Feeling Like my life is over.

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Jodi Hill
@jodi-hill
last year
89 posts

about almost 2 years ago my marriage ended due to my ex husband's adultery. I lost my house that I had lived in for 10 of those years and had nowhere else to go but my dad's where I reside now and I absolutely hate it. My dad was my first abuser when I was a child and I swore I'd never live in his house again once I got out but here I am. I can't stay downstairs very long as it feels so heavy with depression which is where my dad sleeps and my brother who also lives here hangs most of the time so when I'm not at work I spend the evenings in my room all confined.

Since the break up of my marriage I have had suicidal thoughts numerous times. My children have both told me they are grown and have their own lives and dont' have time for my "stuff" and that I need to "get over it" that my marriage is done. I am almost 50 years old. I have not one close friend and in fact I really find it hard to make friends at all so I'm pretty much a loner and have been forever. I have always had a huge fear of being alone and here I am alone now. While my ex has been going from one woman after another since he left me and is now currently off in China thinking to bring himself back a China woman and her children to be with him. Her being only around 30 years old and him being in his 50's. I have joined dating sites but to no avail. Most of those men are scammers and liars. I have been told by numerous mediums and psychics that they see a man entering my life. my soul mate and then go into detail about it but I don't know how that would be possible considering I work all day long from sun up to almost sun down and live paycheck to paycheck so the only places I'm really able to go to is the park on the weekends just to get out of this house.

For the longest time now, I just feel tired in every possible way and feel like my life is over that there is nothing left for me here. I have no one anymore. I was married for 14 years just to find out in the end that most of those years my ex had been fooling around on me and the last being with a Russian woman for almost 3 years before I found out. I keep feeling like there is something wrong with me that I can't find that one person I am meant to be with and I don't want to spend what's left of my life completely alone.


updated by @jodi-hill: 06/15/17 03:57:35AM
karma
@karma
last year
159 posts

Hi Jodi :)

Almost 50..... Look how beautiful you are!!!

Hon.... Clearly the life surroundings that you are within is the primary focus - Place to one side (for now) your husbands antics - Respectfully I understand he has and is hurting you still.

Forget the dating sites (because, and as you already know this, these sites are not really much more than people looking for ways to have a bit of fun - which is okay so long as all recognize `that`)

Your children.... Do they know of your abusive past? Is there no way you can stay at theirs for a time period?

If no then I suggest a possible visit to a refuge of some kind at least to talk through the situation you are having to live with your abuser.

You say you have lost your home to your husband - surely you have rights that will compensate the building of a home together - you really need seek advice concerning this and could in fact declare yourself with a possibility of homelessness (you know, marriage over or not he has no rights to kick you out to move the new woman in - I do not know the full circumstances but, you are entitled to half of that house that was your home, that you raised children in together)

You feel the way you do because you are believing there is nothing you can do regarding your situation - you say you have no friends - Well! You have a new one now :)

You also feel that there is something wrong with you because of your husbands infidelities (to which goes in your favour regarding divorce and entitlements to settlements) - Seemingly he is a serial cheat - It could be understood that an individual could have an extramarital affair, fall in love etc.... The serial cheat however is one who is selfish and cowardly - cowardly to not have what it takes to admit he is selfish and selfish because he wants both freedom and the safety net of home - You are not at fault for his behaviour, he is!

Not wanting to spend life on your own is a worrying that you may do - In all fairness (and I mean this as nice as possible) at present you are deeply unhappy (which is understandable).

However, being deeply unhappy and looking for love can be toxic - it goes one of two ways - either you omit a vibe of unhappy which people tend to shy away from (in turn scaring off any possible perfect match) or you attract those who know they can manipulate and use you - its why people seem to forever be in the vicious cycle of attracting the same kind of partner time again.

There is nothing wrong with you, you have been treated bad and assume it is your fault - this will have stemmed from early on. Recognize the pattern of others and how that pattern affects you each time.

Please retire from the psychics and mediums at least for the time being - having seen numerous is evident you are laying too much hope on answers that do not serve you in the present and the money you are spending on them is not serving you either. (good psychics and mediums offer advice and possible solutions not just predict perfect scenarios)

You feel tired in every possible way - Well! that is because you are depleted of all energy - A wake up call to take note of your situation.

