Thank you so much for sharing your "unique" experiences. It helps those of us who feel alone realize things about ourselves (I'm talking about me!). I too feel detached from myself. I feel like I was dropped here when I was born. I did some research into my family by talking to different members and looking within myself, and I truly feel that I was born with a karma-free soul, to two parents who are victims of abuse and over-control, and because my mom was pushed by my father when she was pregnant with me (she says this was the first time she thinks he was ever physical with her) and there was likely a lot of fighting and negativity in the world outside my baby body, I did not want to come out and/or my birth was late (one week precisely) so that a different soul (a pure soul) could be put in place of the karmic soul that would have been based on past genes. My birth (a week later) even had to be induced. I clearly did not want to come out into this violent/negative-based world. I believe god or wherever my soul came from wanted to put a pure child in the arms of abuse to...I'm not sure, but I think change the world. Because only those who feel "alien" here, are the only ones who can see that there is a problem with the way humans live here.
I have symptoms of every mental illness in existence. I'm shedding these traits that my sensitive self picked up over the years (I picture it as if velcro covers my body and I'm easily affected by my environment). But I know the truth. I've got into the pain of my past and past generations. I've listened to their stories and I understand it all: we (this world) is a trauma-based world. Everything is subjective (meaning that a human being has put their spin on it) so I don't believe anything I see, read, or hear, not even my own "reality," because I too am in a human body and I cannot fully detach from this personal experience, though I have come close (and I am close) when I dove into my past pain, my trauma, and discovered that my ego (human mind) was the problem. I tried to picture myself without an ego to discover who I truly was, because I felt I was going through an identity crisis and didn't know who I truly was. This has happened before (17 years ago and I was medicated for it, though I reacted badly to the medication and it zapped me of any feeling or sense of self.
Since 2012, I've made some major changes to my life. First I got healthy physically through diet and exercise (exercise is a hugely helpful thing for me to make me tap into my own power and feel more alive and connected to my body). In 2014 I happened to meet a doctor who healed my sensitive body of other ailments and lifestyle changes. He also encouraged me to reduce my meds and try weaning off them because he didn't think I had the mental diagnosis I was given when I had a nervous breakdown at 18 (when I thought I should be ready to tackle the world like everyone else and yet didn't feel like I fit in and that I could handle the world which seemed really harsh). He thought my breakdown was a result of bad lifestyle choices and now that I was healthy, I could learn to tackle life without the meds. He also said that we won't know what I truly "have" (i.e. who I truly am) unless my true self is seen, and that's a healthy me without any prescriptions.
He was right. I don't have the diagnosis I was given. I see symptoms of every single mental illness out there, just coming out of me, as I release these energies I've picked up over the years. They are not me and I'm certain of it. I've done enough research to know that what everyone thinks is the truth here isn't. And anyone who claims to know the truth is not to be believed. I don't even hold what I believe to be truth, and that's being completely objective and seeing the world for what it is. Admiting that not even I know the truth. That's humble and humility in it's purest sense, so I feel I am somewhat closer than the other normals here. And everyone who claims they are right or have an opinion that is not an original idea, is only reiterating something they heard.
I've learned to discover my own truths through meditation. And I feel like I don't fit in here because there is just nothing on this planet that fits me right and I don't want to conform to anything that isn't truly me.
I have found peace in embracing the unknown. I have felt so light that I was free of all stress and worry. I have detached myself from the pressures of this world by not being a "slave" to time, duality, levels (aka labels and better/less than view), so I have truly seen this world as an insider but from an outside perspective. I have fully expressed these personalities and human characteristics that I picked up over my 35 years, in order to shed them, because I know the way to true healing is through expression and feeling until the energy leaves my body. I was an introvert/shy/obeserver for many years and so sensitive and good as a child that I felt like I couldn't stand up for myself when people were cruel (though my experiences are not seen as "that bad" but to a pure soul who only has goodness in her heart, any acts of meanness observed or experience are 10 times as bad as they appear to normals, so please don't downplay what you have experienced as not being true abuse. I was not distinctly sexually or physically abused according to most people's definitions, but being raised by first an alpha male type (step-parent) and then my alcoholic/addict (i.e. manipulating, controlling, enabling birth father), I felt horrible used, abused, powerless, and weak. I was so quiet and shy as a kid. I took on many habits to sooth the pain I observed in my environment and internalized, and I've slowly let go of most of these human habits, when I no longer wanted them. I have very few memories and I'm unable to connect much with my family to get them to talk about my past, but I have pieced together some of it to gain some understanding.
Here are some quotes that helped me:
The truth will set you free.
The only way out is through.
Fear is a feeling, not a reality.
See, this world is the result of trauma and control that goes back to the beginning of time when people began to feel fear. Fear is a projection to the future which doesn't exist. People started to try to predict the future through understanding their environment (outside of them) because they had nothing (no answers) within (in their soul). It was empty because they had no way to confirm anything because they had nothing to compare their experience to. Over the years people have sought answers through nature, the sky, other people, etc. and they still don't have any answers, any definite truth, because there is no way that we will know by looking outside ourselves and using our perspective of the outside to determine who we are within. Now that is my view of the human perspective through what I've learned about history and my own experiences. I have been so many different people and lived so many different lifestyles and have dumbfounded myself and been dumbfounded by the way things change and what was once a truth is now not the case, and the only way people (the majority) realized they were not living according to an "actual" truth was when an original (a pioneer) stood out from the crowd, from the group mentality and proved them wrong. I feel like I am that person. However, when I look back on what happened to the "greats" of our time - Jesus, Galileo, Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King Jr, John Lennon, and many more), they were persecuted and/or killed for their "right" yet completely different vision. I have tried expressing myself in this world and people don't always like it. It's refreshing to some to see someone so liberally expressing their changing emotions, but most become concerned because it seems "odd" to them and they want to do something about it and/or they feel uncomfortable because it brings up thoughts about themselves.
