Can't walk away

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Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
We all know being an Empath can be difficult, rejection, breathtaking pain, loneliness, seclusion, and a lot of tears. Most learn to control it with grounding and protection but their is always those times it's hard to walk away. Narcissist parents. My mom was one and being the youngest, and her least favorite , growing up in our house was very hard. I was barely seen or heard. After diagnosed with terminal cancer, and as faith would have it, I was the one that had to take care of her and she died a narcissist. It was quick but right before death she looked up at me and ask where my siblings were and after "I don't know" she said "your the last one I expected this from" (smh). It wasn't hard to care for her cause I can't store hate in my heart. I have no room for it.And now, I'm facing a very rocky spot on my journey once again. My father is not a good man. He's 80 and has pending child enticement charges, His mental abuse so strong my siblings , once again, has walked away and washed their hands of a difficult situation. I had him put into a treatment facility last Thursday for evaluation after he threatening my sons life. And after all he has done over the years I can't walk away like my siblings. I feel so bad. Even though he has never stop to feel my pain my entire life, I feel his and my heart is breaking for him. Everyone tells me this is where he needs to be but I have a problem with taking a persons freedom. I know he is dangerous but I can't cut my ties yet. I feel my work isn't finished. I don't know how to handle it if they say he has to be institutionalized. I feel like I have failed him in some kind of way. My siblings wants him to die so they can get their inheritance. Of course I want to cure him and start over. I want to cure everything and everyone and it gets so overwhelming After growing up as the "unseen one" you would think I could just walk away but I can't. This is due to being a Empath. Knowing the sun is going to rise and it could be a good day. Knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Being able to show love to apathy. It's not always easy to be me.
updated by @rene: 03/13/17 06:14:59AM
Lavender&rose
@lavenderrose
last year
82 posts

He's up on child enticement charges? As in:

"Child enticement is a crime that involves an adult persuading, or attempting to
persuade, a child to accompany him or her for the purposes of sexual activity."

I should hope he is institutionalised. By all means, go visit him - but have a heart for the lives of the children he may harm, outside of the family members already harmed. Screw his 'freedom'.

Gem
@gem
last year
220 posts
I just feel overwhelming sadness reading your post and wanted to send a hug to you.I believe Happysoul is right in that recovering from being the scapegoat child of narcissistic parents is clouding your feelings. You certainly don't owe him anything he made his choices and your priority is to protect you and your child (along with any other innocent children). You'll need help with the pain all that causes someone expert in helping unravel the trauma caused by narcissistic parents.I'm so sorry for all you've been through xx
Goodenergyhealing
@goodenergyhealing
last year
373 posts

I agree with Lavender&rose, Happysoul and Gem - you are not responsible for your father's healing, especially not to the extend of self-harm! I know this is easier to understand in ones mind, than in ones heart. Have you considered yet that Spirit goes beyond space and time? It does feel like you have to unburden yourself of unnecessary guilt (with which you hurt yourself - and if we want to heal anyone, we should always start with ourselves first ;)) - but as long as you feel compelled to help your father, why not just do 'distant-healing' for him? Visit him etc, but do not put your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health (and potentially those of your child etc.) at risk. If you do not know how to distant heal, it is easy, you basically meditate for him, or ask to be connected to ultimate good divine energies, and channel them for his benefit.

Prayer also works! And do not be modest with the amount of help you ask for, just tell Spirit, that you do not want to suffer anymore, and ask for unrestricted amounts of help (leave it up to Spirit how much, where, when, how strong etc. they help!)

And I feel you, sometimes what we have to deal with, regardless of grounding, meditation, prayer etc - is damn hard, but in my experience so far, if we allow Spirit to help full out, it always gets better again. Make sure you get some exercise, decent food and enough VIT d (great for energy, mood, and immunity) too.

Love and Light!!!

Visitor
@visitor
last year
303 posts

You are a good person - very good-hearted. But you need to walk away from your father.

It took having a life-threatening illness for me to realize I had to cut certain people out of my life, some of them family, some of them so-called friends. It was easy to do once I realized I'd almost died. When you're lying in a hospital bed with nobody to talk to, you get mad. You start reassessing your life.

