I was going to say that you do not look 50!
I went through the same thing for over 15 years.. and the first question I asked what "what is wrong with me?". They say we attract sociopaths/narcissists and I really believe that is true. This is not a you problem.
My kids did not really understand what I went through until recently when my daughter went and got a reading. They will understand in their own time but don't wait for that.
I love music.. but it plagued me for a while. I started listening to things I had never heard before. You would be surprised to know that changing those little things can change everything. It can be anything really.. change up your routine.. find the things YOU love. You have an opportunity to start again. It's never too late sister!
Visualization helps so much too.
Love & Light and some glitter... why not!!!