is this real

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WindWolf
@windwolf
last year
117 posts
How do I know that this is real? I can't meditate anymore, I can't find peace. I feel like I'm in hell. Time is just a word without meaning. People I love are dying or just leaving my life. I feel pain from everywhere, I seem to be just a disappointment to my family. I try to help people but what good does it really do? I'm still alone in pain broken. Ten suicide attempts and I can't die. If this is hell who was I that I deserve this? Why me?
updated by @windwolf: 07/12/17 01:16:14PM
Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

I'm so sorry that you're feeling so depressed. You cannot leave this world until the Divine/God decides it's your time. Christopher has a nice suggestion of getting professional help to get you out of the funk you're in. It IS possible to be free of depression and glad that you're alive. I, too, am a suicide survivor and I still have my days when I wish I wasn't here, but every day is a new day and a chance to have a different perspective. There IS a reason you're still here. You have a purpose in this life. Maybe see what you can do to contribute to this world in a way that would improve it so that you will feel purposeful and effective at making positive change. That may lift your depression. And find some friends who you can connect with. Because sometimes family is just not the right match for someone, because they need to separate from them and find their own family who will be supportive.

God bless and loving kindness,

Lotusfly

Ecila
@ecila
last year
898 posts

If you can't do sitting meditation you could try walking meditation. Being outside can add the benefits of sunshine, nature, and help clear your head. But if you feel suicidal, please get some professional help asap. Hurting yourself isn't the answer and I think that you are a positive influence for this world and it isn't your time to go so forget about that. I keep reminding myself that one day everyone I love and care about will be gone and life is suffering...just accept that suffering without fighting it and you can find peace. You cannot control who lives, dies, or leaves you. Also, time will help heal you from your recent losses and you will grow stronger.

I hope that's some help. It's not easy.

LaoG
@laog
last year
137 posts

Because it happened to you does not mean that you deserved it. It isn't your fault what happened to you. I won't say that I understand completely because I can simply imagine what it is like to have a bunch of loved ones die in a short amount of time.

If I had to guess everything seems surreal like it's a movie to you because you may be a bit disassociated from the pain. Time feeling weird is also a result of this. The fact that you have had 10 suicide attempts and you are still alive could mean that there is an external force protecting you. I can't prove that every person has a 'duty' they have when they come to this world, but if there is one then I believe it is very possible you are still here for that. Even if you don't have a duty though, I have the feeling you have the tenacity to endure this suffering you are going through.

But if the pain associated with your experience is so much you want to die then I can't just pretend I can understand the reasoning behind your choice in trying to. WindWolf, not everyone goes through what you are but I hope you can make it out because I have known people who have gone through very dark experiences and they came out feeling many times more mentally and spiritually developed then before them. I am not trying to say this experience you have is necessary or 'good' for you if it ends up making you stronger, but I hope you can find a reason to continue to live.

I hope that you can channel your pain into conviction.

LaoG
@laog
last year
137 posts

Yeah, going out in nature helps a lot and ecotherapy is definitely effective in dealing with stress and trauma.

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

Life is what you make of it, WindWolf. If you change your thoughts, you change your perspective. In essence, we're all manifesting our reality. If you want your life to be different, you have to change your thoughts. It's possible for anyone to do. I've personally seen my reality change numerous times based on my perspective. So, yes, reality is very dreamlike because it can change at a whim :)

Ecila
@ecila
last year
898 posts

Sounds like you are a survivor! Hang in there. It won't all be bad and hopefully the worst is behind you.

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
So sorry
Just Stevie
@just-stevie
last year
84 posts

You can't die because you really don't want to. You want the pain & suffering to die.

Be careful....because many succeed by accident.

Focus on tomorrow. Eventally everything becomes a memory. Nothing lasts forever, good or bad.

Don't embrace your pain and depression. I know it feels like you have to but let it go. A tremendous weight will be lifted.

Find the things you can do to make the changes you need to make. Baby steps will still get you where you want to go. Time is just a concept. No need to rush.

OK, I am starting to sound like a greeting card - but I do hope you find your strength. It's there

Ecila
@ecila
last year
898 posts

Since you are a meditator you can understand that by "accepting the suffering", meditating on it, you will pass through it. I agree that you shouldn't embrace the pain and that would be a dark path. The idea is to transcend it. Feel it for what it is: a perception of your mind right now. It only has the power that you give it. It is only as real as you feel it through your perceptions. Try to meditate on your feelings and see their origins and see them passing away. All phenomena have their origins in the sense spheres and their passing away. In some senses they could be considered as not real at all. You might be tuning into that feeling of the unreal because of that reason.

Nyla
@nyla
last year
22 posts

I read many years ago that you get three "outs" from this life. One near the beginning, one during the middle. and then one at the end when its really time to go. Your "true" self gets to decide. (Your soul, higher-self, who you truly are) Your higher self decided to stay so you are here until the end. I know it sounds scary. But please quit the suicide attempts because they will just make you more miserable. These choices happened to me. I should have died as a child, and then later as a young adult my car started going over a cliff. Miraculously I made it. They weren't suicide attempts but I was aware how very close to death I was. I get a little scared sometimes thinking about living until I'm elderly. My life isn't all peaches and cream. But I try. That's all you need to do right now...try to hang in there. It will get better.

