Narcissist Blindside

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Sarah
@sarah
last year
386 posts

The weirdest thing just happened to me! I'm all freaked out and jarred. I work at a school and my position is a one year run, so I'm done with it in a few days. As soon as I got this job back at the end of October, I instantly had super-through-the-roof anxiety and I got depression so bad, I started worrying for my safety. I was able to get myself some help and get balanced, but the job always felt bad to me and I could never put my finger on why. I worked at the school last year and the beginning of this year and was totally in love with that place. My new job in the school should have been fine, but it always felt bad and anxiety inducing and I always felt off in it, and I could never figure out why. It's only this past month where I don't wake up in a panic every work day.

I started to realize that my supervisor and some of the people who run the school are narcissists. My dad is one and I was his scapegoat kid, so even though I've done a lot of healing, I am still vulnerable to that narcissist/empath dynamic. I thought maybe it wasn't that bad and the problem was me not being able to cope with a full time grown up job--even though I've done that before when my kids were little, and it was just fine.

I've been feeling more and more hopeful and finding ways to enjoy it more as I am closing up the program I run at the school, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm a writer and this job has taken all my writing away, and a lot of the things I love. It's like it's turned off the light inside me. I stayed with it because I'd made a commitment and because I cared about the school (I will always love the kids and the teachers and things, but now I see that it is not a healthy place. I didn't see that in my other position that I had last year and the beginning of this year). Well, today I had my final evaluation by my supervisor and the principal and the state program director. The totally crucified me! It was so weird! It was like when my dad has his narcissist fits. You never know where they came from or what they are really about, but they just come at you like you are being energetically beat up, then he blames you for it. That totally happened today to me!

It wasn't even a real evaluation, it was a punishment. They were on purpose trying to hurt me and I could totally see it. Even when they gave me a "compliment" it was meant as abuse. Like the only thing they gave me a good review on was wearing my required lanyard everyday. WHAT!? They even said I bullied them and created a hostile work environment! It was like being around my narcissist, abusive dad. I could hardly believe it was really happening. I guess that means my supervisor turned the program director and the principal against me. No wonder the poor principal has been weird around me for a few days. I don't know what my supervisor told him, but it must have been bad and it was definitely pretend. No wonder my empath alarms were going full blast when I got this job for me to leave it. I feel mad at myself for not listening.

I just needed to say this out loud because I'm really freaked out. I did some energy work and with all the healing I've done lately, none of that dark energy stuck to me that I could tell, but I'm having trauma symptoms. I just can't believe that happened. Like with every narcissist relationship I've had, which has been a few, I made the mistake of giving way too much and staying way too long. I should learn to stop thinking that if I have panic every day at a job, maybe it's the job that isn't right, not me. I still automatically try and fix myself first and that's one of the things that makes me a narcissist target.

I have two more days at that job and some paperwork stuff to do for them until into next week, but I will be so glad to be out of there. I didn't know it was so sick until today. I knew there were things wrong, but I didn't know it was full blown like being around my dad. :( I'm really sad at working so hard for something that didn't value my work, and mad at myself for thinking the problem was me and sticking with it, and mostly I"m really shaken up.


updated by @sarah: 01/08/17 10:30:50PM
Ecila
@ecila
last year
898 posts

So sorry, Sarah. Be glad to be finished with them and look forward to a bright summer:)

Sarah
@sarah
last year
386 posts

Thank you for listening!

Lavender&rose
@lavenderrose
last year
82 posts

Oh, that sounds awful. Chalk it up to a nasty learning curve. It took me ages to listen and fully trust the rumbles I felt - I thought for a long time it was all me and I was either imagining things or it was my post Narcissist PTSD, or I was too sensitive and a bit nuts, or something.

It's great you'll be out of there in a few days, if I understand correctly. Some people are just bullies, and institutional bullying occurs, and Narcissists tend to be plausible out in the world, and also to develop cohorts of supporters.

Be kind to yourself now. You will recover your equilibrium. And don't beat up on yourself for not listening to yourself. It's how we learn, most times, unfortunately. :)

(I also think that urge to 'fix it' comes from a child place. "This time I'll make it right." For me it just keeps coming up. It's really sad on one level, but also really valiant, that child lingering inside trying to make their living conditions and the crazy people around them come good and finally treat them right.)
Sarah
@sarah
last year
386 posts

Thanks so much for this! It really helps right now to have people listen and respond so kindly. thank you for the very good advise, too.

Sarah
@sarah
last year
386 posts

That was so crazy, I'm having trauma symptoms. I've got the shakes and I'm having trouble remembering all that happened during that evaluation. I had no idea when I woke up early this morning all hopeful and excited to wrap up my job and feel good about what I accomplished that this was going to happen. I can't say I'm surprised about it not going 100% great, but I had no idea it would go this crazy. I'm going to have a hard time going to work for my last two days. I wish I could skip over time and just get it over with.

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