How do we live with this

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WindWolf
@windwolf
last year
117 posts
I tried to take my own life tonight. Why can't I do it? 10 attempts, and I'm still here. I help others, I use my gift for good, but I feel empty and incomplete. Why do others get to be happy? Why am I alone? The people I talk to don't understand me. I prayed to whoever is listening and asked them to kill me, to stop my suffering. I have friends and family that love me but I just need that one love to make me whole. Why can't I find her? How can I love so many so much, but can't find love to heal me?
updated by @windwolf: 03/02/17 11:55:04AM
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Chris, let me tell you something. You got to find peace and love within yourself before looking for it somewhere else. The love is there but your looking for it in your head...it's in your heart. If you meditate then meditate and ground yourself and plant those roots firmly and find your center and pull yourself back in. Those thoughts of killing yourself is probably something bad that has attached itself to you because your so variable at this moment. And why I'm not feeling your weakness is beyond me because I feel nothing weak but your words. Your stronger than you think. You need to cut those words loose and receive the love in. I think everyone feels like you do, to a point, at different times in our lives, some may not admit it. I know you want to die because of love but if you do that, your going to cause major pain for others and Empath heals pain, not cause it!! Get ahold of yourself and cut loose that "Thing" that's causing you to think these thoughts! This is not you! This is a illusion! Not reality! Not that I've said that. You need to call someone like a crisis hotline and get some help. Call your family ! They will listen. Your will not be bothering them, believe me. I'm sending you so much love and light. Gather your strength and cut those thoughts loose.
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
A song for you..Chrishttps://youtu.be/D9PFqzA4D04Love and light
Gem
@gem
last year
220 posts
I agree with Ren, also I'd like to say I spent almost a decade feeling like you do. Single..wishing/hoping for real love..feeling there must be something inherently wrong with me. I self harmed on and off and did have suicidal thoughts but had a son I would never dream of leaving and parents I couldn't bare to cause so much pain to.Hindsight is a wonderful thing. When I look back on those years I can see now that I was putting out totally the wrong vibes to attract the love I wished and longed for. I wanted it so bad I would 'overlook' and 'compromise' what I REALLY wanted...which only ever ended up in heartache of my own creating.Only when I truly at every level of my being decided 'you know what..I'd rather be single and happy than with the wrong person' did I actually meet my now husband. Let me tell you..my journey with my now husband has had much trauma..why? Because I STILL needed to voice what I wanted/needed/expected out of our union. As an empath, I was still compromising my feelings to make him happy..which ultimately caused a rift.We're coming through now though...moral of the story is Self Love!! You really do need to start with that..always.I've found talking therapy so so helpful,maybe consider seeing someone impartial so you can explore yourself and what needs work.You will only attract the love you yearn for if you first learn to truly love yourself.Please seek some counseling.Sending loving, positive and healing thoughts your way.BlessingsGem x
WindWolf
@windwolf
last year
117 posts
Thank you both
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
last year
786 posts

Hi...maybe the reason your not able to is because your not supposed to....and your not dun in this life....I know how u feel...I wouldn't mind finding that someone for me too...but I'm not planning to kill myself over it....if I don't find him this life then so be it....I like my life now...and I've worked too hard to continue living...that someone will show up...maybe if you don't focus on it and do things you like doing...she'll show up when it's time...or when you least expect it...

Goodenergyhealing
@goodenergyhealing
last year
373 posts

I fully agree with Rene and Gem.

I know the feeling of being unhappy. I did pray plenty of times in the past to please leave my body - that is if there was no light at the end of the tunnel, and if there was not enough happiness and love to make up for the unhappiness, illness, pain etc at the time. I am still here, the general life trend is more and more positive, so I do not regret not having taken more drastic steps back then....

I used to be a romantic sucker. Gobbled up all those romance movies and had myself brainwashed into believing that I can only be truly happy and 'whole', if I met a soulmate. Did not happen though - so I was unhappy (that and a few other reasons). Until I understood with my spiritual awakening, that I am individualized part of the divine. What I am is 'whole'. I do not 'need' anyone else to make me feel 'whole'. Sure, if I meet someone that wants to share my journey more intimately at some point - great, but I am happy otherwise too. (don't get me wrong, sure I still get feelings of loneliness, or unhappiness sometimes too, but I know that they are not what I am , nor what I want in my life, so I send them on into the Light/ ask the Divine to take them off me! (and they do. And there is more comfort in that! Sometimes it looks like we walk alone in the physical world, but on the spiritual level, there is loads of beings that love us unconditionally, understand us - and are always there for us!).

