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Cloie
@cloie
last year
17 posts
Hello my loves.It has indeed been a while since I have posted anything.I miss you all of course, but life calls.Anywho, lately I have been going through this surge in emotions and the problem I have always had was trying to recognise when something is coming from me or someone else. Usually I make the connection that its not me when I understand that the feelings are not logical for me at the time. But when its something that is possible that I could feel this particular emotion then I get confused and it stays with me for so long.Let me clarify that I am really a devout Christian. Positions in the church go back 3 generations in my family so I do not stray far from my beliefs. But after the death of my best friend and mother in a 5 month span, I was angry with God.I felt betrayed. I felt alone. This happened in 2013. In 2015 I got married and had a baby girl, and once again I felt angry with God because these are the moments a girl wants to spend with her mother.Fast forward to about 2 weeks ago and I have been so overcome with doubt about God and faith and anger.. it came out of nowhere...My question is.. for Christian empaths.. would you consider this a spiritual attack or do you think this is someone else that I feel?Thank you allCloie
updated by @cloie: 05/20/17 09:04:00PM
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
I think you need to grieve. Let yourself grieve. We are so use to everyone else's pain we don't recognize our own. Your mother must of been very special to you. But I don't think that would matter. My mother was a narcissist and she passed away 4 years ago. I'm still mad about it but my reason for being mad is because I feared her for so long and wasn't able to tell her she is hurting me everyday, now I can be mad at her and she can't do anything about it. She cant put me down or scream at me for being mad so I feel safe being mad now. That may not make since.You know in your heart God knows your feelings and there is a reason why he took her. It wasn't to hurt you. It could be, like in my case,to free you. He doesn't make mistakes. And in my Christen learnings I have to say, he gave us his only son and watched as we hung him on a cross and he turned his head away from all the pain his sons human body went though to the point of Jesus asking "why have you forsaken me? I couldn't of done that there for I humble myself at his feet. I would of never give one of my sons life for a sinners sin. But he did. But that doesn't help your pain I know but you got to believe he needed her more than you did and there is a purpose behind it.But your mother isn't as far as you think she is. Did you not see her in your baby girls smile. Yes you did. She there..
Cloie
@cloie
last year
17 posts
Thank you so much... I thought I did let myself grieve but sometimes I think I suppressed it at a time when it would have come naturally. Now I don't know how to go about it because the proverbial moment has passed.And to be honest, she looks just like my mother. :)
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Yes, I know she does.Sometimes you have to just drop to your knees and scream "why did you take her!" I need her so bad! I need her still! And cry to you can't breath. It's not insanity it's moving forward. Until you take care of it, it's going to follow you.
Cloie
@cloie
last year
17 posts
Thank you so much.... tonight will be interesting.
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
My blessing to you is peace
Visitor
@visitor
last year
303 posts

I'm a Christian, although I was raised agnostic, and I have never stopped believing in God. But lately I've been very angry with him and questioning him, like "What are you thinking? How could you let this happen?"

It sounds like life kicked you hard and no wonder you're angry and hurt. That doesn't mean God doesn't exist, but if you're angry at him, I can certainly understand why. I think it's very normal to question God and faith and religion. I think it's part of the healing process.

Cloie
@cloie
last year
17 posts
Yea.. I think that coming from such a hardcore Christian background I tend to neglect that I'm just human and its ok to have questions. I sometimes feel like I'm being a "bad Christian" for being upset or hurt or blaming God for the things we cannot understand. If a person had hurt me, the questioning would be normal.
moon
@moon
last year
73 posts

I was certainly raised Christian and although I don't practice any organized religion anymore, I still very much love Jesus and the love that is his message.

One thing I do believe is that God made you and you are perfect just as you are! Emotions including anger are part of being human - part of how we are made. Bring your anger to God. God has big shoulders. You can trust him/her/it (I'm sorry, I just can't do the old man/white beard thing lol) with any and all of your emotions. They are part of the deal.

I don't think God would expect us to be saints. I think we come here to experience this life - the good/the bad - the journey. Accept and love yourself - that honors God. Honor your feelings - that honors God. You can't live in this world without getting angry (even at God). It's a tough place - unfair and incomprehensible at times.

Emotions come and go - they're like the weather. Don't fight them - just feel them. Where do you feel the anger in your body? Just feel it - without judging it. It will pass if you give it its moment on the stage.

I lost my sister when I was two and my father at nine so I know a little bit about what you're feeling - although losing your mother has to be very hard especially when you're a new mother yourself. You feel ripped off, right? Singled out? Feels like someone should "fix this", right?

I think you must be a special person to be given this burden so young. Grief breaks us open and cracks open our hearts. It makes us face the "worst that there is" early in life. Speaking as one who is much older than you, I can tell you how it has worked for me - this grief. First of all, I'm sure I don't have to tell you, grief doesn't go away. It's like a living thing, it changes and grows as you change and grow. It will be easier to handle because you will get stronger.

I found at an early age, I had much more compassion for other people and their sorrows. I had to take a spiritual view of life because nothing else made sense. Even when young, I could find perspective in things when other people got bent out of shape. Guess what? I now can see a purpose for the "purposeless" of my losses (including my mother who was broken by grief for my whole life) - I have helped others. I have been given a gift of feeling for others and that broken heart has been used as a channel for love. God works through me and (he/she/it) will work with you too. I say this with complete humility and gratitude. There was a point to my suffering after all and there will be to yours too.

In the meantime, you must allow yourself to feel what you feel. Grief rules the day - always. We have no control over it - it comes as a wave and will knock you down. Let it - you won't be down long. In the meantime, you will live life as a young woman and mother - jobs and bills and worries and diapers all the things of this world will keep you busy - this is how it should be. Let it be. Enjoy it. Laugh. Cry. Have a meltdown. It's all okay. All part of this beautiful tapestry we call life. Somehow all the crazy threads come together and a beautiful picture becomes clear.

Lastly, just let me say as a mother of a young woman - your mother is NEVER far away. She will watch out for her baby and her grandbaby - of course she does. Talk to her. She hears you. Love never dies. God Bless you, Baby Doll!

Cloie
@cloie
last year
17 posts
Thank you so much for that.. I see her in my dreams all the time. I try to talk to her but she never speaks. The entire time I was pregnant she came to see me n prayed for me n I could feel the burning in the pit of my stomach...in a good way. Seeing her is always a bitter sweet occasion, however.
moon
@moon
last year
73 posts

I love that word: "bittersweet" that exactly how i feels. I felt my mother around me for a long time after she died. One morning I got the strong feeling that it was "time for her to leave." I remeber saying "It's okay mom - I'm okay now." That was September 10th, 2001. My mother worked across the street from the World Trade Towers for years. I always thought she had to help souls get across.

I was the only one at home with my dad when he died (I was nine). He was in bed and I just thought he was sleeping. At one point, I went into the bedroom to wake him. As soon as my hand touched him, he spoke to me (from up near the ceiling). He said: "Everything will be alright." At the worst moment in my life, I was given a most precious gift - the sure and certain knowledge that there's no such thing as death. Just seperation for a short time...

moon
@moon
last year
73 posts

I think it's pretty common that they don't seem to talk in dreams for some reason. I'm sure she wants you to know she's fine and is with you.

Cloie
@cloie
last year
17 posts
Wow... that's amazing.
Cloie
@cloie
last year
17 posts
That's amazing!!

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