Upcoming Funeral

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Blink
@blink
last year
10 posts

Hi. I am still very new to all this, and have only just joined. I saw other people being brave with their posts so thought I would follow their lead... I was hoping to get some helpful advice, if that's OK..?

I have a family funeral coming up next week which will be laced with a bitter family feud. I am really really anxious about this, as I know from previous experience I tend to absorb all the anguish + negativity of the situation + it becomes far too much...More so because it's family I think. I have thought about not going but that's not really an option, + I believe only serve to make matters worse in the long run. As I am very closely related with one of the feuding family members, who's not very good at managing her anger, pain + upset, + has a tendency to be a bit of a fireball, + lash out. She is very articulated, + knows how to deliver a verbal assassination, with all the blazing hatred behind it. This is just one element of her, + it's born from a pain + a vulnerability, trying to protect herself, but it doesn't make it any easier to be on the recieving end of it at all, + I am terrified of what she'll say next. Not to mention who I can talk to at the funeral, who I can't talk to... Where's the line between being a peace keeper + being disloyal??! I have already been accused of it, + I really don't think I was. Am I even allowed to grieve?

There are so many deep seated issues with a lot of pain, anger, + resentment. There is also the loss of our loved one we're meant to be saying goodbye to, + who she was. I'm afraid I'm going to be spending the whole day dodging + managing others emotions, trying to figure out what's expected of me... Watching the politics + trying not to say anything stupid... Trying to stay safe, + avoid any further verbal obliteration + painful + devastating emotional bombs. It's horrendous enough being around it all, I don't want it directed at me as well!

Sorry. Despite my best efforts, it's all come out as a bit of a ramble...

I'm trying the survival guide but any other tips would be very welcome. I really don't want to get involved in anything angry, but I'm being put into a very difficult situation where people's emotions are overruling, + too much. I don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading, even if you can't help. I hope your day is filled with love + sunshine!


updated by @blink: 01/10/17 03:51:42PM
Trevor Lewis
@trevor-lewis
last year
272 posts

Hi Blink,

I seem to be posting this every few weeks here (apologies to repeat readers). I am glad you are using Elise'sEmpath Survival Program. A few other pointers:

  1. Donna Eden'sZip Up Technique
  2. theTools for the Empathgroup
  3. Thriving As An Empath - "we suffer as empaths when we are only in receptor mode, we thrive as empaths when we step into healer mode". The technique in this paper is my own favorite for reasons that will be obvious when you go there AND IT WAS GIVEN TO ME BY THE GUIDES SPECIFICALLY FOR A FRIEND WHO WAS GOING TO A FUNERAL. I personally use this technique every day and many of the people I have shared this with have had a lot of success with the exercise contained here. The main principle here is that it is about reversing the flow so that instead of from-them-to-you it becomes from-Source-through-you-to-them.

Post for us all when you are going to the funeral and we can all send you supportive energy.

Good luck and let us know how you get on.

Blessings,

Trevor

Blink
@blink
last year
10 posts

Hi Trevor.

Thank you so much for replying, + for the pointers given. I will definitely have a look!

The funeral is on Thursday next week.

Thanks again.

Blink
@blink
last year
10 posts

Hello again, Trevor. Managed to find another source for the zip up technique, as the link doesn't seem to be valid anymore. It kept telling me the video didn't exist. Sadly the last link you gave me to follow, although my tablet is saying it has downloaded the attachment, it says the file can't be opened. Any ideas?

Many thanks

ConfuciousFeels
@confuciousfeels
last year
35 posts

Trevors post is pretty helpful since many empaths have experienced this same thing before. We can learn from others struggles to help minimize ours. :)

I'm glad you found a video link for Zip Up Technique. Even if the last attachment doesn't download properly, you still have a lot of really good information in the link he posted about Thriving as an Empath (The post itself).

In the meantime, I only know this - Yes, it is ok for you to grieve. You should be! I realize the tension will be hard to manage especially when you feel everyone elses animosity. No, it won't be easy and yes there are techniques that can help control these things (handle them better) as you progress on into your gifts. This website is perfect for that.

Including posts! My goodness, post as much as you want!!!! Nothing is too taboo - we are all "weirdos" (no disrespect to anyone) and personally, I like to let my "weirdo" shine bright!