You can't do this alone, however. Find a spiritual guide who can help you out of this. I'm just a newbie myself, but that's what I do when I can't figure something out by myself.

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Thank you everyone and when I step out of my body I can see what you see and feel what you feel but when I step back in it all come rushing back. I have also thought " if I was giving loving advice , what would it be " and it be turn and run like heck and don't look back I have tried to cut this cord many many times and tied it abound rocks and dropped it but it keeps reattaching it self , and yes I know it can only do this if I allow it and there is some reason I'm allowing it. Maybe the need to be needed but my plate is full of needful people and creatures. I'm sounding crazy now. Lol.His case worker just called to let me know to pick him up on Wednesday that he is fine. I told him this is insanity. He said his hands are tied. The doctors said he was not a threth to him or others. I tried to explain he has had 80 years of experience of manipulation and he's very good at it. Maybe put him on some drug to control it. He said no. As bad as I hated for things to be taken out of my hands I was hoping they would but, no, he's going home. Out of sight out of mind mentality.
Goodenergyhealing
@goodenergyhealing
last year
373 posts

I disagree with the - 'and yes I know it can only do this if I allow it and there is some reason I'm allowing it.'. In my experience energies have consciousness to a certain degree. Psychotic, narcissistic etc energies can be very alive and manipulative (true little demons). And without trying to sounding all paranoid, they seem to like to hit on good guys, empaths etc. I.e. if some cord keeps on reattaching, it can be from their side, as they don't give a damn if you want it to, or not. that is the nature of such energies/ humans etc. - they do not just stop because you tell them to please stop. And believing that e.g. re-attachment is 'your fault' is just negative energy propaganda, to keep Lightworkers weak, and in guilt etc.

Just make sure you ask/ have asked for the divine big guns! I have armies of angels helping me fight my battles. Not just angels, but archangels too. Up the whole angel hierarchy, plus gods and goddesses...

It might still take some time to get that problem out of your life though (negative energy structures can be quite complex, and can take time to dismantle), so keep your wits about you in the mean time, don't enter into any unnecessary risks etc.

All the best!

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
May I ask a question so I can get a better understanding? This "thing" , call it what you will, is it attached to me or him? I feel like , when I show him pity, (no better choice of words) I feel like I'm feeding the beast. But when I turn my back , it shows me my poor 80 year old father but that's all an illusion because things aren't what they seem but he receives my sympathy anyway. The manipulations fogs my mind. Can a human being be bad without a darker force encouraging them? I have been told it feels like a family curse and in which I have no knowledge on how to break it. I sorry I'm letting my thoughts run so deep but if walking away, like the others have, breaks the curse, then what about the body of my father, as a human, what will happen? I'm calling it a curse but it could be a dark force but what ever it is , is "it" and my father "One" vessel (once again poor choice of words) or is the dark force separate from my father ? I will ask again for the divine to protect me and guide me on this journey, but my feet are getting so sore from this rocky path I'm following. My journey is loosing it's way. Thank you for your wisdom. .
Goodenergyhealing
@goodenergyhealing
last year
373 posts

that is a question of how one understands life, and the spectacle 'down' here.

I believe that suffering is pre-chosen (before we incarnate). In order for some to suffer, some have to choose the role of perpetrators. It is the only way suffering makes sense to me. Since every being is part of creation, and the Divine is in essence 'ultimate good", unconditional love etc, how can one part of the Divine hurt another consciously? I believe it is more like an S&M relationship, where we have forgotten though that we chose to be the Sadist or Masochist. The safe word is to pray to have ones sufferings cancelled. If that does not dissolve e.g. your fathers suffering, than he has chosen that his kids walk away, he himself has to pray for his absolution off suffering.....

The way that suffering can exist is by us forgetting what we are, for that the Divine had to create strong confusing and warpped energies (which are temporary artificial constructs, even if they can feel very real). Your father is not much less than a puppet of those dark energies. From my own experiences of channeling healing for psychotic or narcissistic humans, it feels to me as if most of their negativity is in the outside, supporting whatever is stuck, or open on their inside, enabling the manipulations (as much nasty as such humans can have, I don;t think it would fit in just one human body either....) I just had a narcissistic boyfriend. I channled healing energies for him and us, almost non-stop, throughout our 3.5 months together, he did not get healed though, and 3.5 months of receiving healing energies is a lot, cannot imagine that his bodies would not have been sufficiently cleansed....

