Empaths & Divorce

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Gem
@gem
last year
220 posts
I've always been connected to spirit and had that faith. I only realised I was an Empath during my awakening following a lot of trauma in my marriage 18months ago. However I diligently went to counselling to try to recover from my husbands porn addiction. At first it felt he was genuinely in recovery. I opened up to him again..then things felt wrong. My intuition was screaming via recurring dreams, a knowing, you all know how it goes.
When someone repeatedly tells you that your instincts are wrong..then cries because 'he feels so bad he caused you this trauma you can't get over' you begin to doubt yourself and your sanity.
Well my instincts have been proven right. He's been lying since around Feb. Its hard when one side if them seems/feels warm, caring, funny etc but then you see all the sordid & twisted dark side that is devoid of all feeling.
Our 3yr old see's him as often as prior to kicking him out but keeps saying 'daddy's gone' 'I've lost daddy' he panics within minutes of him leaving for work after seeing him. He feels everything. I always knew little one had taken after me with all he feels & I don't know what to do. I can't explain adult things to him. No amount of explaining daddy will see you tomorrow helps because that's not what he means and I know that.
I'm now having sever panic attacks (luckily little one hasn't witnessed them) but he sure as hell will feel it.
How the hell do I get my Empath 3yr old & myself through this mess?
I've smudged us & the house. I've asked our angles, teachers,spirits & guides to surround us & protect us. I've carried out Soul Realignment work on both of us, I've cleared us. What more can I do?
Sorry for the rant and for those of you who may feel the pain reading this.
updated by @gem: 02/09/17 09:21:51AM
Cat Whisperer
@cat-whisperer
last year
728 posts

Oh Gem, I feel so bad you have to endure this kind of thing. I know how it is to live with someone that is so..two faced. I don't know why these types cannot understand that we can tell dishonesty a mile away and just at least be honest and not try to convince that you are crazy. It sounds like your son is pretty attached to him, which does make this all the harder to deal with. Not sure how to tell you to approach this one, but just wanted to let you know I understand your pain...but remember, you and your son will get through this. It's sounds like you have got all your spirtual entities working with you. You are not alone in this, just let your intuition be your guide.

Gem
@gem
last year
220 posts

Hi Cat, in today's society it may sound silly all this over porn. It's not 'top shelf' or 'now & again' it's been full blown addiction and I've seen things I never wanted to see (especially given I myself was interfered with as a kid) he's not accessed anything illegal but seeing years worth of history last year...and the progression of 'tastes' 'genre's' sent me into breakdown. 

The lies are the worst part really. I don't understand how I've ended up with someone so duplicitous. I always put it down to his /our stress over his NARC parents until what I found last year. 

Its so unhealthy to live with such lies and the fear of escalation not to mention I feel I've had my sexuality stolen. I don't/can't imagine ever trusting a future man with being 'consciously intimate' to tell the truth, upfront about any issues like that. 

I was on the up, working on setting up my own business and now I'm totally floored. 

Thanks for your kind words x 

Cat Whisperer
@cat-whisperer
last year
728 posts
  • "All this over porn"...if it bothers you and disrupts your life it is a big deal. Yes, the lying is the hard part. Regardless of what the offense is, it comes down to trust and feeling deceived... Which someone that really loves you should not do. But it happens so often. There are very few people in this world that are truthful...especially when it comes to their inner demons. Most people lie to themselves on a regular basis in denial of facing those demons. 
Gem
@gem
last year
220 posts

Thanks for the validation, I think all the crazymaking I've gone through with him has made me feel nuts & doubt myself so much. 

I'm scared for the times ahead what with feeling things so deeply. You are right though I've got to trust in my intuition.. Its been proven right every time! I know me our child and my eldest are worth so much more than this! X 

Cat Whisperer
@cat-whisperer
last year
728 posts

Don't ever doubt yourself. The crazy making is a way to get the spotlight off of the wrongdoer and back to you so they can "blame" someone instead of looking at themselves. Kinda like sticking their head in the sand. You cannot fix that kind of behavior no matter how hard you try.

