When the life is a living hell

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Jonathan
@jonathan
last year
18 posts

I apologize for the long post, and if this goes in any way against the guide lines, you may remove this. I don't know exactly why I'm posting this. Perhaps it's but a feeble need of mine, a need to be heard, a need to share. Truth be told, perhaps I'd like some advice, some thoughts on certain things. But please, don't pity me. I'm not posting this for such a petty reasons. I started with telling of my background.

- -

I'm 21 years old at the moment, I live in a small country of five million citizen. Oh, and I'm a guy, a vegan. I don't use alcohol, drugs, or smoke.

I've never had any real friends, I was pretty much bullied all the way through the Junior and Junior high school. For ten years, it started over fourteen years ago. As I transitioned to high school, there were a couple tough years during which I never talked to anyone of my own age group, I never looked anyone in the eye, I did my best to suppress any emotions: not even a smile escaped. Eventually it became just impossible to talk with anyone, look anyone in the eye or even being near to anyone. My memories of that time are extremely vague, I can't really recall much. Perhaps visual images play a rather huge part in storing memories.

On the second year of high school there was this group of students that kind of took me in, it all began by chatting online. Perhaps what I desired the most at the time was friends, someone to talk to, to share my joys and worries. Until that time I had avoided any contact for almost two years. I told my homeroom teacher of my desire to change and he supported me.

First I learned to make eye contact with others of my own age, and gradually, I started talking a bit, I began seeking company of other students and gradually I began to open up a bit by bit. Those five months felt quite long, the weekends felt even longer. When I wasn't at school, I was always alone. I felt anquish and great anxiety when being away from the others. I remember the Christmas holiday being almost the worst two weeks of my life. I seeked help from alcohol (at the time I was a minor so I couldn't really drink as much as I would have wanted). After a few months of using alcohol as 'spirit booster'... Well, I haven't touched alcohol since. I'm living a substance-/drug-free life.

Anyway, I began opening up and changed quite a bit (although all hardships, changes, etc. I always tried to keep hidden and secret from my family. Back then I always used to think I wanted to protect them, but now years after I think I've never wanted them to know because it'd be inconvenient for me). I opened up to the point when I confessed that I came momentarily out of the closet. Yes, I told them that I'm gay (and not as in 'happy'). Lets just say that things changed afterwards: perhaps they didn't like how I had changed, I had become more open, I expressed myself and my thoughts more clearly, my personality no longer remained hidden. The biggest factor was emotions, however, since I hadn't quite learned to manage them after having suppressed them for as long as I did. Let's just say they caused some inconvenience, well, since I also confessed to someone. And so, I charged back into the closet with such force I almost ended to Narnia. I cut all my ties to those people afterwards, mostly for my own well-being. I'm grateful for their assistance during my hard time, had it not been for that student group, I most likely would be in a lot worse shape. But I just couldn't understand all the bad blood that was given rise to... I understand many feel confused, threatened when an anomaly appears. They don't know how to react to it. Fear gives rise to hatred.

Two years have passed since those times, since I graduated from high school. I have gradually changed. I've grown a lot tougher, harder, colder. Sometimes I really feel like I've started becoming a sociopath. Well, during my darkest days I really, honestly wished to become a sociopath so that I would not have to suffer. I'm often irritated and annoyed, I've become quite foul-mouthed since swearing lessens the irritation I feel.

While homosexuality will without a doubt remain always a part of me, and I accept myself as I am, and I love myself with my whole being, I've made a choice to live without it being a part of my life (since it conflicts with Christianity, my family would most definitely and likely not accept it if they knew and I just can't have my only ties to any other humans cut). I seek to live a life without any sexual intercourse. I'll most likely never kiss anyone (except the Death when it'll eventually come to visit me), and I will live my life alone (in solitude), since I can never have any friends:I'm unable to make any, and even if I did, I'd be unable to have lasting relationships. Besides, I simply can't come to trust anyone except myself, oh and there's the thing with male thing.... having male friends would be just impossible (and yet it's one of things I desire the most). Truth be told, I've kind of lost my hope in humanity. In other humans. Sometimes I kind of hate them, and I hate the feeling of needing them. It's so conflicting. Not a day, not a single moment goes by that I don't feel my heart ache. The constant pressure. While it can't be compared to physical pain, it may actually hurt even more. And knowing that I'll live the rest of my life feeling it... Sometimes I just want to rip my heart out of my chest. It's even worse when I'm out in the public, especially when I happen to encounter other specimen of the same human race who are of same gender. The feel of need to love and be loved, to be noticed, to be cared for... Something I can never have.

