Empath with Children

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Kaolin
@kaolin
last year
28 posts

I have two children whom I share custody with their father on a week by week basis.

I left their father about 6 years ago, and have been steadily growing healthier since then.
I have only recently come about accepting this gift, and have now discovered a lot of things make a lot more sense.

My children are 10 & 12 now, but I recall when they were babies that I struggled whenever they cried, I would actually cringe at their sadness or pain. I use to think that there was something "wrong" with me, or that I was a bad mother; but now it makes sense.
Now that they're older, and hitting the wonderful stages of puberty, I am aware that when they are over loaded with emotions that if I don't ground myself and be careful not to take on their emotions it can quickly escalate; In the past I ended up being just as angry/sad/mad as they were, now I know that I was just picking up their stuff and I am able to support them a little better by not being taken in by their emotions.

However, when they come back from dads, there always seems to be a detox period, especially for my 10 year old daughter. She usually has an emotional out burst in the first hour of being home which includes crying, screaming and slamming doors. I allow her to be emotionally I burn sage, hug her and then she usually relaxes.

My question is, what are some things you've learned that have worked when living with other people? (especially children) I have taught them mediation, grounding (ever since they were little I've asked them to feel their feet to help them ground) and we often go to the local shop to get them whatever crystals they're drawn to.

I do feel that I have done some damage to my children because while I was with their dad I was often unhinged, ungrounded and raged. I know now that wasn't all mine but it was my responsibility and now I am attempting to help my kids heal along with myself. Not an easy task so far. Any experience or helpful hints are welcome. Thank you in advance.


updated by @kaolin: 01/11/17 06:12:49PM
Snap
@snap
last year
103 posts

Well my daughter looooves crystals and I encourage her obsession. I try to limit their exposure to TV/propaganda-machine, though only with so much success. Somehow they're just really grounded and balanced. I think I'm fortunate to have kids when I'm in a much better place. I used to be pretty uptight and angry all too often.

One of the biggest things I focus on with my kids is healthy body/energy. No processed food, getting outside, getting some SUN, minimal sugar. I would hate it if I had limited control over what the kids eat. Obviously they'll decide one day but for now I can heavily influence it.I also give them insights into people they know in subtle ways, especially people with negative energy. Of course they already know at some level but I think it helps them to be more aware.

S

karma
@karma
last year
159 posts

Hi Kaolin

I dont think you have done any damage to your children, kids are not so clueless to emotions in their parents - talking it through and explaining why you reacted this way or that does give them a better understanding and, even brings you closer :) You removed yourself from the emotionally charged relationship they must be able to see the change in you since the separation?

Emotional outbursts are actually kind of healthy at times just to release the energy build up. with kids there needs to be a boundary though - A mistake I made a fair few times was to allow my daughter to be herself in expression - so long as there was good reason for the outburst took a few times to sink in during her teenage years lol....

A very notable trait for me with my daughter (now 22) is when she is ill, I cope fantastically tending to her but, as soon as she recovers, I feel instantly drained - I also feel surges of stress when she is stressed (her job is very demanding) - I feel this with my boyfriend too. - I have to tell myself that there was no stress or angst within me prior to the onset so I know it isnt mine :)

Just a question regarding the custody of your children on a week by week basis - does that mean they live with you one week, their dad the next?

Kaolin
@kaolin
last year
28 posts
Yes that's the current arrangement; one week with me the next with dad. Their household is dry different then ours, a lot more people (step.mom and her two kids) and very busy and loud. I do my best to have a more quiet and calm house - I need that.
karma
@karma
last year
159 posts

That must be quite a toll on both the kids having to up and leave, settle, up and leave again (and for you) One minute a full house the next a silent one.

Is there no other means of a custody settlement? - It sounds as if the kids are finding it hard to adjust to the upheaval every week... I can imagine if you do not get along with their father then an altering of the arrangement may be a struggle? - My daughters father would have done anything just to be awkward if he thought I benefited in any way

Have you spoken to the kids regarding how they feel about the arrangement themselves?