Yes, you and your children deserve better. Venturing into the unknown is always scary...but you will wind up in a better...and more sane place in the end. In the future, when you look back you will be glad you got out. I know I am when I look back at all the times I had to jump out of the pan into the fire.

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts

Dear Gem, so sorry for your pain.  I know they call porn an addiction but to me, it's much more. It's degrading.  A lot of people thinks it's fine, I think it's sickening.   And I really don't care who agrees with me or not.   Why do , we as an society, need porn?   I think it's one of the many things we could do without. Just like drug, alcohol and gambling,  they all cause pain but no one who enjoys them seems to care or sees the innocent victims and the aftermath they caused.   I would say I hate him and his kind but I would be hypercritical because my son is a recovering drug addict and I love him and know he can relaps at anytime. But I would like to poke his eyes out so he could no longer be able to watch it and realize the pain he is causing you and your son.

Mans believe me when I say this, You was good  enough!   You didn't do anything wrong,  you were who you was supposed to be, he wasn't.    Stop blaming yourself because this was out of your control from the begaining.   You daddy not take daddy away, daddy took daddy away from his wife and son.   I will be praying for you and your baby boy.  I feel your pain and I see how unbearable it is.    Stay grounded and don't forget to love yourself.  

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

I'm so sorry, Gem. I feel for you and I'm praying for you. Things will get better. I'm sure of it. Keep your head held high for your children and eventually things will smooth out and make more sense. In time, you will have a better perspective. For now, focus on healing and the things in your life that you want. Let go of the rest. :) Blessings~

Gem
@gem
last year
220 posts

SANDRA FERNANDEZ:

HI GEM: I DO FEEL YOUR PAIN,AND EVERYTIME MEN WATCH PORN TO "GET IN THE MOOD",ITS LIKE WE ARE NOT ENOUGH TO DO THAT SO WE FEEL INSECURE,AND MANY OTHER FEELINGS,ALSO WHEN THEY CHEAT AND ASK FOR A SECOND CHANCE,WHY A SECOND CHANCE? THEY HAD THEIR CHANCE WHEN THEY MARRIED OR LIVED WITH US AND WE STUPIDLY TRUSTED THEM,I SO HATE TO BE BETRAYED,THAT I AFTER 9 YEARS OF BEING PUT DOWN AND HUMILLIATED,THAT WAS THE LIMIT I COULD BEAR,SO I GOT DIVORCED,MY DAUGHTER WAS 5,AND I LIVED IN USA,AND CAME BACK TO LIVE IN MY COUNTRY MEXICO,THERE HAS NOT BEING ONE SECOND IN 21 YEARS,THAT I HAVE REGRETED DIVORCING HIM,IS NOT EASY AND THE FIRST YEAR IS THE WORSE,BUT AT LEAST YOU GET RIDD OF ALL THE PAIN HE CAUSES YOU ALL THE TIME,I RATHER BEING ALONE,I SEND YOU LOVE AND LIGHT SO YOU CAN ASK YOUR GUIDES TO HELP YOU WITH THE ATTACHMENT YOUR SON HAS WITH HIS FATHER,ALL MEN ARE LIARS,BELIEVE ME....OH ONE THING I DIDNT UNDERSTAND,YOU ARE SAYING YOU FOUND OUT NOT LONG AGO OF HIS "NARC" PARENTS,AND I DONT KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN,SOMETIMES IS DIFFICULT FOR ME WITH SOME WORDS,CAN YOU TELL ME PLEASE?,MUCH LOVE TO YOU AND THE LITTLE ONE.....SANDRA Happy

Hi Sandra, 

Thanks for your kind response. NARC is short for narcissists. Both his parents have this (undiagnosed) personality disorder. My husband felt very neglected growing up and was the scapegoat child whereas his brother was the golden child. I think knowing all this is why after the horrific discoveries I made last year I tried to forgive & make things work. 

Also though my husband hurt himself last year when I first found out. This caused me to try to fix things before I actually felt ready to. I was still in a place of deep shock. 