I just want to lead a happy life, be happy and regret nothing. I seek to live my life to my best ability, with whatever I have, as happily as possible at each moment. While I used to live in the past, I now live only for this moment. I'm writing books and poetry (I've found my muse which I'm grateful for; an embodiment of tragedy, despair, lack of hope, darkness, disappearing light, loneliness, death, anquish, torment, survival, melancholy, etc.), and truth be told, I think I've written quite amazing pieces... It's been quite important for me to be able to write... the only way how I can express myself.

I honor life too much to ever end my own life with my own hands. But sometimes I have to wonder... I still have family, but there will without a doubt come time and they'll pass away. Nothing scares me more than being completely, utterly alone. I love too much and so I pay the heaviest price. I will be crushed. I will be left scathed, broken. Shattered into so many pieces. And part of my self, my soul will die along with my family. And oh, I do hate this world. I hate it so dearly, for what it is. I could quote Oppenheimer Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds, and I could try and destroy this world. Instead, I'll write a book about it. A fictional fantasy book.

I hate weakness. I've always detested crying, I always tried avoiding crying as a child, and I'm still the same. Even though I try thinking that crying is natural and good for me, I can't cry naturally if I think of it as weakness. And I would never cry in presence of anyone. And yet, I cry quite often. Mostly when reading books/manga/manhua/manhwa (manga/manhua/manhwa,It's not really the thought of death that makes me cry, it's the reactions of those close to the dead that have the biggest impact. It's always the reactions of persons.... But I never cry for myself, I have promised myself not to shed tears for myself. Even if I feel insecure, afraid, vulnerable, weak, lonely. Yet... am I not crying for myself if I cry for the thought of being left alone completely, utterly alone? Perhaps I am.

Forgive me for such a long post. I tried to keep it in good form but... some paragraphs may seem a little out of it. Perhaps the reason why I posted this was because I felt like I needed advice. Perhaps to hear what others think of all of this, or of me. I don't have the slightest of clue what it is I want from my life, if anything at all, or where it should go... I just want to be free of everything, happy and content. I have no ambition, I have no motivation to seek the top. I dislike competition, just one of the things resulting from my youth.


updated by @jonathan: 02/04/17 06:11:08PM
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Dear Jonathan, First off, I have two sons. One 27 the other 23. And if either one of them came to my and said "mama, "I'm gay". I would actually love them more because the respected and loved me enough to share that part of their life with me. I wish all parents felt like this but unfortunately they don't. There are far worse things a parent could find out about their child than their gay. Drug abuse, terminal illness , Ect. Homosexuality is not a disease or a condiction. It's who you are. I was born with brown eyes. You was born a homosexual. Why would I change my eye color to please or be accepted by someone, I wouldn't. I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I can feel the love you have for your family but not how much they love you. Are they narcissist? My dad is. My mom was til the day she died. I would not be able to tell them I was a homosexual , if that was my preference, either. I have been saved and raised around christains but as I have gotten older, my eyes have seen so much control and deception in churches to the point that I do not go to church. They have forgotten what the greatest gift that God has given us, which is Love. Jonathan go Love! And for those that don't understand , well then, love them from a distance. But don't deny yourself of the love that is out there waiting for you. I know that's easy for me to say because I haven't fought your battles , and that's true, but I have fought battles over love and isn't that what's at question here. You will met death on day, we all will, but while you are here in human form, love all you can with every inch of your heart. One day you will be an old man and wishes you hadn't wasted you time on these matters, that is , if you go out, while your young, and find that love of your life. Remember, it is better to have loved and have lost than to have never loved at all. ...
Jonathan
@jonathan
last year
18 posts

Hi,

The culture I've lived in is best described as conservative, though globalism has caused it to change slowly but surely. I love my family, and I'm sure they love me. Perhaps I'm trying to protect them, or perhaps, I'm trying to avoid inconvenience that would follow after my confession of being what I am. Though I always desired of being different, perhaps this kind of difference isn't what I originally had in mind. What I wanted was a world of magic and dragons... and perhaps, unicorns. But being able to discern even the slightest of shades and changes in the other person's gestures, voice, expressions... Their first thoughts on everything are often judgemental, or rather, I feel like they are sharps as piercing spears. And that leads from my own insecurity.

