Anyone else deal with social isolation?
updated by @gemma3: 01/18/18 02:31:41PM
I was just thinking about posting something similar to this. I have the vampires and users that have just worn me down! I needed to get them them out of my life. That has not been easy, I had to do it in a way that I felt ok with and did not give them a reason to make me feel guilty. In doing that I have more time alone and that has been a wonderful thing. My solitude has given me time to be me, not the listener, not the helper or what ever they want me to be. It has been wonderful to be away from negative energy. I am doing what I like to do and I am not letting anyone make me feel like I am stupid or boring or should be doing for them.
I put myself in places also and never really fit in, I think that was because I was trying to "fit in", it was not me. I believe I will "fit in" when I can be me. I have been looking in the wrong places for "friends".
Yes. I had to remove people from my life because I could not take the negativity. It was unhealthy. I enjoy my alone time, but am thinking that I need to make more friends and do more. I used to do a lot of volunteer work as well. Maybe I will do more of that. But I wish there was some way of steering clear of negative people from the get-go instead of finding out later and having to deal with it.
I have a different perspective on this. I think part of this is because we are empaths. I'm 65 yrs. old, and having spent a lot of time people watching, I see almost all of the people I know who do have a lot of friends not noticing the way they are being used, accepting behavior that I would not, allowing people to horribly abuse them, etc. They may have "friends", but they do it by being unaware of what you and I can clearly see.
I had to spend time thinking about what I would and would not put up with, then seek people whom I could tolerate, though always in small doses, since I need a lot of time alone. I am chronically ill and mostly homebound now, but when I do meet people, I have no problem with them wanting to befriend me. I am almost always the one who ends up rejecting them for not meeting my ethical standards, or for being obvious users, or drama queens who will drain me dry until I get even sicker. How to end a friendship that you realize is wrong for you is the hardest thing for me. I am not good at it, since I prefer honesty and most people seem to want you to tell them what they want to believe instead, another thing the average unaware person does not seem to notice or be bothered by.
Our society has all these online websites that match you up for romance. I think we need to take friendship just as seriously and maybe have the same sort of thing for that. A website just for empaths to find other local empaths would be fabulous, for example.
I am sorry I have no solutions. I am struggling with this problem too, but one thing I know from experience is that for me at least, being alone is far less lonely than being surrounded by the wrong people. I went through a 4 year period where I experimented with being friends with anyone who wanted me as their friend, and I had loads of "friends" as a result, but I felt like an alien dropped on a strange planet. I got my serious illness at the end of that period, which I do not think was a coincidence. So, I hope you will continue to be yourself no matter what. If you've not tried local Metaphysical Meetup groups, that might be a place to find people like you, and if there aren't any near you, you can start one!
I can relate. Don't think I have any solutions...
Not being ill is a good bonus of not having the users, or the people I feel zero affinity with, as Cheshire Cat said, in my life. I tried so hard to be of service, of use, and to help my 'friends' for so long, and then when I couldn't take that anymore (got really ill) I was just floating about and people I didn't especially like were wanting to be friends so I went along with it. That wasn't good either. Now I am extremely alone. It's sad. I have no answers. The circles I do mix in on occasion only have messed-up people who are not good for me.
I wish I could think of a solution for this too and like CC sometimes prefer being alone than with people who drain me.
Some people I have an immediate gut reaction to and know that I have to limit my time around them but this can be very difficult in some circumstances. I have very few true friends and even they don't fully understand me.
I can remember a time though when I was a social animal I guess you would say but even then I didn't feel like I belonged or could open up to people because it seems like everyone's problems was a higher priority than mine so I usually stayed silent about my problems.
Now....My days are filled with a lot of procrastinating, (lol) thinking, researching and enjoying my own presence.
