So I took the day off from work today because I needed some time away from the warehouse that I work at. I felt like being there was draining the life out of me. And I've been finding it increasingly difficult to be working there this month. Not sure if that has anything to do with mercury being in retrograde or what but lets just say works been hell.
I called in this morning and went back to bed and got to sleep in, which was absolutely fantastic. I needed that extra bit of sleep. My body was sore, and I felt lifeless. I knew if I had gone to work I only would have felt worse by being there. So even though I used up some of my time off for work by not showing up, I felt that it was well spent. That the bit of my sanity that I regained from missing work will make up for the decrease in my next paycheck. Or at least, that's what I'm telling myself ... lol.
Anyway, after I decided that I've slept in enough (which is crazy for me to say as I could have slept all day if I so chose) I got up and did my morning routine, and then when I had the house to myself, I began to reflect on things with my ex. I had last been with him on Sunday night. I started to reminisce my time with him. How I've enjoyed every moment we spent together. How I know that I'll always love him. How he is my favorite time of my life. I recalled the moment I first felt something for him. The moment I realized that I loved him. The adventures we had at the beginning of our relationship. And how I miss it all so much. I sat there on my kitchen counter, speaking allowed to myself, with tears streaking down my face. Occasionally wiping them away. The odd thing about all of this was that even though I was missing him and that I was crying, I wasn't sad. Not like how I have been before, anyway. And I realized that it was because I was focusing on love and not my "loss". Once I realized that, I knew that was my key to healing myself. Just focusing on what I know to be true which is my love. For myself as much as my love for him. None of this means that I don't want to be with him. I do. Just as much as I always have. But I know that we still care about each other. I know that he's still in my life and I am so grateful for that. And I know we can work through this. Right now, it's our time to heal ourselves of our pain from our pasts. Separately. That's what was so hard for me to come to terms with. Separately. But I know now that we aren't really separate because we still have that connection.
Right after that whole moment on my counter he texted me saying that he hoped that I was feeling better. I had been feeling sick to my stomach. This was around 11 am. I responded saying that I felt better after getting some much needed rest and thanked him for asking. Just over 30 minutes later, he texted me again saying that he was at Urgent Care. That he was having loss of breath, chest tightening, and heart palpitations and so was getting checked out. Then he said that it was a panic attack and that this happened around 11ish. I was so worried about him. I still am even though he says he's okay. But the truth is, I know that he's not. He's suppressing things. I can tell that he's been off lately. He hasn't worked much all this month. We work at the same building and he says he's tired of being there. Much like I am. It just breaks my heart to see him like this. And I wish he would open up to me. I'm not trying to heal him. I know that he is the only one who can heal himself and that has to be when he is ready to face his problems and I can't make him be ready for that. All I want is for him to let me know what's bothering him. I know that talking about it is a form of release which is why I do it all the time. Even if it's just talking to myself like some crazy person. So I just let him know that I'm here if he needs to talk. And that's all I can do. Which, of course drives me nuts.
I don't know, I just find this all very weird and I'm not sure what to make of it. I wish I knew what caused his panic attack. I know that sometimes it's not always known what the cause is. Especially when you've been suppressing your emotions for so long. Just thought I should share this and see what you guys think. Anyone going through something similar? Any advice? I find myself really wanting to talk about the deeper meaning of things and I figure, this is a good start.
Hope all is well with everyone. <3
updated by @crystalrose: 07/24/18 04:55:35AM