I don't know who/what I am? No spiritual connection / Confused

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Kera
@kera
last year
22 posts

I'm 20 years old. My whole life I've had social phobia, depression, anxiety, insomnia

I've always felt different. I look at people like they're foreign and odd. It's hard for me to even believe I'm one of them. Humans are so full of hatred and negativity. Human bodies to me are not attractive. They're so imperfect. I break down every night due to being depressed. I hate it here. This world is not right. Life is not enjoyable. Humans disgust me pretty much.

I'm extremely emotional/sensitive. Ill cry over reading about deaths of people or animals.
I'm nice to everyone and try to help out. I'm compassionate and try to understand everyone's way of thinking. Music moves me in such a strong way. Its an escape for me.

I'm on the outside looking in. I prefer to watch, in fact I enjoy(depending) watching. I don't like to get involved. I feel zoned out, or not in tune with reality.

I don't talk. Like at all. English is in a way foreign to me even though I was born in the US 100% american.

I get extreme Deja Vu. Like I KNOW I've had this happen before. Or i remember reading something at this exact moment. When brand new episodes of shows come on sometimes, I've seen them before. I know I have, i can recall what happens. I feel like I've watched them a long time ago.

I believe in True Love. Forever love. Soul Mates. Not the human love. I don't want to get involved with anyone. I feel like I have someone waiting , or maybe its me wishing i have a 'True Love' elsewhere who understands me.

I find myself saying ' I want to go Home' all the time. Yet I live with my parents at 'home'. But its not home. But i don't know where real home is.

Recently I looked up 'I want to go Home' and found out about Star People and Earth Angels. I cried. It resonated with me. I'm not sure if it's because I'm one, or because I'm not alone in my thinking.

I don't know if souls exist. I dont even know if this earth exists or other people. I hope souls exist. I hope its true, so when i die I'm free and don't have to be here anymore. I don't want to be reincarnated.

I love to read about Alien/UFO sightings, and planets. I want proof of something else.

I've tried to tap into Past Lives, or to get some sort of sign about who I am and why I'm here.
However.. Nothing. I've tried clearing my mind, listening to Celtic music.

They say you need to imagine doors and walking through them. However I have Aphantasia. When I close my eyes its just pitch black. I can't imagine or 'see' anything. I talk think, not see think. Its extremely depressing. I cannot picture faces, objects or anything. I dream, but there are no details. I know there is color, but even hair and facial structures i cannot make out.

I don't know what to do. I hope I'm not just some Human who will just die or get reincarnated. I want there to be more. However I can't see angels/demons/spirits/auras. I have no proof or evidence that I'm more than just a plain human.


updated by @kera: 05/08/17 07:05:11AM
Visitor
@visitor
last year
303 posts

You sound like a starseed. I just googled it after reading your post, and I don't believe I'm a star person, but you certainly sound like one. You can be an empath and a starseed both. There are plenty of people who feel like you do - you should get busy and try to connect with them!

Note: I chose my user name "Visitor" because that's what I feel like - a visitor to this planet. I find Earth very rough and violent and far too fast-paced for my comfort. But I'm not interested in space or UFOs or ancient pyramids or anything like that. I feel like I've lived on Earth several times before, at least one lifetime as a Spanish speaker, and at least once as a Native American. I don't really know where I originally came from.

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Hello Kera, I hear you screaming. Very loudly. That's a lot to take in. Have you tried to meditate ? You don't have to visualize to calm yourself. And you need some calming. So much confusion. You need to find yourself and love yourself before you find beauty in dirt. But it's there.So, is this something that's just happen or has it always been this way for you. Your post is so strong and intense it took my breath.
Kera
@kera
last year
22 posts

Thank you so much to everyone who's taken the time to read this and to respond.

I have tried meditating in the past, but I usually give up. Its hard for me to find time when It's quiet in the chaotic house I live in, but i need to keep trying!

