I wish I could understand more

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Kate
@kate
last year
131 posts

It is so complicated I don't even know very well where to start with.

First of all, I am worried about what I can generate. I have some powerful energies running under the surface and I can influence the people around me the same way that i can be influenced as well, and it took me years to learn to control and reduce my "sponginess" and inclination to attract the negative energies in a social setting or environment. Coincidentally, I've always had a big need to express myself artistically or verbally as well and thus I don't only paint, draw, sculpt but also had some nice experiences with a theater crew! :) I also have a never ending love and curiosity for nature and animals, though I read with interest about all scientific fields, and I really wish i could work for the betterment of our environment and implicitly, us.

Now that is only a small resume, as way too many things happen around me. I cannot and have never told anyone about my own... spiritual quests and right now I am annoyed at myself for not being able to correctly put myself out there and make people understand my intentions. While I do value privacy and I do not trust easily by any means, it was so hard to combine my 2 realities, the psychical and spiritual life with the daily one... I want to sketch some quick notes: I can and have correctly predicted events, I can feel certain outcomes, I scan people and can tell the type of thoughts going through their head and especially if I or a person I know is related to them, this form of scan i would describe as sending a thought on the same frequency and knowing whether is right by feeling if it "clicks" or not, i.e. does not have "echo". I've talked and met some very interesting and different people, some part of Reiki courses, another energy therapuetist lady that treated sportsmen and others and had some amazing gits on the same lines of "identifying an illness hidden or forming" and their cause, and some more weird ones... sometimes, i do thank god to my individuality for I just won't let myself fall into someone else's projections. I did struggle with that too though. Apparently and as I have found out, my grand-grand mother had psychic gifts and did readings for the people in her village during the WW2, and my mother also has precognitive dreams.

Worst of all though and coming back to the original story, I am neglecting myself. Then, or more exactly, now, I am also neglecting my sleep, my eating hours to talk to someone who probably does not appreciate half of it, and yet i still do it, even though i usually keep a considerable distance, as i might have fallen for him, because, well, it just happened. I can also get sudden images about people or pieces of information about something they hide or deeply wish for, and being sensible with that has been my second nature, as I simply cannot promote or spread hate if i receive or see. What I also cannot do is having a similar life to everyone of my age. I am not coming by any means from an extremely religious or weird-oriented family and in fact I appear pretty much normal, if not for some quirks. However, I know very well how many hours i have dedicated reading about less... mainstream subjects as I felt pressured to maybe by my own desire to become a better person? I mean, i was my own worst enemy... still am probably... ranging from esoteric subjects to this one (empathy). I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs and even though I am 20 and thankfully been gifted with good looking genes, I never had (and refused to more times!) any physical sexual relationship, because i have this... i don t even know how to call it, huge inner stubbornness that I will know and be ok with finally accepting someone in this way when the right time comes, and I had to find countless reason to explain my family or my friends or be veery vague about it to escape the "you're old enough get a boyfriend already!" remarks... ah, fun times. I do not waste myself in clubs either, I like other types of human interaction and fun, I guess my presence can get just too serious sometimes especially when dealing with emotionally unstable people.

I will get back to the subject I started that, despite all this, I might have fallen for someone even though we fight way too much and for way too many stupid reasons. And yet I can't stop caring, like a promise that i never articulated but it's there even though sometimes this link to him feels draining, and annoying, and useless. It starts with an image of this person that I got at one point in the past, a deep desire (his) of not being left alone, and to describe the image, it was a hug, and him crying in an airport, and... at the moment, however, i took it as a projection. While the setting might have been real, the person he was hugging/crying/telling that they ll meet again was his fear. Well, he did open up to me a lot... he's a third culture kid, had to go with his parents in a lot of countries and leave his natal one and his friends there and, well, he did miss a few more things. So I linked the sudden image to what he told me, and the pull was pretty strong. I simply have this understanding for him that he also had for me when it came to certain subjects and yet there is something that gets in between and, probably, while I feel the situation is not only strong but also serious, he's been trying to minimize everything, with some not so cool results. I also want to say that it's a long distance thing and it is also probably the idea that we can't meet... him with his things and college me with mine and yet it is weird how 2 people can get so close at times that I couldn't really get him out of my head. And yet I feel hurt, a lot, by this thing. I'm not even sure what i am trying. I am also being pretty vague while describing this, I know... sometimes I think, maybe I am exaggerating and it s only me perceiving my thoughts and feelings so strong. However, there is a big however here... We've had a few coincidences going on, thinking the same things, saying and writing the same things on more occasion, which did make us become closer. We're playing the strategy game lol... yay... And the bomb he dropped that he kept being under the impression that we've met somewhere before. And i have had similar feelings about simply knowing who and when to trust and I was right, people that i have never met. In fact, one of my actual best friends, also sensible and loving animals and following Arts, only one year bigger than me that has studied abroad as well, is someone I met for the first time 7 years ago on a forum and we just knew we could trust each other. And it is not the only thing that happened in this category. They happen, and they are real, and you can take them as a gift. Most important for all, i want and appreciate friendship, honesty, and love but, not the passion for the opposite gender type of love coming from such friendships.

