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kristen
@kristen
last year
20 posts
I feel so tired and lonely lately and I've realized something that I'm not quite sure how to deal with. i have always been drawn to reach out and help people and animals things that had nothing to do with me that affected others has and does brings tears to my eyes..but sadly i have blocked out a lot through out my life I've always felt things so intensly and there was either nothing i could do about me or hurt me so much that i i built a wall to soften the blow or miss it all together..I've learned to step away from my natural instincts. and its not that i don't feel it i do and i feel lost and in mysery a lot of the times li and that I'm not doing what I'm suppose to be doing in this life..but i have no clue what it is..it feels unnatural. to me and i really just want to be me again but i don't know how trying to block these things hasnt helped i still feel them a lot but if i am the way i was meant to be then that scares people or they find it odd or try to contain me..i feel trapped on the inside as well as out..i just want to be me for once its been a long long time I'm 32 and i have a child he doesn't deserve the bitter person i have become..i have a husband who is bipolar schitzophrenic..he drains me and keeps me down but i love him i genuinly care for him and want to still keep trying to help him i have thought about leaving a time or two but i am a loyal person and i have a hard time giving up on people and i keep on thinking would you leave a person who has cancer its not their fault just like his mental health is not his..but everything negative he feels even when he doesn't say anything hits me like a ton of bricks and i scramble to try to fix it because its begining to suffocate me but to no avail..i have to keep a distance with the people i really want to hold close and sometimes i push them all together out of my mind for a while to numb the connection..i want to help people i. i randomly see i get drawn to strangers sometimes i feel like their something really wrong or they're ill or need some type of help..not all the time of course..i have problems making friends its hard to find someone i can connect with on that level I'm friendly and nice but i have also become weary of people because they are usually off or fake or bringing so much negative vibes to the table i just find them too exausting..its not that i dont care or want to reach out to someone I'm lonely i want friends not even my husband is really my friend.. i can't connect with him hardly anymore and i thought if there was anyone i could be myself around it would have been him but i was too much wanted to help to much care to much that like a lot of other people i have scared him he shuts himself o ff..because what i feel and put off is too intense too close to home for his comfort..so I'm left alone with everything no outlet..I'm just ready to tap into the true me again and find my purpose..but i don't know how sorry for rambling or if this doesn't make much sense i just wrote it as i was thinking it and my thoughts come and go faster than i can write them..thanks for reading
updated by @kristen: 03/15/17 08:44:02AM
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Hello Kristen. Yes, I understand everything you said. I have been there and it's a lonely place to be , I know. Do you meditate ? That is a sure way of finding and healing yourself. Yes, there are so many fake people in this world. It's ashamed they don't take the time to know someone. But they are usually caught up in themselves. Is your husbands condition controlled by medication ? Your taking on every one else's feelings it sounds like. It's had to carry every one else's burdens around. I know. I have tried it but I just can't do it. I understand you are pushing people away and I know it is to get some relief but you should try cutting cords during meditation. And get very grounded. That will help also. So sorry your life is so grim. Your husbands condiction is what's worrying you the most , isn't it. I hope he is getting help with that. His condiction will become yours also so be careful.
kristen
@kristen
last year
20 posts
Rene i have recently been diagnosed with clinical depression and i am having health issues imune system stuff..and as bad as i don't want to say it i know it has been his mental health impacting me..don't get me wrong i have my own issues and i have experienced short bouts of depression some of which i think was somebody else's at times i say short because they come on and eventually go away but this has been around and doesn't let up much i think it me some but i think the darker unrelenting stuff may be comming from him. idk very complicated to try to explain..he did for a few months last year take medication but has stopped and when he's ok he's not so much ok as things are not bothering him so bad and when he's not ok things are really bleak..he hears voicessss which really worries me he once mentioned when we were talking about medication to make the voices go away that he really didn't want to because they have always been there and he was scared to just alk if a sudden not have them there..i told him that his voices were self talk that everyone has inner dialogue and that he wouldn't loose that it just that there is something nurilogical that is goung on in his brain that is individualizing and departmentalizing certain thoughts and it was a way to disconnect . Anyway he wasn't buying inti it..this stuff ofcourse worries me his dark moods and thoughts are more often than not he gets irrational sometimes. he smokes weed and it helps some when he does it the right way but he over does it more than he does right which makes it harder to communucate or connect with him because he likes to numb himself. and disconect all together makes it hard to to anthing with him or get him to be apart of things ect..you know how weed can be..i have discussed his lthis with him told him i didn't like it but he is adamit that he wve pushed so hard for him and try so mucj to help him but its an uphill battle at times..a lot of the times..everything has been wearing me down and he is my constant source bc i live with him..i only want good for him u know?l never quit smoking..i haab
kristen
@kristen
last year
20 posts
Sorry couple lines got jumbled toward the end hope you can make sense of it.
kristen
@kristen
last year
20 posts
I find it hard to meditate my thoughts are always racing always dealing with some intense feelings or worrying and I'm too full of nervous energy..i wish i could
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Ok. The weed is self medicating. I haven't smoked it in over 20 years but I do remember how much it calmed my mind. I will say before you can help someone heal you have to heal yourself. I understand what is happening while you are trying to meditate but it you would try it every day, just 10 min. Even when you can't cal. Your mind, if you keep trying, it will start working. Have you tried guided meditation on you tube. It helps following someone elses voice when you can't calm your mind. The breathing help also. I usually do it at night when everyone is asleep and the house is quiet. And I have one other suggestion. Have you thought your husband may be an intuitive The voices he heard may be really a form of communication from beyond. Just something to think about. Maybe he needs to try meditation if he believes in it. My husband doesn't but does not stop me. Listen. Make a list of everything that is depressing you and look at that list. Look for the things you can Actually changed and what you can not change. Start by changing what you can and mark it off. The things you cannot change , cut cords to it. You really have to try at this. Make it do able. I don't know if your religious but if you are pray also. I'm sending you love and light and peace to you sweet girl.
Matthias
@matthias
last year
3 posts

