I work at a school. Last school year I worked here, too, at the after school program instead of what I'm doing now. I loved it. I love working with kids and enjoying all the crazy, funny random things they do. My main job is being a writer, but this job dovetailed nicely with it.
The thing is, we need more money because my husband is underemployed, so this past October, I took a different position at the school and gave up my after school job. It has been a nightmare since. As an empath, being at school during the day, I am picking up all the energy from unhealthy things at the school that I wasn't exposed to in after school. I've had super bad anxiety and in the beginning of the job, even, if I'm honest, feared for my safety because I was so miserable. It sucked out my ability to write and to laugh and cry and do things I enjoy. I've never had such a soul sucking job. It was given to me in such a way that if I quit, the school wouldn't have the program that I was running, and I care about those kids, so I've stuck it out.
This is my last week of running the program--thank god!! The problem is I am required in my contract to finish out the school year and to get a certain amount of hours by June 30. That means I have, after this, four more weeks of school, then two weeks off, then two weeks of summer school. The principal said I could work at the front desk for the last month so I'd have something to do. I was grateful for it.
Well, yesterday, I went to the front desk and all of a sudden I realized I'd have to learn a whole new job for four weeks, and I nearly started crying right there. I'm exhausted and burned out and I've given too much to this job. It was supposed to be a 20 hour a week, practically minimum wage job, but I actually work 35 hours a week and I can't do my writing job even though I'm under contract with my publisher. I feel like this job has been like a narcissist in my life, just sucking me dry and requiring more and more from me.
I'm up before my alarm right now, with anxiety and panic at the thought of facing another day at my job. Honestly, I don't know if I will be able to handle working the front desk for a month, which involves a lot of extra in our school because it is kind of a crazy school and is very understaffed. I do not know how to stand up for myself about it. My supervisor and the main lady who runs the program for the state are narcissists and are treating me in that narcissist empath dynamic where they expect more from me than from others and sort of treat me controlling and all that. It's making me sick and numb except for anxiety and some low grade depression, and dealing with them triggers PTSD from my dad being a narcissist and me being his scapegoat. It's really been poison to me. If any of you have any suggestions on what to do, I'd be grateful. I just hate it and every minute I'm employed in this position, I feel like I'm not free in my life. Sorry, if this sounds all dramatic. I'm having panic right now.
updated by @sarah: 07/22/18 06:39:17PM