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wiseriverowl
@wiseriverowl
last year
32 posts

Lately at work and at home, I feel like whatever I say goes in one ear and out the other. for example I live with someone who is very controlling. The 'you cant have friends' controlling. I feel that no matter what I say like he doesn't hear me. than when he get angry with me, I tell him that I told him that and he will fight tooth and nail saying I didn't. at work I will be talking to some one and they will walk away from me like they never heard me in the first place. But I'venoticed that if I don't talk with them theyask me "what's wrong?" "Are you upset?"but when I do try and talk with them they just walk away... its this just me or does this happen a lot?

Wise River Owl


updated by @wiseriverowl: 02/03/17 02:23:49PM
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
last year
787 posts
Your living with a narcissistic.....you should probably prepare yourself...either to move or to be constantly drained of energy....i'd move if I was you...or kick him out and find a better roommate...
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Yes, what Karen said! They will tear you down and make you cry then demand you to apologize for crying. It's strange how a narcissist takes no responsibility for their actions because they think they are always right. And , in the beginning, will draw you in with their appealing smiles and they will shelter you with their love then they slap a lock on that shelter and will never let you out. They will hold you prisoner for the rest of life if you don't take a stand. Know...you will never change them so get comfortable being their prisoner or get away from them. Idk, I would flip out on him myself. But that's just me. I can't tolerate narcissist or anyone that tries to control me like that. My thoughts are as free as my spirit. I have finally broken free of my narcissist father and it feels so good!!!
Cat Whisperer
@cat-whisperer
last year
728 posts
WRO, I have been where you are now....and have to say it will take your self esteem and trash it...if that hasn't already happened (ignoring seems to be common behavior that people display around someone with low self esteem). Karen and Rene are right about the narc....it will never change...and you will ultimately suffer the consequences trying to fix the situation. Take care of yourself, dear. You deserve to be respected and heard. From my past experience though, if you do decide that you need to part ways with the abuser, make sure you protect yourself well...they will come at you with relentless vengeance. Best wishes to you....Shine on
Nyla
@nyla
last year
22 posts

I agree with the others here. The person you live with is a Narcissist. Look up "Narcissistic Personality Disorder." One of the things they do is called "gas-lighting." Its what your room-mate is doing when he tells you that you didn't say something when you really did. Its crazy-making.

When people "walk away" while you are talking they are trying to demean you, trying to make you feel "less than." They are trying to boost themselves up by putting you down.

wiseriverowl
@wiseriverowl
last year
32 posts

Karen, I've been fighting with my self on that one for 3 years now. he never use to be that bad. but it seems lately he just keeps getting worse. I'm a fool to believe that he is going to change. Because I know he wont. I have broken up with him several times but he doesn't take me seriously. I have no money to move on andI'm in themiddle of getting my degree. I have make up my mind once I get in to my career I'm not sticking around. I've told him that multiple times and he just shrugged it off. so when I do leave I will feel so much better.

wiseriverowl
@wiseriverowl
last year
32 posts

Rene, I have been in that boat a long time, I will sit outside with my dog for a long time just to have some peace in my head. the one time I did cry he told me "shut the F*ck up, you stupid tw*t" lets just say that I have beentorn down so much that Ican't sense things theway I use to.Ieven developed a stutter. That just makes him mad when I can say what I need to say. I have even gone as far as telling him the truth, which hurts when its meant to, all he did was again tell me that same thing and put a hole in the wall.. I'm at the point of no matter what Ido, its not good enough.

wiseriverowl
@wiseriverowl
last year
32 posts

Cat whisperer, thank you for your kind words. I have zero self esteem. I have been beaten down so much,that I feel like hiding in a hole and never coming out. But in my small way I have been fighting back, I have found that when he says something instead of defending my self I just walk away and not say anything. its seems to make him stop almost as if he is trumpet.At which point he thinks he'swon but he hasn't I justchoose not to acknowledge him.But my silence can only beheld for so long before he starts again. Iget so angry withhim, when he gets mad at the boys (My dogs) and take its out on them.it hurts me to see him treat them that way and they will stilllove him. The one time I told him I was leavinghe threatened to shoot both dogs. I didn't know if he was bluffing or not but Iwasn't going to risk it.I'm in a rock and a hard place I feel like my world is crumbling down on top of me and there isn't anything I can do to stop it. Its sucks with other worldly factors play in to my life that I don't have control over.

wiseriverowl
@wiseriverowl
last year
32 posts

Nyla, thank you for your words. I have seen that happen I always thought it was just me something I did wrong. But I started to look in to things a bit more, and it was never my actions that caused those horrible things to happen it was him. I even startedtarring my self down. Saying that I was stupid for doing that and I should have been smarter about it. But I am starting to realize that if there isn't contention he make something happen to get his fix, I guess you can call it. I remember just 2 weekends ago I wasn't feeling good. I started coughing and it trigger my gag reflex and of course I started to vomit. I didn't get off the bed quick enough to make it in to the bathroom. it was about 2 in the morning and he made me stay up, and clean the bedroom and bathroom wash the sheets and dry them before I could return to bed. I was going to clean it up the best I could then deep clean it in the morning. After I was done cleaning, he got mad at me because he got woke up. He didn't ask me I was okay or if I was feeling alright he just yelled at me and told me I was a stupid bi*ch.