Peace is found at the end of every conflict thoughtfully and lovingly resolved. Our ESP (elevated sense of perception, I find it to be a more accurate description), gives us an opportunity that not everyone is provided. We are acutely aware of our surroundings in any given moment, and once awakened, we are shown the things that we are meant to be shown, hear the things that we are meant to hear, and feel the things that we are meant to fill <---- I nearly removed this typo, but when I read it i found it to be honest, and left it. The universe connects and communicates with us in ways that are beyond even our understanding at times. We can not expect understanding from others, but we can be open to receiving it. It the universe communicates with you, then inversely you can communicate with it, all roads are necessarily two way, as you can choose to go one or the other, the only question now is which way you will go and how you will travel it. If we are aware then we are drawn to those things of which we are aware, either on purpose, or on accident. Purpose indicates growth, a lack of growth indicates stagnation or moratorium. Growth does occur on accident, but it definitely benefits from a stable environment conducive to ones' goals. We program ourselves one we are awakened. Do you want to win? If so you may take victory in this one thing, but another conflict will always come, it is necessary. So it is no longer about winning, winning reduces your options. Winning is always winning, But NOT LOSING could be any other thing. Consider all the perspectives that you have been the gift to perceive before making the decision. If someone else KNEW how you were feeling how would you like them to use this information? Be the change you want to see. I do not know you, but I do see, feel, and hear you. I hope this message finds any and all who need it.

kristen
@kristen
last year
20 posts
Thank you rene for taking the time to talk to me i had concidered that at one point but its all so negative that its hard to beleive its anything else..he is text book as far as the voices go and if they are something else then i still worry for him nevause not only does he create and draw negative energies he draws negative entities which are also dangerous...only my husband knows this until now and i feel. compelled tp share it since we are talking about the subject..we were doing a ghost box he really wanted to try it i didn't but he insisted almost automatically. they started trying to talk to me they were wanting my help said my name described me and my son said they were lost..my heart went out to whatever but at the same time it scares me to no end..i asked them if they knew gpd they said sort of and i said i was sorry that i had to stop talking and couldn't help them that i had to watch out for me and my family i didn't know if they were good or bad and i couldn't put myself at risk one said she wont help us and another said we understand..i have had a couple of weird things like that happen to me but i find that i struggle with what's right with religious things i am spiritualvery spiritual. i beleive that there is a god and i and its just really hard to tell what's ok or what's not when you feel these things and these things reach out to you without you really trying they come to you or are instilled om you ect..you get it i hope..anyway i the point was i hope for the sake of my family that its not any negative entities. that havr attached them selves to him..sorry if i got off track or rambled too much..wrote this half asleep.. i am going to look into cord cutting hopping maybe its something i can actually make work for me..thanks again
Ecila
@ecila
last year
898 posts

