Why do I feed bad for not helping someone?

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TigerLily
@tigerlily
last year
309 posts
I've been doing really good staying away from negative people or people with deep rooted issues. It was really weighing me down. Since I broke from that I've been so much happier. My coworker is going through a really hard time and just started talking to me about it, and originally I thought "here we go again" I told him already once to not speak to me anymore about this and to keep it professiobal. Today he was really sad and he tried several times to talk but I pushed him away.But why do I feel bad about it? All day I could feel him dying inside to talk to me about his issues. Anyone have any good advice on how I can start not feeling so bad?
updated by @tigerlily: 01/09/17 08:42:14AM
kristen
@kristen
last year
20 posts
Its hard your always going to have that feeling to some degree lingering in the back of your mind..its in your nature to want to help others so when you have to shut somebody down it feels unnatural..i still struggle with that and haven't found the answer but I'm sure somebody else here has the advice your looking for but to make the feeling go away you more than likely can't and why would you want to do away from it all together? Its who you are its your compassion shining through your heart your soul its part of what makes you you..its a gift to feel f sorrow or bad for someone else its humanity. The best that you may find here is a way to cope with feeling that way and the situation but don't wish it away as terrible as it makes you feel it is better to feel deep than to feel nothing at all you've been blessed
Shadow
@shadow
last year
11 posts

I usually fail at this as even though i try to push others away, i generally end up listening and absorbing their pain. Even on the few occasions that i have avoided a situation, i have still felt the pain lingering on the fringes for a bit afterwords. Think its just part of how we are. In your situation, since avoiding is almost impossible at such close range, maybe you have to bite the bullet and take the pain. It's always left me hollow and hurt after experiences such as this, but sometimes i have seen those whom were unloading on me become better, all be it sometimes only temporarily. This in turn changes the environment around me and over time might lessen some of the residual. Just don't let them become dependent on you and afterwords find somewhere, I preferably try to make sure i'm alone, and let that pain out of you to the best of your ability. I find cursing at a punching bag helps me a little (hence finding the alone spot so you don't get to many eyes on you)

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
When you figure that out, please let me know. I'm OCD when it come to cleaning house and I cannot go to bed unless I have everything done on my list or I can't go to sleep. I think, as healers, we are the same way. We have a need to make everyone feel better in order to feel better ourselves. My dad use to quote an old military quote "no man left of the battle field. ". I think that is true for us also. When I feed my pets , I have to stop and talk to each one of them because if I don't I'm afraid the one I skipped will be sad. I can't stand the thought of that. I'm like that by humans also. It's great you have learned to back away when your energy is being drain and remember you can send love and light from a distance. But I know what you are saying though. It's hard to walk away when someone is falling to pieces.
kristen
@kristen
last year
20 posts
Lol i love your response..unfortunatly i have no place to do that but feel like it a lot..i have a husband who doesn't think i require an outlet andi have two little feet that follow me everwhere i go and two little eyes that watch every move i make
TigerLily
@tigerlily
last year
309 posts
But that's the thing, helping others not always makes me feel good long term. Because at the end of the day I'm drained and bitter and cranky. I can do what I can to clear it. But as you mention, he'll become dependent on me. Then I just dump on others, or I lock myself in my home.The whole reason why I opted to keep at a distance from these people because I was depressed and had alot of anxiety. The day I had a few of my personal close friends all coming at me through text with their issues, my heart rate was 115. IT felt like I was at the gym. I knew at this point this wasn't healthy and told each one to just stop. And these are my girls, people I love and care for. So with strangers, my blood pressure must be through the roof.Since then I have never felt better, my confidence and self esteem has improved. And "I" feel so happy! I haven't felt this happy in a long time.As for my coworker, I've only known for a few months. His issues/problems are real, and yes hard to go through right now. But as my friend told, it's his destiny in life to go through and not mine. She did say it's not fair, and that he sounds like an energy vampire. I seriously thought I was going to have a heart attack yesterday from his emotions.Whenever this happens, I just feel like energy around me like someone is watching me. I like to think it's my guardian angels. As when I'm happy I don't feel this energy presence as much.
Bookworm
@bookworm
last year
85 posts
I really like the what you said about the quote from your dad - that really resonated with me!
Lavender&rose
@lavenderrose
last year
82 posts

Like you said, he's you coworker. He's not one of your chosen friends. It's sad he's having intense personal issues, but you are not his paid counsellor. If he was a close friend you might be prepared to be supportive, but even then you'd be wrecked by it and have to have your limits.

The fact that we get physically affected by their stuff would be incomprehensible to someone in his state. I find myself in this position a lot, where I feel mean and they're telling me I am mean, for not getting involved and 'helping'/dying for them - but I just can't do it to myself any more.

Keep up your own happiness and protective energies. Tell him to talk to a counsellor, or if it's a big company do they have an HR person or something? His stuff is not yours to fix.

TigerLily
@tigerlily
last year
309 posts
Lavender you nailed it! I'm always told I'm mean if I don't listen or be there for someone. But again, he is a coworker and not family or close friends.Today my coworker tried to talk to me about his problems again and I set the boundaries again, only he didn't allow me to finish, He got so mad he stomped away and slammed stuff around his desk. His responses were cold and shutting me out in work related things.And to think, I feel bad for him and he throws a temper tantrum. He made me feel like a terrible person. I left early and went home and cried. Called my boss.
Alison
@alison
last year
71 posts

I've just read a really good book about this http://www.amazon.com/Self-Care-Self-Aware-Sensitive-Empaths-Intuit... Self care for the self aware. A guide for highly sensitive people, empaths, intuitives and healers.

The author provides a clear explanation of why he believes that other people's problems are not for us to sort out and why, in his opinion, it's detrimental to try to heal another person's pain. He also provides exercises for returning energy that's not yours.

I haven't tried the exercises but found the explanation hugely helpful in understanding why we're so inclined to take on other's 'stuff'. He says that we are more aware of a sense of oneness and spiritual connectedness but that actually disables us in the physical world if we we don't have clear boundaries (and understanding enables us to set boundaries). I recommend it.

TigerLily
@tigerlily
last year
309 posts
Thank you! I'm most definitely going to get the book.Update. Since this incident he has not spoken to me at work and my boss told me I basically needed to be a little more sympathetic to his feelings. How is this blowing up in my face? I really don't understand.

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