I do feel like I'm here to spread love, so lately I've been trying to help out people online by respond to their questions, usually about mental health and emotionally or physically abusive households. Its so hard because there are just so many negative people. I get so upset seeing how uncaring and mean some people are. I like to read the news to see what's going on in the world and I see so many horrid comments on every article. I need to stop letting it get to me. I need to overcome it and continue to spread love and peace.

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
last year
783 posts
Hi...in spite of all that...and not feeling like part of the human race...at this time you are...so you have a human body...which works like every other human body on the planet...In order to open up gifts you may have....you might want to start looking into the Chakra system...and how that could help you with discovering about yourself...opening you Chakras will help you in so many ways...you have a higher self as well...spirit guides and spirit family and friends...and if you ARE from somewhere other than earth...then the spirits of THOSE family are definitely with you...so...don't shut humans out...we be strange for sure...but the universe is all around you...the first place to start is with your self...open your Chakras. ..and learn...
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Well, your in the right place then. We all about Love here. So you can relax, and know your In positive company.
water_lily
@water-lily
last year
90 posts

Hi Kera, I think I've sort of felt something similar, but perhaps I see it differently because I might have been raised a bit differently than you. Specifically, I grew up in a denomination of Christianity the emphasizes doing what you are "called" to do, so trying to figure out my purpose and role in life is forefront in my mind for a lot of my childhood and still sits there today. I don't know if this'll help, but I'll take you through what happened to help me, and maybe you'll take something out of it, or, perhaps your situation is completely different.

Growing up, I felt very much as you described. I was an outsider looking in; my classmates' concerns seemed petty and ridiculous, but looking back, I think it was just that they didn't have the same things going on at home as I did, and if they did, they didn't feel as emotionally connected to it (feel the pain of their families emotions which were beyond the capability of a kid that young to understand); if you haven't felt the pain someone feels when they are emotional manipulated and cheated on, the anger, confusion, and panic that comes from something akin to post-tramatic stress disorder, the pure anger of someone who completely looses their temper, or the confusion of someone who just did something they never thought they could do and is trying to rationalize it, your friend writing a note to the boy you have a crush onis the biggest deal that goes on in your life and seems utterly heart wrenching. I think really understanding that helped me to figure out how most of those people were acting and why they sometimes did bad things to each other; most folks don't fully understand the pain they are causing people until someone does something similarly terrible to them; they have sympathy not empathy. I still felt like an outsider and like I was watching life without experiencing it, but at least I sort of understood why people were behaving the way they were.

From that, I realized that I did have something special, although not entirely unique, of course; I can learn to understand where people are coming from and kind of bridge the gap between some groups that don't quite understand each other especially in situations in which I don't really feel that I am a part (so I have less bias). Being not quite a part of something lets me be somewhat a part of many things :) From that, I found what I want to work towards in life (something that no one really has done and which involves my special set of skills) and I feel like I've found why I am here. But that kind of thinking does sort of lend itself to not being fully aware of how you feel and I sort of left my own personal well-being out of the situation.

So, alongside that realization, I found that I needed to deal with my own emotions and focus and making myself whole. I've dealt with my past, and now I no longer fear my own emotions. I feel stronger and much more a part of things. Don't get me wrong; most people just do not get where I am coming from in a lot of situations and I do still feel different, but at least I am different in a beneficial way :)

Regardless of why you are here or how you got here, you are here. Worrying about finding out how you are different and the things you can't do, probably is not helping you feel much better. Try focusing on what you can do, how you can use your life to make this world full of terrible things slightly less terrible and bring light to the darkest places.