I want to thank you for taking time to offer me your feedback, your honest words. I'll take them to the heart.

We have all battled wars, whether on the winning side... Only we ourselves know. Without a doubt, a great many battles will follow. But as long as we live, we remain victorious.

Yours,

Jonathan

Jonathan
@jonathan
last year
18 posts

Hello,

I want to thank you for your words, for the time you took at offering them. You have given me many things to think about, of, to ponder. Without a doubt, a path in the shadows to the darkness is a path that feels so much easier to walk. But darkness, it is so dark, one desires light. If nothing else, light illuminates the path one is to walk.

Yours,

Jonathan

Moonchild
@moonchild
last year
19 posts

Hello, I just wanted to share with you some of my insight and perspective as I have gone through many of the same issues as you. To make a long story short, I have realized as an empath that the curcumstances and emotions that i have gone through in life help me to understand others better, which is why I am here on earth as an empath to help filter the negative. I now see it as a "training" of sorts, I have been depressed, happy, wealthy, homeless, out of alignment, completely zen like, bullied, and the bullier and so on. It was all very frustrating and I could not understand why "God" or the universe would put me through all of this. My perception now is that I have been through all of this, to help connect with those going through each of these emotions or life curcumstances. Now, when someone comes to me for help I can completely familiarize with them spiritually and physically...I can offer them sincere advice because I have been there, and they can see that when they look at me. If you are an emapth, part of your lifes work is to help and heal. Help and heal others and help and heal the universe...this life offers you everything you need to learn how to do that..and although painful and hard for you, if you see it this way it all becomes a lesson. Start to help others who have the same pains as you and see how it feels. You will find it both healing for you and healing for them. I hope this helps a bit, I just wanted to share my newly found perspective.

Lynda Jo Thornbrugh
@lynda-jo-thornbrugh
last year
2 posts
Hi Jonathan....whatever I say, keep what you feel could be relevant and let the rest float off into the ether.ffyHave you ever heard of a dark night of the soul? I'm curious about that...I used to choke back tears and fight off crying like my life depended on it. I don't know how to explain it, but when it comes to my own grief and loss, it feels like if I let any of it squeak out, it'll do me in, like I'll be swallowed up in the ache of it all. It feels like you have deep compassion for those who experience loss.You mentioned your family's Christian faith, but not in a way that i felt connected to you personally? Yes, I guess I'm wondering if that's correct. You don't have to address that. I quit calling God God a long time ago and began using Universe. It made more sense to me that way, in that we are all sum parts of the whole.Have you ever practised mindfulness or meditation? Meditation is my time with spirit that helps me be aware of my connectivity to the Universe.I appreciate what you wrote. Very much.Take care.
Lulip
@lulip
last year
36 posts

I usually just read posts, never bothering to reply. But I felt like I should, since I can relate to what you're feeling/felt. I too, am a vegan, and have felt, if only briefly, complete and utter social isolation.

I went through a period about two years ago in the summer when I was completely depressed and talked to no one. I understand what you mean when you say you feel like you've gotten colder and harder. I used to have mental breakdowns and I would just completely shut myself down. I would feel absolutely no emotion or show any emotion. It felt like I was just a void. I'm still not sure what exactly triggered that summer of complete misery, but it took over a year to recover from it. During the recovery period I still had "sociopathic moments" as I call them. Over time, I started to learn that they were more of a defense mechanism than anything. I would put my emotions out there, get hurt or feel threatened, and then I would withdraw into myself. It was a completely vicious cycle. I used to wish that I could feel nothing to numb whatever pain I was feeling. I've come to realize that this sociopathic state that I go into is more harmful than just feeling the emotions.

As for advice, it's hard to say what I did to get myself out of this prolonged emotional rut. I think it was a combination of moving houses, settling, and finally finding my place. By my place, I don't mean physical place. I mean mentally. And I know, this may sound extremely cliche but I have no other idea how to say this. I had to find myself and my purpose, and accept my situation and who I was. Before that, my mind was constantly in an emotional war that just got more and more damaging over time. I know how badly it sucks, and how life seems to be awful, but it gets a lot better. MUCH better. I can't even stress how important that is.