A friend ask me the other day "how can you stand being isolated so much " and it made me think "maybe this isn't healthy" but I released that thought very quickly because I'm finally finding the peace within myself. Like Tootles finding his marbles. Lol
I feel for you and I think as empaths this is a common theme where we end up being the supporters of others and then when we need it ourselves, it is often a case of 'where are those friends of mine when I need them!' Cheshire Cat, had a wonderful idea in a discussion with her recently. She suggested that I look at the Myers Briggs Personality inventory )(Thank you soo much Cheshire cat!) Well it was very helpful and I have got together with some like-minded people and had a lot of fun with it . What I'm getting at here is that if you are the type who has extrovert tendencies then mixing with others could be quite healing and helpful, which ever way you go about it . If you are introverted then time alone is very important to regroup and gain a perspective on things. When you learn more about this inventory you will be better able to 'pick' friends who are more compatible with how you think and relate to the world. If only there was an 'Empathville' I'd move there straight away lol!On a more serious note, I know many of us have been hurt badly and our trust broken. It is so nice to have the love and support of this community. My heart goes out to you Gemma, don't lose faith, there may still be a special friend out there for you.
Love and Blessings
My hard drive died and I am using backup, so please excuse typos. Computer in shop 4 days now and I am a wreck...can't do business w/o it.
I just had to post to agree. I have 3 extrovert friends, but the only reason it works is 2 live far away, and the other doesn't really understand but being extrovert has tons of other friends. They drain me big time and I have to get the one who lives here to come see me, or she would try to drag me into a crowd of some sort. She can't stand to be alone at all and tries to push my boundaries. We share the care of a neighborhood cat, otherwise I'd drop her due to the stress, even though I'm very isolated; too much even for an introvert like me. I am also friendly and kind, and people seem so needy these days, they glom on like leeches to anyone like that. It's very sad, and I feel I must try to be colder and more reserved, also sad, or I end up unable to get out and a blow up results when I've had all I can stand of being bossed around. Understanding I am INFJ helps, so I know why I feel alone in a crowd.
I feel the same way about feeling less lonely by myself then when I am a group of the wrong people. It is something I would like to say but most people would not understand it. I have read your post several times and I can relate to so much of what you say, it is comforting to know someone else feels this way and yet sad.
As far as doing something practical about this problem of having no empath face to face friends, I count ten posters in this thread, so the odds are not good, but at least one of us might get a gift from the universe and find out that another one of us lives near enough to meet them......
Does anyone else live in the Tampa Bay, Florida area who has posted in this thread?
I think because we're looking for people like us as friends that friends are rare and hard to come by, despite being able to relate to others so well. It is hard for me, too... For me, though, going to church helps because at least there we're all meant to be united in the same purpose, which is a good feeling.
Common ground is the basis of any great relationship, but I just think sometimes we have to settle for "good" rather than "great." At least we can be "great" friends for others
Dear Kit Kat, So true, common ground is the cement of friendship. I agree being a great friend and not expecting is quite admirable and the central tenet of many religions and philosophies. If you can connect to the divine when friendships are sparse to recharge then that is great. Then when you are ready and have nurtured self it is a wonderful principle to spread around this loving energy as it is very contagious.
I love your answer,
blessings to you
From what I have gathered, if we are empaths people with issues are drawn to us like metal to magnets. They subconsciously know what we are and can't help it. So not only do we attract people with these issues, but we also take on their emotions as our own, it seems to be to be an easy way to get stuck in unhealthy relationships. In hindsight I can see how this happened to me, and the fact I wanted to help made me stuck even more. We can't steer away from the negativity completely when we attract it all the time. I am not sure, but I don't think we can wait for people to come to us. We have to pick our friends. The people that don't need to unload. I also find myself keeping out of arms reach a lot, I talk to several people at work and everyone I meet, in a friendly way. I can have a conversation with anyone I but don't get attached to them outside of work nor do i invite my neighbors to BBQs. That way I get people contact, without having the suffocating obligations or the feeling of responsibility with everyone.
Also by doing this it gives me more time to feel them out before I get too close, if I sense anything wonky I keep it there and refuse to take it further.