Is there anyone who can offer advice on mother-daughter relationship healing?<3

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Jls
@jls
last year
12 posts
Hi guys, hope everyone out there is doing well today and has a healthy dose of light shining down :)I'm praying someone can offer heartfelt advice on a situation Ive been trying to figure out, between my mother and me. In desperate need of relationship healing.How do I heal things between us, while at the same time living with her, and having the same things that caused the disharmony and pain to begin with (since childhood), reiterated to me on a daily basis?I have times of releasing and forgiving and wanting to heal with her and extend love to her. Then the following day I find myself sucked back into bitterness and internal rage toward her (which I bottle up)- truly the ONLY person I harbor such awful feelings toward. It is so not in my nature to be like this toward another soul, and that alone deeply bothers me.A fraction of background- I grew up feeling constantly judged by her, a lack of validation, and a lack of deep mother-daughter love. I grew up fearful of her getting angry with me. Condemning me for things I had no control over (trivial things such as unpredictable television content or lyrics to songs on my radio)from a very young age. Always judgmental of looks, of my friends, and others in general I suppose. In high school she began accusing me of things I never even considered (such as drug use, yet I was such a naive goody-two-shoes, who thought the D.A.R.E. program made it so drugs weren't even used by people, let alone people my age, deeply hurtful and offensive). And many more things that just crushed my trust in her over the years. Overall she (along with my grandmother, her mother, who always lived with us) instilled enormous levels of fear and guilt into both me and my older brother. To where we were afraid to walk down our own suburban street in the #1 ranked safest town here in the states. Stuff passed down generationally, I feel.I've never stopped sensing suspiciousness, judgment, lack of acceptance, and lack of unconditional love, from my mother. It doesn't help that I've been able to read what she is thinking my whole life. I do know she has love for me though. I want so badly to forgive her and let these things go and to heal; its drastically affected my spirit. Unfortunately, feelings of worthlessness and anger have been showing up as things surface more and more.I have tried talking to her about it all. On different occasions. I've approached it several different ways. I sense her not believing me, and I sense her thinking I am wrong in how I feel. She does not acknowledge my feelings, and so I find it more difficult. I've been trying for a long time to figure this out. Very circular feeling.I feel my heart chakra open and then slam shut repeatedly. So so sensitive with this woman. I feel the need to note that I realize things could be so very much worse and in that light I should consider myself blessed and I am grateful for the positives which I'm able to identify; I feel like healing can and will come. I've just become confused how, by this point though.How do I heal from something while it's stuff that's still happening/old wounds being revisited? Am I wrong in thinking I can heal from this while also living under the same roof as her? A part of me felt like I was put in my present life circumstances so I'd be forced to face this, but now I don't understand how to heal properly while under the same roof. I need advice on how to handle communication with someone who triggers the memories I'm trying to let go of, and advice on how to properly deeply connect with those painful things enough to effectively let go of them, because what I've been doing has clearly not been working :-/(I am so so so sorry for sharing emotional burden, the last thing I ever want to do is dump how I feel on anyone else, it's taken quite a lot for me to arrive at the point where I felt no other option than to reach out for help from someone through the empath community. Beyond grateful for all you guys!) <3<3<3
updated by @jls: 01/13/17 01:07:23AM
Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

Hi Jessie,

I'm sending you a lot of love right now. I was in a very similar situation just a few months ago. My mom pushed me out of her house with her comments. I am now, on my own, finally healing and forgiving her properly; whereas, in her home, it would have been impossible (like the old saying, "too close to home").

I believe that if both family members are not receptive to healing on the same level, it can be fruitless (and possibly, as in my case, harmful) to try, unfortunately.

Because someone can't change (or influence) another if they're not ready, I personally think the best way for someone to heal from old wounds is on their own or with the help of others who are on the same path and/or a professional (e.g. therapist, counselor).

The good news is, once the person heals, they can inspire and help the other person to heal as well (if and only if they are ready, of course). Otherwise, no healing occurs for either person.

So I honestly believe it would be best if you were to venture on your own (if possible) and do your own healing in a safer environment that is not so triggering.