And and as mentioned there is human help out there too. Suicide hotlines, counseling, and maybe also look into Reiki/ Spiritual Healing....

Love and Light!

WindWolf
@windwolf
last year
117 posts
It wasn't always this bad. I was ok being single before, not happy but not as bad as it's become. I had fun. That changed a little over a year ago. I met someone and she's physically beautiful, but more than that there's this fire I feel inside of her. When I first felt it, time seemed to stop everyone around disappeared. After talking to her and becoming friends I felt like my heart worked again, I fell in love with her. When I told her she told me she already knew. And that's where it stayed. We're friends I've seen her through some tough times, I'm there when she needs some words of wisdom even when she doesn't want to hear it. She's helped me understand spirituality more after I gave up religion. We're there for each other. She told me that since I told her I fell in love with her, she felt she's not worthy of my love. That's why she didn't explore that path with me. That fire in her soul is worth more than I could ever give her and she feels she's not worthy of my love? It hurts that she thinks so little of herself. I stopped looking for love and the universe throws a light in my life that I can't help but love and she thinks my love is too good for her. I feel like part of some sick joke. I was ok now I want to be happy. Something is torturing me and I want it to stop. This gift puts me through so much pain that's not even my own, and when I feel my pain it's multiplied by ten or a hundred. If I can't be happy I don't want to continue living a life of pain. I hurt two people last night by telling them what I did, and I feel horrible for it. Why are we like this? What's our purpose? I always end up asking is this punishment for sins of a past life.
Angel
@angel
last year
607 posts

I'm going to try to approach this as gently as possible, but I also feel the need to approach this on a more logical level. It sounds like you feel in love with a girl that doesn't love you back, at least not in the way you love her. It could be she really does have a very, very low self esteem, or , more likely, she either has you in friend zone or she is in a relationship, or both.

Listen, when it comes to soul connections, I found this to be common especially with Empath's, is that we often love or feel connections deeper then most people. We also have a tendency to mistake the strong connection with love. I'm not saying you don't love this woman or that she is not one of many soulmates you have in this life, but that connection is not always meant to evolve into romantic love. It could be that we recognize that connection from previous lives and though we have a deeper drawing to them, sometimes the reasons not match up with our desires. Perhaps the agreement for this life was to help you break away from the comfort zone of religion and bring a different perspective in spiritually, so your soul can grow. Perhaps, you were meant to try to teach her to love herself or for her to clarify what she really needs. On her end, I don't know. But I do know, is that we can't teach someone else to love themselves if we don't do it ourselves. The greater picture isn't about finding our twin souls and living happily ever after in the spiritual realm, it's about evolving our souls and bringing us to a point where we are complete. The people that come in and out of our lives help fulfill that purpose and our lives help them fulfill theirs. You desire love, but the greatest love you can have is the love you have for yourself. When we love ourselves, we care about what happens to ourselves. The one thing you grieve in her, is the one thing you are also doing to yourself. You say you don't understand how she feel's unworthy of love, yet your post tells me you know exactly how she feels, because it's within you to. If it wasn't, you wouldn't fathom self harm. The theme that I can see in this relationship, isn't romantic love, it's self love.

So how do we find the love we are actually seeking? Self love is the first step. When we learn to love ourselves, we learn to respect ourselves, and we demand that from other's. Relationships should be formed as a partnership. People who are equal and on the same page of where they are wanting to go. Your being prepared for that, for that person. Your deepest desire is not to be in a relationship, it is to find that deeper love and connection you have been searching for. You would never have it with this woman because she is not there yet. The partnership you share would not bring you the happiness you seek, and the universe knows this. The first step is self love and being comfortable alone. Finding happiness and fulfillment by yourself. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. The reason why is because the type of relationship you seek isn't one of co-dependency, it's one of equality. If your worth is based on someone else's emotions, which change all the time, then you are co-dependent on the other person for your own self esteem. That is what this woman has done. Someone told her she wasn't worthy of someone else's love, and she has chosen to be dependent on that and hold that as true. She will continue to self sabotage until SHE decides she will no longer hold onto that. She is co-dependent on that person until she does. The only thing you are doing is transferring that co-dependency, which isn't love, nor is it the love you seek. Your dependent upon her to fulfill that void you feel inside, which she is not capable of doing because she can't even fill her own void. She depends on that one person to keep her self esteem down, because she chooses to. And you depend on her romantic feelings to keep you alive, do you see a pattern here? You can't save her, noone can, but her , this is the part of the path only she can walk by herself.