Best advice I can give for you now, I believe, is don't be afraid to disappear (out of the building, take a walk, etc) when things become almost too much. In fact, do it before it gets to that point - make a point to listen to yourself. Any "issues" you get from disappearing won't be nearly as bad as "sucking it up and dealing with it all". And remember your meditation. Before, during, and after if necessary. :)

My condolences all the way and I'll pray for good measure for this upcoming challenge. By the end, without realizing it, you'll be stronger than you were before it all happened. Life is amazing that way.

Love and light Lovey .... :)

Trevor Lewis
@trevor-lewis
last year
272 posts

Nice reply, Confucius! Great advice! In addition, when you get home, Blink, put your clothes in the washing machine and take a shower or an epsom salts bath. Wash all that "stuff" off you!
T

Trevor Lewis
@trevor-lewis
last year
272 posts

Donna Eden'sZip Up Technique (at 7:15 in the video) is a valid link (at least at time of posting!)

Blink
@blink
last year
10 posts

Thank you. I still haven't been able to access the Thriving as an Empath file. My tablet has downloaded it, no problem, it just keeps telling me it can't open it though. Wondering if I might get a different result using my laptop instead, though, so will try that once it's charged up a bit.

Trevor Lewis
@trevor-lewis
last year
272 posts

OK I have cut and pasted it into a blog on this site instead. See http://empathcommunity.eliselebeau.com/profiles/blogs/thriving-as-an-empath-the-light-projector-exercise

That should work much better.

Visitor
@visitor
last year
303 posts

Hi Blink, I'm a newbie and don't know much, but I think you should go to the funeral. If I were in your shoes, I'd go to the doctor and get some Xanax, show up to the funeral, and make a hasty exit if you need to. Say that you're not feeling well (and I'm sure that will be true).

Evolving
@evolving
last year
46 posts

Hello, Blink!

On Wednesday of this week, I just attended the funeral of my 93 year old ex-mother-in-law. I've been divorced from my ex-husband for 18 years, and have not seen my in-laws for about the past 6 years, as I'd moved away and started another life for myself. I am well aware of the tension that existed among these family members for years - who likes to create drama and stir the pot, who likes being bossy and who is genuinely kind. My ex has been estranged from his own family for the past 12 years that I'm aware of...he was living overseas for quite a number of years. He's back in the area and elected to not attend the funeral. Only 1 person asked me if I was ever in touch with my ex, and I quickly pronounced that we hadn't been in touch for many years. This stopped any further probing.

Our 31 year old daughter has tried to have a relationship with her Dad's family over the years, but in her opinion, "everyone still treats me like I'm a kid, and always wants to tell me what to do." She also has been criticized by them for her choices in life. No one has been involved enough to know the difficulties that she's worked hard to overcome over the past 12 years. In the past 5 years, she's elected to stay away from their drama, but still went to visit her Grandma when she was able. They were very close when she was young, as Grandma babysat for me for the first 5 years, until she went to school.

So, now that you have the background....I wanted to pay my last respects to this woman that I used to be close to up until the time my ex and I separated. She blamed me for our problems, without ever asking what was going on in the marriage. After that, I was on friendly and civilized terms with her, but we lost the closeness that we once had. (She used to refer to me as the daughter that she never had.) I was a nervous about attending...not knowing if I'd be welcomed or ostracized. My mind was going in many directions, trying to cover all of the bases of potential conversations.

I hope to reassure you, that what you build up in your mind, is usually far worse than what happens. As it turned out, it was a very subdued affair. I saw so many people from my past, who also came to pay their respects, that I never even thought that I'd see. They were genuinely happy to see me, and we shared very sweet and meaningful conversations. My ex-brothers in law and their wives were polite, shared smiles and hugs, and kept the conversations very light. I got the distinct feeling that no one wanted to dredge up the past or talk about anything that was unpleasant. Within an hour or so of being at the post-luncheon, I was able to breathe and carry on casual conversations with everyone.

My daughter was so glad that I went as a support to her, and I was glad to honor the memory of my late mother in law. It helped that I kept that as my focus, and to remember that no matter what happened, that the day was all about remembering the good times that we shared, and truly sharing my sadness with the family for their loss. I left feeling happy and proud of myself that I went, and the bonus was that I got to teach my grandchildren about the funeral process.

I don't know if any of this is helpful to you...please remember that you do have the choice to walk away from any uncomfortable situation. You can be polite and just say, "I don't want to get into any of this today." Be firm and true to yourself. Look into your heart and honor what you feel is right for you.