My husband never used porn to get in the mood for being with me. Its been a completely separate thing to him. Apart from when its inevitably crept into his intimacy with me & I ended up being treated like a blow up doll..

Thanks for your prayers, I need them. X 

Gem
@gem
last year
220 posts

Rene':

Dear Gem, so sorry for your pain.  I know they call porn an addiction but to me, it's much more. It's degrading.  A lot of people thinks it's fine, I think it's sickening.   And I really don't care who agrees with me or not.   Why do , we as an society, need porn?   I think it's one of the many things we could do without. Just like drug, alcohol and gambling,  they all cause pain but no one who enjoys them seems to care or sees the innocent victims and the aftermath they caused.   I would say I hate him and his kind but I would be hypercritical because my son is a recovering drug addict and I love him and know he can relaps at anytime. But I would like to poke his eyes out so he could no longer be able to watch it and realize the pain he is causing you and your son.

Mans believe me when I say this, You was good  enough!   You didn't do anything wrong,  you were who you was supposed to be, he wasn't.    Stop blaming yourself because this was out of your control from the begaining.   You daddy not take daddy away, daddy took daddy away from his wife and son.   I will be praying for you and your baby boy.  I feel your pain and I see how unbearable it is.    Stay grounded and don't forget to love yourself.  

Rene. I feel murderous honestly but then I swing into deep despair. This all kicked off again (me finding out) a month ago. I've got myself a trauma specialist who says I have PTSD due to it retraumatising me from last time plus reopening my trauma from being interfered with as a 12yr old by a pool attendant. 

My eldest (19) is also a recovering drug addict. He ended up with psychosis caused by those legal high drugs. This has caused his voices to start screaming and urges to use, but I'm proud of him for coning to me and being honest and getting help....something his step dad (my husband) never did. I pray for continued sobriety for your son. 

It is awful & those women in those films are broken/abused women who often end up needing medical treatment. He also accessed chat features but apparently this is something he knows nothing about...a ghost must have put it there eh! Either that or he's so ill he genuinely blanks out during some of his behaviour? 

I gave my whole authentic self to this man. I feel so incredibly stupid and like I'll never trust anyone again. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to be intimate with anyone again! I have so much love to give its such a shame. X

Gem
@gem
last year
220 posts

Lotusfly & Cat, thank you both. I actually remember you both being supportive when I first came here 18 months ago in the aftermath of last time (except I never mentioned what the issues had been). 

I know its going to take a lot of time. I know how dirty his parents can play to (from how they were with his ex who he has 2kids with). It's going to be a really crappy few years isn't it :( 

Hopefully my trauma specialist will help me unravel the nice mask of his and this other side so o don't get reeled in again by him like last time. X 

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts

Gem: I've always been connected to spirit and had that faith. I only realised I was an Empath during my awakening following a lot of trauma in my marriage 18months ago. However I diligently went to counselling to try to recover from my husbands porn addiction. At first it felt he was genuinely in recovery. I opened up to him again..then things felt wrong. My intuition was screaming via recurring dreams, a knowing, you all know how it goes. When someone repeatedly tells you that your instincts are wrong..then cries because 'he feels so bad he caused you this trauma you can't get over' you begin to doubt yourself and your sanity. Well my instincts have been proven right. He's been lying since around Feb. Its hard when one side if them seems/feels warm, caring, funny etc but then you see all the sordid & twisted dark side that is devoid of all feeling. Our 3yr old see's him as often as prior to kicking him out but keeps saying 'daddy's gone' 'I've lost daddy' he panics within minutes of him leaving for work after seeing him. He feels everything. I always knew little one had taken after me with all he feels & I don't know what to do. I can't explain adult things to him. No amount of explaining daddy will see you tomorrow helps because that's not what he means and I know that. I'm now having sever panic attacks (luckily little one hasn't witnessed them) but he sure as hell will feel it. How the hell do I get my Empath 3yr old & myself through this mess? I've smudged us & the house. I've asked our angles, teachers,spirits & guides to surround us & protect us. I've carried out Soul Realignment work on both of us, I've cleared us. What more can I do? Sorry for the rant and for those of you who may feel the pain reading this.