I wish you the utmost best in your quest and please know that it is possible :)

Kindest blessings~

Lotusfly

Jls
@jls
last year
12 posts
Oh my goodness thank you so much for responding to my post! I was praying someone who had a similar experience would be willing to share with me about it and am so so grateful to hear from you, Lotusfly. Thank you so much for sending love, I want to tell you, I felt it so strong right in the center of my chest!! A huge wave of healing love and happiness flooded over me. Beyond grateful for this. Very appreciative of your kind words, I believe you are right, thank you for confirming that staying with my mom is probably not the best way to heal this situation. I know my mom does want healing for us too but she seems incapable of accepting or comprehending it....I can't seem to get through to her. Leaving here and healing on my own, first, does seem a healthier route.Sending you golden light and blessings right back, Lotusfly! <3
Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

I'm so happy to hear that you found my suggestion helpful, Jessie. I wish you much love and light on your healing journey! :) <3

jenjen
@jenjen
last year
16 posts

I was raised in a dysfunctional family and have carried the pain from my childhood most of my life. Is this past year I have been on a journey of healing. It hasn't been an easy journey and I have had professional help to get through it. I feel so much lighter and my belief in myself is beginning to return. I am seeing a side of myself that I didn't event know was there.

Ecila
@ecila
last year
898 posts

That does sound familiar. I'm with lotusfly. If you can get away from the abuse it would be better for you. You could try getting your mother in to therapy with you if you can't leave. It could be that she is somewhere in the Cluster B group of personality disorders and maybe ODC...but wouldn't jump to a conclusion with so little information. You could read up on them, tho, and see if it fits."Walking on Eggshells" is commonly used by people who grew up with such persons. In fact, there's a book called "Stop Walking on Eggshells." It was a term I constantly used growing up and I left home as soon as I was able. I've found that at least 3 hours apart is best for my mother and I and still when I see her I often have the same old buttons pushed and I go into depression. I try to limit my time around her but often still get drawn in.

Jls
@jls
last year
12 posts
It is quite incredible how much our belief in self is affected by pain carried from childhood, oh my.Thank you for sharing, jenjen. Because it helps me to know that this wont be forever, that healing will come, it is good to hear of others' positive experiences with professional help. It is wonderful to hear that you are lighter and your belief in self is returning. That, healing truly is possible despite all the things you have experienced. You are walking proof, and an example of strength. An example of the blessings that are waiting for those choosing to embark on the path to healing, and continuing along that path. I imagine you have a new understanding of just how strong you were born to be. And are. Emerging from a chrysalis with brand new wings. I sense Hope, not only for yourself but for others with whom you are able to share with (like me for example :o) ) <3
Jls
@jls
last year
12 posts
Hmm. You know, i never considered my mom as one who might have a personality disorder.Though, im not ruling it out either, as anything is possible. Thank you for suggesting it, i will look into that and see if perhaps it has something to do with this situation.I dont particularly feel victimized or even necessarily abused. Its like, Shes almost in denial mode of her actions having hurtful effects on her children. Like I'm the one with the qualms toward her and how she interacts with me. She doesnt have qualms with the way i interact with her though. Its really difficult to explain i suppose. I totally understand the time gaps necessary between interacting, oh man. I have to build up emotional protection to prepare for the point of the day when she gets home because of the energy shift i feel when she comes in the door. Even still, i can only tolerate speaking with her for like an hour TOPS before i feel totally maxed out and frustrated inside. I wind up just avoiding her and hiding out in my room. definitly a bummer! She doesnt even come home in a foul mood....its like, my energy just straight up doesnt like her energy.
Jls
@jls
last year
12 posts
Thank you for responding, Amanda! Yeah there is definitely no threat to my physical wellbeing at stake in this situation, which I am so so grateful for. I have spent years living away from her and found that i always of course have gotten along with her while not living with her. The current situation has me kinda stuck with her for the next 4-6 months and i'm realizing that it has forced me to face old wounds swept under the rug. Like, i dont believe these wounds would have been brought back out into the light again without this situation and therefore i feel like it happened so i could see there are things that need to be healed, otherwise i probably would have left them compartmentalized for the rest of my life..something i know is definitely not healthy emotionally. Like you said, having to deal with the stuff on a daily basis has made me also wonder if maybe i'm supposed to figure out how to cope with this to mentally/spiritually "toughen up," so to speak. Part of me feels like if i can do that, then i wouldnt be affected by her like this. Like, perhaps i'm looking for things that she is simply incapable of giving to me because she doesnt understand. In which case, i have no real option but to do exactly what you just described, for it is unreasonable to expect what cannot be given. Living with her again after all this time has been pretty tough, i'm dyin' to get out, and as soon as i can i'll be gone hahah. Until then though...i have a little bit of time to deal with. I would love to hear more about how you were able to develop those skills toward your mother. Thank you so much for your response. <3 !
jenjen
@jenjen
last year
16 posts