I do believe that ones we leave our bodies, we step out of the illusion, so are 'saved' at least then (unless one choose maybe to stick around down here, but even that will be temporary)

Goodenergyhealing
@goodenergyhealing
last year
373 posts

well, I'd never say never! :) One does not want to block anyone's healing with restricting believes, but yes, some might not during their physical life time, or it might take them quite a few more years, during which it would be rather masochistic to stick around...

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
I agree with you. Words scare just like actions and I told him when this happened if this was my little girl he would probably be dead. Of course he denies it but this was a little girl he did not know, playing in her yard. His lawyer has had his case put off for three years now and said it would never go to trial. Shame on that lawyer. This little girl needs closure to that horrible day.
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Gem, for some reason I cannot see Happysould comment.
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
I, too, rely on my spirits guides but for some reason, when it comes to my dad I never receive an answer or maybe I have received it but not applying it. I know what my head tells me what to do but my heart though...
moon
@moon
last year
73 posts

ACA (formerly ACOA - Adult Children of Alcoholics) a twelve step group for people coming from dysfunctional families (any kind of dysfunction - doesn't have to be alcohol/drugs) helped me more than anything else in my life.

You learn through this program how we are affected by growing up in chaos and dysfunction - basically we have to forego our own development in favor of survival. We develop ways of coping with the dysfunction which become our "default" coping mechanisms for life. Unfortunately, these "specialized" tools don't usually work in the real world but since they're all we've got, we keep banging our heads against the wall.

We learn how dysfunctional families are "enmeshed" and family members are not free to be individuals but rather must fulfill narrow roles within the family. Do you identify as the hero, the caretaker, the rebel, the scapegoat, the mascot or the lost child (or some combination thereof)?

We learn that dysfunctional families have three rules: Don't talk (never talk about the family's problems outside the home), Don't trust (never trust anyone outside the family), and Don't feel (I'll tell you what to feel).

Most often, we don't feel the effects of dysfunction until we're grown up and many years away from childhood -that's when the proverbial chickens come home to roost and we wonder why life is a painful struggle for us.

We learn to take responsibility for ourselves and our happiness while allowing family members to take back thier own issues. We learn that we have a right to our own lives and our own happiness. We learn to "detach with love" from family members who are a threat to that happiness. We learn to forgive ourselves and our family members who themselves are the product of dysfunction.

We learn that we are entitled to create boundaries in our lives and we get to chose what they are. Some boundaries are low and flexible, for instance: "I can only be around her one or twice a week unless something pressing comes up," or I can handle talking to him on the phone once a month. Some boundaries are high and permanent for some people especially in cases of severe abuse,as in: I'm done with the person and I'm freeing myself from the situation for good - no contact at all. The point is that WE get to decide.

Be careful of feelings that tell you "can and should" fix a relationship or "fix" someone. Most of us have spent our lives trying to do this, ending up by only hurting ourselves - you can't fix someone who doesn't think she's broken. Often misplaced guilt and and a sense of hyper-responsibility are the legacies of family dysfunction. Guilt and shame are often our automatic reactions to taking care of ourselves and not "them". I have to remind myself over and over that just because I feel guilty, doesn't mean I AM guilty.

I have counseled many people over the years who have suffered from the effects of growing up in dysfunction and pain - it is at the root of many human issues and it's very hard to work on by oneself because the remedies feel counter-intuitive at first. I know many people who are in the process of gratefully healing from this hell, myself included. I know two things for sure: you're not alone and there are changes you can make that will begin to effect this healing in you. Blessings

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
The three rules was enforced at my house growing up. You know from the outside looking in , we was a perfect family but from the inside looking out it was like looking though prison bars. Is the ACA a national group or an online group?
moon
@moon
last year
73 posts

That's usually how it works - look good on the outside at all costs. ACA is a worldwide 12 step group. I was lucky enough to have a good group in my area. There are groups everywhere including online and phone meetings. There are lots of great books also. If you look up adult child/children, codependency or dysfunctional families you'll find lots of great books.

