I'm a Christian, although I was raised agnostic, and I have never stopped believing in God. But lately I've been very angry with him and questioning him, like "What are you thinking? How could you let this happen?"
It sounds like life kicked you hard and no wonder you're angry and hurt. That doesn't mean God doesn't exist, but if you're angry at him, I can certainly understand why. I think it's very normal to question God and faith and religion. I think it's part of the healing process.
I was certainly raised Christian and although I don't practice any organized religion anymore, I still very much love Jesus and the love that is his message.
One thing I do believe is that God made you and you are perfect just as you are! Emotions including anger are part of being human - part of how we are made. Bring your anger to God. God has big shoulders. You can trust him/her/it (I'm sorry, I just can't do the old man/white beard thing lol) with any and all of your emotions. They are part of the deal.
I don't think God would expect us to be saints. I think we come here to experience this life - the good/the bad - the journey. Accept and love yourself - that honors God. Honor your feelings - that honors God. You can't live in this world without getting angry (even at God). It's a tough place - unfair and incomprehensible at times.
Emotions come and go - they're like the weather. Don't fight them - just feel them. Where do you feel the anger in your body? Just feel it - without judging it. It will pass if you give it its moment on the stage.
I lost my sister when I was two and my father at nine so I know a little bit about what you're feeling - although losing your mother has to be very hard especially when you're a new mother yourself. You feel ripped off, right? Singled out? Feels like someone should "fix this", right?
I think you must be a special person to be given this burden so young. Grief breaks us open and cracks open our hearts. It makes us face the "worst that there is" early in life. Speaking as one who is much older than you, I can tell you how it has worked for me - this grief. First of all, I'm sure I don't have to tell you, grief doesn't go away. It's like a living thing, it changes and grows as you change and grow. It will be easier to handle because you will get stronger.
I found at an early age, I had much more compassion for other people and their sorrows. I had to take a spiritual view of life because nothing else made sense. Even when young, I could find perspective in things when other people got bent out of shape. Guess what? I now can see a purpose for the "purposeless" of my losses (including my mother who was broken by grief for my whole life) - I have helped others. I have been given a gift of feeling for others and that broken heart has been used as a channel for love. God works through me and (he/she/it) will work with you too. I say this with complete humility and gratitude. There was a point to my suffering after all and there will be to yours too.
In the meantime, you must allow yourself to feel what you feel. Grief rules the day - always. We have no control over it - it comes as a wave and will knock you down. Let it - you won't be down long. In the meantime, you will live life as a young woman and mother - jobs and bills and worries and diapers all the things of this world will keep you busy - this is how it should be. Let it be. Enjoy it. Laugh. Cry. Have a meltdown. It's all okay. All part of this beautiful tapestry we call life. Somehow all the crazy threads come together and a beautiful picture becomes clear.
Lastly, just let me say as a mother of a young woman - your mother is NEVER far away. She will watch out for her baby and her grandbaby - of course she does. Talk to her. She hears you. Love never dies. God Bless you, Baby Doll!
I love that word: "bittersweet" that exactly how i feels. I felt my mother around me for a long time after she died. One morning I got the strong feeling that it was "time for her to leave." I remeber saying "It's okay mom - I'm okay now." That was September 10th, 2001. My mother worked across the street from the World Trade Towers for years. I always thought she had to help souls get across.
I was the only one at home with my dad when he died (I was nine). He was in bed and I just thought he was sleeping. At one point, I went into the bedroom to wake him. As soon as my hand touched him, he spoke to me (from up near the ceiling). He said: "Everything will be alright." At the worst moment in my life, I was given a most precious gift - the sure and certain knowledge that there's no such thing as death. Just seperation for a short time...