And it's always been that way for as long as I can remember. Don't get me wrong, I love her, she is my mother and I am much closer to her than I am with my dad but we just do not get along with each other.
I can't completely open up to her about things because she always takes everything the wrong way and flips out. Even for the littlest of things. And I understand that it's because she is unhappy, she's had an unhappy marriage with my dad. She resents him and just can't seem to let the past go. I'm always caught in the middle of them. They argue for the stupidest things and they are both stubborn so it will go on for days sometimes. I try and just stay out of it because they need to work out their own problems but it disrupts my peace and I lose it sometimes and I let them have it I tell them to let it go because they are arguing over something that is dumb and tell them to be quiet. And they do stop because they know I'm right but they are stubborn so it doesn't always work. Someone always has to have the last word kind of thing. Very childish.
I hate admitting it but there are a lot of things I can't trust my mom with. She can say some mean things to me but will deny that she says things like that. But she knows. She just lies about it because she feels bad about it and doesn't want to face it. She's not a bad person. She's just... really unhappy. And we all know how that can change a persons behavior towards others. She still treats me like I'm a child and I'm 25. She invades my privacy and that is a major no-no. Especially for me. And at my age. I'm an adult. I just find that extremely disrespectful and I can't even begin to describe how that makes me feel. I guess the best word would be violated.
She has never seen me for who I really am. The other day she said I was cold and lacked compassion. And that hurt. I'm not a mean person. I don't hurt any one or start fights. In fact, I've never been in a fight. I always know when someone is feeling sad, or mad, and I always ask them if they are okay or if there's something I can do. I do that with her too. But sometimes she verbally attacks me when she's mad. Even if it's nothing I did. So it's hard. Especially when she blames things on me that are her own fault.
Whenever she says things like that about me... it makes me question who I am. It makes me wonder if maybe I really am a bad person. Even when I know I'm not. That's the kind of "mental abuse" I've been going through all my life. And it's made me see that it's no wonder I've always had a low self esteem growing up. I get hurt very easily. Up until a year ago she never really knew just how sensitive I was. And the day she realized it was after she said something that was mean and I ended up crying. She was getting ready to go see my grandma and she wanted me to go with her and she was trying to get me to go. So she said "why do you hate her?" or something like that and that was extremely hurtful. I walked into the other room and cried. The fact that she would even accuse me of hating my grandmother was very offensive to me. I go to see her more than most of my cousins do. Aside from the one that lives with her but that's different. After she saw that I cried she apologized and said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were that sensitive." That didn't make me feel better. It made me realize that I'm really not seen for who I really am, by her.
It's been hard with her right now because I'm doing and discovering who I really am. I'm doing the things that I want to do and that make me happy. And she'll say that it's not who I am. And I'm just like "who are you to tell me who I am?" Only I can do that. She wants me to fit into her mold. Be like her. But I wont. I refuse to be negative like her. It's hard to stay positive around her but I'm getting better at it. I'm cutting the cord. That sounds mean for me to say but I have to. Yes, I love her. She is my mom. But she seriously brings me down. And for my own good... I have to keep my distance from her. She feels hurt that we're not close but that's her own fault. She pushed me away. And I'm not opposed to trying to get a closer relationship with her. Just not at this time. This is the time I need to get away and become solid in who I am. And that's not something I can do around her. She judges me too much and she tries to emotionally manipulate me.
Sorry for this long rant. This has been on my mind lately. I'm currently living with her and my dad so it's hard to avoid the situations that I'm trying to avoid. She'll seek me out and ask what I'm doing. Like she has to know everything that I do. I have to tell her everything. It's the same with my dad but he mainly just asks where I'm going and who with kind of thing. She does that too though. But see, how I can't have any sort of time alone? Or keep anything just for me? I feel smothered. I need space I'm a very reserved person. I know most people don't feel things the way I do and it's not that I'm hiding it.... I'm just not openly sharing how sensitive I am. I feel like people would try to manipulate me more if they knew. And people sense that I'm not totally open about myself so there is that mystery. And I think that's why my parents are constantly questioning me and what I'm doing. They don't understand my need for solitude. My need to be away from people and my need to even be away from them.
So, do any of you have people like this in your life? I'm sure you do. How do you cope? What are your methods of staying positive when you encounter them? Right now, I can't move so I'm sort of stuck. I hope you all are doing well!
Sending you all love, light, and positive vibes <3
updated by @crystalrose: 01/21/17 12:52:02PM