I lived with a bipolar/sociopath for 17 years. I loved him and felt sorry for him and wanted to help him. It finally came down to the realization that there was no helping him and he would sink. The only question left was will I sink with him? I finally left with PTSD and depression that took years to overcome. I can't say if your situation is in any way similar to mine, but there often comes a point in life that you have to think of yourself if you want to live. Rene is so right that his illness will become yours, or some version of it. It is noble to care for others in pain, but we must also include ourselves in that caring. We count just as much.

There were other reasons from my past that caused me to not let go of that relationship (absent father, narcissists everywhere growing up). Could there be something from your past that makes you feel you are not worthy of a happy life and your only worth comes from taking care of others?

All the best to you.

Shadow
@shadow
last year
11 posts

You are not alone. Don't ever let the pressures, hate, or negativity win. I am probably not the best to give advice as i struggle with control myself, usually resorting to alcohol and debauchery to try and block out reality, but there are some other things i've tried that sometimes work for me. Meditation is usually a no go, as it's hard for me to stop my thoughts, but i have been able to relax and unwind by laying in the bath and listening to music or i have a rain generator that seems to calm me down a bit. In social setting i try to steer conversations towards a more jovial end and try to make others laugh. Though this is not ideally helpful to myself, it does seem to change the moods of those around me away from the darkness that is usually there and that in turn relieves some weight from me. I hope some of this helps even though its not much and if you ever need an ear i'll try to be around. Luck to ya and yours

kristen
@kristen
last year
20 posts
I felt so weird talking about the supernatural stuff in my last post and nervous to share..so sorry if i made anyone uncomfortable with it i promise i was very uncomfortable even saying anything lol..i wanted to aknowledge matthias..what yove said has really struck a cord with me thank you so much if you read this you are gifted in encouraging others sending positive energy to another..you are truely a beautiful soul.
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Have you tried to cleanse your house eithe sage
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
With sage. Sorry my phone spells for it self sometimes
kristen
@kristen
last year
20 posts
Thank you so much shadow I have done some simular things to deal with it or try to shut it out but all it seems to have done is made things worse and i have lost touch with a lot of myself in the process i have a drink from time to time when things are so intense i feel like I'm comming unhinged..but i try to stay away from things like that for the most part i may not know the answer and i might be a basket case but i beleive its importaint to feel to the fullest extent even though i have tried to deflect it myself i don't want to rely on drugs or such to find peace. i think its nessesary to feel hurt and go through trials but but sometimes its so unrelentling so unforgiving the hurt and frustration and feeling the need to put a bandaid on the world and realize that your restricted restricted by society by finance or situation or by yourself..u know sorry if jumbled multi tasking...i wish that i knew what it is I'm supose tp be doing right now..I'm thirty two and feel like i havr wasted so much time i feel guilty starved and desperate to serve my purpose in this world to finally do something i was born to do and actually good at..I've not been very good at the things I've done in my life career wise and i know its because it wasn't where my heart was at where my talent lies but it seems difficult to find a type of profession that fits that..i have never been good with math or had the finances for school and that has detoured me..especially the math..you have to be able to pass everything you know..my ability is to read people observe them and their emotions be able to tap into or relate to them offer comfort share their sorrowsect..sorry for rambling lol..anyway thanks again for your comment.
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Honey, you can't make us uncomfortable talking about the supernatural, not me anyway. We know the forces out there. And that's why we are here.
Shadow
@shadow
last year
11 posts

No worries. I'm 36 myself and am also still searching for what to do in this world. Egotistically, i've been good at just about any job i've ever had, but i also generally end up sabotaging myself. One of the cool things this "gift" has allotted me is that i tend to go off on people whom I sense are bad, negative, manipulative, or uncaring when i can't take their darkness anymore. This unfortunately happens more than i like and i usually end up having to find a new job.

