thinking more about the wellbeing of others more than myself?

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h1234
@h1234
last year
49 posts

I realised I think more of others well being than of myself sometimes.

In fact, I can't turn of the empathy that I have because helping or being thoughtful towards others makes me feel like I have value.

My father and I had a conversation this morning, he said don't rely on anyone, don't let people control you, i'm in control of my life, basically, I think about me attitude, well in comparison to all three of my family members, i'm the most selfless of the lot. I'm also a christian, that doesn't mean I become a doormat, but it means i feel unfullfied running after others and not meeting my needs.

I want a relationship and kids, but i feel guilty for desiring that, i feel people will say no you cant have that dream, i want to fulfill my wants, hopes and dreams. I pray god will lead me to the man of my dreams.


updated by @h1234: 03/10/17 03:38:31PM
TigerLily
@tigerlily
last year
308 posts

I'm the same way, I put others before myself. I have always felt guilty for putting my needs first. We actually feel others pain and joy and everything else. After going to reiki, chakra balance, and seeing a psychic. All have told me to stop this. :)

Moon Lily
@moon-lily
last year
6 posts
It is easy for others to tell us to stop. But but so easy to implement.Let me reframe this in a way that might be Heidi. We must refuel or energy and our love or we may have nothing left to give.As empaths, we give so much of ourselves. We can take joy in helping others. Self care is so important. Try to think of these activities as recharging, refueling, etc.It's funny how we respond to others and cone face to face with our words. Self care is a struggle for me. I take care of an ill husband and find no time for myself.Again so easy to say. I pray that you will find peace in caring for yourself.Moonlily
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
No, you being a Christian does not make you a doormat , being a Empath does. Lol. I'm the same way. From the time I get up to the time I go to bed , I'm constantly either running abound helping people or giving them a shoulder to cry on.I have gotten better , I started by stop answering the phone calls or text everyday. I feel like a therapist working for free. I do feel guilty by not answering people but I have to have time to recharge and I love my space from people. Think of it like I do. If you didn't exist, The would find a way to survive without you. They would have to actually take charge of their own life.
h1234
@h1234
last year
49 posts

iI wonder if the reason I don't have a boyfriend is because, I put others first and neglect my love needs, I give my love to every friend child, family member and not to myself

TigerLily
@tigerlily
last year
308 posts

Maybe that's why I'm single too! This year I've put the most effort into me, and I've actually had more dates but no relationship, ugh. I lost a few friends this year as well because I put my needs first, not theirs.

h1234
@h1234
last year
49 posts

Ive done a lot of healing work on myself , i too like Tiger cut off friends for being users, abusers manipulative, learning to be selfish and sticking with friends who i love and appreciate me. I have some friends who never pressure me if i can't do something. they respect my boundaries. I've just got my heart broken over a bipolar potential boyfriend, i miss his craziness and their is a sadness but deep down he is so wrong for me, id rather be alone, back to being single. i don't think god wants me at almost 38 to have a husband or kids. i work with kids but its not the same, i want my own but can't find a decent man

TigerLily
@tigerlily
last year
308 posts
Wow, we both sound alike!! Same age, want the same things. Message me if you ever want to talk :)
h1234
@h1234
last year
49 posts

Hi Tiger, up late as its hot here tonight, researching bipolar issues, yes we are identical:) like you been on countless dates but none sticks around:) go to bed and cry alone. none to hold, kiss or hug at night, I'm up again overthinking wondering why life can be cruel, ill message you definitely x

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
I think it beautiful how Empaths goes above and beyond the normal to help and show love to others but I think we do naglete ourselves because we are so busy making everyone else happy that we do let ourself go too much. We forget our own needs. Sometimes people dont won't us to advance because they are afraid to loose our love and help. Just myself, if I come down with the flu it's going to directly affect about 10 people's lives. They would probably lay down and die. Lol. We take on too much responsibility and emotions sometimes and we wonder why we are so tired.My advice is slowly pull away while your still young and try to start your own life.My sister is a beautiful person that had a addiction but kicked it, survived a horrible marriage and divorce. Never had a child but took on a step son when he was 8 and raised him after divorcing his father then loosing him to an auto accident at the age 27. Now...she is in church, she's constantly running around taking clothes donations for the homeless. Finding food for the homeless then find homeless people to give it all to. She also works at a woman shelter in her spare time. She has a full time job and after doing all of this, she comes get me granddaughter for a night on the weekends to give me a break. She is 56 years old. I told her, slow down, your killing yourself. She said I can't because when I do I get so lonly...,sad but true story.
wiseriverowl
@wiseriverowl
last year
32 posts

h1234, I use to be Christian, and I always felt that people would use me for there own means. but as I got older I had a striking realization. People wanted to be near my light, I'm not saying spiritually. In General, I've been told I have a yellow ora. I still to this day have no Idea what that even means.. when I left my beliefs behind, I felt scared and empty.. it was all I knew from a very young age. But I noticed a difference in the way people treated me. I think I pushed my feelings to them. Making people angry at me for what ever reason. I went through a very bad time, but I still would look after my external family. even if they treated me like garbage I would still try and help them. God can only do so much we have to move in the direction he sends us to obtain the grater things in life.