Based on what you've written, what's blocking you from being at peace is the social aspect of your past. I know that it seems so much easier just to block people out, and that being near people is too painful, but that is just because you believe it's painful. I've been there, done that, and it doesn't work. Humans are social animals and we're meant to be around others and be constantly socializing. I've noticed that a huge part of socializing is confidence. If you work on your mentality and building your confidence, trust me when I say making friends will be extremely easy. As an empath, we are able to read and understand people better, which is so crucial when it comes to social interactions. Just think about it this way: you have a natural advantage.

As for your families religious conflict with your sexuality, it can be tough for people to accept someone when they have such strong beliefs. But people can become accepting, it just takes time and effort on both sides.

I apologize if the reply is a bit long, and I hope this helps, even by a bit. :)

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Good luck on you on your unforeseen quest Jonathan. Love and light.. to you
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
last year
783 posts
Hi...reading your post i'm noticing how well you seem to be doing in spite of all your self doubts and anxieties. I'm not vegan or homosexual...i'm a non practicing catholic who prefers being spiritual as opposed to religious...I Find religion too confining in rules and made up beliefs...you've been abused...bullied...and are confined to a religion that holds you back and ridicules and condemn you for something that you were born being...and in accepting all that your letting others dictate to you what your life will be like...your giving in to the pressure and bullies...what saddens me is that your doing your best to hold back...to hide and keep from growing to suite others and thinking it's YOU making the choice...and your willing to deny yourself the right to live to your full potential and from receiving the one thing you KNOW you need...and that's of course love.It's scary to open up to others and put yourself at risk, to let people see you for you...I don't think your cold or unfeeling...your Heart Chakra needs help healing...to open up...to let go of all the fear and pain and anger you DO feel...it's stuck...crying for me too is a necessary evil...but I do do it...you have to in order to heal the pain...it hurts like hell when dark crap leaves the body because it's been festering for years...but after...it's SUCH a relief...and the crying is just a by product of all the pent up icky dark feeling and injustices dealt to you that have been stuck for a long long time. It's time you looked after you...to heal and release all that.I think you should recant that promise you made to yourself to not cry for yourself, it might actually be hurting you by blocking your healing process .....and to understand that your worthy of love and the time it takes to heal your heart. Anyway I understand the family thing...my family have no concept as to what an empath is...they ARE practicing Catholics and have chosen to remain closed to everything outside that religion....it's not something I can change...so I keep my Empathic secret to myself when I'm with them...it doesn't seem fair...but it is what it is...lol..it hurts and saddens me that I must do it this way. In the meantime this is a good place to start learning about your empathic abilities...learn not to be afraid...since we can all identify in some way with what your going thru...you are definitely NOT alone ...not by a long shot...
Kit Kat
@kit-kat
last year
230 posts

Mind if I ask what church you're a part of? (I only ask to see if it's the same as mine)

Jonathan
@jonathan
last year
18 posts

Hi,

First, I want to thank you for taking the time to write back.

I haven't heard of a dark night of the soul earlier. To me it sounds like a title of a poem, perhaps of similar theme I'd write too. Personally I'm just highly intrigued by themes related to dark, night, sorrow, desolation, melancholy, but especially tragedy. I've come to enjoy these themes, they often offer certain kind of euphory, mostly in the forms of poetry, music and arts. And strangely, I don't fear the dark of the night. Rather, it evokes feelings of longing.

There are times when I feel, or rather, realize that if I were to lower my walls, I'd be completely crushed by what looms beyond. The longing, the need, the desire.

Truth is, though we are Christians (not catholics, and we rarely go to Church), it doesn't really show even inside of the family. I can't tell what other family members think, but at least my mother is a believer, as am I. I believe in happy, eternal afterlife. I believe, because the thought of us dying and becoming nothingness, returning to a void, is just too painful. And so I pray. And I thank for everything, all the miracles, simply everything. Things could be a lot worse.

