he's so much older than me that I question if he's *the one* for me. I'm afraid to be alone. I feel as though I've lost all my friends and supports and I'm hundreds of miles from any blood family. I'm scared to feel alone. I feel more confident and assured when I have someone by my side. I don't know what to do... I love him as a friend. He's a great person. But I don't feel that he's the one for me. I'm just terrified of struggling in this world alone and not having a supportive person in my life. I'm afraid to let go and have no one be there and have to wait a long time to find someone who compares, or even worse, never find another. I'm scared to give up what I have for something worse (no one) in hopes that something better (than the current one) will come along, because what if he never does?

How do you know, when searching for Mr. (or Mrs.) right, if you've searched long enough? Is it better to take the chance for something better by giving up all you have? Or is it better to settle?


Im completely understanding this fear! Im with you on that and the whole questioning your ability to make the right decision, it is such a hard one! i hope your able to give yourself the time to sit with it a little, or if your able to even step away for a moment and see how you are feeling before making any huge decisions!!! much love and strength to you in this one. 

Thanks, Renee. It IS a hard decision whether to spend the rest of your life with someone. It's really a matter of weighing the pros and cons, and this person has very few cons, in my opinion! Decided he's a keeper :)

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