While you was still living with your husband and other than your instinct , did your ever see and shadows in the home?   Dark or black shadows moving around the house, maybe at night?   Maybe something out of the corner of your eyes but you ignored thinking it was nothing ?

I smug my house also but it seems to me, and after some research, smudging is like a lock on your door. A lock keeps only the honest criminals out and sometimes smudging only remove the less aggressive spirits.  I have heard that some spirits  and or entities can be stubborn.    

I have a friend who's husband is addicted to porn, gambling and cheating on her.  She has seen the shadows on her wall moving though the house and she is very religious and prays hard for him to stop.  He is also a violent narcissist and she is afraid to leave him.  I know, that sounds strange in the day and time but she is scared of him.  Personally, no one can keep me anywhere I don't won't to be.  I would put the fear of God and the universe up the side of his head with a ball bat but she isn't as fisty as me. 

As much as I would like to think people with these problems like your husband and my friend husband have,   something evil or low energy has either attached or has entered their body and is in control ,  I think sometimes  they are just bad seeds.   

My friends husband has befriended his demons and doesn't  won't them to leave.  It's become a game to keep secrets, lies, infidelity (I consider porn watching a secret infidelity but that's just me)  gamble.  she has notice is he's not gambling he is cheating and if he's not doing them two he's watching porn.  He will not pull away from that thrill for anyone or any thing.  She tells me she has put it in Gods hands and he will take care of it.  I tell her God has taken care of it,  He has...he put  Louisville Sluggers bats on sale at Walmart.   In prayer, when you ask God or your higher power or powers to "fix" a situation, that don't mean your going to like the fix,  just that the doors of opportunity will open,  He/they seldom pushes you though.    

Gem
@gem
last year
220 posts

Rene':


Gem: I've always been connected to spirit and had that faith. I only realised I was an Empath during my awakening following a lot of trauma in my marriage 18months ago. However I diligently went to counselling to try to recover from my husbands porn addiction. At first it felt he was genuinely in recovery. I opened up to him again..then things felt wrong. My intuition was screaming via recurring dreams, a knowing, you all know how it goes. When someone repeatedly tells you that your instincts are wrong..then cries because 'he feels so bad he caused you this trauma you can't get over' you begin to doubt yourself and your sanity. Well my instincts have been proven right. He's been lying since around Feb. Its hard when one side if them seems/feels warm, caring, funny etc but then you see all the sordid & twisted dark side that is devoid of all feeling. Our 3yr old see's him as often as prior to kicking him out but keeps saying 'daddy's gone' 'I've lost daddy' he panics within minutes of him leaving for work after seeing him. He feels everything. I always knew little one had taken after me with all he feels & I don't know what to do. I can't explain adult things to him. No amount of explaining daddy will see you tomorrow helps because that's not what he means and I know that. I'm now having sever panic attacks (luckily little one hasn't witnessed them) but he sure as hell will feel it. How the hell do I get my Empath 3yr old & myself through this mess? I've smudged us & the house. I've asked our angles, teachers,spirits & guides to surround us & protect us. I've carried out Soul Realignment work on both of us, I've cleared us. What more can I do? Sorry for the rant and for those of you who may feel the pain reading this.

While you was still living with your husband and other than your instinct , did your ever see and shadows in the home?   Dark or black shadows moving around the house, maybe at night?   Maybe something out of the corner of your eyes but you ignored thinking it was nothing ?

I smug my house also but it seems to me, and after some research, smudging is like a lock on your door. A lock keeps only the honest criminals out and sometimes smudging only remove the less aggressive spirits.  I have heard that some spirits  and or entities can be stubborn.    

I have a friend who's husband is addicted to porn, gambling and cheating on her.  She has seen the shadows on her wall moving though the house and she is very religious and prays hard for him to stop.  He is also a violent narcissist and she is afraid to leave him.  I know, that sounds strange in the day and time but she is scared of him.  Personally, no one can keep me anywhere I don't won't to be.  I would put the fear of God and the universe up the side of his head with a ball bat but she isn't as fisty as me. 