Skeletubbie
@skeletubbie
last year
40 posts

From the comments below, I'd have to agree! You sound like a starseed. I am one as well, following with being an empath. I'm very connected with the whole 'I want to go home' feeling. When I see my parents, I don't see them as my real parents, you know? It's really strange and unfortunate that I see it that way, but I can't control how I feel. I promise that you're not alone with this! I am depressed, and I cry over the smallest things, and I don't go out much because I feel better alone. Trust me, I 100% understand. I don't like most humans either, but we have to deal with them. We're all a species made and born for a reason, and a lot won't understand that because they're not open to be told about their life purpose/soul mission.

As of souls not existing, they definitely do! Well, that's my belief, anyway. If you ever want to vent or chat, you're welcome to send me a message. No judgments.

Merin Eliz
@merin-eliz
last year
100 posts
Wow,you just seems to have describes me. Like really, I have never related so much to a post here before. Humans are kind of the weird. And I've felt what you said here. But, I think I'll go with the other when they say your are a starseed. And you needn't have seen any spirits or anything to know you're one. I haven't seen any angel or anything. I was beginning to wonder if there was something wrong but then I saw your post and I'm glad atleast someone here feels the same. I have had no experience of anything of the sort. But you know, the deep inner calling is something you just can't ignore. However much you try to think otherwise that feeling that you're not one from here just called your and your can't ignore it. I've tried so much to find out what my past live was and just like you o can't imagine any doors or anything. But then I realised that instead of dwelling on the past maybe I can just try and do what I'm supposed to do now. Humans really get on my nerves sometimes. How they ignore the nature, how they get into fights about totally irrelevant things. How they don't realise that there's something more. We most don't, but still on the positive side there are few who have. That's why being here will be of help. Your around people liked you. So you'll love it here! :)
Bing
@bing
last year
547 posts

329_discussions.jpg?width=721330_discussions.jpg331_discussions.jpg332_discussions.jpg333_discussions.jpgHi Kera

I strongly suggest that you pick up a copy of Dolores Cannon's book "The Three Waves of Volunteers and The New Earth" as well her series of books called Convoluted Universe. They will help you realize who and what you really are. Here is a link to the topic Dolores Cannonin the Library of Light.

What you are is a non human entity who has volunteered ( yes you did)to come here at this very critical junction, this nexus, in the history of this world. You are a third wave volunteer and may be from the Pleiades sector. I know a few Pleiades people and they REALLY don't like being here. After your time here is up you will not be coming back, unless you do something that gets you caught up on the wheel of karma. ( suicide or a crime or use your energy in a non productive manner) This is a free will planet, one ofa very few,and is very, very heavy in its energy.It is a learning planet as well. It is like your wearing a suit of mud and hauling it around with you all of the time. The thing is that if this planet is allowed to go "dark" it will affect much more than the present inhabitants and the ripple will be felt not only on this frequency, but across a very wide sector, that is why you are here. You are uniquely qualified to help upgrade the levels of Light, Life and Love on this world by simply being here. You have a very high level of Light energy. That is why people come to you with their problems and talk to you like they have known you all of their lives or that they can sincerely trust you. As an empathic Lightworker you, like very many of us here at the EC, give off a very high level of Light energy. From the spirit realms perspective it is like being a Lighthouse on a craggy, storm filled out cropping. What I want you to know is that you are now NOT alone in this world anymore. If you begin meditation and ask for energy from "back home" it will be sent to you. You will not have access to it unless you ASK for it. Those who are your guides / angels cannot help you unless you ask as this would interfere with your free will. You may have felt the energy ripple through you as a "chill" across your shoulders that leave no goosebumps, you may have also been "blissed" as well. This feels like you are having the love of the universe flow between every cell and membrane of your body and spirit. A few of us have experienced this. I once again wish to stress that you did not "just happen" to find the EC. People "find" the EC when they are ready or need to connect with our kind. If you ever wish to chat or need something researched, as the angels say, just ask. It is really that simple.

Throw some love into the wind.