I meditate quite rarely, mindfulness I do every now and then. I've kind of adjusted myself over time to breathe deeply; it's been very effective calming myself. I've also tried (I forgot the name for the technique, void meditation maybe? The one opposite to mindfulness) the meditation technique in which one seeks to empty the mind of everything, and seeking to achieve a state of emptiness.

- Jonathan

Jonathan
@jonathan
last year
18 posts

I'm part of Lutheran Christian church, as it's the "thing" in Northern-Western Europe. Catholic church has never reached up to the North. Orthodox Church seems to be more of the thing in the Eastern Europe. But in the end, regardless of the church, Lutherans, Catholics and Orthodoxians are all Christians (at least I think so).

Jonathan
@jonathan
last year
18 posts

Hi,

I thank you for the time you took to reply.

I understand what you mean by finding the place. It's said that home is where the heart is, and perhaps it'd also make sense in reverse: the heart is where the home is. I've yet to find my place. But perhaps with time I can find a haven that will mend my heart. Some place green with a vast blue sky where I can be free, like birds soaring in the sky.

Thank you.

- Jonathan

Jonathan
@jonathan
last year
18 posts

Definitely one of the hardest aspects is to remain completely truthful to one's own self. But what is the truth? I believe there are many sides to the truth, as there are two sides to the coin, four sides to a cube, six sides to hexagon, eight sides to octagon, 12 sides to dodecagon, and so on. Truth at best is always so vague.

It's nearly impossible to tell whether the own self is telling the whole truth. Indeed, I may acknowledge that I'm hurting and because of that I decide to avoid the source that hurts. Now, was it me who made choice? Well, yes, ultimately I made the choice. But again, was it truly my choice, or were I driven to choice that way? Not just that, but out of all the possible choices I could have made, did I really make the best choice? Part of me says it was the most logical choice. But the logical side says it may very well have been due to emotions. But isn't it all also due to the source that made me hurt? What does this tell? At least the fact that logic can be used as a rather good defense mechanism...

Well, now that I have pondered it through logically, I must agree with you. I've yet to be in complete control. Which, to be frank, I don't think will ever happen. Sure, I can try. And I will most likely at some point or another take the required steps forward, and perhaps even something good will come out of it. But only time will tell.

Thank you for your reply.

Jonathan
@jonathan
last year
18 posts

Hi,

Thank you for sharing your insight, I greatly appreciate it. Without a doubt, I'll eventually come across someone who I can save if I only decide to do so. I only can hope that I'll have the courage to do so.

- Jonathan.

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
last year
783 posts
You made a choice based on a child's perspective...being bullied at any age is traumatic...as a child it's doubly so I think because the trust of the child has been broken and fighting back isn't an option...in many ways...your choices made as a child did not come from self....it came from the circumstances you'd been placed in and the need for self protection to hide and be safe...as a child your choices as an abused and bullied kid dictated to you how to react and speak to self....your 21 years old and still growing up...and you have plenty of time to work this out...i'm 48 years old and still working out my childhood issues as well as everything that accumulated in my life and energy system over the years...you have a chance right now at 21 to face the childhood issues before it impacts the rest of your life in a negative way....the lie is the bullying and child abuse. The real issue is you...the child...who needs help...that child is still in you...still there and is a separate person from the 21 year old you....and deserves you..the adult...to help him heal...only you can do that..
Jonathan
@jonathan
last year
18 posts

I've calculated I have somewhere around 50 years to live. I have thought of what I'd like to do before the time will run out and I'm lying on my deathbed. What I have realized is that I don't really have anything, no grand ambition, no noble goal. I don't really desire anything. My ambition, the will to compete, was taken away.

Nowadays when I see how hard the pianists, violinists, performers of all type compete in all forms of arts, I feel rather empty. Because I know I will never sit at that piano chair playing Mozart, or Beethoven, or I won't ever stand on that stage with my violin. Ifeelempty. Bitter. Jealous. Some performers make such an impact making me feel that I'd truly wish being the one on that stage. Not that I could, my skill level isn't just anywhere high enough. I only started playing 'occasionally' in my teen years, always practicing on my own. First a little bit of piano, a few years ago I picked violin. It's damn hard trying to keep doinganything seriously, when I have no real ambition or competitive spirit. My interests follow the certain pattern, always. The come and go. I may pick something and do it for a couple weeks but I just can't keep it up and then months pass before I pick up that interest again.

