Attracting suffering people

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h1234
@h1234
last year
49 posts

Ive noticed that all or most of my friendships consist of people with mental health issues, bipolar, aspergers, dyslexia, CFS, Fiberomagia,

I even found out my date this weekend had bipolar, why does God put these types of people in my life, what happened to a normal stable relationship, calm, not too manic?? I'm very kind hearted and try not judge and i think others take advantage of my compassion, my needs aren't listened to or met.

How can i improve myself and attract healthy others?

and other illnesses.


updated by @h1234: 01/08/17 11:25:51PM
4peace
@4peace
last year
187 posts

h1234,

When you are an empath, people are attracted to you, especially people who are hurting. I feel like these "messed up" people are way more interesting than the people who are not :) I'm blessed to have so many friends who are just as flaky as I am :) I just kind of embrace this about myself and thank God that I'm allowed to help others.

In love and light,

4peace

Ecila
@ecila
last year
898 posts

There are unconscious and subtle signals between people. It can make a compassionate person prey for some dangerous types so it is so good that you are aware of what's going on. (Not saying fibromyalgia, CFS, or dyslexia folks are dangerous but some mental disorders can be). They are interesting as friends but don't make good marriage partners, at least not the potentially dangerous ones. It seems like there are also just a lot of people needing help these days. There's a lot of info online about empaths attracting narcissists and sociopaths.

I don't know that you need to improve or change yourself, tho. Just be careful not to marry someone with a mental disorder, IMO. I don't know where you meet people but maybe you could meet healthier people in healthier settings.

I also have had a long history with the mentally ill, and I plan to only look for healthy people from here on. The unstable ones have taken a lot out of me in my lifetime, and that includes a sociopathic/bipolar ex, an aspergers dad, and an HPD/OCD mom.

h1234
@h1234
last year
49 posts

Thanks for your replies, I just feel sad that my recent date turned out to be bipolar, he was so manic, talking so fast and pressured that I was completely shattered. He was very giving and caring(trying to impress me), but I couldn't keep up with his excessive energy and the fact he kept talking all the time to so many people, being over friendly and really embarrassing me with his inappropriate behaviour.

It's fun, but going out with a person like that would drive anyone calm absolutely bonkers!

Ecila
@ecila
last year
898 posts

My ex could be fun during manic phases...then came the depression and irritability...no fun!!

Sorry about your date.

h1234
@h1234
last year
49 posts

Thanks Ecilia,

He was lovely but I felt drained , he could never sit still, never took a breath, he talked more about himself. I thought there was something wrong with me for not keeping up, he took me to a chinese restaurant, the pub, a country manor for lunch, swimming and singing on a piano, he probably spent 200 pounds in two days we met, wanted me to be his girlfriend, showed me a brides dress in a shop, started telling everyone i was his girlfriend, before i said yes!!

It was the craziest yet funniest date, I've ever experienced, but how do you manage in a long term relationship, id need to be busy with other hobbies, otherwise id burn out!

I'm disappointed, as at 38 next month, I've never been married or had kids, he told me he'd give me kids!!Now whether that was to sleep with him, but, its hurtful, as he felt sorry for me, couldn't understand why i wasn't married.

Ecila
@ecila
last year
898 posts

What a date! This culture irritates me with the assumptions that everyone should be married and you're not happy alone, etc. There's nothing wrong with not getting married and far better than marrying someone who ruins your life (or a big chunk of it). Those sure were some red flags! He was luring you into something in a hurry! Funny, my ex did that at first, too. I remember a whirlwind of activities the first few dates, amusement parks, cookouts, the beach, hard rock bars...but I was young and didn't know better!

4peace
@4peace
last year
187 posts

I have bi-polar friends and they do take a lot out of you :) I'm not sure I could handle a bipolar mate though. My husband has constant dysthemicdepression and it's draining, I have to shield myself all the time from it. Don't be in a hurry to marry just to have kids. I was almost 40 when I had my first kid and 41 when I had my second. I remember everyone looking at me like I was inherentlyflawed because I was not married at 18 or 20 like the rest of my family. You can always adopt (so many kids need a good home), don't get stuck in a horrible marriage just to have kids.

Best of luck to you, I'm sorry you had such a horrible date.

4peace

WindWolf
@windwolf
last year
117 posts
As it was stated before they are attracted to us. Because we provide a "safe place", people feel that we understand them and don't have to hide their pain. It can be very draining because we transfer our light to them a lot of times without knowing. I remember when I worked at a strip club as a cook, I'm not sure how I made so many friends with the dancers but I did. I just listened when they needed me to and I learned about them, their real lives not just the act they put on for customers. It drained the hell out of me, but it was worth it. I still keep up with the girls I met there now that I've left that scene, and so many of them are doing much better. Only a few are still dancing, I don't judge them, it's a fun way to make money and they're young. So yeah we attract people that are suffering and sometimes self destructive. Because they feel it inside that we can help them, without consciously making the decision to get help they find us. Our help can turn their live into success stories, and they keep our lives interesting. Never stop improving yourself but don't do it just to attract a healthier class of people. Remember the sick seek out the doctor, and this life just happens to be our shift.
Ecila
@ecila
last year
898 posts

For some sociopaths and narcissists, I also think we make good marks.

Lavender&rose
@lavenderrose
last year
82 posts

That seems to come with the territory. My body reacts really badly these days to anyone not ultimately good for me, no matter how likable they may be, etc. Manic people are the worst; the energy overrides my own and stays with me for days. Can't bear the dragging leg pains I get around certain illnesses, also.

