Do you often feel defensive?

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Esah
@esah
7 years ago
151 posts
Last night my husband and I were having a discussion. I was feeling overwhelmed about a situation we had to deal with and not sure if I was doing the best thing. I felt him internally saying that I wasn't handling it right. He said out loud "why do you always take things personal?" Here comes the frustration part, where I feel perfectly clear in what I was sensing but he, not being completely in touch with his emotions, was thinking I was once again overreacting and taking it all personal. Do we empath's just have no hope when it comes to stuff like this? Dealing with people who are not empath's feels like we are speaking two different languages sometimes.


I wanted to scream inside because I couldn't articulate what I was really feeling. I felt trapped and alone and just wanted to shut down and not discuss it any more with him. He is so loving and kind, most of the time, but at this moment I just felt trapped in my thinking.



I'm still working on validating myself when it comes to sensing things. But I wonder sometimes if I am also being paranoid and it really isn't personal! I guess it's possible! lol



Does anyone else have this stuff happen to them?

updated by @esah: 04/23/17 09:00:48PM
Roxanne
@roxanne
7 years ago
1,562 posts
Oh boy...memories. When you know someone's intention is to insult you, but they choose words that give them *a way out*, it usually ends with "you're too sensitive or you're too defensive."These days when my husband says "you're too sensitive", I say *EXACTLY*.............and he knows I mean it *empathically*.It steals his thunder.It's very much like walking on eggshells when dealing with non-empaths. Only I don't let it get to me anymore, unless I just happen to be in a bad mood. But I'm learning to just avoid people who press those buttons. I have enough things to focus on. It's good to distract yourself when that kind of mood kicks in.Good luck, Esah.
Esah
@esah
7 years ago
151 posts
Roxy, I never thought of just agreeing with him! That is brilliant. You really nut shelled what I was trying to say here. Thanks.
Esah
@esah
7 years ago
151 posts
The reply up above was supposed to be here! lol
Esah
@esah
7 years ago
151 posts
Sarisha, I know just what you mean about the 'non-joking' jokes. I had a friend like that too. I ended a 30 year friendship a few months ago because she just had no respect for me. She didn't respect herself either but the sly jokes were jabs that were often meant to belittle me and to elevate her. She obviously felt she wasn't good enough and envied something within me. It's all clear now, but until the last thing she did to me, I had always let her off the hook because I loved her and valued her friendship. But the value finally wore off and I decided to respect myself above and beyond the need for her friendship. It's been tough to let go of it but I know it is the right thing to do.I think what bothers me the most is that my friend is so far from being in touch with what she really feels. to her and others, I look like the strange one and yet I feel so alive and connected to life.
Esah
@esah
7 years ago
151 posts
Thanks Knight, I like this quote about relationships with someone just like you: "...similars may be initially excited to find their similarities, but in time tend to use each other as a sanctuary rather than as a partner in exploring new experiences."There is definitely a down side to being with someone just like you. I hadn't thought of that before. Maybe the opposites attract thing makes more sense after all. Just trying to feel valid when no one but you understands you, is the trick I guess.
Esah
@esah
7 years ago
151 posts
You make a very good point Lady Katina. It might be a control thing that makes me feel defensive. Wanting people to be a certain way. Hmmm. Being understood would be nice but throwing a fit if someone doesn't understand you is not nice. It just is what it is.
Esah
@esah
7 years ago
151 posts
Well Ray, that is another way of looking at it and much more positive I might add! Yes, it's like I see it coming and still fall into the void. I need to work on this idea. Thank you very much.
Esah
@esah
7 years ago
151 posts
Good for you Annabelle. I think confronting it with courage is also important. I kept trying to do this the other night but my husband was not on the same page so I gave up. Normally he really understands me, it's just that once in a while thing that surfaces. I've even noticed that he will head off others at the pass when he sees what they are doing and how I will react. So I think he might be an empath in training. lol
Peter
@peter
7 years ago
18 posts
When we as empaths take on a feeling which interferes with one close to us...perhaps it is too much and we should re-evaluate creating such a storm for them. Seeing as they cannot assist in a productive way for us, mayhaps we should place our concerns of it in another place rather than judging them for their lack of being like us.....? Not all we feel should be shared........what nourishes one can starve another.
Esah
@esah
7 years ago
151 posts
Dierdre, all I can say is 'wow'! And now I am going to go and think about what you wrote. lol
Roxanne
@roxanne
7 years ago
1,562 posts
Esah, Soulful Comings,I have to admit it took years, and this place to make me realize that these comments *you're too sensitive*were actually true. It may not line up with the intent of the comment, but it gives me room to flip it on them.;-)Juan,I haven't worked in awhile,but you're right. In the work place it is much harder to shut myself off from people who I have to interact with. That is a terrible feeling and your ability to shield would have to be at the level of an expert trained empath, I'd have to think.This is why we do the Survival Guide exercises. To become experts at it.Hope I get there some day.Good luck to you.
Esah
@esah
7 years ago
151 posts
I'll second that one! Roxy, you always come from a great place with your words. thanks for being you.
Esah
@esah
7 years ago
151 posts
Words to think about Michael. Thank you.
Esah
@esah
7 years ago
151 posts
It's kind of like saying "I'm going to be my own worst enemy so no one else can beat me to it". I've done this A LOT! The fear of the lack of approval. Man does that get in the way. Trained at birth to hunger for approval, I am only just now learning to disregard others' opinions when they are not supportive, loving or in agreement with mine. I know that sound a bit ego centered but it really isn't. It's knowing who you are and not needing flattery or criticism to define me.I'm sure that the defensiveness will cease the moment I truly know who I am. Until then, I will continue the juggling act of picking and choosing which comments to let affect me. And reminding myself that there is nothing to defend. I have as much right as the next person to take up space on Earth. Now if I repeat these thoughts a few million times, I might believe them! lol
Esah
@esah
7 years ago
151 posts
Good suggestion LauraLee. That keeps me from feeling defensive and instead putting it back on the person to answer and be more clear about. I like that.
Esah
@esah
7 years ago
151 posts
Okay, I have taken a few days to digest your comments Dierdre and I really think you have written a very useful outline for moving through being defensive. Each 'surprise' as you put it, is the next step of the revelation in moving back into our power and not feeling powerless because we are so powerful at feeling!! How'd you like that play on words? lolI think your post is well thought out and I really get it. It makes so much sense. Thank you for taking the time to share it.
Esah
@esah
7 years ago
151 posts
So sometimes we feel defensive because we know that an issue needs to be dealt with and we are the only one who seems to be willing or able to see it. The defensiveness comes in because we know we have to force the issue to be discussed and we're not sure how the emotions will be handled by the other person. That is exactly what I was feeling the other night with my husband. I think I get defensive when I already know where the conversation 'needs' to go and it's up to me to get it there, knowing that it has some rocky areas to go in to.Thanks Mark, that's another good thought and good insight into what is happening when we feel defensive.
Esah
@esah
7 years ago
151 posts
Mark, I just had an idea come to me about handling your office situation. Do you remember Star Trek and the hollodeck they had on there? It was a place where they could create any experience they wanted to. Well, what if you used your imagination and create your own hollodeck experience of the perfect cubicle? It would be exactly the way you want it to be. It could have built in shields to keep stray emotions out, and any other magical qualities you want it to have.Just a thought, and a cool one too!
Esah
@esah
7 years ago
151 posts
Glad you liked it. I see a few hollodecks in my future as well!! It's all about being a Creator with God isn't it?

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