Bing

Lastars
@lastars
last year
96 posts
HI Kera,
I'm going to give you practical advice as I'm turning 60 this yr and I could have written your letter when your age.
-learn to discipline your mind and your life. Discipline is everything.
The reality is you are in this world and most people are not like you and that is a fact.
Thoughts that are not beneficial to you should be discarded. If you are in your head too much you need to shift to doing things. Accomplish that which moves your Life forward, whether that is organizing a bookshelf or creating a musical masterpiece. Keep active, force yourself to keep moving forward.
-support people in your Life will make a huge difference, continually seek souls like yourself.
-find a release, a passion (or 2) and continually express yourself through this and do not pay attention to what others say about this avenue, it is for you.
-accomplish things, whether small or big. It will make you feel good about yourself.
-diet can influence. Things like coffee or Sugar may be adding to those deep moods.
-get informed about HSP (highly sensitive people). They have shorter iliads in the insula in the brain causing hyper/overload of information. Vids by Elaine Aron are very good.
-homeopathy can help you tremendously!!!

I'm also pretty sure you had severe trauma in your past whether you know about it or not.

Find some words to live by so when you have your dark moments you can grab onto these and have a way to direct your Life back into the direction you truly wish to go.
...~*~...
Kera
@kera
last year
22 posts

Thank you so much for the response and information. I will definitely look into the Chakra system, its something I've heard about but haven't ventured into. Thanks

Kera
@kera
last year
22 posts

Thank you so much for your kindness!

Kera
@kera
last year
22 posts

Thank you so much for the touching response! I do try my best to understand why people act the way they do. When I disagree or find anger in something someone does, I try to find reason as to why they act that way. Its still something I need to work on. I need to be understanding and open.

I haven't had a good childhood.. My therapist says she sees PTSD in me, though I've never been sexually assaulted or to war. I live in a household with parents who aren't very nice. It takes a lot out of me on a daily basis.

Kera
@kera
last year
22 posts

I'm surprised to see so many people who feel the same as me! It's so nice to know I'm not alone. I barely leave the house. When i do its just to go on a car ride so i can look out the window and listen to music. I call my parents mom and dad, but there's not really a connection there. Thank you for your response! I appreciate it!

Kera
@kera
last year
22 posts

Wow! Thank you so much for your response. It's amazing how many people here I can relate to. It makes me so happy to know I'm not alone.

Kera
@kera
last year
22 posts

Thank you so much for the photos and response. The pictures were very touching. I've bookmarked the book and plan to buy it once I have some money.

I've had a tough life fighting with depression, emotionally abusive parents, etc. I can't say suicide hasn't been a 'thought' , however I know I'd never do it. It's never been a real option or way of fixing things.

Thank you so much for the information! I will do more meditating and asking for guidance and energy.

Kera
@kera
last year
22 posts

Thank you so much for the advice! I truly appreciate each and everyone's thoughts and information.

I have recently started an all organic diet. I'm hoping I'll be able to pull through and not give in.

My therapist has said she feels like I have PTSD even though I've never been in a war or haven't been sexually abused. My life has been difficult, I'm still most definitely trying to recover and manage the best I can.

It's funny that you say find some words to live by. I play video games like Final Fantasy, ones with rich stories. A quote that always stuck with me was "This is MY life". It gives me inspiration to not give in, not to change for others, and to live my life the way I want.

As for passions, I like Music, Video games, and Manga. I know that sounds trivial to some, but it's not only an escape, but they provide stories. Unique stories that I learn and grow from.

Bing
@bing
last year
547 posts

334_discussions.jpg335_discussions.jpg336_discussions.jpg337_discussions.png338_discussions.jpg339_discussions.jpgHi Kera

I am including a link to my YouTube channel 1111 Angelswhere you can find hours of videos on meditation, calming music, angels, and other inspiring topics that will help you at this time. We are all doing our best to welcome you to our little oasis of Light, Life and Love in this world. May all that is of the Light surround you and fill you with its presence and LOVE.

Throw some love into the wind.