The thing is, I know there is no way I am all these different personalities and every mental illness in the book, and yet I feel so healthy and connected spiritually and free. My true self, I can feel, is a calm, warm center that is peaceful and loving and accepting. And I know that is in everyone, so I reach out, but people fear me as if I'm contagious. I am that way to a sense where I'm easily affected by others' enerergies, but I can now tell which are mine, which are theirs, and which are my ego (my human mind), and which is truly me.
I've done some deep healing to the point where I have felt the range of emotions of grief for myself and my past, all the pain I endured and I no longer feel angry about it. I have literally put myself in my abusers' shoes, because I can see that they (and most people here) are only a product of their pain. I can see their perspective (fear-based/self-preserving reality), how they are viewing me, as well as my human/ego perspective and my true (soul) perspective. But, like I said, I've lived a life of many different perspectives, so I truly have experienced their perspective, but they haven't experienced mine. And my feeling of aloneness is pretty justified. I really was different from the people here. I avoided pain by doing nothing, but then I realized this was "causing" pain (in me and others) when I couldn't speak up for myself or another who was hurting, so I developed a guilt complex and some karma (human mistakes). But I'm shedding all of that and I'm rebirthing. And people don't realize that I "see" more than I tell them and that the little that they see me and their limited perspective is not going to help me. I know the truth, and I know what I need to do. And they (humans/normals) are not kind to totally different people (they medicate them, they take things out on them, they put them away, etc. because they don't know what to do with "different" but try to make it "normal." But the thing is, that is so wrong. Because the different ones are the enlighted ones, the ones who can see things from a different perspective than what is currently existing on this planet, and if the people here keep hurting each other and suppressing originals and labeling, etc., this world is only going to get worse. The people here are literally getting worse as the pain keeps getting pushed forward and children are born with trauma genes already in them.
I'm sorry if this hurts in anyway, but I don't intend it to. People need to wake up. Anything that exists now is not likely the truth. But no one likes that idea of not knowing and unpredictability. But I'm most comfortable with that. (Though having a place to live and people to help take care of your earthly needs is very helpful because at least I know that I have a very hard time living in this world of time constraints and money, which is very unnatural even to humans' natural way of living: instinct (i.e. no control). That is why humans are so messed up! They are trying to control everything and everyone and just that alone is traumatic (when you do something you know is not in line with your natural rhythms or beliefs or wants or desires). Being controlled is what has driven the people on this planet mad. I was there. I was them at one point. Now I'm free. But I'm feeling pressured to rejoin them and was about to give up on my true spiritual self and pursuits due to what others have said to me (literally, not me assuming anything), making me question my own truths. But I can't. I may have to go the middle ground in order to survive here, but I will not give up. It doesn't have to be one way or another. But be careful who you open up to, because I tried freely showing myself and not even the people here stand by me fully. I know I only have me, until I find my people. I know I've been living in a world, and trying to find answers and relate amongst people who are just wrong for me. It's not there fault; it's not mine. But I have to move on and stand by my beliefs. And I hope this has helped you or someone in someway. Because I believe in honesty and truth and showing that I too could be wrong is being humble. The reason being is that we all are in search of the truth and you will know you have found it (or as close as you can get) when you see that the truth is very simple and everyone here has just been complicating things for eternity. There is a reason for this, though. Eventually we (humans) will dissect everything apart so much, go deeper and deeper into such fine detail and create insanity out of trying to grasp details that are ungraspable, and they will either kill their race or go in the completely opposite direction: a very very simple existence (the way things should be). Accepting that it's okay to not know the answer and to just be and to coexist as equals, people helping people, in harmony with nature and just enjoying the feeling of a peaceful heart. Because that is the best feeling in the world. I doubt I'll be around to see this hitting bottom and great change or total destruction, but my goal is to live according to my "truths" - what I have discovered from existing amongst these people but not consumed by their world. I have only lived that way for a matter of several months top, but you'd be surprised how living free of fear and assumptions and solely in the present moment only, how much beauty is around us and how good it feels to just be and not worry not think (I recommend that you spend time in nature if you can and stretch your senses by listening to and observing the beauty of the natural world. It's such a huge difference from the fast-paced, competing world of humans!). That is where I get my philosophies from: nature. It is grand. Mother nature, Earth...she knows how to live, not us, not humans. We've tried to control and manipulate her, but she doesn't give up. She keeps ticking. Earth is not dying, we are killing the things on it, including ourselves, but Earth will not die. Earth survived when the dinosaurs didn't... We are projecting our inner turmoil on the Earth but our environment (our reality) is based on our internal environment. We think mother earth is dying but in actuality we are concerned about our body, mind, and soul. We feel dead, so we think earth feels the same. It's not true.
I wish you the best. And just know that there are others like you. We don't feel like we belong here and we have literally tried to leave our bodies to escape the pain we see and experience. Hurting others in not in line with our beliefs and that is wonderful. Don't let them convince you that there is something wrong with you. You are simply trying to keep yourself safe, preserving yourself. You are a symptom of people if anything (i.e. a reaction to them). You don't want to partake in it and that's okay. Search deep within, and don't be afraid of the dark, you will get through it if you keep going so don't be afraid of it or what you will or will not find (but reach out when you need help even if you can't fully connect with anyone, because there is always some people we can relate to and who help guide us on our personal journey to independence), because there is a light at the end, I promise. You will find your soul. Your soul is your compass. Listen to it. The more you follow it, the stronger you will feel that you are following the right path.
Best to you, Kera.