In Between the Old Me and the New Me

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Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

I am overwhelmed by my greatness. I want to apologize for that "conceited" comment, but I cannot, because that is what the old me would do. In reality, I am great, and I'm going to embrace that. I know that we all should.

I have a high left-brain intelligence but I enjoy my right-brain creative side more. Though my self-doubt and my high sensitivity to my environment (especially to other humans' energy, especially those who are insensitive), affects how I feel about myself.

I feel a lack of inner strength that is invalid. There is no reason I should doubt myself. I entered a harsh and abusive world and I was told I was a calm baby. I slept well and I sucked my thumb and kept my observations to myself (for years). I was afraid to introduce myself to someone, so my friends were almost always people who approached me, were "willing" to be my friend, or our paths crossed by chance. I rarely forced anything to happen (except my studies). I listened to my teachers, parents, all "authority" (anyone who felt they knew more than me). I did not want to upset or displease others because I was afraid of their reactions. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid of being laughed at. I was even afraid of someone rolling their eyes at me.

From an early age, I was a keen observer and always put myself in others' shoes. I have always had a very strong conscience. I did not give effort to "fight" another with my words or otherwise. I've never hit someone with the intent of hurting them. I am not a fighter. I also have a hard time standing up for myself. I have a hard time when I observe someone hurting emotionally or any other way. So when I say something or do something and there is a negative reaction outside me, I feel guilty and shameful and want to hide in my shell again. The beautiful, expressive, joyful, innocent, caring, loving, fun me goes into hiding and hates herself and beats herself up for someone else's reaction/feelings. It kills me to see them hurt. I feel their hurt, my own hurt (for feeling responsible), and then I hurt myself more with feeling guilt and shame because I feel at fault.

Then life becomes scary because I feel helpless, caring around all this hurt and self-hate, because of the overwhelming complexities and powerful energy in this world. I don't want to hurt, but doing nothing is hurting too.

When I feel joyful, which happens when I feel comfortable expressing my true self, I get so warm and I feel such intense energy inside me, tiny (sporadic) electrical zaps in my body and limbs, a buzzing on my skin, and very strong electricity and vibration in my fingers. When I'm happy being me and in the flow and doing what I love, I feel this warmth and joy and it is my lifeforce. When I question myself, when I doubt myself, when I feel powerless, I feel so cold and painful. I feel dead when I'm not joyous and loving and happy inside.

I know I have a lot of energy (potential) in me and I'm dying to express it freely (kinetic). But when I do, I feel rejected by others. As if it's not normal to have intense or different emotions. Maybe my emotions wouldn't vary so much if people were more accepting of freedom of expression and joy as an adult (I'm 35). People around me are miserable, I'm afraid to show my true self, and I'm letting their negative perspective instill doubt in me about myself.

I do not feel capable of doing anything with this greatness that is in me. I am overwhelmed by it because I'm not used to expressing it fully. There is so much I want to do and can do, that I don't know what to pick (and I don't want to pick just one thing!). I'm interested in so much and I know that when I believe in something, when I back myself with this great inner energy I have (my will, my soul's desire), I can do anything. But only if I believe in my mind. I do...sometimes. But because the belief is not a consistent flow, because I have moments of belief and joy and then moments of self-doubt and discouragement, I am not able to focus my attention and energy for long enough to make Anything happen. This is entirely frustrating. Because I feel I am not accomplishing, and also, I feel rushed....Not by me but by society and my family and friends. They don't believe in me, they question me, because they are comparing me to who I've been in the past and they are scared by this eclectic person who they can't put their finger on. Difference instills worry in others, because they can't understand it. They think something is wrong with me, or they think something is right and it makes them question their own self. I know these are my assumptions, because these doubters are not talking to me much, but I'd like to know...

How do I pursue/live my life the way I want without pausing to absorb the negative energies of others (as someone who worries about others)? I'm afraid to do the wrong thing. I have so lack of belief in myself alone from old conditioning. That is not who I am anymore. So...

How do I let go of that old conditioning for good? How do I just forget about it, and ignore a society that is still operating on old belief patterns? (Especially when I'm in the middle of my old environment?) Also...

How do I find an environment that fits me better?

My body is hurting because I'm holding back. I'm existing in a place and time that is not where I want to be. How do I get to where I want to be?

Thanks,

Lotusfly


updated by @lotusfly: 07/19/17 01:40:05PM
karma
@karma
last year
159 posts

I wish I had `the` answer...