As much as I would like to think people with these problems like your husband and my friend husband have,   something evil or low energy has either attached or has entered their body and is in control ,  I think sometimes  they are just bad seeds.   

My friends husband has befriended his demons and doesn't  won't them to leave.  It's become a game to keep secrets, lies, infidelity (I consider porn watching a secret infidelity but that's just me)  gamble.  she has notice is he's not gambling he is cheating and if he's not doing them two he's watching porn.  He will not pull away from that thrill for anyone or any thing.  She tells me she has put it in Gods hands and he will take care of it.  I tell her God has taken care of it,  He has...he put  Louisville Sluggers bats on sale at Walmart.   In prayer, when you ask God or your higher power or powers to "fix" a situation, that don't mean your going to like the fix,  just that the doors of opportunity will open,  He/they seldom pushes you though.    

Hi Rene, 

I'd often wake in the night (husband was a sleep talker) I'd wake feeling he was being unfaithful then not be able to get back to sleep. I've not been on here a day or two because I had a huge panic attack and actually passed out at my therapy session. It's weird but since then I feel I've moved from anger/rage to deep grief & I can't stop crying..I'm crying now.

He asked for a Soul Realignment reading but I told him I didn't feel able to do his. I did my own & my boys but didn't feel able to be grounded enough to do his (plus he's never professed to believe in spiritual matters much so I was dubious). 

Anyway the lady who did it, delivered his reading yesterday & it was spot on right down to his controlling parents & damage they caused him. Apparently he's travelling to negative astrals both at night & in the day which accounts for his zoning out so often. He had a negative guide running a program of despair. Lots of negative stuff which has all been cleared but as all of us here know...clearing is only part of it...new conscious choices have to be made. 

I don't know if I'm supposed to help him, leave him or what. I don't feel I can trust him ever again - yet this reading confirmed things I suspected. My therapist actually called me an empath which surprised me (her being a traditionally trained trauma specialist) she keeps identifying emotional transference where I'm processing emotions that should be his. She calls me a 'rescuer'. 

You know I thought I had my Empath skills under control, seems I did with most everyone but him. I suppose that's common in husband & wife relationships. I think I need to start cutting cords more regularly. 

Blessings 

Gem x 

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts

I didn't realize you two were living togeather still.  I have to ask , without going back and reading because I have a huge headache, is your husband a narcissist or is the porn addiction the only major problem with his personality, if I may ask.   And also, have you seen any shadow people in your house?  

Gem
@gem
last year
220 posts

Rene':

I didn't realize you two were living togeather still.  I have to ask , without going back and reading because I have a huge headache, is your husband a narcissist or is the porn addiction the only major problem with his personality, if I may ask.   And also, have you seen any shadow people in your house?  

Hi Rene, 

We aren't living together now, I asked him to leave just over a month ago. I first discovered the addiction 18months ago (I found two years worth of 'search terms' videos, sites etc including dates & times even the night before our wedding which I've never gotten over). After separating for a few months after that discovery & us both going to counselling, I think we was in genuine recovery for a while but then things were 'off' again and my instincts were telling me he was doing it all again. However when I'd ask he'd act upset that I would think that... He'd say he's just tired or had a hard day at work etc. I started thinking it was me who was crazy. I now know he's been lying since Feb at least. 

His parents are narcissistic & my counselor has wondered whether my husband is...I'm not sure if he is I just know his parents are & my husband had been badly affected by their hostility, neglect & random control whilst growing up. 