Bing

Bing
@bing
last year
547 posts

Hi Kera

I watch a series on Netflix called Sense8. It is a bit violent at times, but is popular with some empaths.

As you are looking to eat better buy organic when possible. I am including a link to a very interesting person called Dr. Sebi. Also when you visit my YouTube channel there is a section on Qi Gong exercise. It is like Tai Chi, but is much more powerful in channeling Light energy into you.

Throw some love into the wind

Bing

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

Kera,

Thank you so much for sharing your "unique" experiences. It helps those of us who feel alone realize things about ourselves (I'm talking about me!). I too feel detached from myself. I feel like I was dropped here when I was born. I did some research into my family by talking to different members and looking within myself, and I truly feel that I was born with a karma-free soul, to two parents who are victims of abuse and over-control, and because my mom was pushed by my father when she was pregnant with me (she says this was the first time she thinks he was ever physical with her) and there was likely a lot of fighting and negativity in the world outside my baby body, I did not want to come out and/or my birth was late (one week precisely) so that a different soul (a pure soul) could be put in place of the karmic soul that would have been based on past genes. My birth (a week later) even had to be induced. I clearly did not want to come out into this violent/negative-based world. I believe god or wherever my soul came from wanted to put a pure child in the arms of abuse to...I'm not sure, but I think change the world. Because only those who feel "alien" here, are the only ones who can see that there is a problem with the way humans live here.

I have symptoms of every mental illness in existence. I'm shedding these traits that my sensitive self picked up over the years (I picture it as if velcro covers my body and I'm easily affected by my environment). But I know the truth. I've got into the pain of my past and past generations. I've listened to their stories and I understand it all: we (this world) is a trauma-based world. Everything is subjective (meaning that a human being has put their spin on it) so I don't believe anything I see, read, or hear, not even my own "reality," because I too am in a human body and I cannot fully detach from this personal experience, though I have come close (and I am close) when I dove into my past pain, my trauma, and discovered that my ego (human mind) was the problem. I tried to picture myself without an ego to discover who I truly was, because I felt I was going through an identity crisis and didn't know who I truly was. This has happened before (17 years ago and I was medicated for it, though I reacted badly to the medication and it zapped me of any feeling or sense of self.

Since 2012, I've made some major changes to my life. First I got healthy physically through diet and exercise (exercise is a hugely helpful thing for me to make me tap into my own power and feel more alive and connected to my body). In 2014 I happened to meet a doctor who healed my sensitive body of other ailments and lifestyle changes. He also encouraged me to reduce my meds and try weaning off them because he didn't think I had the mental diagnosis I was given when I had a nervous breakdown at 18 (when I thought I should be ready to tackle the world like everyone else and yet didn't feel like I fit in and that I could handle the world which seemed really harsh). He thought my breakdown was a result of bad lifestyle choices and now that I was healthy, I could learn to tackle life without the meds. He also said that we won't know what I truly "have" (i.e. who I truly am) unless my true self is seen, and that's a healthy me without any prescriptions.

He was right. I don't have the diagnosis I was given. I see symptoms of every single mental illness out there, just coming out of me, as I release these energies I've picked up over the years. They are not me and I'm certain of it. I've done enough research to know that what everyone thinks is the truth here isn't. And anyone who claims to know the truth is not to be believed. I don't even hold what I believe to be truth, and that's being completely objective and seeing the world for what it is. Admiting that not even I know the truth. That's humble and humility in it's purest sense, so I feel I am somewhat closer than the other normals here. And everyone who claims they are right or have an opinion that is not an original idea, is only reiterating something they heard.

I've learned to discover my own truths through meditation. And I feel like I don't fit in here because there is just nothing on this planet that fits me right and I don't want to conform to anything that isn't truly me.