As far as the supernatural aspect, I'm sure there is quite a bit that people have experienced, but are just as apprehensive in talking about it as you. I found a long time ago that it doesn't always receive positive response from regulars. Here i wouldn't worry about it so much. Either they have experienced similar thing and will open up to you as well with their experiences, or at worst it would be same as talking to regulars and you lose really nothing as this is just a faceless blog (no offense to everyone). Either way its always good to get things off your chest/out of the head :)

kristen
@kristen
last year
20 posts
Yeah i tend to react like that sometimes gets me in trouble can't contain it and if i don't it usually gets so bad that i have to step away from it..doesn't make for a good resume and you have to make up some bogus reason for what happened because the truth isnt realistic to the average person they're like just ignore it or id jack that person up..its not in my nature to hurt others i want peace and harmony but also its hard to ignore the bells when they're going off.
kristen
@kristen
last year
20 posts
It difficult to work in close proximity to someone who is oozing negativity who are scheming and coniving people who get their kicks from hurting others.
kristen
@kristen
last year
20 posts
No i don't know how to do that..does it work well?
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
I use white sage. Well.. For it working well, I would say yes if the energy is willing to leave. Some are standoffish. I keep thinking about your husband. Did his mental illness start before you moved into your home or after. Have y'all played games trying to see or hear spirits ? If your home really old or in and really old neighborhood.?
kristen
@kristen
last year
20 posts
Only allowed him to do that once i don't like to dabble into things like that it honestly scares me the few experiences i have had..yes this has been going on since before me he has always been bipolar the schitzophrenia ever since he can remember he says he has heard vouoices and seen a shadowy figure who he calls ralph..says ralph has suggested suicide and things like that..it bothers me because i feel that its a demon that has latched on to him and he struggles a lot...i alqays felt like dark entites were draging him down and there was a lot of negative talk goung on in his head a lot of displaced feelings and accusations .it was just confirmed by him with out a doubt recently that he sees and hears things..he talks about leaving his body a lot too.
kristen
@kristen
last year
20 posts
The most I've played with in the past have been tarrot cards and its not like i had put much stock in them just a tool i used to read people and entertain them a little
kristen
@kristen
last year
20 posts
In the begining we had some weird things go on..we live in a trailer park its an old trailer..when we first moved in i hung beads in the hallway enterance to divide the house up a little the beads would move and rattle on theie own..and in white noise like the bath tub faucet makes when running water would sound like you could hear things sometimes..i tried best to ignore it..sometimes when i walk inro the house it feels uncomfortable
Ecila
@ecila
last year
898 posts

Your husband will have to be willing to let go of these energies/entities and he probably isn't in a well enough mental state to do that. Sounds like he has welcomed them since he has even given one a name. I hope you can find a way to focus on yourself. Get rid of the fear you have. These energies thrive on fear, weakness, mental illness and drug abusers. If you are committed to staying with him, you can try to fight the darkness but it will take lots of strength and time and the outcome will depend largely on your husbands state of mind, willingness, and ability to heal himself. . . also on your strength to endure and overcome. I feel that even if the dark energies are conquered, you still have his illness as a permanent issue which will perpetuate the energies to come back. Sorry to be negative here. I just hate seeing people suffer like you when it reminds me so much of what I went through.

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
last year
783 posts
Hi...I'm sorry...but I hear voices too....they are NOT a mental illness...I took meds for a while and really they do nothing...i've since come to the conclusion I am Clairaudient. ..and the voices are actually spirit...and crap people carry in their energy...I thot at one time i too was schizophrenic....had quite a few tests...and all was normal....except for my b12...so...if your husband has a chance he should look up Clairaudience....and he will also be an empath...as I am as well....
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
last year
783 posts
The supernatural is a part of my life everyday....lol...I used to be afraid ...but now I don know what i'd do if I lost my connection to it...lol...I know you need a breather from your husband...but he's in need of help too with this gift of his...
Cat Whisperer
@cat-whisperer
last year
726 posts
You don't need to apologize, the supernatural are everywhere....its just that most don't see, feel or sense it.
Eva
@eva
last year
13 posts
Thanks Kristen for this post and Matthias your reply was really helpful :)

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