A personal belief is the quite literally upping and leaving the everyone and everything that holds you back - But, as I have said to you in the past, I know this is what I need to do but, I dont know how to

Money (being the God of humanity) is the restriction for myself, If I had it, I would up and leave my job and home in an instant... situate myself in the country far away from civilization and live off the land - simple, quiet, un-invaded space :)

You are wanting to be free in a world that does not understand freedom, we (the majority) believes it is free as it slaves away making money for those at the top, struggling to pay bills, adhering to laws made by man etc etc... The world in which is told it has choices yet is given limited choices to choose from, a world that believes there is nothing wrong with a rich/poor divide, war is for the good of humanity, murder is okay if you wear a uniform, drugging pushing is okay if wearing a white coat - You see the world for what it is and hate it, people will never understand that because it is all they know and are afraid of change.

They have no aim other than towing the line as presented to them to do so, education never freedom of interest, forced to learn a perspective, memorize that perspective, sit an exam and recite detail or you are considered not cleverer enough to get that job to earn that money to pay to eat, clothe, pay those bills and buy a `treat`.... if you are really determined enough fight your way to the top of that field (dog eat dog) earn more, treat more..... yay! success you own expensive items unlike the stupid and lazy ones, you are better than them all :P

You make so many valid comments about being yourself and others that draw you back from expression and well, just being you - I think the fight is a just fight, yet a fight that can never be won. Its a fight that drains and exhausts every part of your being - A fight that at the end of the day isnt worth the effort. Nothing is, not if it leaves you feeling depleted.

I totally identify the existing in a place and time that is not where you want to be..... I think the giant step away from the physical realm/matrix is the opening of the eyes as to not being part of this source any longer.

The problem lay in disconnection from that comfort zone of `better the devil you know` - live the life you have done all the while hating it but, its predictable. Wheres the safety net in the leaving it all behind (this is and has been my biggest obstacle faced to date)

I have no answers, I wish I knew how / or had the means to, to break free myself .....

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

Thank you all for your comments. Writing the post helped me to gain direction, which I pursued with great ambition and desire and resolve, canceling things out of my life that don't fit my new path. Though now, less than one week later, after reviewing my finances, I feel that I don't have enough money to do what I want to do and I no longer feel confident about my direction. Instead I feel fear and that has dampened my creativity, path, and soul's purpose. I friggin hate this world. Honestly. I have a blueprint and I would change it in a heartbeat if I could. I just want to run away to where it is warm and I can do my thing :) My mind is projecting into the future and feels fright for my survival. Though I know all I have is today and if I carry that fear around with me it will ruin today. I want to live according to my instincts, according to what I know is right, according to what my soul wants, but I am SO held back by this concrete world and my perspective, based on past conditioning (beliefs, lessons, etc.). I would be so happy to just sore up into enlightenment right now :) Which I could, but my soul wants to play here on Earth until my time is up. And I know this is just a down mood and that I will get through it and back to my good mood. I know how powerful my train of thoughts are in creating my reality. Life shows itself to me based on my perception. I've been noticing this a lot lately. I think I will somehow brainstorm on how to clear this limited/negative thinking with some creative ideas for my situation to get out of this funk. God bless everyone. It hasn't been easy for me to find my way (it's different for everyone; I'm only speaking for my self), but it's becoming more familiar and magical and at least I understand how the boat rocks and how to get myself out of it. This winter weather is a sure drab, but it could be worse. It could also be better. That's just how life is. So I'm going to be grateful for what I have and just meditate on gratitude and love and joy and envision how my life is going to be and bask in that daydream as if it's already happening. I'm going to picture the sun's rays on my face and happy people and changing the world one soul at a time. Because life is a grand creation and we're a part of it. And all of us is a valuable part of life. Peace and love and gratitude~

karma
@karma
last year
159 posts

Money - I hate it!!!!!

It is the God of this world and causes more suffering than anything else - its needed for the most basic of life lines and those without it perish in torment.

Whats the riddle?