I am here if you want to talk anytime :)

moon
@moon
last year
73 posts

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I understand those feelings of desperation, lonliness and fear. Many of us have been in similar situations. I agree with Karma completely. I don't think that a new man is your answer. It sounds like it's time for you to create a loving, secure relationship with yourself.

Try and turn your thinking around. Put your focus on yourself and your needs. This is the beginning of a brand new chapter in your life. At fifty, you can now discover who you really are and what you really want in life. Now is the time to reaquaint yourself with those things that made you happy in childhood. Find the passion inside and allow it blossom.

Cut the negative energetic cords to your father and your ex and keep putting the focus back on yourself. Perhaps there's a women's group or some kind of supportive group in your area. I know you said that you've always been a loner but usually that comes from fear of being vulnerable and is probably based on your history of abuse. You don't have to trust or make yourself vulnerable to others all at once. If you do find a group, start out slowly and let your trust grow.

Your children will come around eventually. They probably don't have enough life experience yet to understand your cirumstances and it may make them fearful. Give them time.

Dice
@dice
last year
284 posts

I was going to say that you do not look 50!

I went through the same thing for over 15 years.. and the first question I asked what "what is wrong with me?". They say we attract sociopaths/narcissists and I really believe that is true. This is not a you problem.

My kids did not really understand what I went through until recently when my daughter went and got a reading. They will understand in their own time but don't wait for that.

I love music.. but it plagued me for a while. I started listening to things I had never heard before. You would be surprised to know that changing those little things can change everything. It can be anything really.. change up your routine.. find the things YOU love. You have an opportunity to start again. It's never too late sister!

Visualization helps so much too.

Love & Light and some glitter... why not!!!

Dice

Jodi Hill
@jodi-hill
last year
89 posts

thank you for your response. the house unfortunately is gone. it went into foreclosure and he moved out of the state so I lost my home and the way I was used to living. I'm now working 50 hours a week and supporting myself. I enjoy nature and being out in it. I haven't spent a penny on mediums or psychics. One of them is a friend of mine who in fact told me about all the infidelities of my ex husband. It's hard to move on and cut him from my life as he is living right next door to my own daughter. He did this to keep the knife twisted in my gut. He is not the biological father. My son refuses to have anything to do with him due to what he did to me but I see my own daughter in the same situation I was in with relationships for many years but she won't listen to me so I have to just sit back and let thing's go where they will with her but her reasoning as far as my ex husband goes is that he never did anything to her. I feel so betrayed by her because she allows him in her life and my grandkid's lives and she seems to think it's okay for him to just run off around the world chasing after one woman after another. She knows what he did to me but seems to not care.

right now, with my work hours it's hard for me to do anything that I want to do. I used to meditate all the time before the nightmare began with my marriage falling apart and now living in this house with my father and brother I feel like I can't get comfortable enough to even meditate here.

I realize that it wasn't my fault that he fooled around on me but it really hurts and it's hard to get past the "why wasn't I good enough for you"? part. I've been told that sure you can move on but something like that stays with you forever. I have major trust issues with men now and even though I want to have someone in my life I fear with the way I feel right now that finding someone may never happen for me and that I will be single the rest of my life. I really do try hard to be positive but then I go right back to playing over and over in my head the last few years of my marriage and what he did and what he said to me and then the pain and hurt and feelings of depression set in once again.

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
last year
783 posts
Well...your definitely not alone...I don't know how your finances are but looking for another place to live would be a good start...after my own marriage ended (17 years) I moved into my parents place for a VERY short time...and even that was too long....but as soon as I got my own place I was out and feeling much better...someone will eventually show up...but for now this is the time to take to heal from all that happened up till now...as well as dealing with the traumas of abuse....living on your own is a great way to gain independence and strength...that you are a healthy smart strong woman who can take care of herself and be proud...and sever all energy cords to your ex....I bet you'll feel MUCH better once you do...
Dice
@dice
last year
284 posts

I did not much to be positive about when the X left. I understand what it feels like.. when you shared your experience it brought so much of that back for me. It is not easy and does not feel fair, though I knew it was for the best. I knew he was not faithful and once trust is gone it is hard to rebuild.