I've not noticed shadows in my vision. I have felt a lot of darkness & what I'd describe as a 'hollowness' a void type feeling. My husband 'zones out' a lot, always has I always put it down to a quirk. He has a lot of trauma that needs releasing I think. He's suppressed an awful lot but I can't let his addiction destroy me in the process. Its almost like he has an 'alter ego' the things I've found, his usernames on these sites, its not the man I married, not the man I thought I knew. X

Renee
@renee
last year
137 posts

Hi @gem I am so so sorry to hear of the pain you and your child are going through and just really want you to know you are most definitely not alone... I haven't had a chance to read through all the responses above, but just wanted to respond to the original post. I too have experienced a similar thing, my (now ex) partner and i separated 2yrs ago now, he is undiagnosed bi-polar or personality disorder however experienced a sever episode with delusions and psychosis during which myself and our children became the centre of. So I completely understand where you are coming from with regards to doubting yourself and your intuition and the desire to believe them as i did a similar thing and am still trying to recover and build my confidence back up. However what i wanted to share, and this may not be right for everyone so if it doesn't resonate with you feel free to disregard, is I walked with 5 kids, (then) ages 1, 2(now know him to be an empath),3, 9(empath), 13(empath), each of my kids has experienced different aspects of the separation, both the effects from their father and from me, however, they have all seen me have extremely severe panic attacks and literally breaking down (and i do mean the whole thing - on the floor crying convulsions unable to move etc). I know so so many parents who try to hide this side from their children for fear of damaging them more, however from my experience it has opened the door for increased communication regarding how we are feeling and how to manage that. My 1 (she's now 3), 2(now 4) year olds now know we must have quiet time outside in nature to make us feel better, they know they feel a huge sense of sadness and grief and that its ok to cry even if they don't know what they are crying about, they know when we get upset we need to stop and take deep breaths and feel our bellies. My 3 (now 5yr old) has suffered tremendously and now has quite bad anger issues, however knows what things he needs to do to "fill his bucket up" , he now knows we do yoga every night to quiet our mind, he now knows that if he gets really angry we can go do boxing on the bag, he can now identify where in his body he is feeling different emotions and associates them with colours to understand them. My 9 (now 11) knows she must have "health and wellbeing mornings" as we tell the school every now and again, mornings at the beach to scream, cry, talk to her father (he is no longer allowed to see any of them and hasn't done in 12 mnths) or remember good memories of him, she now has a good grasp on mental health issues and all the things above that the other kids have, she also knows that as a woman we do not have to just put on a smile and keep it all together, sometimes we will break and thats ok too... The oldest one (now 15) also has a whole toolbox of strategies to help him as well...... what I'm trying to say is, take deep breaths and allow yourself to feel that whole spectrum of emotion and don't to so afraid to allow your son to see it (maybe not the most intense parts) but allow hims to see that sometimes emotions just suck and are painful and hurt. But that other times we can still experience happiness, love joy excitement as well. He will be ok as long as him mumma is ok. And there are so so many opportunities for growth and learning throughout this period that will also assist you in healing too. As you teach him he will teach you. I also remind myself that we all chose to be here, together at this time to have these experiences. Just as your child has chosen to be with you. YEs he is only 3, but he agreed to his sacred contracts just as you agreed to yours and together you will both fulfil them. take lots of deep breaths and just go one step at a time.... much love and strength to you as you move through this tumultuous journey xxx 

water_lily
@water-lily
last year
90 posts

Hi Gem,

As a empathic child (now adult) whose parents had a very bad relationship and eventually separated and got back together repeatedly and finally culminating in divorce (there was abuse (physical, emotional, and verbal) and some associated PTSD from the other parent), I can say that my parent's approach for my sibling and I was not good, and was about the exact opposite of what @renee said. I think that encouraging me to feel all the feelings rather than telling me that my crying or any sign of anger was me "being bad" and I was "too sensitive" and "just trying to get attention," would have been helpful. I mean, I was in preschool not an angry teenager. I'm okay now, but in retrospect, I think it would have been really helpful for someone to let me know it was okay to feel. Also, in my experience as a fairly sensitive child, dealing with the effects of the abuse on the abused parent was, many times, a lot worse than being around the abuse to begin with. Please remind yourself of that when your 3 yr old cries about daddy leaving. In the end, he will benefit by having a mommy who is actually able to be there for him emotionally when he needs her.  

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