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

Thanks for your insightful tip, John :) Yes, the ego - that we all have, to one degree or another, due to occupying a human body and having a human mind, lol - can be a confusing, wish-washy aspect of my self. Someday I hope to work with her better. For now, we are new friends, as she is just showing herself truly and freely for the first time of her life, so she can get a bit carried away at times. But this is essential for her to blossom into her true self. She and I - the whole me, actually - will be ONE and at peace someday :)

BV27
@bv27
last year
5 posts

Hi Lotus-

First forgive me for the long response, but there are many things you bring up and points to cover. I think there were some good responses here but I think Cbxjohn said it best and I would like to expound on JUST BE and give a few similar experiences in my life as you describe. I sat here with some tears in my eyes relating to what you said and rememberfeeling that almost helpless and confusing feeling. I think it is a tad unrealistic to say just run away or remove yourself from people or places. Unless you move to Antarctica, you have to learn to embrace your greatness, because no matter where you are you will find that people will always be people.

I really hate talking about myself, but I think in this group I may be safe to do that. I love how you open with I am overwhelmed by my greatness without explanation I know exactly what you mean. I am considered a very good looking male by the worlds standards and starting in high school I realized that being a good looking, introverted extrovert, type A personality, empath, was not a good thing apparently in high school. Starting in high school I was judged an extreme amount by people who did not like me for no reason at all. I felt this and it hurt, I used to cry myself to sleep thinking I wish I was just normal and I wish I could meet someone who understood me. What hurt the most is how much I loved people and actually cared about their wellbeing, how could they not see this and be so determined to bring me down with their negative feelings and energy towards me?

My first year of college I got a summer job as a door to door salesmen selling home security systems and because I knew people so well, I learned to mirror them and make them immediately comfortable. I was extremely successful doing this and this is when I started really reading books for me. I opened self-help books and books on Goals and all kinds like that.

I came across a saying that changed my life and entire perspective, even though I think I took it differently than what it was meant for. I also changed it up a little but its something like this which you may have heard:

Dont let the Turkeys bring you down, fly like the Eagle that you are.

There is a story by Charlie Page that tells of a baby eagle that fell from its nest only to land in a family of turkeys? He grew upthinking he was a turkey.He ate with the turkeys. He slept with the turkeys. He even acted like a turkey.

Buthe knew in his heart that he wasnt a turkey. And one day he looked up to see an eagle soaring majestically in the afternoon sky.

At that momenthe knew that he was an eagle and he spread his wings and took flight.

The 1ststep is understanding how great you are, which I think you may understand, though I am not sure if you fully understand.

2ndis to realize that there will be people everywhere you go who just dont get IT (IT being the gift/power you possess).

3rdis the realization that those people who dont get IT have their own insecurities, problems, andpains. Their way of coping with their world is to send that negativity to someone else. IT IS NOT PERSONAL TOWARDS YOU, misery just loves company.

4thBe aware of your mind wandering back to the Turkey mentality when it is happening. You feel that pain/bad energy for a second and then remember #3 its not you its them that are hurting so you realize you can live around those people, but you dont need to be with them or like them.

Dont dull your wonder to please the Turkeys. BE Happy, BE Energetic, BE Positive, BE Loving, BE YOU! You were created this way by whatever creator you believe in and it wasnt an accident or flaw.

You were meant to have this powerful gift and use it to help others! Whether you are religious or not read or reread The Parable of the Talents in the Bible in Matthew 25:14-30. It basically tells you you have an obligation to use what you have been given and not bury it or hide it away.

As I end writing this, I know there is so much more to say, but I just want to tell you I feel love for you and I know you will be just fine. Once you get past this hump you will never feel the same ..Good Luck!

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

Omg, thank you, BV27! I cracked up at the turkey story, lol! You are right on :)

I have been living my life trying not to hurt others (because I care about others so much) but dulled my own self as a result of that (sacrificed myself for others). I am just "coming out" - realizing my true nature and self-worth (which we all have, though not all of us is at this point).

You are right that it is not my fault if another feels less about their self because of my positive energy. I am not this way to bring anyone down. In fact, I hope to lift people up, which I have seen happen already :) I am so open right now that I only want people (in public, at least) to receive my positive energy, because my energy/aura is very powerful right now; meaning, people are picking up on it instantly and my reality is manifesting according to my intention and where I direct my energy :)

I will not dull my shine for anyone anymore, though I am still respectful of others and have only good intention. Still working on humble/humility/ego balance, though I think I'm doing pretty good and I'm learning/getting better :) Everything is relative anyway, and I have a super duper heart that loves everything and I need to roll with my newly discovered greatness :) Working on flying from the turkey nest soon ;)

Thank you for sharing your story, advice, and encouragement, and Namaste, soul brother :)

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

It can be lonely, John, but it's better than settling ;)

God and my spirituality is very fulfilling for me :)

What about you?

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