Most families are dysfunctional b/c most people are dysfunctional in this crazy world - it's a matter of degree. You can pm me if you want.

Ecila
@ecila
last year
898 posts

They are sending him home with you after he threatened your son's life?

A part of a neglected child will always want their parents to be like real parents. We keep trying to get the approval that we never had. We have been trained to be the one who takes all the crap...The sad thing is that we will never get it from the parents. We can only learn to approve of ourselves.

Your responsibility is more to your children than your mean, perverted father, no matter what feelings you have for him, as kind-hearted as they are. Sorry for being blunt but the thought of children being around such a monster (even though I'm sure he isn't all bad) brings bad memories.

The mean ones seem to live a long time, too. He could still be kicking when he's 90. I hope you can find a place for him to go so that you can begin to claim your life and before he does any more damage.

Lotusfly
@lotusfly
last year
410 posts
I feel so much from your words here. I have tears on my cheeks. Maybe because I can feel your pain or what the pain truly feels like (it seems like you block your own feelings...try not to feel? Or are just your words detached?). But I can certainly relate to your story, and it touched me and I learned from it, so thank you posting this :)What I see from my outside yet similar perspective is a person who experienced trauma, which at its roots is essentially a lack of love (to different degrees of course). I somehow feel that everyone has experienced some form (and degree, quantity, and intensity) of this mistreatment by another/others, and how we choose to deal with it is what makes us who we are! For example, some of us choose to release the pain and not cause pain to others (empath, healer, giver, helper, etc.), take our pain and turmoil out on others (narcissist, psychopath, abuser, murderer, etc.), take the pain out on ourselves (mental and physical illnesses, self-harm, etc.), or somewhere in between (passive-aggressive, change temperament based on others, etc.).I don't mean to downplay your pain and situation. But writing that out helped me to understand better what's going on underneath all the feelings :)My first thought for you was that you want to help/heal your father because by doing so you heal yourself. I find that when I help others I feel so good. It warms my heart (gives me love - what I've been lacking), makes me feel complete, as if I'm loving myself indirectly because I don't know how because I lacked it during my formative years.Sorry to branch off to my own stuff. I'm getting to my point ;)My point for you... Helping and healing others only makes us feel loved if the person (or living thing) wants to be helped/healed (responds favorably to it). Otherwise our help and healing only causes pain (for us and them). (This is because people don't want to change or receive help when they're not ready, and us trying to help - our kindness - can be painful for them and we, in turn, will feel pain, not love, from our helping :( ).If people aren't receptive of our giving, we're not helping, because it won't get through to them. People change only when they're ready. Sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing or walk away <3Love and light~Lotusfly
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Thank you all. I can feel the love in each and every one of your replies. And you all are correct. No doubt. Any decision I make will not be the correct one for myself or my family. It's almost a no win situation. My abalities lay though the eyes. And as I search all my family members eyes there is so much pain in their hearts. Most of the pain if from him but mine is for him. To tell you the truth I don't see much in his at all. Just more of the same. He is out now and has refused treatment and meds from this place. So as of now he's free to go and do anything he wants. They said if he acts up to call 911 I told them next time may be too late.
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
I have come to the decision that healing him or helping him heal hisself is out of the question and beyond my abalities. "If your insane, do you know your insane?" No I don't think so. It's like walking though the woods and seeing an old coyote with his leg count in a trap. He's old and mean and has killed so many pets that everyone wants him dead. Do I keep on walking by the coyote seeing the blood around his broken foot or do I take my chances of getting bit while trying to free him. I'm currently still standing there trying to make that decision. That you so much for your reply
moon
@moon
last year
73 posts

Keep us posted, Renee. We care.