But you can change you. This is your time to look in the mirror and ask yourself why everyone else's lives are worth living, but yours isn't. What gives their lives worth and meaning and yours not? You have dedicated your life looking for worth in even the most inferior creatures, now it's time to find worth in yours. I don't know if I can help you with this, but I know a good councilor can. Channel that energy in connecting with you and your spirituality, and channel that energy in you. Do the things you wanted to do that you haven't before. Join some social groups that involve activities you are interested in where you can meet people on the same page. If it's metaphysical, go to meet-up.com and look up metaphysical groups in your area and go ghost hunting, or energy healing workshops, or whatever it is you want to do. I guarentee,once you start investing in you and your life, without even realizing it, she will show up. But don't do it for, because then your still doing it for all the wrong reasons. Once you are content being you, other opportunities will open in the area you desire. Trust me on this!

The one guy I thought was my other half of my soul, though I had a strong love for him and I knew we had a special connection, when I needed him most, he was nowhere to be found. I was going through a separation,raising three kids on my own, and each person I met, I felt disconnected to on a romantic way. I used that time to focus that energy on taking care of my children, working and learning a new spiritual path. In two years, I was no longer dependent on other people for my own failure and self esteem, I was only dependent on me and my Divine. I was finally freed and those two years, lonely as they were, was a life changing time in my life. I was independent and I learned so much. I no longer had a need to be with someone, sure the desire if the right person came along, but it wasn't a need and I wasn't going to compromise next time. 2 1/2 years later, I found him. Noone is perfect, but we are defiently connected on a deeper level and our journies mesh. Most important, we equal partner's in this life together. Yes, we have evolved to the point of not being able to imagine living without each other, we are that close, but, if he dies before I do, though it will devastate me, I will go on and I will channel that energy into something else, like grandkids, building a metaphysical something, or traveling. I don't know. Maybe I will go to a high mountain and just watch the sunrise ans sunset until it's my time to go. People think that love is a matter of dying with that other person, but he loves me so well, I want to live. I'm 40 something :) and never thought I would find it, but I did and it started with me. I would have never found it if I was still the shell I was 12 years ago.

The love you seek is real love, and that love is within you. Once you tap into that love for you, it sends a signal out to others who are seeking the same kind of love you do. Once you love yourself, you will also find someone who also loves themselves and you two will be equal. It's the hardest lesson to learn for Empath, because we are inhertantly giving, but we often give so much to everyone else, we never give anything to ourselves. It seems selfless to do this, but it's actually quite selfish because we can't give when there is nothing left to give.

Ok, I know this is long winded, but I hope you find peace and understanding in this post and I hope you heed my advice. I wouldn't have taken the time to write this if I didn't see any worth in you.

The three main things I would suggest.

See a Councilor if you can't handle this. Some are actually really good and there are actually alot of Empaths that are councilors. Use your Reading skills and find a good match.

Take Elise's class on the Empath toolbox, and other classes on grounding/cleansing/shielding and protecting your energy.

Join a group/church or other people who are involved in some of the same interests as you and do these activities. Look at it like a soul cleansing time. A time to get to know you, Your deity and the higher self. This is your time to rejuvinate and take in more positive energy. I like to call it "evening out the scales". We are both light and dark, and when the scales become unbalanced, we need to balance it out again in order to understand.

I'm sending some healing energy your way, and I wish you many blessings. I hope this has helped. Blessed Be.

Angel

Angel
@angel
last year
607 posts

P.s. we are like this because we are the heart of the Divine. We are the reminder's that love still exsists, both in the heaven's and on earth :) Though it's painful at times, healing wouldn't exsist without it. And you never know who's life you change by a simple word or kind gesture.