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
last year
787 posts
Smudge the house. ..and cut all energy cords to him...and his cord to your dogs...and keep doing so....whatever drives these kind of people I have no idea...but you don't have to put up with it...or be connected to him that way....if I could i'd offer up my spare room...and cram your dogs in with all my pets....lol...but i'm in Canada. ..so is there anyone you could quietly make arrangements with to move?....family?...this is the type of person you DON'T share your plans with...
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
last year
787 posts
Also you should start thinking about a restraining order....throw his stuff out of the house and change the locks....have the restraining order in place before you do...so if there's a problem call the police and have him arrested....that way there will be documentation if things get worse...right now it's verbal abuse...but if your afraid he'll do as he's threatened then you have the right to put protections in place...you have to get control away from him....
wiseriverowl
@wiseriverowl
last year
32 posts

Karen, thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I have been doing some research about the type of person he is. The house isn't in my name nor is I do have a friend what would be willing help me move butI wouldn't be able tostay with her asI have dogs. but I'm formulating a plan of action.it wont be a quick thing but its something

Cat Whisperer
@cat-whisperer
last year
728 posts
That is part of the game to keep your esteem in check...the lower your esteem the more control he has. Keep in mind..most of these types have esteem issues too, that's why they strive to kick someone lower...to raise up themselves. Not reacting is good...and it gets to him. That is why he goes for the jugular (attacking your dogs)..to get a reaction from you. That feeds this kind of abuser...your reaction. As I stated...relentless vengeance. This kind is hard to break from...but it can be done. You have to be at the last straw to get the strength you need to deal with this type. It can be scary to break free...just keep in mind...when one door is closed, another will open. You have to trust yourself and your gut to guide you in doing what is best for you and your boys (they rely on you to keep them safe too). My last straw was when my cats were the subject of threat....I chose my cats ;)Stay strong...I know you have it in you! You will find once your esteem returns you will find less ignoring going on.Shine on ;)
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
last year
787 posts
If you can afford to place them in a kennel for a time...I had to do that for my cats when I split from my ex...short term until you can find a place etc....if he's threatening to hurt them that may be a safe way to remove them from him...that way he would not have access to that line of threats...remove everything he can use to keep you down...then run...if you can find someone who can take em in short term...pay for food and stuff....that isn't a kennel...if they go to a kennel just make sure they have the kennel cough shot.. lol...
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
last year
787 posts
Do the restraining order tho...have them serve it after you leave...and make sure to include the dogs....
Nyla
@nyla
last year
22 posts

I've read what the others have said and I think they covered it. You need to get out. It is so sad and just wrong that you are going through this. But...it will make you strong. My mother was mentally ill. It is one of the reasons that I am an empath. So look at the positive. Don't look at it as a hit against you, bringing you down. Look at it as bringing you UP. You are learning how to defend yourself against these emotions of his. He is manipulative. You are smart. Turn your own empathy dial up Turn his down, and get in touch with your own feelings. Forget his. Take care of yourself.

wiseriverowl
@wiseriverowl
last year
32 posts

I will keep that in mind I have already talked with a friend and told her that I will be moving once I have my diploma. So hopefully things will work out for the best. I don't want to mess up my schooling.

wiseriverowl
@wiseriverowl
last year
32 posts

Nyla, thank your that I need that today. I have been so focused on keeping him happy that I don't ever stop and think of my self. I think I may take up yoga again, it helped me keep my center. But as always he took that from me as well. Same with dancing, I love to dance, I grew up dancing. it was something I have always wanted tobe apart of again I did itin my college years as well but when I asked him if he'd go with me he'd say sure. then it would always be an excuse as to why we couldn't go. I wasn't allowed to go on my own, or withmy friends. At the time it was maybetwo no I have no friends, Nina is my best friend but she is more like a sister.

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
They love to intimidate people by their words and actions. They like to tear you down with words causing you to loose your self esteem and make you feel hopeless. I have a friend that is married to one and she thinks he will kill her if she leaves. Like I told her "your already dying a slow miserable death right now." No one is excluded from a narcissist grasp, we as Empaths , usually end of as victims in those relationships because we give so many chances and believing they can change. They don't, they only change their manipulation game plan. Narcissist have brilliant minds when it comes to Methods of control. If your plan A was to be "good enough" for him to love you and treat you good and respect you...well, you may want to move on to plan B . Be careful not to start taking on his traits though. Remember, you are of the light. You are beautiful and strong, stronger than he knows.
wiseriverowl
@wiseriverowl
last year
32 posts

Rene, your word really hit home... I have no response other then amen... I have been able to regain some of my freedom. I have found what drives his narcissism down.I use it every change I get.

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Good luck to you, stay strong and remember you are love and you are dearly loved.

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