I had to face that I may be alone and accepted that as possible (like you it is trust issues). I would rather have friends than even think about going into another relationship. It is my red flags that keep me there though. Each day I focus on one positive thing no matter what it is. It can be nice weather, good food, good song.. you get the idea.

I have a hectic life and quiet time is hard to come by. I often have to escape more in my mind than anything else. I found that writing all of those feelings out on paper helps too. Everyone needs time to get out of their own head. The job I had was not helping my state of mind, so I had to find another one. Once I started making the small changes I no longer had the negative associations that would trigger pain. I only share some of my experience so you will know you are not alone.

Hang in there Jodi.. you are not alone.

Dice

Jodi Hill
@jodi-hill
last year
89 posts

thank you all for your support in this situation. I am going to talk to my dr. to see about some possible therapy. talking to someone but I've put off doing that because most times they are no help anyway. Yes, I would feel much better in my own place but right now my finances won't allow that. funny how I work 50 hours a week and yet the day I get paid I'm broke paying off bills.. My daughter does know all about the abuse. I saw my mom be beat almost to death many times growing up until she had to get out after nine years of it for her own safety and to this day she's still traumatized by it on top of that she was a victim of sexual abuse by her stepfather. I in turn was sexually assaulted by one of her own brother's when I was younger and was so afraid to tell anyone until a few years ago and again nobody believed me but my mom. I was babysitting for my aunt for a week and he was sent to help me due to she had 3 sons who she didn't think I could handle and one night he came into the bedroom and sexually abused me. the next morning he was bragging about it to the boys and I felt so sick and worried he would try it again so I called home and lied and said I was sick and needed to leave. I grew up to adulthood carrying that around until I finally told my mom. I was afraid that if I told my dad he would blame me and I would get one of his many beatings he gave me and my brothers and sisters. I lived in fear in my father's house never knowing what would set him off and he would use one of his kid's as a punching bag. It's funny how a parent is your first abuser as well as the first person to ever lie to you. I had no male role model growing up so maybe that is why I chose the men I did in my life thinking it was the normal way to be treated.

karma
@karma
last year
159 posts

Hi

I understand a little more regarding your children - my apologies :)

I fully identify and respect life is not so black and white to just talk to them and all will be rosy. The situation is very complex and dejecting my heart goes out to you.

You have done the right thing in standing back and allowing your daughter to live her life her way because we all truly learn from experience never from what others say or do - Its very tough I know. Her saying your ex has not done anything to her is extremely difficult for you but, to try and see the good in that (albeit very distressing for you) is something you could try?

An example would be my own Daughters Father who would not turn up to babysit, buy clothes and nice things that she could only have when with him..... lots of little things that may sound silly now (shes 23) but, would cause so much upset for me at that time - Over the years the things he has said and done I have had to grin and bear - His words have been extremely hurtful especially but, hes her dad and they meet up regularly - I have just got to see it as He is not treating her bad and that is a good thing.

Again, I understand is not so black and white but, sometimes it takes a new approach of thought. Try not to see it as betrayal but, a lack of understanding and life experience itself... Its very difficult I know

I cant say I know the situation in full but, if you believe he moved next door to your daughter to get at you? At present he wins all the while you vie for your daughters attention and support - You truly are doing the right thing standing back. It will serve you better when she does not feel she is being made to choose and it will serve you better with a knowing he will be knowing you have allowed yourself to let go (I hope that makes sense?)

I fully respect the living pay check to pay check difficulties too. Its like a prison of which money (or lack of) keeps you confined - I truly do believe a considering of seeking help for moving out of the place you live right now - Whereabouts are you (I am assuming America?) There has to be a place at least for advice. Working a fifty hour week is very tough on you I seriously urge you to take a break, book time off and write a list of things to do. Seek advice, look into organizations who assist those in need etc

Its not surprising that you have trust issues with men, nor is it surprising all your thoughts and feelings revolve around all what you have been through - Trying too hard to be positive is like a fight also - you need combat the surroundings you are within before any positive truly will take a hold.