Wiseriverowl

Hope, Love and Light        

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

I suggest writing down the qualities that you want in a man and praying for the man to come into your life. Sooner or later he will. :) 

Like others have suggested, work on you and do things you enjoy. When you're ready, you will meet the person you are meant to be with. :)

TigerLily
@tigerlily
last year
308 posts

H1234, never give up on hope and what you want.  It's why I go on countless dates and get frustrated.  I agree that writing down everything you want.  I did this year's ago but fail to look at it more often.  To read it, vision him, and senD out that love.  Someone once told me that I was choosing to be single and what I want doesn't exist.  That hurt, but I'm not going to settle.  I don't know about anyone else, but when I look at couples I can feel the love between 2 people or one who is so in love with the other and it's not reciprocated.  People settle, and well it ends in divorce.  Don't give up, and we are here to listen and cry to.  Shhot, I did that tonight!  :)

Alison
@alison
last year
71 posts

Have you heard of family systems theory?  It suggests people occupy roles within dysfunctional families  ... and it doesn't take much to be a dysfunctional family  Roles include caretaker, scapegoat, clown and hero.  We kind of morph into these roles and they become rigid.  They are a way of getting our needs met and gaining self esteem but not in a healthy way.  We get positive feedback for playing our role not for who we are.  We need to work to stop playing these roles and move towards self acceptance for who we are not what we do.

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
last year
783 posts

Hi ....I know exactly what you mean Alison. ...my role in my family is to be none existent. ...seen but not heard.....if I say something at a family gathering I get cold looks and raised eye brows....or just ignored....it got to the point where I was both annoyed at my ex and grateful for him being there to run interference for me....the feelings I get within my family unit made me hide behind my ex...my family LOVE my ex...and would ask him questions and ignore me....and I kept quiet because that was expected of me....now my ex is no longer there so they have to acknowledge me I some way....but it makes me wonder if found a new love would that scenerio continue....I haven't found a guy either.....I would like to of course but i'm also very cautious...and to be quite frank I haven't been looking all that hard...as my gifts are quite strong and I can't abide the dating rules and regulations....lol...I think those are so fake.....lol...to me the dating thing is like lying...and there seems to be so many dumb rules...

Mike Simpson-Rogers
@mike-simpson-rogers
last year
9 posts

Im always helping others too.  Dec 14 2014 my father in law passed.  I helped clean him, give meds, then at 4:40 am on that day I checked him he was gone.  I did everything as did my husband to help him.  That was hard for me because I could feel his pain.  So I tried to hurry things up so I could goto my RV.

Rosie333
@rosie333
last year
20 posts

Dear @h1234,

Please don't change, you are a beautiful soul with so many gifts to bring to this world! To love others more than self reminds me of the Buddhist tradition "cherish others, not self' and then the Christian tradition, "love thy neighbour as thyself'' These fundamental ways of being are not easily accomplished in a world that stresses 'self, first'. Granted this way of being requires a LARGE input of energy, requiring time out, reflection and nurturing, when your energy becomes depleted. Nurturing others, is a talent- just as the best physicists can come up with mathematical equations to describe the universe, care of others is a skill  like physics, love is another way of defining the universe.

In terms of trusting others, not being a 'doormat' and not letting others control you, I say

trust others as much as possible as it feels wonderful to know that someone thinks of you as being trustworthy, and by showing trust it becomes a great motivator for them to become ever more trustworthy. "I trust you' becomes another way of saying 'I believe in you"On being a 'doormat', I would venture to suggest to 'pick your battles,' confrontation is not the only way.In terms of control I feel some people experience a type of 'fear' and feel they need to have some type of control over situations or people and find it very difficult to give up this fear. This does,t mean you should let others take over your life, it only means that you have an understanding of where they are coming from.

I agree with @cbxjohn, focus on your own and other's energy and put your order in to Universal source energy. What you want for others. love , companionship. family is automatically the same as what you want and wish for yourself. At the right time your dreams will manifest.

Love and light, and a great mew relationship for you!

R

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