handling broken trust when you saw it coming

To post a reply, login or signup

thamara
@thamara
last year
13 posts
i thought i'd ask you for your opinions, because i figured if someone knows this problem, it's probably a fellow empath:imagine you feel a very bad, toxic vibe coming off a person you're being introduced to, but the person doesn't actually do anything wrong. no, in fact they're always being a supernice, total sweetheart. due to certain circumstances (let's say they're in your friend circle or a colleague you have to work with a lot), you can't really keep your distance. you also can't really tell anyone, because they probably wouldn't understand.so bit by bit, you force yourself to actually like that person, because although they're giving off a bad vibe, there's probably something to love about everyone and who knows, maybe it's harmless after all. you convince yourself you've overreacted when you first met them, you force yourself to trust them. and after some time, you've actually grown to like them.then boom, the bomb drops. they've been lying to and manipulating everyone around you all this time, they've hurt you and loved ones, the trust is broken.i feel guilty, because i knew all along that something was off - but at the same time i don't know what i could've done differently.i want to like. i want to trust. i think that bad vibes don't stick to people because they're bad people, but because they're been through bad stuff. but i also want to not be so helpless when i feel like something is off.
updated by @thamara: 01/14/17 05:08:54PM
Leafherder
@leafherder
last year
35 posts

I think it's frustrating to feel something is off, but not know *why*. Most of the people I have met who give off that bad vibe act like sweethearts, and if they are truly manipulative, they ask you for a favor here and there so you like them (it's counterintuitive, but it works). Maybe the person in question's secret agenda is a temporary preoccupation and you can get to know the real person when it passes, and maybe they're just manipulative with their own agenda. I respect you for reaching out anyway, and honestly if they do have something on their agenda, you're more likely to find out about it if you reach out. (Like that old saying "keep your friends close and your enemies closer.")

On a more tenuous note, you never know when your being there is going to be what they need to tip the balance to the good. People tend to want to meet the expectations others have for them, and maybe your trust made them a little more trustworthy for a while, or make their conscience haunt them more than it would have otherwise - who knows? I say tenuous because putting yourself out there can bea lot of investment on your part and be too easy to stomp over your own boundaries, discount your own impressions, and feel somehow terrible about it later. I would venture a guess that we've all done it.

That buzz at the back of my head that anything I do or say can be used against me usually makes me pull into my shell rather than get to know the other person better. I'll make an effort, but only as far as I can keep my own mask on. At least, that's what I tell myself...

Cat Whisperer
@cat-whisperer
last year
726 posts
I have seen this happen several times. Each time I have tried to warn others about the person, but alas, my warnings have NEVER been heeded. This has caused a lot of suffering for the ones warned. Don't feel guilty at all. Unfortunately there is nothing that you could have done. If you would have warned, especially more than once (as I did) people will start viewing you as the problem and think that you cannot possibly know this kind of thing. Some might even say your crazy. Funny thing about I told you so's....no one ever comes back and says "Your right, ....". Just silence...I have come to the conclusion that sometimes these sufferings are just what needs to happen for the learning experience. It is hard to sit quietly and watch family, loved ones, co-workers, employers go through what they do but all you can do is protect yourself if your radar goes off with someone.Don't ever convince yourself of overreacting. If your radar goes off, trust your gift to keep yourself safe...even if no one else will listen.
Rosie333
@rosie333
last year
20 posts

Dear Thamara

I think the two opinions expressed by Leaderer and Cheshire cat are excellent. I would just like to add, Intuition is no. 1. Trust your intuition at all times and do not overlook these feelings nor add logical explanations to counter them. As an empath this is one of your prime gifts, it is there for protection. Yes we are here to Love first and foremost, and forgiveness and the search for good qualities in all is wonderful. There may be a point however when you may need to detach from others to guard your vulnerabilities.This is better done sooner rather than later if you feel that reality aligns with your initial feelings.

Caitlin
@caitlin
last year
2 posts

Hey, I've been through this before, I'm pretty sure it is an empath thing. I think it's especially frustrating because when you do express it to other people, you can't explain how you know, and they don't understand so think you're stirring. Please do not blame yourself for this, you felt their bad vibes instinctively, there is nothing you could've have done about it. You were pleasant to the person you weren't trusting despite your weariness, and you tried to like them, you have done all I would do in that situation too. I would advise you to trust your intuition, and if it's saying not to trust people, then don't overlook this or try and counter them. By all means don't act on them in terms of confrontation or treating people differently, but trust it. When there is someone you can trust, you will know equally as effortlessly and strongly.

thamara
@thamara
last year
13 posts
thank you for all the input. i really feel not so alone with myself anymore - and i've also stoppedd blaming myself. i could relate to all your replies :) i think in the future i will just let my feelings flow more naturally, without letting it influence how i treat a person. if i feel a bad vibe, i can still keep an eye out, but not obessively.
Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
last year
1,185 posts

Dear Rosie,

I just want to point out that it was Cat Whisperer, not me, who gave that excellent second opinion on this thread, but I do agree with her and with your comment on hers. There are several members here with Cat or Kat in their screen names, so it's easy to do this. I just don't want to seem to be taking credit for someone else's comments, but it's nice to know I was on your mind! That is probably due to the long conversation we've been having on your blog post! :-)

I am going through this right now with someone I initially thought was a saint, someone who is "too good to be true", and calling me her "dear friend" way too soon, when she hardly knows me was my first clue something was off. Sure enough, I've found out there have been lies by omission, outright lies, damage done by carelessness, and a hidden agenda.

How do we deal with this type of person when we must interact sometimes? That's the hard part for me. I've had way too much of this, and have developed quite a temper when I hit the point where I'm DONE with someone's B.S.

C. Cat

Rosie333
@rosie333
last year
20 posts

Dear Cat Whisperer, I am very sorry to have mixed up your name. Cats are very dear to me so Im glad you can whisper to cats. Thank you for your reminder Cheshire cat! How best to deal with these people that are 'too good to be true'?' Well luckily I have been a work trainer and this background has saved me from getting overly disappointed in people when I feel they don't measure up or they have been dishonest. I tell myself that they probably aren't trustworthy, or maybe some type of underlying competition has been set up which brought about clarity, leading to the disappointment. I think to myself , what am I disappointed in and try to encourage and motivate that person to improve in that area and focus on pointing out positives whenever they engage in these more productive thoughts and actions. The good thing is that you have had clarity and you know that that person is not a true friend . It can be difficult to find friends who are honest and who want to equalise the power between themselves and others. Keep looking, don't be disparaged they may be hard to find and you will love them even more when you do find them! :)

Cat Whisperer
@cat-whisperer
last year
726 posts
Rosie333, thanks for the apology, I didn't take it personally :)

Share This

From Our Sponsors

  • intuitive reading
  • empath book