Thank you for your support Jessie!! We were born to fly...

Ecila
@ecila
last year
898 posts

Glad to hear you don't feel abused. If she had a PD it would be pretty hard to miss so she must not. You could try some metta meditation towards her. That has helped me with my parents.

4peace
@4peace
last year
187 posts

Jessie,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I too have had problems with my mother. I moved my family 8 hours away. A bit too far, but I love where I live.

Abuse is not just physical, it can also be emotional. It helped me to recognize that she is sick. I spent years just crushed because I could see and feel the love that other mothers had for their daughters, and I do not get that from my mother. It hurts. But now I realize that this is just my path, that it is part of the reason I am like I am today. I might not be as empathetic towards others as much if I had not experienced (still experiences) what I did/am. My grandmother also told me some things about her like she was always sick and would faint for no reason. My mom now has cancer, she had a port put in her neck for chemo - and she told me she was worried about it because it was something she could not push away. Then I realized how uncomfortable she is with receiving and giving love. Look for clues on how to deal with you mom, ask for clues to help. Wear black tourmaline or another stone that gets rid of negative energy (I LOVE black tourmaline for this!) I have also made a grid for my mom to help with healing, but added a lot of rose quartz in addition to the sugilite to help with giving and receiving love.

Once again I'm so sorry you are going through this and hope that you get some info from somewhere that helps. Very difficult situation when you have to live with her. Work on keeping yourself healthy or healing yourself.

Much peace,

4peace

Jls
@jls
last year
12 posts
4peace, i am so glad to hear you removed yourself from the situation, it is so so important to be happy with where you live! City and house, both :)I agree that the empathic side becomes amplified in strength when subjected to things like abuse. In that light, it makes me feel grateful that others can then benefit as a result, like it didnt happen for nothing. More care and concern and love and healing can be shared to others because of these experiences. Thank you for sharing your situation with not just me but all who read this thread. Very sorry to hear your mother is now dealing with cancer. I pray she comes to the same realozariom you have come to, which is recognizing there is a block between giving and recieving love. And that this realization will open her up to a new mindset, regarding it. <3I LOVE black tourmaline too! Thank you for your suggestions of crystal gridding, i love this idea so much!!
Jls
@jls
last year
12 posts
By all means!! Im so glad you did share all this because helping as many people as possible by just one post is an incredible thing and an opportunity not to be passed on.Thank you for sharing this with me and whoever gets to read it in the forum, im going to check out running with the wolves for sure! Funny, i happened to make a lonerwolf account a couple months back and completely forgot about it until you brought it up. Glad you mentioned that!All of what you shared resonates SO much with me. WOW. I think i need to read it like ten times in a row hahah. THANK YOU you are amazing. I feel like so much of this stretches beyond just mother-daughter stuff and into many other aspects of life and love and all types of interpersonal relationships we experience throughout our lives. So much of this can be applied to so many aspects of life. I love it. So much wisdom and strength!!
Jls
@jls
last year
12 posts
Yes, absolutely!! <3
Jls
@jls
last year
12 posts
Thank you for suggesting metta meditation towards her, Ecila. I didnt even know what that was until i looked it up after you mentioned it, and what a wonderful suggestion!! Definitely going to do this :))
Ecila
@ecila
last year
898 posts

You're welcome! It works rather quickly but I've found I have to keep it up regularly. Ajahn Brahm has some good ones.

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