The weirdest thing just happened to me! I'm all freaked out and jarred. I work at a school and my position is a one year run, so I'm done with it in a few days. As soon as I got this job back at the end of October, I instantly had super-through-the-roof anxiety and I got depression so bad, I started worrying for my safety. I was able to get myself some help and get balanced, but the job always felt bad to me and I could never put my finger on why. I worked at the school last year and the beginning of this year and was totally in love with that place. My new job in the school should have been fine, but it always felt bad and anxiety inducing and I always felt off in it, and I could never figure out why. It's only this past month where I don't wake up in a panic every work day.
I started to realize that my supervisor and some of the people who run the school are narcissists. My dad is one and I was his scapegoat kid, so even though I've done a lot of healing, I am still vulnerable to that narcissist/empath dynamic. I thought maybe it wasn't that bad and the problem was me not being able to cope with a full time grown up job--even though I've done that before when my kids were little, and it was just fine.
I've been feeling more and more hopeful and finding ways to enjoy it more as I am closing up the program I run at the school, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm a writer and this job has taken all my writing away, and a lot of the things I love. It's like it's turned off the light inside me. I stayed with it because I'd made a commitment and because I cared about the school (I will always love the kids and the teachers and things, but now I see that it is not a healthy place. I didn't see that in my other position that I had last year and the beginning of this year). Well, today I had my final evaluation by my supervisor and the principal and the state program director. The totally crucified me! It was so weird! It was like when my dad has his narcissist fits. You never know where they came from or what they are really about, but they just come at you like you are being energetically beat up, then he blames you for it. That totally happened today to me!
It wasn't even a real evaluation, it was a punishment. They were on purpose trying to hurt me and I could totally see it. Even when they gave me a "compliment" it was meant as abuse. Like the only thing they gave me a good review on was wearing my required lanyard everyday. WHAT!? They even said I bullied them and created a hostile work environment! It was like being around my narcissist, abusive dad. I could hardly believe it was really happening. I guess that means my supervisor turned the program director and the principal against me. No wonder the poor principal has been weird around me for a few days. I don't know what my supervisor told him, but it must have been bad and it was definitely pretend. No wonder my empath alarms were going full blast when I got this job for me to leave it. I feel mad at myself for not listening.
I just needed to say this out loud because I'm really freaked out. I did some energy work and with all the healing I've done lately, none of that dark energy stuck to me that I could tell, but I'm having trauma symptoms. I just can't believe that happened. Like with every narcissist relationship I've had, which has been a few, I made the mistake of giving way too much and staying way too long. I should learn to stop thinking that if I have panic every day at a job, maybe it's the job that isn't right, not me. I still automatically try and fix myself first and that's one of the things that makes me a narcissist target.
I have two more days at that job and some paperwork stuff to do for them until into next week, but I will be so glad to be out of there. I didn't know it was so sick until today. I knew there were things wrong, but I didn't know it was full blown like being around my dad. I'm really sad at working so hard for something that didn't value my work, and mad at myself for thinking the problem was me and sticking with it, and mostly I"m really shaken up.
updated by @sarah: 01/08/17 10:30:50PM