Then I remember from past experiences, that i do things that seem out of the blue and weird and later make perfect sense and help a situation arrange itself. Well, not all, of course. Or maybe, what do I know. And I realize this one has a meaning as well, but it s so obscure at the moment it's weird and i struggle not to also let another negative feeling that i perceive as lingering about kick in. I wish I could have helped him somehow without him remaining "indebted" or whatever. Oh and there also is another problem with a girl he's never met but which seemed very prone to online relationships with all kinds of desperate people and many if not most of our fights started from this topic, and while it's been decided we do what we can/want with our lives it still remains a push-go thing between who's more moral and who judges the situation more... it's weird and it will remain weird. Getting a grasp of myself in a more serious manner (thus, mentally speaking) I believe I should just get rid of such connections with people that are effectively toxic and bring so much sadness and are prone to fighting. That "other girl topic" has grown into a serious problem, for some reasons. And yet, your guts also have something different to say. How funny. How sad.

The stubbornness.

Are we made of stars? More than we imagine but then again, I wish to understand more about my own capacities, and why I hurt/neglect myself like I struggle with (not!) doing. The city I am staying in right now is not a helping hand by any means, as it's a stressed and polluted environment essentially, though, a welcomed change from my natal town, albeit it doesn't foster my creative tendencies either, but now with college... i guess for a limited amount of years it works. I can also be perceived as pretty "out of there" by some, and it's kinda true, I can easily space out in all kinds of situations :))

I believe I just wanted to talk about a small part of what is going on in my life at the moment, form a perspective that the society has, for some reason, placed in the taboo category. For me, life has a strong spiritual layer i cannot ignore or mimic not feeling, and I can see a situation from more perspectives. I tend to measure myself (and my inner blockages if i get them for whatever reason or without realising) while interacting with kids and animals. There are so many things to tell about or discuss... scattered impressions and feelings about the society and the world in itself and some "hidden truths" and they are all beautiful in my opinion, but first there are these physical (or maybe just psychical? and personal) barriers that must be overcome.

I would greately appreciate any kind of answer, as abstract as it might get or just a tiny bit related to what i have written, but at least, an opinion, or personal experience about your own efforts or weird happening that made you ask yourself: why am I doing this? Where am I heading to? Should I trust my intuition?

Well...

Thanks for reading


updated by @kate: 02/08/17 04:29:26AM
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Wow... hello Empath. So glad to met you. Your not weird. Your a normal Empath. But if you could ask doeiect questions, we maybe able to help or help relieve your stress. Are you normal? Yes, our kind of normal. Everyone here can identify with some parts of your post. Some of us have your gifts also. So ask away.
Kate
@kate
last year
131 posts

Hi Rene... thanks for responding xD

Concrete question... hah, well, to put it straight, I am well aware of my ability to hear thoughts on a daily basis. It's not continuous by any means, it's not overwhelming either, albeit i suspect it used to be back ago when i had no idea how to control anything much. I also noticed a huge difference in my mind when returning in a city from the mountains/a trip to wilderness. It just so happens at certain moments when i get an insight about the person i am talking to, but not always then either. It's not... how to call it, schizo LOL or idk what else. I am pretty much normal from other points of view except i have these (confirmed from more than one friend) moments of synchronicity. It even happened in the dreams department, but other than a few exceptions they remains myself xD. A lot with my father as well, in a way that surprised him as well, and me too. Mentally talking (maybe as a self-suggestion of sanity) I have always been among the best in my school and college atm.

