... and they seems to fall when you need them most at one certain point even if you fail to realize on the moment. They try to help you and you might refuse, then you try to help them and they might refuse. Then you come to understand each other better, then everything goes nicely, then fights again, then everything gets ok again and no matter what happens, no matter how many times you feel like you've found an old friend an you keep going back at it, the experience is both meant to bring happiness and absolute sadness.
So I met this person online practically speaking (not dating sites... on a more complex game, and it was pretty funny actually) and yet we were so happy when we met/started talking it's as if we knew each other from long ago. We never articulated it this way, and yet I learned over time we both shared this feeling for some reason or another. In fact at first it wasn't even serious, especially from his part, and i wondered if i was the only one feeling so strange about this (I did not quite like it at first, actually). Eventually we became closer, and I think the link with this person helped me realize a lot of things about myself, even though truth be told I was pretty resistant towards it in a way, blame my ego, or both egos, if it should so be said, because it was the other way around as well. He said things he did not believe in kind of like "mantras" (well he tried to do them but) and I apparently was "blind" towards the obvious things that I already knew and I did not act.
The problem is how we keep fighting, and how much I regret these things and they hurt, even though we never met (yet) in reality. And at the same time we are so close, that we say same things at the same time, shared common views/or root values on certain things... sometimes i can correctly know what goes through his mind. This is how clear it gets, and yet I have a feeling, that while he knows his own instinct is good, he had no idea about the depth of these things and how rare they are or to find someone like this. It's like a knife through my heart every damn time misunderstandings occur (it's like it's doomed to happen) and all i wish for is understanding, maybe from my part as well. I cannot get why I am, for example, continuing this, and yet, in reality, breaking the link with this person would probably tear me down. At first, it felt like i wanted to go away but I wasn't let... it is the weirdest thing ever, and I reached a point where i don't understand anymore what and why, why it feels like "we shouldn't even talk anymore" and yet at the same time a completely different thing goes inside. It's like the words become empty or just worsen it, or simply express what we are "taught" to say or believe in a certain way while our behavior does the opposite... and yet this was our only way of speaking, writing, except skype, of course. Well...
I don't know what I should do except knowing that I shouldn't just... let go, especially since when i should have in the beginning the message about "please no" was so... ufff, how to say :/
It's hard describing these things, and we are both young and talking about ourselves or our lives even though we reduced the personal context and kept it to the game more than not (we still ended up talking a lot, sometimes for 6 hours straight). It's so hard and I gave so much energy and time to this, and apparently he "volunteered" to help when he could, that I keep wondering what was everything for if in the end it's about not talking anymore because of the most stupid fights ever. And then I remember how different it would have been and it is when people can see or touch each other and blame this.
I met one of my best friends on a forum about horses... we were both passionated about them and about drawing, painting, and many other subjects; and we've been in touch for 8 years, and met each other so many times and told all about ourselves and our fears or thoughts, even thought we were from different parts of the country (our paths still crossed as we both went to universities in the capital). So I know it's possible, and I am so happy i did it so i can tell others ^^ But this one was a piece of cake, no struggle no tears and it felt just right, we never doubted we have to be friends or talk, hen again,we shared common interests, were both open to the idea, were younger and not judgmental... Second time was about someone whom literary works and creations i very much enjoyed, and only after months i found out we were from the same city...
With this person right now, it's so hard. And yet, it's rewarding. It's like everything becomes better when it goes ok with them.
So I am asking you, have you went through similar experiences? have you met people whom you just knew you can trust? Did you turn the thoughts realm and instinct into material reality/friendship?
updated by @kate: 09/02/18 07:40:05AM