Goodenergyhealing
@goodenergyhealing
last year
373 posts

I agree that it is easier and more rewarding, if we channel healing, or assist in other healing ways, if someone 'wants' the healing. I have come to understand too though, that one is always allowed to keep sending healing, if it is out of 'self-defense' (and if necessary from a distance). Even if someone who causes me harm tells me explicitly they do not want me to channel healing for them - I will continue doing so until they have stopped causing me harm (directly or indirectly), and or disappear out of my life! If Spirit disagrees in any way, they are obviously always permitted to 're-direct' any healing energies I channel. I doubt they will though - as non-suffering always takes priority, once one has made clear that one does not want to suffer anymore....

(not saying you do not think the same way, just wanted to avoid confusion on this point. Free will, in my opinion, only extends as far as we apply it without hurting beings, which do not want to be hurt:))

Love and Light

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
As I read over the comments again tonight I wonder do you people know how wonderful you really are? I don't think I have enough words or time to tell you but you truly are. Everyone of youHe has refused treatment and medication and each time he refuses I cut another cord. When he called last night to let me know he would be sleeping in his car instead of his house I simply said "ok daddy" instead of begging him to go in the house and go to bed. Needless to say , it's in the 20's here and by 10 pm he was as snug as a bug in his bed. But that's just a good ending to one day. After all we have been though this past week, they only diagnosed him having major depressive disorder! He is threatening to kill people and this is all they can come up with? They said they can only base it on what the see while he is there. He is a experienced narcissist, has charges on him for enticement of a child under the age of 12
Visitor
@visitor
last year
303 posts

By spiritual guide, I mean a human being who has studied the healing arts and can help you in a hands-on way. There are a lot of them around. Even where I live, a small rural community, I've found a few invaluable people. And you can contact Elise on this website. She's been very helpful to me.

I also worked with a shaman who removed two "entities" from me. She had to chase one of them away twice. One was trying to destroy me, and it turned out to be a male entity who greatly resembled my ex-boyfriend and my mother at the same time! It takes a lot of work to do this, and you can't do it alone. And unfortunately, there's usually some sort of cost involved. But it's worth it. And you are SO not alone in this experience.

Visitor
@visitor
last year
303 posts

Yes, please do keep us posted. I'm very worried about your situation. I hope you can get rid of your father and focus on your child's and your own needs.

moon
@moon
last year
73 posts

Oh, Renee - I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. I know how it tears your heart in two. Even when you know the right and logical thing to do - that little voice keeps telling you that you're somehow "bad" or that you "should" be doing more... I am soooo familiar with that voice.

I always remind myself that just because I love someone, it doesn't mean they're good for me. Unfortunately for me this means a great many members of my family who are addicted to substances, drama, bad behavior - you name it. I remind myself that they are being "who they are" and although I fervently wish things were different, it's not in my power to change them and it's not my job - nor is it my right. Who am I to say what their journey in life "should" be. My responsibility is to myself and at some point (when I became physically sick) I had to stop the bleeding and get my nose out of their "stuff" and start taking responsibility for my own "stuff". I had to summon up enough love for myself to remove myself from a painfully pointless situation - the same way you would remove a child or a dog even from an unhealthy situation. Shouldn't we love ourselves at least that much?

I would watch my siblings repeatedly engaged in drama, chaos and violence and walk away without being affected in any way - they'd go back for more - they thrive on it! I'm different. I feel things - deeply - painfully - I'm an empath. I finally had to honor that and take care of myself - that's my job. Easy? No way. Time has helped and "talking myself off the ledge" (metaphorically) sometimes daily has helped. The support of people who "get it" has helped. Educating myself has helped.

I learned that "one day at a time" doesn't mean that I "white knuckle" it 'til tomorrow - it means that I remind myself every day (maybe every hour when the guilt gets bad) why I'm doing what I'm doing and I don't allow myself to slip back into unconsciousness again.

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
I agree with you totally and I have had a couple of gifted individuals on here that watches over me I guess you would say. I have never, ever been around this much positive energy in my Intire life. I am so greatful to have found this site. We are all Empaths and know the feelings but this is the only place I can actually say "hey, I've got a problem and need some insite" because Im usually the problem solver.Unfortunately, my father has fell back into his same routine. I have put some destance between us but have not cut him out of my life. He makes up reasons for me to go to his house everyday. Maybe to set his tv remote and stuff like that. I don't see or fell a change coming so it's just more of the sameThank you so much
Ecila
@ecila
last year
898 posts

I'm glad to hear he isn't living with you. I thought he was. At least you have your space and distance so that you have more control over encounters. He's probably lonely but too hateful and proud to admit it.