Kaolin
@kaolin
last year
28 posts

I left their father 6 years ago, this is not a new arrangement.It would be exceptionally difficultin family court to changethe custody agreement at this point since it has been 'working' so far. I have spoken to the kids, and they are learning to adjust. It is not easy, ever when there istwo different households, but I see my job as to give them the skills needed to adjust. Thank you for your concern.

Snap
@snap
last year
103 posts

So you don't think their father would discuss other possible arrangements with you? It's best to try to arrange things privately before going to courts, imho. I wouldn't presume it would be exceptionally difficult to change the agreement even in the courts if you can document some reasons. When you say 'working' so far, this likely just means nobody has claimed there are serious issues. If you can document factual events that indicate issues in a fair and balanced way, you can always revisit such things. The difficulty might be documenting it if there are no 'objective' facts evidencing the issues.

Kaolin
@kaolin
last year
28 posts

Snap~ I left their father for very specific reasons including emotional, mental and financial abuse. Therefore to approachhim in changing custody arrangements is not something I am planning on doing any time soon. These forms of abuseare not things courts yetconsider issues and not something easy to prove. I work in the VAW field and these are not 'assumptions'; courts do not consider these serious issues and honestly I do not have the strength yet to pursue that. He is not a man that would discuss other arrangements.

I did not post this to request suggestions on how to change the custody situation but rather I was asking for experience on how to best help the children and myself handle the different energies that affect us. (such as your first reply snap)

I understand that you are all trying to help and thank you for that.

karma
@karma
last year
159 posts

Hi Kaaolin

I think snap and I have proven the empath over thinks and tries to help a little too much at times

You are more than right, you did not post requesting any such suggestion on changing the custody situation, I arose with this and I am sorry for being so intrusive.

- The problem with this world today is we are bogged down by rules, laws and decisions of others and in this case it is indeed a way of working around them to lessen any stress

You are a loving and caring mother, that is what matters.

Sage is a very good home cleansing agent :)

I smudge every few months or so (or if I feel a need to).

I go through each room into the corners, under the beds, in cupboards etc - its another suggestion but, only as a means to release energy buildups - Puberty has many energies attached and it may help?

Snap
@snap
last year
103 posts

Hi Kaolin,

I was honestly a little unsure exactly what you were asking in your first post, but I'm interested in the topic. I certainly hope I wasn't intrusive.

For others, not so much for you, the courts most certainly do consider things such as intentional infliction of emotional distress and financial abuse arising from such things as undue influence. However, as both you (Kaolin) and I said, it's tough proving someone has caused emotional distress unless there are 'outrageous' behaviors that can be proven etc.

I wasn't suggesting how to change anything, just making observations regarding this after you stated it would be exceptionally difficult ... you may well be right, and if the observations were not welcome, my apologies.

Best, S

Kaolin
@kaolin
last year
28 posts
Again thank you both for your insights and trying to help - it is appreciated - I could sage more and be more diligent with meditation practice with my kids - and yes I am attempting to lessen the stress for all of us by looking for more tools.
Snap
@snap
last year
103 posts

Kaolin, have you tried orgonite? I find it incredibly useful for dealing with negative energy. It's by no means a 'cure' for me but it seems to help clear and balance my own energy and assist me to deal with stuff. I tried it on myself before getting some for my daughter; now I like her to have it when she's at school. For emf if nothing else, but also for dealing with other negative energy.

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
last year
787 posts
I would just like to say...I wish my mother was like you...lol...your kids are lucky to have a mother who's in touch with self and understanding and willing to talk about stuff with her children,.. about the energy and teach them how to identify issues...know when to back away and let them decompress in their own way without judgement.. and teaching them how to deal with it in a positive manner.. ...that's all any child needs to become well rounded adults...teaching how to manage unhappy and scary issues is very important...and most parents never do that with their children...so I think your awesome!
Kaolin
@kaolin
last year
28 posts

Wow...thanks Karen...I often question my parenting...thank you for the kind words. Doing the best I can~ just as everyone! :) <3

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