Best of luck to you! Please let us know how it turns out.

Hugs,

Evolving

Blink
@blink
last year
10 posts

Thanks Eva, + indeed everyone else for your helpful suggestions!

I have been struggling with a physically tight + uncomfortable feeling in my chest for sometime, + it has felt very heavy, centrally. It has come + gone over the past months, + sometimes it will also be accompanied by an uncomfortable feeling around my stomach area too, though it has not been as bad as it was on Friday. Friday I felt as though there was no room inside my body. My stomach felt bloated to the point that I was starting to feel the skin pulling. It was something that has been increasing over the week, along with the uncomfortable heavy + full feeling in my chest. My breathing has been being effected too, much shallower, but no wheezing or anything.

After having followed some of the links, reading a bit more, + listening to some meditations, my head was needing a moment to catch up. So whilst pondering all the suggestions + things that I'd learnt, + prompted by Trevor's suggestion of washing all the bad energy away from my clothes as well as myself. I decided having a shower + doing some laundry might be a good idea, whilst I tried to process everything.

This is the thing though... I started my shower + was trying to just clear my mind a little, trying out survival techniques + trying to work out what was mine + what was other people's stuff (struggling a bit with this at times). I was starting to feel a little better + felt maybe 3-5% less physical pressure within my body, but it was so there+ dominant. That's when I remembered the other part of Trevor's advice about the Epsome salts.... I don't know why but for a long time I went off baths, which I used to love, + just taken showers.

Whilst I have had a big bag of Epsome salts under my kitchen counter for quite some time now, + am aware that they are noted to be a bit of a wonder with all the different applications, I had no idea they could have such a powerful + immediate effect! I have heard that they are good for putting in your bath to help with stress + relaxing the muscles, + have tried them out once or twice before, but I don't think my stress levels were anywhere near the same levels at the time. Lol.

I happened to have just a few left over Epsome salts in a jar to hand, so decided to finish my shower off with a shallow soak, + then go on a house hunt for crystals...

WOW!

The bath alone felt like it lifted at least 40% of all the internal pressure + swelling I was feeling, throughout. The heaviness was still there, inside, like a tight ball, but slightly less. Was stunned at the change, so remembering that I had bought my daughter a rose quartz sphere on a stand a few years back, I went in search of that + then kept it on me for the rest of the day, + next to me at night. I am a little sceptical still, I mean this is all still very new to me, + a little mind blowing, so I didn't really have any expectations as such, but was/am open to possibilities.... Coincidence really doesn't seem to be a word that fits here, at all though.. it's just too much!!

Throughout the rest of the afternoon + evening my discomfort + heavy heart just seemed to gradually fade away. By the end of the night all symptoms had gone! I have had it in my pocket or to hand ever since...

This was a completely amazing experience for me, + I have been feeling better + better ever since finding this community, + just the overall feeling of love + support that there is here. Thank you so much to Elise for setting this all up! I was a complete lost + crying mess on Wednesday, have felt so alone + hopeless. Then I found all of this, + other people with similar experience to my own, + it's offered me a renewed sense of faith + hope for the future. So thank you so much to all of you for being here!!!xxx

Evolving
@evolving
last year
46 posts

Blink,

So happy that you've discovered sources of relief for yourself! May this trend continue for you!

Hugs and blessings,

Evolving

Snap
@snap
last year
103 posts

Not coming out as a ramble at all.

It's great that people can point to techniques and tools to use.

In my humble opinion, the most fundamental thing is that you choose how you act and you choose what you give your attention to. It's difficult in charged/emotional situations to remember this--well certainly for me anyhow. If you use a technique, it's because you choose to do so, and to my mind that is what gives anything beneficial its power.

You also have the power to say "no" by word or by conduct. If you need to grieve, you have the choice to do so and to tell people you need to do so, even if this is simply by politely withdrawing attention or not engaging.

Steve

Blink
@blink
last year
10 posts

The trouble is, Snap,I say no + then feel nothing but guilty for it. There are very strong ties that make simply walking away very difficult. I am torn between self preservation + wanting to do the right thing by my family.