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
It sounds like our lives are similar. I have family members with the same life styles. At this point , my dad is in the limelight I guess you would say. Have you ever wonder why was you put into this life. I have heard many answers to this but I guess no one knows for sure why we live such a chaotic life being such peaceful beings. I have heard our spirit choose this along ago It's like everyone has a destination except me. I'm the one that gets them prepared for their journey each day and the one to blame when they hit a bump in the road. I'm from one crisis to the next. "Call Rene' she will know what to do". Or call Rene" she won't say no". I have never had anyone to lean on and if I did I could move an inch over to lean because the people that's leaning on me would fall. I know that sound goofy. I'm sure everyone's has problem days but mine is everyday. And none of them are "my" problems.
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
He lives very close to me. I guess you would say next door. If he is lonely it's because everyone hates him. He can't socialize with criticism to everyone he meets. I have tried to get him involved with senior activities but he won't. He wants me to set and hold his hand and complain if I'm not holding it correctly.I would like to share one thing, my out of site out of mind sister calls today and had the audacity to ask me to ask my dad to buy her a new van. Oh my, what a family
Ecila
@ecila
last year
898 posts

A frightening description of an aging narcissist:

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Thank you
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Now that hits home. Thank you for that video.
moon
@moon
last year
73 posts

I completely agree Angel. We are on a journey and these people are our teachers - painful as the lessons are. Anita Morjani is a woman who had an incredible near death experience. As a result she was healed from Stage 4 Lymphoma. She had similar issues in her life. She was asked "What did you do with the life you were given?" "How did you honor that life?" She wasn't given one ounce of credit for having deferred to other people's demands. She was held accountable for not loving and honoring herself. She wrote a book: Dying to Be Me. She learned that the cancer was a result of not following her own heart and being who she was meant to be. Very powerful stuff.

Here are some quotes I came across today (don't know who to attribute them to):

"People learn how to treat you based on what you accept from them."

"I'm mature enough to forgive you, but I'm not dumb enough to trust you again."

"Close some doors. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they no longer lead somewhere."

"Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions."

"Stop asking me to trust you when I'm still coughing up water from the last time you let me drown."

Love quotes!

Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Also thank you for your healing
Rene''
@rene
last year
1,194 posts
Love those quotes. You know I have plenty of good reasons to walk off and leave him at this point of his life. He has walked off and left me when I ask for some help when I was young, divorced with two small boys and a low paying job , him and my mom had the mentality like "you will make it by yourself if you like it or not" and I did make it but it was so hard. I was so tired. So tired. But I feel like me walking away from him puts me in the same category and I am not like him. I could walk away but would feel like I had let him down , I'm not a good person and not a good daughter and the worse thing is he would feel the lonlieness I felt when they walked away from me, my heart was broken. I was scared and cried my self asleep every night worring how I was going to provide my boys with what they deserve. I just don't have it in my to cast that kind of pain. It's against me and nature. Idk...
moon
@moon
last year
73 posts

I understand what you're saying. It's all about boundaries. Do what you feel is right for you - some compromise that will allow you to have a clear conscious and is consistent with what you feel is right. Not what he thinks you should do for him. If he is going to make ridiculous decisions to try to force you into a corner, that's emotional blackmail and not acceptable. You should put yourself into a position to say "I'm willing to do x and y but I will not do z." After that, if he chooses to live on the street then that's the option he chooses. Somehow, with people like this, it never seems to come to that - they land on their feet because ultimately, they know how to look out for #1.

The point is, you are a person too with rights and needs and preferences His don't trump yours. He's an adult and he's shown you what he's capable of. If you offer any assistance, it's on your terms in a way that keeps you comfortable and safe.

Here's one more quote (Maya Angelou) "When someone shows you who they are - believe them."

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