Not quite 38... You are young! Don't panic and hand over your best years to some crazy man who lovebombs you on a first date and will burn you out in a short time. (I've picked the crazy/nasty ones, unfortunately, so look back sadly at that aspect of my life, but boy do I know a whole manual of red flags now!)

Sorry your date was a fizzer. It's not you. It's the condition - we are magnets for all sorts of trouble, and troubled souls. Some empaths seem to thrive on it and feel it is our noble duty, but it tires me right out these days.

Also: I am not big on the Law of Attraction. Don't think you need to 'improve yourself' and certainly don't think you should blame yourself for these peeps being attracted to you - but you do need to learn your own boundary, and what is good for you, and maybe slowly make some decisions around all of this. Once I got firmer, and clearer, I felt less of a terrible person for assessing that yet another sick person was not a good idea for me as a new best friend, etc. Long hard work to draw those lines and lose the guilt, though.
Lavender&rose
@lavenderrose
last year
82 posts

So true. Same way a pedophile can spot and target an abused, emotionally neglected child.

WindWolf
@windwolf
last year
117 posts
Of course there are those that seek to hurt us but I'm trying to have a positive attitude. Which for me recently is a really tough thing to do.
Ecila
@ecila
last year
898 posts

I currently have a family member who has chosen a bipolar/borderline for a gf and he thinks I'm terrible for not being more positive about it but I just can't be. I fear for what he will be enduring but there is nothing I can do about it. He tells me I'm negative...but I also know that I can't deal with all that goes with certain people anymore! It comes down to survival at times, esp when you get older and tired...I get stress that wrecks havoc all over my body!

Lavender&rose
@lavenderrose
last year
82 posts

I got a slew of autoimmune disorders c/- this thing and my wild desire to heal/help/rescue/save, including some truly awful people in hindsight! There is nothing like listening to your body. For years I didn't, and learned the hard way it wasn't going to stop sending me messages of distress.

Am now saving myself for people I canactually help, who actually want to help themselves (that sure narrows the field!)- and that includes myself these days...

h1234
@h1234
last year
49 posts

Well my date phoned me yesterday and has asked me out, I said only friendship and meant it, I wonder if he is trying to win me over? I told him his mania concerned me and see a doctor, not exactly a positive encouraging friend, he probably hates me now, its because i care too much. He probably deals with that judgement on a daily basis, as a christian, I know I shouldn't judge-he crossed my life path for a reason, can't figure it out, God knows i struggled with a borderline mother, now an aspergers friend and bipolar friend, then my ex- friend was bipolar and let me down, help, got to stop meeting and catering to these types, its just they are attracted to me!!

h1234
@h1234
last year
49 posts

The thing is I miss the excitement and dopamine when I am with him, he is fun and kindhearted and genuinely caring.

How can I stop having that feeling of addiction, the thing is, if i feel like this, I know other women will be the same, I know he has a roaring eye and I want a monogamous relationship. He is unreliable and irrational and illogical.

Im not the practical of people, so my man needs to be good with money and practical details.

Lavender&rose
@lavenderrose
last year
82 posts

I think having a BPD/NPD/HPD mother really sets you up to click easily with tricky types. They just feel right, and we know how to cater to them. Good luck!

Heather6
@heather6
last year
10 posts
Well you seem to have your answer. You have pointed out very specific traits he has that you can/will not tolerate, as well as traits you need that he doesn't have. If you feel you can not just cold turkey walk away, I say continue with a guarded flirtatious friendship. Trying to move forward with anything more will almost definitely end in disappointment. Others WILL take advantage of you if you let them. Most people don't intentionally use or take advantage of others, they are merely accepting what others give freely. This is where boundaries are essential. Not just to protect yourself, but to let others know where you stand. Once your boundaries have been set, do not budge, you ARE worth it. I truly hope this made sense and maybe even helped I am sending you light and strength.
Ecila
@ecila
last year
898 posts

Me too Lavender&rose, fibromyalgia, migraines and other stuff. Including myself in the compassion was a totally foreign concept until I was pretty old. Live and learn...I'm currently still with my aspergers dad so it is still tough.

H1234...You know this won't be good for you! Maybe he crossed your path so that you can learn boundaries, to trust your instinct, and learn to say no:)

h1234
@h1234
last year
49 posts

True Heather. Now I read back what I've said, you may have a point.

I had a mother with undiagnosed BPD and always have walked on eggshells, never getting my needs met. I hate anger and conflict in others, and I think that leads me to not rock the boat and speak up when I should. Im learning but its hard for me. If anyone struggles with being assertive, let me know, see if we can come up with some ideas.

TigerLily
@tigerlily
last year
309 posts
I'm in the same boat! Just when I think ive met great positive people, I then later find out they are just unstable! I try to remain as positive and hopeful as I can, but these people in the end are draining. Alot even do a good job hiding their pain, even though I see it in their eyes. The way they talk, carry themselves, etc. I think to myself "am I wrong here?" And we'll in the end I'm not.I feel I can set all the boundaries I want and these people just over step them. And then it's my fault?
h1234
@h1234
last year
49 posts

I think I can sum it up, to be happy, is to love yourself and feel worthy within yourself, you then attract the right people.To love the person you are, to be of worth to yourself, to like yourself, then it doesn't matter what people think of you, you can be positive and successful. I realise having faith and a positive mindset can project you further if you want something. Im not totally ambitious but I know what i want to achieve and I can make it happen. I need to believe in myself and get better. I stood up and did an open mic the other day, first time singing in front of a pub of people and you know what it was liberating, like a free bird, just letting go of judgements and caring what others thought. Let them see me for the real person i am without hiding away or wearing a mask.

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