I grew up from being very suspicious about these things (spirituality in this way - the same as my environment/parents were) to believing in some more due to the things i have gone through and the desire i had to know/read/understand more about how the world works. And i used to think, not that i still don't judge, that people exagerrating with spiritual stuff are, plainly put, crazy, imbalanced and not the type of people i would like to have in my life.

It is funny however, when I think about it, my first best friend I ever had has a really strong spiritual streak... imagination, creativity, love for animals, and was passionated about spirituality, again, at a age at which i barely understood what she was trying to tell me and i kept being resistant towards it. She even made "aura reading" tests and guessing in tarot cards when we were in the 3rd-4th grade, and believed or wanted to believe in spirits. She uh... we grew up separate ways though, as at one point i grew more accepting and balanced but she... well... made some very weird choices... to be honest, she became a whacko in a way. Put herself together at one point again, but having seen her in those postures... well. And she became a quite popular girl too, in general and high school. I forgave or gave up any negative feeling in the end. There are still a couple of things I do not understand.

We did have a beautiful friendship while we were young, though.

Why I am very sad is how little people i find to function in the same parameters as myself. I don't have to be told things to know or guess them for example, and I can tell emotions apart miles away even if I am talking to the other one who is in front of a screen. Oh, yes, discovered synchronicity in thoughts and others are from form being conditioned by distance or screens. I tried training myself, actually, to learn to discern and very important, not cleanse my own fears that i might mingle with the information i get or even worse, send it to others (And they will feel it)

I even suspected at one point I met a soulmate... it is one of the most hurtful links for me though, and I just hate it for the fact that we fights for stupid things, and, in my opinion, for him not being honest. I find the absence of honesty, the other not being able to confess to you at some point one of the worst things. Too coward to accept the aftermath of his doings or talk about it, yet not able to correctly follow a better path towards trust either. And the problem with my impressions/opinions is that, even if i cannot explain them at a given moment, they prove themselves later on, even if they are denied by the person in cause. As we all know, denial is not the first step to changing something...

This text that i have written is my question :( ... i need a feedback of some kind... i can't stop thinking, how can people be like that, contemplate and see how society is becoming colder how you "can't trust people", "they are so mean" and yet, when they are given kindness and patience and care, they rip them apart with those self-imposed mantras/self-defeating ideologies. What is the gene that makes some people so differently wired, in a less humanitarian/good sense, and more in a bad one?

I cannot help but combine a bit the subjects, tell about myself and then a different experience as there are so many things i'd want to say but it's not the place nor the time and who the heck reads these :P So basically, I'm just writing fragments. And by the way, what do you call that noise around people's "head" area? ^^ Quite strong around those with more artistic tendencies, but, far from being visual, i perceive it as noise, thicker atmosphere... or liability to being "scanned" xD. I enjoy doing that though (scanning), in a way. I am just trying to understand. And I just get hurt in environments or among people that do not permit me to detach or feel in it a threat.

I know I had the tendency to drift off, to retreat, too much. But, I needed it, and i still do, a lot. Because the moments when i should be/have been doing it, I was not correctly let to. I guess I am talking about meditation of some kind. Battery recharging.

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
To start off with, I have a lot of coincidences, and I have come to realize nothing happens by chance. I think our spirituality makes us more aware of reality then the normal human being. But , of course, we dare to dream and look for the similarities in our coincidences. And we know there is a pattern there.To me, soulmates are put in our paths for a reason..to learn from them. Usually a person mets a few soul mates before finding their twin flame. I'm thankful for all the soulmates that I have met on my journey. They have tested me and help make my senses stronger. I don't believes in problems, just situation , and yes, I have found myself in many painful situations on my journey. At the time I may have thought the pain was so great that I would die but I'm still here and I'm telling you, it makes your stronger. And for the liers...well...they are everywhere. And most of the human race has become desensitized to liers and narcissism the just take what is handed to them and go about their lives. We as Empaths are walking lie detectors. It comes along with our gifts.The wilderness is so grounding and protecting. I feel like it's my hiding place. I can see where if someone live in a city finding it hard to leave a wilderness to go back to the terrible world of apathy. That's why I live in the county.We live in a world where raping 3 month old babies and pouring gas on dogs and sitting them on fire is begaining to become normal. If it wasn't , the monsters committing these crimes would not make it to a trial. They would be killed on the spot. I could not work in law enforcement. People are cruel, mean and manulating. And we are the lucky ones that get to shop, side by side with these people in stores and we feel the ugly rank feeling in their minds. That's why learning to ground and protecting ourselves are so important. My alone time is a must. I love to be by myself. It gives me time to heal and to collect my thoughts and find my center because that's where my love is. I meditate everyday. But I also set in the woods to just be in the moment. To breath the air and to see the love of the animals.I was once held down by religion. Mans religion. What he has turned it into to suit his own needs and to judge others. I no longer claim to be part of a certain religion. I am a child of the Devine spirit. I try hard to only walk in the light. I no longer have hate in my heart. I do get angry from time to time at stupidity and greed. But I love everyone, and have learned to love from a distance.I hope I have helped you a little bit. I can only tell you how I feel. Everyone is different but also the same. We don't all have the same gifts but we are all gifted.
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
I almost forgot. The noise you hear may be the other persons vibration or mind chatter. I see and feel their aura and intentions. I hear noises when no one is around. And everything is quiet. I hear music. I cannot sleep in a quiet room. I have to have a fan on. Lol.
Kate
@kate
last year
131 posts