WindWolf
@windwolf
last year
117 posts
My friend does play a part in the pain I went through, but it was much more than her. My problem isn't loving myself, it's the loneliness I feel. I love myself and others. I have lots of friends and family, and no matter how much time I spend with them I feel lonely. I meditate and try to connect with the spiritual but even then the connection fades. I fell in love with my friend but before I knew that, I wasn't alone with her. I saw her as just a friend and the loneliness was gone. I know it's possible to be alone and not lonely. But I'm not ready to reach that point. I'm 26 and feel like I've been searching multiple lifetimes for a way to end this loneliness. It doesn't need to be romantic love. It just turns out I fell for her. She is an empath and very new to it. Anyway loneliness is my problem, making me feel incomplete, swallowing my soul until I'm just a hollow shell.
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
last year
786 posts
Maybe the lonliness your picking up is someone else's....or perhaps a spirit ...I get that a lot....maybe you should start severing energy links to your friends...that girl.. and find out where it's coming from...if you haven't been doing that then of course your receiving to many emotions from other people...including ours...lol...
Layla223
@layla223
last year
5 posts
Hey Chris, you're not alone. I've also dealt with sucidial attempts/thoughts/tendencies myself. Maybe, you've helped so many people before you helped yourself? Resulting in feeling - like you said, lonely and incomplete. You've gave so many pieces of yourself away that you're no longer 'whole'.. make yourself and your well-being a first priority, Take a deep breath and some time to yourself. Happiness comes from within, search for inner-peace rather than a lover. Love yourself! As cliche as that is, it's very true. After taking some time to yourself, search up: self-love, self-happiness, inner peace. Apply it to your daily life, it won't be easy. But, it will be worth it.

Message me if you feel like it, always willing to help.
Sending prayers, love and light your way :)
Nikki3
@nikler
last year
116 posts
There is a very good chance you are having a one way energy transfer with this girl without really knowing it. You give freely to her and she does not give freely back emptying you of your stores. This is not intentional foe either party. You've allowed it because that's where your thoughts stray when you want to be fulfilled. She has boundaries created by her lack of romantic feelings for you, you have crossed the roamntic line and not come back because you don't want to. You need to set some boundaries both physical and emotional, temporarily spend less time with her or none at all. You need to plan to do things that you like in your spare time, things that you take joy in. Without including her physically or emotionally or mentally. You must find joy alone and within yourself before y will be fulfilled with a partner. Keep in mind it is not a thing to hold but a skill to obtain. Any time you suffer loss or bad things happen you can reach for this skill and find joy. I agree 100% with angel, well said!
Angel
@angel
last year
607 posts

I understand the searching. I can't tell you how many times I have felt the pull of the soul, something is missing, but I have no idea what it is, so I blindly I begin digging in a haystack assuming that when I find it, I will just know and then never finding anything because I don't know what I'm searching for to begin with,lol, I literally live a life of paradox, which has left me with a very confusing life. But the gift is that I can see all angles of a situation and gain insight or knowledge from each angle.

Maybe looking at it in a different and more specific perspective will help. You said you are looking for a way to end the loneliness, yet, each lifetime, nothing changes. So, maybe instead of looking to end the loneliness, dig deeper on what is causing it. If you can find the core of the issue, the reason why you feel this way, then your longer escaping, your resolving. Once your mind understand what the soul is needing, then you can fulfill that need and live the life you truly desire. Your desire is to not escape the pain, that merely a reaction for not wanting to feel it anymore. Your desire is to feel like your a part of someone and something and that someone or something else is a part you. Connection. The loneliness is probably due to a wall that was built to protect you from pain, but in turn causes that pain through isolation. Since we are both of light and darkness, it's our job to learn to balance that out. This is how we truly choose whether we choose to walk in light or in the dark. Funny thing is, we are not meant to choose, we are meant to balance it out and create light where there is none and understand that without darkness there would be no light. We understand other's pain by experiencing our own and that's one of many way's we form connection. And it's those connections that help us understand that we are not completely alone.

I could be wrong, but my gut tells me it's that lack of connection that keeps you feeling lonely. You had that connection with one person and now that the connection is lost, you feel alone again. And it's a wall that was created to protect the heart that prevents you from connecting the way you would like to. If this is the case, your answer isn't escaping through suicide, it's breaking down that wall and reconnecting to the people you love and the world around you. It's not only showing love and strength, but showing weakness and vulnerability. This is why you had that connection with her, because you let her in. But if you walk out then that connection won't come from one source, but many sources. Yeah, it's scary and it sucks being vulnerable, but I don't know one person on the planet that doesn't feel that way from time to time :) Each connection has a purpose, whether it be with a person, place or object, and each fulfills different aspects of the soul. Each is essential to feed the soul. They don't always turn out the way we want, but they always turn out the way we need in order to help us grow.