It truly is a time to focus on you in as many positive ways as possible

billyscotia
@billyscotia
last year
5 posts

I have been where you are but my ex wife didn't cheat on me but she became a compulsive gambler, She wasalso bipolar. Which really messed me up because as an empath my mood would swing with hers, I lost my house and now I live on my own, I too am in my 50s,Things do get better but it is hard finding someone but now I don't need someone it just would be nice, I am still emotionally numb but I am working on feeling again. I hope things get better for you.

moon
@moon
last year
73 posts

We usually can't grasp how much our childhood experiences have affected us until we're much older. Usually when we're done with child raising and all those things that fill our minds and days with young kids. My heart breaks for you and the little girl who is still alive and well inside you.

You cannot carry all this by yourself. This is too much for one person to deal with without support. It sounds like you are in crisis and all the events of your life are clamoring for resolution and peace. You can achieve this in therapy with a therapist that you feel connected to. Many towns and cities have low cost local mental health facilities where you can schedule an appointment with someone who works with womens issues. As a result of your childhood and marriage, it sounds like you may be dealing with PTSD.

You can also find a local ACA group (Adult Children of Alcoholics - there doesn't need to be alcohol involved). This is a twelve step program that offers support for people who grew up with family dysfunction. There are also online and phone meetings. Take a look at their website. Here's a cooy of the "Laundry List" and it's flip side.

The Laundry List 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

  1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
  2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
  3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
  4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
  5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
  6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
  7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
  8. We became addicted to excitement.
  9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
  10. We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
  11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
  12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
  13. Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
  14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.

The Flip Side of The Laundry List

  1. We move out of isolation and are not unrealistically afraid of other people, even authorityfigures.
  2. We do not depend on others to tell us who we are.
  3. We are not automatically frightened by angry people and no longer regard personal criticism as a threat.
  4. We do not have a compulsive need to recreate abandonment.
  5. We stop living life from the standpoint of victims and are not attracted by this trait in our important relationships.
  6. We do not use enabling as a way to avoid looking at our own shortcomings.
  7. We do not feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves.
  8. We avoid emotional intoxication and choose workable relationships instead of constantupset.
  9. We are able to distinguish love from pity, and do not think rescuing people we pity is an act of love.
  10. We come out of denial about our traumatic childhoods and regain the ability to feel and express our emotions.
  11. We stop judging and condemning ourselves and discover a sense of self-worth.
  12. We grow in independence and are no longer terrified of abandonment. We have interdependent relationships with healthy people, not dependent relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable.
  13. The characteristics of alcoholism and para-alcoholism we have internalized are identified, acknowledged, and removed.
  14. We are actors, not reactors.
Jodi Hill
@jodi-hill
last year
89 posts

thank you.

moon
@moon
last year
73 posts

I couldn't agree with you more, Halime65. They are extremely dangerous. They cannot be used on a regular basis without negative effects.

Jodi Hill
@jodi-hill
last year
89 posts

my mom was diagnosed as having PTSD due to my sexually abused by her stepfather when she was younger and then the abuse at the hands of my father. She thinks that's what I have but my doctor calls it Adult psychological Abuse.

Jodi Hill
@jodi-hill
last year
89 posts

thank you for your kind words. I'm trying but some days are harder than other's. some day's I just want it to be all over so I feel no more pain. I just feel like I gave 14 years of my life away to someone who didn't care one bit for me and took advantage of me thinking that buying me thing's would keep me happy while he was off with other women. I keep asking myself what was wrong with me cause I can't get out of my head a remark that he made to me that he said, He fell out of love with me years ago but was sticking around to see if I would change. I never understood what that meant cause the day he left I had to work and when I got home there was a letter he had written telling me that none of this was my fault that it was all him and that he changed and that he was sorry for hurting me and that he hoped that one day I could find it in my heart to forgive him and that he knows that there is someone out there for me and so on and so on. I mean how can someone stand there every single day and look you in the face and tell you they love you when in fact they don't? I wish he would have just packed up and left me instead of me finding out the hard way he was fooling around on me for years behind my back and that my marriage was all a lie. that's what hurts. It hurts that he was so cold and heartless and just picked up and moved on so easily and is currently starting a relationship now with a woman his daughter's age from another country all the while he made me feel less than who I am like I'm not worthy of being loved by anyone and to this day he still makes jokes about what he did to me like it's all a game to him to fool with other people that way.

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