Hello.. thank you for your answers Rene.. and sorry for my late ones ;)

I believe I have felt and met certain people in my life that were more than open to the psychic realm or impressions, but they opposed it a lot, which naturally created a "push" response in my attitude and due to which i might have messed up certain relations with some people. Not to be said, however that i was the one seeking to "prolonge" the link, it more than often is the other person doing the first steps or being more curious since i got used to just hold/control myself...

The "push" has never been however about actively talking about the subject, more about first touching the problems from within that keep popping up at the worst of times from anyone who leaves them untreated. People hide and run a lot from these hidden things however, which is a bit surprising for me. I can't afford to do that, for example. In fact, to preserve my nature... and my sensibility, actually to prevent myself going off the track, i always had to have a more "special" kind of life in the sense that addictions such as drinking or smoking, wasting myself in clubs or having sexual partners... had to be cut out. Also the food i eat, the friends i keep... I did many other things though, i do not believe I lost anything or better said, not much, maybe only if I will miss that moment when "I know" it's time...

I do mistakes as well, as I am learning. Never having been able to openly talk about everything with someone though, well, this was not necessarily harder as i developed a self-sustaining attitude (someone compared me to a playable creature in a game and said "you have too much defense, too much resistance..." lol) which can become a negative trait as well in the sense that while looking at my stars i jump in the middle of some situations others wouldn't and try (hope to) emerge with more gains than what i've lost. Or so I like to believe.

In fact from being this "sensible" person the fact that i can sense what is wrong in time makes me very good with kids that are normal or with deficiencies, and animals, and a couple (more) other circumstances. It also works strategically speaking: in a game you know the opponent's next move ^^

What it is, is that it's tiring. It is a constant way of functioning at a level you are getting information all the time and having to control yourself or deal with the other one's things a lot, if somehow you involve yourself too much. You become needed so to say, but then you have to get out. It's ok as long as the experience applies positively for both (all) parties, but otherwise, if you give more than you receive...

To be mentioned is that the important people will respect such traits, but others might try to take advantage hardcore. It is also easier (for the one in tune with others) hurting someone... or manipulating as well, which doesn't end well. What really is there (inside), and it is said (by someone else who might notice/see it), will resonate regardless of how many defenses someone builds.

Another fun fact is that i was less interested in these things than for example scientific things and the natural world, but I had to delve into them when i noticed i can't do what i feel i should without having to ward off the people that play the leech. In fact, without my inherent things (i'm too patient, i want to help too much sometimes) i might have been considered a bit ruthless, shaped this way by the things i went through... i couldn't care less and it is more important still believing in the magic around you NO MATTER what happens, and never stop making connections because life and what happens is interconnected more or less and that is the beauty in it. And I love to say or think this. It actually gives you more satisfaction.

So in the end, I see the people who give up patience, kindness, hopes, due to some unfortunate factors, or because society says so, the real sign of weakness. Weakness is not art, not inspiration, not being kind and wanting to help or do good. Why have the values been shifted however I fail to understand, and how they resonate with some i fail to understand even more. Are some of us truly made of different things, and are our vibrations that different, and what determines it?

My environment has also been pretty restricting in terms of personal development and hobbies (it is in part due to the family as well) and I went volunteering or with international or regional projects and so on. More than anything, I want to be in a position form which "stepping in" and changing is what I am supposed to do (from the other people's perspective as well)... well :/

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