Hello everyone. I hope all is well with each and every one of you. Right now, I'm posting mainly to release some emotions. Maybe gain some insight or advice from any of you or to share similar situations and help each other out by consoling one another.
I left work early today. I sensed something was up with my ex yesterday and I discovered some heart wrenching things. It's crazy how my intuition is always on point with these things. Before yesterday I was feeling fine. Happy, optimistic, and I felt generally good. I hadn't talked to him for a week and I felt good. Not something that would have been easy for me before. Sure I missed him but I didn't really think nothing of it. I didn't get upset by it. Even now, despite everything, there's a part of me that feels okay. But this other part of me feels so hurt. I have no words for the pain. It literally made me sick. I didn't eat dinner, barely ate breakfast this morning, and half my lunch. And I still can't even imagine myself stomaching any food. I've been drinking so much water because I find that makes me feel better. Water always seems to calm me down some how.
I just don't get why he pulls away from me and then when I pull away and he sees that I'm doing okay, he comes back but only to pull away again. He'll want me and then act like he doesn't and say that things with us are hard. But he's the one making it hard. It literally drives me crazy sometimes and I don't know what to do. I know it's because he's been hurt in the past. That's why I've had so much patience with him. I just don't know what to do. I stay away and I feel okay and I know that I am but he's always somewhere in my mind. And if not on my mind I can feel him in my heart and soul. We have a deep bond. We have deep feelings for each other. I can see how that can be scary because it scares me too. Especially when he does things like this. There's nothing I can do to stop these feelings that I have for him. No matter what has happened because I love him unconditionally. But I'm starting to feel like a love like that sucks. I'm becoming afraid to open up to him or be around him, even though that is what I long for most, because I don't want to be hurt anymore.
I leave him to contact me first as I can't get myself to do it anymore. I've had a psychic advice that this was the best thing to do because he needs to be the one to step forward. And that seemed to help but after yesterday... I'm not so sure. I wish I could forget. As much as my time with him has meant to me... right now.... I wish I could forget. And just be. And not worry about anyone hurting me ever again. Right now.... I wish I could just shut off. Everything. Not die or anything.... but just shut off. Not feel anything for awhile. Not think about anything. Not do anything.
I hate to just pour this all out on you guys. But I can't open up to anyone else about this. And if you guys could spare a few moments and send some positive vibes... I'd really appreciate it. I was doing so well for awhile. I wish I could have made that last longer.
Sending love and light to you all always.
updated by @crystalrose: 02/09/17 11:06:54PM