Oh Well, can't expect to improve if I don't practice...

There are some things I'd like to do (before I die in 50 years of time). I want to eat good food, drink all kinds of different but good tea. I want to write and publish ten books, and a few poem collections. Perhaps eventually I'd even want to try bungee jumping, wingsuit flying, or something other extreme that would make my heart race. Truth be told, I rarely get that kind of feeling, not even when I'm around people. Though perhaps I know already that I'll never get to do that... that kind of feeling is just one of those wishes that will likely never happen. Other than that, I'd just like to go somewhere high and enjoy my time (days, weeks, months, years) there, feeling the wind, lying on huge green hills watching the blue sky. I can kind of see founding a cafe there (though speaking in business terms, it'd be extremely bad for business), perhaps with a bar. Not that the emptiness would disappear anywhere.

It's just kind of nice fantasizing... of what could be. Perhaps that's why I like writing, why I can't give up writing. It's just my thing. Writing of what I wish could be, of friends and lovers I will never have, of events that will never happen. In fiction, anything and everything is possible. The author is the god of the worlds he creates, or at least an omnipotent being.

I may sound rather pessimistic, perhaps I am. But I don't really want to hope. For me, hope, and especially love are things that cause agony. While I can understand why anyone would like to love, feeling unrequited love can only cause endless misery. Yet why is it that even on this moment I feel deep within me the need to hope, love and be loved?

Oh well, logically thinking, if I just go with the flow and don't think too much into it, I think I'll manage.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, or cold, I apologize if I do. I just don't have the capacity.

But I just know that unless I can get out of this country, nothing will ever change. In this culture, the men are not expected to feel, and definitely do not cry. And they most definitely are not to be hugged or touched. It's frickin' ridiculous... Oh, perhaps it'll change in a couple centuries. Oh well, knowing me, I'll have developed schizophrenia, one personality dying to love, be loved, caressed and cared for and another personality that is a sociopath who hates the world and everything, denies everything, etc. Oh yeah, most definitely. Hope not. Oh, I'm joking of course, thinking of the worse case scenarios. The jokes may be a little dry, but at least they crack me up real well. At least almost.

I'm a rather tragicomedic personality. I nearly always include tragedy as part of my art/creations, poems and books. Tragedy as a theme can be extremely entertaining, enjoyable, and at least I feel often euphoric feelings, especially when watching anime series (Japanese animated series) or reading manga/manhwa/manhua (Japanese, Korean, Chinese, respectively* comics).

Oh, and I must also apologize if I seem somewhat distant. I do however appreciate your reply and your insight in to the matter.

- Jonathan

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
last year
783 posts

Sounds to me your a very old soul....I'm an old soul too...I believe I've lived many lives,,, with various tragic outcomes...I've been stabbed to death many times...hung...been killed helping people...I went through childhood not knowing what I should do... what I was good at...I was taken from my brothers and sisters...from my culture...and placed with people who loved me in their own way but couldn't give me what I needed... I lost so much...I continue learning through my lost culture and my ancestors...I don't feel I belong here on earth....I feel more comfortable and safe with the spirit world than I do with human beings...my abilities give me what I need to thrive and survive this life and world....being an empath is who i am and what i'm meant to be and do...as well as driving a bus...lol...you love to write and that's a wonderful gift...learning about your empathic abilities might just give you the tools you need to help you in your journey through this life....and fill some of your emptiness...

karma
@karma
last year
159 posts

Hi Johnathon

The sadness I get from your post is you have an undoubted belief you cannot be who you are -You say you accept who you are but, wont ever be who you are.

Family and coming out is the hardest part but, you cannot torture yourself in the way you are doing

You believe at times crying is weak? Not at all - Strength comes from being who you are and the emotions that make you who you are - Anger, Depression, Anxiety.... They are needed to be experienced to ever overcome and learn from - However too many of us allow the given emotion to consume us, learn nothing from it by becoming it and believing we deserve to feel that way - we punish and condemn ourselves for no good reason. If you continue to punish yourself the energy you give off allows others to treat you that way too and it becomes a way of life

You are so young to be putting all this pressure upon yourself - Go with the flow of what makes you happy not focusing on what you should be for the sake of others - You are a product of yourself and you deserve that happiness.