I don't know if this helps any, I hope it does help though. We are all alone which makes us individuals, yet we are all part of something bigger, and that is what makes us connected to one another.

Blessed Be,

Angel

Moderator 2
@moderator-2
last year
35 posts

We wanted to post this information for those who are struggling and need to talk.

1 (800) 273-8255National Suicide Prevention Lifeline / www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org.

Please don't be afraid to reach out for help. It is our hope that our EC family is safe and is able to get help and support.

We are keeping this thread open to continue the support.

Thank you!

Nikki3
@nikler
last year
116 posts
Definitely something to think about. I read about a study that was done on rabbits. They left one rabbit alone with a choice between water and cocaine laced water, every time the rabbit chose the drug. They had a rabbit set up again with both choices but with other rabbits and games and toys and the rabbit chose the plain water and left the drugs alone. We are not so different from everyone else that our needs are wildly different. We still require family, community, connection, joy, etc. Happiness is a choice, you must fill your own cup with the things that bring you joy. It can be difficult but the things worth having are never easy to obtain. Make a list, write down where you want to be what y eant to do, add some steps that are required to get there, start taking them and crossing them off while adding new ones. It's a journey, before you know it you will be somewhere else.
Gem
@gem
last year
220 posts
Hi Chris, just thinking about you this morning (UK) and hoping you are feeling a little better and supported?Please remember the saying 'this to shall pass' because it really does you know...we never know what's around the corner.You are important and you matter.Please try to find some joy in things outside of this girl..as the others have suggested.Thinking of youGem x
WindWolf
@windwolf
last year
117 posts
Thanks I'm doing a bit better just a little weak didnt eat at all yesterday, just laid in bed. Talked to a friend a slept
Gem
@gem
last year
220 posts
Rest will do you good. Try to eat something though, even something small.I'm glad you had a friend to talk to.The sun is shining here in the UK..I made the most of it and had a short walk, I make myself notice the beauty of everything when I feel low. The colours of nature, bee's collecting pollen from the flowers etc. It takes my mind out of my own worries for a while.Find some beauty in your day!:-) love and light from the UK X
Dice
@dice
last year
284 posts

Good point Karen and exactly what I am thinking.

Chris I felt this way for someone and I still do love that person. I think that I was feeling what he was feeling and it was so amazing that I could not stop thinking about it.

Looking back at many of my relationships now I this makes so much sense to me. I was feeling to be something much more than what it was. The person is my Awakener but also the first time I felt someone so similar to me. What I know now is the feeling that I look for when I find that person, though it may feel different because It will be mine (oh yay ;)). Make any sense??

I think at a time in my life when I needed to be reminded of that feeling. We long for this and it is out there for us. I have been working on me to be ready for something so intense.. in hopes that the other person is doing that same thing :)

Another thing I learned.. it usually comes when you are not looking for it. Life is funny that way.

Back to basics and find joy in simple things again. You can do this :)

Dice

Cat Whisperer
@cat-whisperer
last year
726 posts
Chris, I hope you are feeling better today. I have also been in that dark place. At times it is hard being so sensitive to the world. Apparently, from your post...you are meant to be here for a reason. That is why there has not been success...Very Thankfully...the world cannot afford to lose you. The mantra that got me through the dark times..."You are here for a reason." Trust the Powers that be. The spiritual agenda is different from the physical agenda. Keep that in mind too. This too shall pass.Shine on....
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Much love to you all, especially Chris. I just finished reading everyone's comments and it brings tears to my eyes. I don't know if your words made an impact on Chris but they have me. Not that I want to end my journey here on earth but it's those darn apathy rocks I keep trippin over on the path. There is no shortage of love on this forum. I hope everyone's day smiles for them and I'm sending you ,Chris, extras rays of light incase your path is still a little dark. :)
Nikki3
@nikler
last year
116 posts
Sometimes you have to put feeling aside and put yourself on auto pilot and just go through the motions. Let your logical side take over for a while and put your emotions in a box on the shelf. You need to eat 3 meals a day, just do it, you need to drink water, just do it, your brain knows what your body needs it's ok to be a 'zombie' for a while so you can get emotional rest. Make lists and schedules and follow them without thought or emotion just for a little while. Love and light. Keep reaching out.
WindWolf
@windwolf
last year
117 posts
Thank you
WindWolf
@windwolf
last year
117 posts
Thank you all for your help. It's still tough and the pain isn't gone but I know this isn't the end.

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