I have found peace in embracing the unknown. I have felt so light that I was free of all stress and worry. I have detached myself from the pressures of this world by not being a "slave" to time, duality, levels (aka labels and better/less than view), so I have truly seen this world as an insider but from an outside perspective. I have fully expressed these personalities and human characteristics that I picked up over my 35 years, in order to shed them, because I know the way to true healing is through expression and feeling until the energy leaves my body. I was an introvert/shy/obeserver for many years and so sensitive and good as a child that I felt like I couldn't stand up for myself when people were cruel (though my experiences are not seen as "that bad" but to a pure soul who only has goodness in her heart, any acts of meanness observed or experience are 10 times as bad as they appear to normals, so please don't downplay what you have experienced as not being true abuse. I was not distinctly sexually or physically abused according to most people's definitions, but being raised by first an alpha male type (step-parent) and then my alcoholic/addict (i.e. manipulating, controlling, enabling birth father), I felt horrible used, abused, powerless, and weak. I was so quiet and shy as a kid. I took on many habits to sooth the pain I observed in my environment and internalized, and I've slowly let go of most of these human habits, when I no longer wanted them. I have very few memories and I'm unable to connect much with my family to get them to talk about my past, but I have pieced together some of it to gain some understanding.

Here are some quotes that helped me:

The truth will set you free.

The only way out is through.

Fear is a feeling, not a reality.

See, this world is the result of trauma and control that goes back to the beginning of time when people began to feel fear. Fear is a projection to the future which doesn't exist. People started to try to predict the future through understanding their environment (outside of them) because they had nothing (no answers) within (in their soul). It was empty because they had no way to confirm anything because they had nothing to compare their experience to. Over the years people have sought answers through nature, the sky, other people, etc. and they still don't have any answers, any definite truth, because there is no way that we will know by looking outside ourselves and using our perspective of the outside to determine who we are within. Now that is my view of the human perspective through what I've learned about history and my own experiences. I have been so many different people and lived so many different lifestyles and have dumbfounded myself and been dumbfounded by the way things change and what was once a truth is now not the case, and the only way people (the majority) realized they were not living according to an "actual" truth was when an original (a pioneer) stood out from the crowd, from the group mentality and proved them wrong. I feel like I am that person. However, when I look back on what happened to the "greats" of our time - Jesus, Galileo, Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King Jr, John Lennon, and many more), they were persecuted and/or killed for their "right" yet completely different vision. I have tried expressing myself in this world and people don't always like it. It's refreshing to some to see someone so liberally expressing their changing emotions, but most become concerned because it seems "odd" to them and they want to do something about it and/or they feel uncomfortable because it brings up thoughts about themselves.

The thing is, I know there is no way I am all these different personalities and every mental illness in the book, and yet I feel so healthy and connected spiritually and free. My true self, I can feel, is a calm, warm center that is peaceful and loving and accepting. And I know that is in everyone, so I reach out, but people fear me as if I'm contagious. I am that way to a sense where I'm easily affected by others' enerergies, but I can now tell which are mine, which are theirs, and which are my ego (my human mind), and which is truly me.

I've done some deep healing to the point where I have felt the range of emotions of grief for myself and my past, all the pain I endured and I no longer feel angry about it. I have literally put myself in my abusers' shoes, because I can see that they (and most people here) are only a product of their pain. I can see their perspective (fear-based/self-preserving reality), how they are viewing me, as well as my human/ego perspective and my true (soul) perspective. But, like I said, I've lived a life of many different perspectives, so I truly have experienced their perspective, but they haven't experienced mine. And my feeling of aloneness is pretty justified. I really was different from the people here. I avoided pain by doing nothing, but then I realized this was "causing" pain (in me and others) when I couldn't speak up for myself or another who was hurting, so I developed a guilt complex and some karma (human mistakes). But I'm shedding all of that and I'm rebirthing. And people don't realize that I "see" more than I tell them and that the little that they see me and their limited perspective is not going to help me. I know the truth, and I know what I need to do. And they (humans/normals) are not kind to totally different people (they medicate them, they take things out on them, they put them away, etc. because they don't know what to do with "different" but try to make it "normal." But the thing is, that is so wrong. Because the different ones are the enlighted ones, the ones who can see things from a different perspective than what is currently existing on this planet, and if the people here keep hurting each other and suppressing originals and labeling, etc., this world is only going to get worse. The people here are literally getting worse as the pain keeps getting pushed forward and children are born with trauma genes already in them.