I know it becomes overwhelming at times and maybe its too hard to meditate and find peace. At these times try the very basic grounding techniques. Go outside in your bare feet. Get some sun. Eat something. Wash your hands and wrists. Take a bath. Later when you feel better get serious about the shielding and other helpful information on this site.

Goodenergyhealing
@goodenergyhealing
last year
373 posts

try doing you meditation with activity. I do loads of mediation/ distant healing/ self-healing with my cardio (cross trainer works best). It keeps me awake and breathing. Have good music with it, or put a guided meditation on with head phones. All the best!

Kit Kat
@kit-kat
last year
230 posts

Sending you all the light I can <3 It's my belief that this earth life is a lot like hell, but that a fullness of joy is available to us in eternity if we endure it well. Are you religious? For me, believing in God and Jesus Christ has saved my life. I'd love to talk to you more about religion if you want--if maybe that might help.

And if your family really does see you as a disappointment, then that is a shame for them because even just from reading your posts on this community I can tell that you're are an amazing person. I'm not just saying that; you've really inspired me.

Have hope, everything will be alright.

H.O.P.E. (Hold On, Pain Ends)

WindWolf
@windwolf
last year
117 posts
I was raised Christian but I gave up organized religion. I still believe in God, I just need to find my own way, I need answers that I wasn't getting in my church.
Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

What are your questions? What are you looking for?

Goodenergyhealing
@goodenergyhealing
last year
373 posts

hmm - pretty certain I was a member of some 'Advanced Lightworker Group' on Facebook, which was run by the same woman apparently running lonerwolf.com (pretty sure I recognize that picture)

Was not a pleasant experience. Some huge ego stuff flying about. She basically claimed that everybody, compared to her is a lazy shit (supposedly she writes three books a month (or a week?)). I left the group when I was attacked for making constructive critical remarks on a video claiming that the Earth is actually flat. It appears that not joining that believe I was a heretic and too stupid to remain....

Sure, there might be some valid, and valuable info on that website, but I'd keep some healthy guard up and retain common sense thinking!

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

I'm not aware of the Facebook group you mention, but the LonerWolf website has a lot of helpful info, which is why I recommended the links.

Sorry you had a bad experience with a FB group, possibly run by an owner of LonerWolf (if they are in fact the same person), but keep in mind that no one is perfect and people do grow and change.

I do not think it's fair to judge LonerWolf based on a Facebook group with a different name in which multiple people participate, not just the owners.

However, thanks for sharing your opinion. It's good to have different views. :)

Kit Kat
@kit-kat
last year
230 posts

The church I belong to is the only place I've been able to find the depth of answers that I need..

Maybe this video can help you:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdN8rfwW3SI

4peace
@4peace
last year
187 posts

Sweetie, please get some help from a doctor/psychologist/counselor. A lot of people do not believe in medicine, and that's okay for them, but anti-depressants have saved me from being like 1/2 of my family. I'm functional. I read some really good comments from others on this post about going out in nature - sometimes meditation is not just sitting and thinking it's working with your hands - painting for me is a type meditation - walking, movement.

There is no "cure" all. It's a combination of things, meds, movement, spiritual and changing how we think. Look for beautiful things, good people and go out a try some new things :) Go outside your comfort zone :)

Seriously wishing you the best,

4peace

seanw4202
@seanw4202
last year
54 posts

The amount of people who respond to you should show you the capacity for man-kind. The love isn't out there, it's inside you. I didn't find it until my mother passed, and I was homeless with a 8-month pregnant girlfriend. Stop looking for it, you already have it. I agree 100% with everyone who says its a thinking process, my mother always said "It is what it is" No matter where you go, there you'll be. Life takes us where we need to go, one day you will wake up and forget what pain is because you'll be immune to it, You will feel 10' tall and bulletproof. Trust me, I wanted to die for a long time too.... When you love yourself, others will too... Considering the amount of support here, and the fact you're still alive is god/spirit/angels protecting the love inside you, If you can't die than you must have more love than you can handle, you need to share it with the world before your time will come. Don't give up on yourself, you need to break the why bother attitude, and say because it's right to do, you shouldn't expect anything in return for your deeds selflessness is the first step to inner peace.

D.A.Darby
@dadarby
last year
11 posts

I want to say something to help, so here goes. I'm sure you disagree sometimes but I am so glad your ten attempts failed, one day you may be talking to some poor fellow who has lost his way and may be able to impart your life saving experience and wisdom. As to what you're feeling I felt similar before, I went to the river, (any body of water will do) and threw stones into the water, naming each one a hurt until I ran out of names. For example, the fact I had an abusive boyfriend and lost everything. It really helped, at least it made room for other things. When thoughts (meditation) don't fix it you need action my friend. I agree with the walking meditation but by throwing stones you may be able to 'let go' so to speak. God bless.

WindWolf
@windwolf
last year
117 posts
Thank you all

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