I am overwhelmed by my greatness. I want to apologize for that "conceited" comment, but I cannot, because that is what the old me would do. In reality, I am great, and I'm going to embrace that. I know that we all should.
I have a high left-brain intelligence but I enjoy my right-brain creative side more. Though my self-doubt and my high sensitivity to my environment (especially to other humans' energy, especially those who are insensitive), affects how I feel about myself.
I feel a lack of inner strength that is invalid. There is no reason I should doubt myself. I entered a harsh and abusive world and I was told I was a calm baby. I slept well and I sucked my thumb and kept my observations to myself (for years). I was afraid to introduce myself to someone, so my friends were almost always people who approached me, were "willing" to be my friend, or our paths crossed by chance. I rarely forced anything to happen (except my studies). I listened to my teachers, parents, all "authority" (anyone who felt they knew more than me). I did not want to upset or displease others because I was afraid of their reactions. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid of being laughed at. I was even afraid of someone rolling their eyes at me.
From an early age, I was a keen observer and always put myself in others' shoes. I have always had a very strong conscience. I did not give effort to "fight" another with my words or otherwise. I've never hit someone with the intent of hurting them. I am not a fighter. I also have a hard time standing up for myself. I have a hard time when I observe someone hurting emotionally or any other way. So when I say something or do something and there is a negative reaction outside me, I feel guilty and shameful and want to hide in my shell again. The beautiful, expressive, joyful, innocent, caring, loving, fun me goes into hiding and hates herself and beats herself up for someone else's reaction/feelings. It kills me to see them hurt. I feel their hurt, my own hurt (for feeling responsible), and then I hurt myself more with feeling guilt and shame because I feel at fault.
Then life becomes scary because I feel helpless, caring around all this hurt and self-hate, because of the overwhelming complexities and powerful energy in this world. I don't want to hurt, but doing nothing is hurting too.
When I feel joyful, which happens when I feel comfortable expressing my true self, I get so warm and I feel such intense energy inside me, tiny (sporadic) electrical zaps in my body and limbs, a buzzing on my skin, and very strong electricity and vibration in my fingers. When I'm happy being me and in the flow and doing what I love, I feel this warmth and joy and it is my lifeforce. When I question myself, when I doubt myself, when I feel powerless, I feel so cold and painful. I feel dead when I'm not joyous and loving and happy inside.
I know I have a lot of energy (potential) in me and I'm dying to express it freely (kinetic). But when I do, I feel rejected by others. As if it's not normal to have intense or different emotions. Maybe my emotions wouldn't vary so much if people were more accepting of freedom of expression and joy as an adult (I'm 35). People around me are miserable, I'm afraid to show my true self, and I'm letting their negative perspective instill doubt in me about myself.
I do not feel capable of doing anything with this greatness that is in me. I am overwhelmed by it because I'm not used to expressing it fully. There is so much I want to do and can do, that I don't know what to pick (and I don't want to pick just one thing!). I'm interested in so much and I know that when I believe in something, when I back myself with this great inner energy I have (my will, my soul's desire), I can do anything. But only if I believe in my mind. I do...sometimes. But because the belief is not a consistent flow, because I have moments of belief and joy and then moments of self-doubt and discouragement, I am not able to focus my attention and energy for long enough to make Anything happen. This is entirely frustrating. Because I feel I am not accomplishing, and also, I feel rushed....Not by me but by society and my family and friends. They don't believe in me, they question me, because they are comparing me to who I've been in the past and they are scared by this eclectic person who they can't put their finger on. Difference instills worry in others, because they can't understand it. They think something is wrong with me, or they think something is right and it makes them question their own self. I know these are my assumptions, because these doubters are not talking to me much, but I'd like to know...
How do I pursue/live my life the way I want without pausing to absorb the negative energies of others (as someone who worries about others)? I'm afraid to do the wrong thing. I have so lack of belief in myself alone from old conditioning. That is not who I am anymore. So...
How do I let go of that old conditioning for good? How do I just forget about it, and ignore a society that is still operating on old belief patterns? (Especially when I'm in the middle of my old environment?) Also...
How do I find an environment that fits me better?
My body is hurting because I'm holding back. I'm existing in a place and time that is not where I want to be. How do I get to where I want to be?
updated by @lotusfly: 09/06/18 02:51:08AM