I'm sorry if this hurts in anyway, but I don't intend it to. People need to wake up. Anything that exists now is not likely the truth. But no one likes that idea of not knowing and unpredictability. But I'm most comfortable with that. (Though having a place to live and people to help take care of your earthly needs is very helpful because at least I know that I have a very hard time living in this world of time constraints and money, which is very unnatural even to humans' natural way of living: instinct (i.e. no control). That is why humans are so messed up! They are trying to control everything and everyone and just that alone is traumatic (when you do something you know is not in line with your natural rhythms or beliefs or wants or desires). Being controlled is what has driven the people on this planet mad. I was there. I was them at one point. Now I'm free. But I'm feeling pressured to rejoin them and was about to give up on my true spiritual self and pursuits due to what others have said to me (literally, not me assuming anything), making me question my own truths. But I can't. I may have to go the middle ground in order to survive here, but I will not give up. It doesn't have to be one way or another. But be careful who you open up to, because I tried freely showing myself and not even the people here stand by me fully. I know I only have me, until I find my people. I know I've been living in a world, and trying to find answers and relate amongst people who are just wrong for me. It's not there fault; it's not mine. But I have to move on and stand by my beliefs. And I hope this has helped you or someone in someway. Because I believe in honesty and truth and showing that I too could be wrong is being humble. The reason being is that we all are in search of the truth and you will know you have found it (or as close as you can get) when you see that the truth is very simple and everyone here has just been complicating things for eternity. There is a reason for this, though. Eventually we (humans) will dissect everything apart so much, go deeper and deeper into such fine detail and create insanity out of trying to grasp details that are ungraspable, and they will either kill their race or go in the completely opposite direction: a very very simple existence (the way things should be). Accepting that it's okay to not know the answer and to just be and to coexist as equals, people helping people, in harmony with nature and just enjoying the feeling of a peaceful heart. Because that is the best feeling in the world. I doubt I'll be around to see this hitting bottom and great change or total destruction, but my goal is to live according to my "truths" - what I have discovered from existing amongst these people but not consumed by their world. I have only lived that way for a matter of several months top, but you'd be surprised how living free of fear and assumptions and solely in the present moment only, how much beauty is around us and how good it feels to just be and not worry not think (I recommend that you spend time in nature if you can and stretch your senses by listening to and observing the beauty of the natural world. It's such a huge difference from the fast-paced, competing world of humans!). That is where I get my philosophies from: nature. It is grand. Mother nature, Earth...she knows how to live, not us, not humans. We've tried to control and manipulate her, but she doesn't give up. She keeps ticking. Earth is not dying, we are killing the things on it, including ourselves, but Earth will not die. Earth survived when the dinosaurs didn't... We are projecting our inner turmoil on the Earth but our environment (our reality) is based on our internal environment. We think mother earth is dying but in actuality we are concerned about our body, mind, and soul. We feel dead, so we think earth feels the same. It's not true.

I wish you the best. And just know that there are others like you. We don't feel like we belong here and we have literally tried to leave our bodies to escape the pain we see and experience. Hurting others in not in line with our beliefs and that is wonderful. Don't let them convince you that there is something wrong with you. You are simply trying to keep yourself safe, preserving yourself. You are a symptom of people if anything (i.e. a reaction to them). You don't want to partake in it and that's okay. Search deep within, and don't be afraid of the dark, you will get through it if you keep going so don't be afraid of it or what you will or will not find (but reach out when you need help even if you can't fully connect with anyone, because there is always some people we can relate to and who help guide us on our personal journey to independence), because there is a light at the end, I promise. You will find your soul. Your soul is your compass. Listen to it. The more you follow it, the stronger you will feel that you are following the right path.