There is no way for me to make things any better or easier for anyone that I can see, + my last attempt failed miserably + blew up in my face to such an extent that I am still paying for it now + probably will for the foreseeable future... So all there is now is damage limitation, + trying to get through it all without any more additional upset. I can't wait until it's all over. I don't know what to do about repairing the damaged relationship that I'm now seemingly left with. :(

Snap
@snap
last year
103 posts

Blink, I'm not suggesting you don't go. If it were me I'd try to take check of what's happening and how I'm feeling every few minutes. You said you're only closely related with one family members and she struggles with anger. Being there doesn't mean you have to engage in whatever she chooses to say or do. You can politely indicate you will not engage, even if it is simply by not responding or limiting attention.

I'd encourage you to look up natural laws. Nobody can force you to act against your will, and this applies on a moment-by-moment basis. I realize you feel you must attend; it's what you do while you're there that counts. I agree with whoever recommended you walk away for a while if (even before) things become too intense. That is consistent with what I'm saying. It's your choice, and give a reason like "it's overwhelming" if need be. I doubt anyone will see this as unreasonable.

Best, S

Blink
@blink
last year
10 posts

The funeral is at 12 tomorrow + I have been shopping up a storm in my local fossil shop today... I bought an Onyx pendant for my daughter who's also coming, a silver + abalone shell pendant for me. As well as some onyx, obsidian, snowflake obsidian, amethyst, rose quartz, + amazonite beads to hopefully make a couple of bracelets in time for tomorrow...

Have been practicing my positive affirmations + survival pointers too. So fingers crossed, + wish me luck!

Thanks again everyone for your support xx

Evolving
@evolving
last year
46 posts

Yes, me too!

Blink
@blink
last year
10 posts

Hi all. Sorry for not replying yesterday, but was just really wiped out from everything + just needed to recharge a bit.

I don't know where the day went on Wednesday, there just weren't enough hours in the day, + my head was struggling to process+ focus properly. I ended up staying up all night trying to make my protective gem stone bracelet + just make sure I was ready. It got to the time when I dare'nt sleep for fear of not waking up to the alarm. (I tend to be late for things a lot, but it's not for the lack of trying not to be. So big things events are big pressure.)

There was a clear atmosphere + divide through the family. There was some pettiness, shameless nose rubbing, + a bit of an unpleasant atmosphere/ tension, + obviously considerable grief. It was awkward, but all things considered it went well.

It's just such a shame that things are the way they are. We didn't go to the wake, so didn't really get to see some family for more than a few minutes. The family split into 2 groups. One half went to the wake, my half went somewhere else for a meal. It was difficult as there was family we hadn't seen for decades due to such a distance,+ were unable to spend any time with them. Other guests didn't feel they could openly speak to us for fear of reprimand, but got the impression they might have liked to if things hadn't been as they were. It was difficult, but we made it through without there being any big arguments at all, + a lovely family meal afterwards. It was about 11:30pm by the time I finally stopped.

I had a quiet + reflective day yesterday, + got some good sleep. Feeling much better + a huge amount of relief that everyone survived the funeral. Just a little heavy hearted at the situation...

I was wondering though... I bought my daughter an Onyx pendant for the event, but during the meal afterwards the stone fell out of the bit that holds it. I put it back together, but the same thing happened again. I was wondering if that might have held some significance somewhere...? As I had a similar experience with a silver necklace breaking a few years back, that definitely seemed to be a sign/foretelling of events at the time. Or could just be a poorly crafted pendant... What do you guys think?

Trevor Lewis
@trevor-lewis
last year
272 posts

Short answer (only as a possibility):

the Onyx had done it's work and didn't need to be worn any more.

Long answer:

My own experience with a similar occurrence, click here

Glad you got through the day!

Blessings,

Trevor

Evolving
@evolving
last year
46 posts

Blink,

I'm glad for you that you did the self-care that you needed to do for yourself. Glad that you got through the day without any drama. While I get the whole obvious division of family members, your sensitivity about who wished that they could interact with you, helped to bring you to another level of insight that perhaps you didn't have before.

I get it that you're heavy-hearted. That's how I felt coming home after my recent funeral. Life is too short for such narrow-mindedness and bickering. I know that I carry the same desires - for everyone to be healed and all just get along. If only we had a magic wand for such uses....! LOL! I want to be a fixer, too! But, it is healthier to walk away from situations that are unhealthy for YOU!

Interesting story about the pendant. I enjoyed what Trevor shared about his experience. Intuitively, I agree with him!

Be well!

Evolving

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