Being with Christian Values.... Well, simply put, any christian who condemns homosexuality is breaking the commandment of `Thou shall not Judge`.... And, in fairness the story of Sodom no one was condemned to Hell because Hell did not exist in the first testament (only when the desperation to keep people in check and under church rule did the second testament introduce the fear factor of hell) - The commandments themselves a guideline of humanity behaviour, not once with a reference of severe penalty - The seven deadly sins not at all referencing homosexuality either.....

What I am trying to express is the way The Bible is interpreted by man today is not the way it was written and read for yourself paints many a different picture. I just had to say what I have because knowing you are so unhappy and believing this is `just life` is wrong.

I wish you all the best in life because like anyone you deserve happiness

Nikki3
@nikler
last year
116 posts
I can't begin to understand completely how you are feeling but I can relate on a different level if you take away the component of homosexuality. It must be truly difficult to feel completely that you cannot be yourself and you must suppress what your heart desires.My advice - the heart wants what it wants, go out and find it. Dance like no one is watching! If your family truly loves you they will find a way to accept and embrace all of you, it may not be easy or instant, but you must stir the pot if you want to make changes.Join a gay group, meet men, find your happiness, take risks. At the end of the day you will only have your life to account for. I promise you there are some amazing people out there, you will stumble, be disappointed, heartbroken even, but you will find kindred souls and amazing experiences and have stories to tell. You will build a family that is not blood.You cannot have happiness and reject your true self. It is one or the other. Let me tell you it is a very beautiful thing to find out who truly loves you even though it can be heartbreaking at the same time. It is a true gift, bitter sweet.
Nikki3
@nikler
last year
116 posts
You have been conditioned by your upbringing. You need to stop saying "I am" and "I can't". Cry and hug and don't apologize. You have no desire or ambition because it's been too painful in the past, just do it. Once you start doing and finding out what you love, reviving your passion without caring what anyone thinks your ambition will come back to you. Your biggest problem is you, you've told yourself what the rules are and have bound yourself to abide by them. Change the rules, write the things you like down and start crossing them off! I hope you find some light and some freedom for your soul... don't wait for the right time or moment or place... it won't come. Do it now. :)
Jonathan
@jonathan
last year
18 posts

I feel very strongly about tragedy: of what was lost, of what could have been, of what simply couldn't be. I feel strangely good about writing or reading it, or just watching it in the form of series. Even music, that certain string-quartet, or a soundtrack, a wailing choir in the background, music can truly enhance the experience. The feelings of longing tragedy causes, the reactions of those affected by it. Simply knowing that tragedy has the power to change a person, and that he'll never be the same again... there's just something beautiful and intriguing about it. I've come to know despair as the greatest force that can move a person, it can drive one insane, it can send one down the path of vengeance, it can affect a person in so many ways.

Don't get me wrong, I feel sad by tragedy. But I also enjoy quite a great deal of it. It makes my hair stand on end, it sends shrivels down my spine. A sense of euphory soon follows, if I'm not already in tears.

By now I've realized. There will be no other happiness for me but the one I create for myself. Dreams, Fiction, Fantasies, I can create. I am a god in my own world. I can give, and I can take away. All with words. I can bring the greatest of sorrows or the most incredible of love. I'll witness countless characters, their lives, their hopes, their sorrows and joys.

Because I just could not have it any other way. I can't give up my muse.

Regardless, I want to thank you for the time you took replying to me. Homosexuality for me is just an ingredient for one of the greatest tragedies: a life without love, darkness without light. Knowing that a person I desire the most ferociously so much that my heart hurts, will never be. No friend either: I can't burrow my head against anyone's chest feeling their warmth, smelling their scent, and I can never feel the satisfaction of sharing joys and sorrows. I don't I just can't believe in humanity. I could never trust anyone enough, watching series, reading books, I can tell long before who will fall a victim, and who's the crook. In fiction, nothing hurts me directly. I can love the characters regardless of their flaws.

Kind of messed up, eh? Probably. Yeah, most definitely. But frankly, I wouldn't change myself. I'm glad I'm me, I'm glad I'm here right now as a person I am. It's likely that if something had gone differently, I would not have become the me I am right now. But also, thinking of all the events that had to go the certain way so that I'd become a person I am right now... It's dazzling.

- Jonathan

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