Best to you, Kera.

Lotusfly

Merin Eliz
@merin-eliz
last year
100 posts
Thank you for this comment. As lot of things you said resonated with me. :)
water_lily
@water-lily
last year
90 posts

I had a difficult childhood as well. I've also never been to war or sexually assaulted but I sometimes react to things as if I did. My personal theory is that being empathic makes traumatic events much more traumatic. You feel everyone around you's feelings and that can be overwhelming especially in bad circumstances and, if you are anything like me, sometimes other people's feelings overwhelm your own. For me, itexacerbated the feelings of disconnectedness. Kind of counter-intuitive. I think moving out and away from my family made all the difference. I love them (probably more now than when I lived around them), but it is good for me to be away from them most of the time :) If you have theopportunity to getaway from your parents and any other negative influences, I'd recommend it. I don't know if this gives you some hope; I'm just in my mid-20s now, and I was still feeling a lot like you seem to be feeling at your age.

Lastars
@lastars
last year
96 posts
I actually wonder if early trauma can create Empaths, hyper sensitivity.Children growing up in difficult circumstances can become hyper-vigilant as it is a mechanism with the intent of detecting any signal that could mean a dangerous situation, serving as early detection.I have PTSD and it can come as a result of many things, for me it was open heart surgery at 5 yrs old that started it and then other things later.
Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts

Thanks for your comment as well, Merin. It means a lot :)

Kera
@kera
last year
22 posts

Thank you for the recommendations. I've been eating much better this past week. I haven't done any meditating, I've been a little down. Thank you!

Kera
@kera
last year
22 posts

I'm so sorry for taking so long to respond!

Thank you so much for this response. It was so beautiful to read and very encouraging that someone feels like I do.

I've always been positive, and I try not to look at the negatives. I put myself in others shoes and try my best to understand why one would do something or feel the way they do.

I've been trying to spread positivity and love. However, There's more hateful/negative people than positive. I see so many horrid responses, and people saying others should die. Its so sad and brings me down. I've been afraid to even post positive comments as I get a ton of negativity. Its definitely taking a toll on me, and making me want to give up.

From reading your response though, I feel more understanding. Pain and negativity breeds pain and negativity. People cannot love or express love when they themselves have never gotten it. Most people were taught their way of thinking.

I try to help people be more open and understanding. However this world is too far gone in my opinion. No one really even cares or wants to be nicer or more understanding.

I've been struggling with myself and I'm still trying to figure it out..

I don't like pills at all. I'm on only a sleeping pill right now. I tried going without it but I do not sleep at all. I feel bad about taking it since Its not natural, But If i don't take it I don't sleep at all and I just feel even more down. :/

who_am_I
@who-am-i
last year
27 posts

Hey Kera,

I can relate to every single word you wrote in your post. I am 19 years old and I feel the exact same way you do. Add me as a friend, I send you a friend request. Maybe we can chat and help each other out. Its not often you find someone that relates to you so closely, I would really like to talk.

Kera
@kera
last year
22 posts

Accepted! I'm so suprised by all the responses I got and people saying they feel the same way. I always thought there was just something wrong with me

Bing
@bing
last year
547 posts

340_discussions.jpg341_discussions.jpg342_discussions.jpgThrow some love into the wind.

Bing

Kit Kat
@kit-kat
last year
230 posts

I know a lot of people have replied, but I just want to be another voice telling you you're not alone :) There are SO many times I want to go home, and yet I live at home, too...

Thankfully I have a strong belief that there is a God, and that we can return to Him after our lives on earth. It's this truth that really has set me free. And I know that we'll really be home in His kingdom.

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