Difficulties moving on from marriage problems stunting my spiritual growth

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Gem
@gem
2 years ago
220 posts
Hi all, ive changed my profile picture to avoid anyone I know in real life identifying me to write this difficult post.Tying to find a way to heal from what was extremely traumatic for me is actually what led me into opening up my spirituality (which had always been there but I'd never really spent time developing or trying to progress till what happened).I've had a difficult past and thought I'd found someone who loved me back the same way I love him...incapable of ever hurting me/breaking trust or putting our relationship in jeopardy. A few weeks after our first wedding anniversary I discovered he'd been compulsively viewing acting out to things on x rated sites. For the whole duration of our 5yr relationship and it was clearly an addiction. Not just that but he'd joined sites (later stating, which knowing him I believe.. Was for the pictures not to actually meet up) I also unfortunately stumbled across 3yrs worth of history including dates and times of searches so I know what he was looking at the night before our wedding as an eg. My whole life with him/memories that had been precious were now sullied and I had a breakdown.Now, his parents have many narc traits and his confidence is so so low and I know this is probably the cause of his need to 'escape' 'numb' whenever life throws difficult situations his way.We're both in separate counselling and we love eachother and are working on rebuilding trust/boundaries ect but I feel my spiritual growth is becoming stunted because I'm unable to properly let go of the pain..I have flashbacks to what I discovered and get waves of deep insecurity and fear.I'm having reiki, meditate, aromatherapy, use crystals and ask for higher healing and guidance but I can't shake it off. I can't look at pictures of us before the date of discovery..including wedding/birth of our son...anything.I'm only just wearing my wedding ring (it happened in July) but I wear it on the wrong hand and struggle to look at it.Is there any way...anything I'm not already doing that can help me get rid of these episodes of negativity? I'm feeling like it's why I'm suddenly feeling stunted on my path of growth!Any advice or invites would be hugely appreciated as I want my marriage to work and I want to continue to grow spiritually.BlessingsGem x
updated by @gem: 03/10/17 12:27:58AM
karma
@karma
2 years ago
159 posts

Hey Gem

I have discovered the last few months, despite all being one and the same life force within the universe (all being connected so to speak) we are all to experience an individual route to spiritual understanding, there are so many versions and routes to spiritual enlightenment - Its your path and only what feels right for you is yours, one thing I do know, the more you learn, the more there is to learn

I have been overwhelmed with the amount of healing routes and advice, I think too much input is a big set back.... the ancient wisdoms (regardless of origin) will always say healing and growth comes from within - today so many routes are merged together as `new age` - in truth (at least in my truth) there is only one route and that is the one that works for you individually

.... I believe stones work (in the situation that the stone need be used) I believe meditation works - in the situation that meditation need be used, as does yoga, reiki, aromatherapy ect - All together? I am not so sure, too much of anything runs the risk of it all just being `too much`.

I think we all try and merge so many routes of healing in a desperation to quick fix (I am terrible for it) but, we are trying too much all the time and actually hindering ourselves, the slower the approach and trying out different routes rather than merging them may benefit?

The situation with your husband I feel for you truly, you obviously love him and are doing what you can do to save your marriage and life aint so black and white as many complications are within his past and present - Although hon, (and I mean this in the nicest possible way) his actions, addiction that has left you very low should not be excused by his past.... otherwise he can do whatever he wants on a continuum and there will always be an excuse to make it acceptable.

I was raised in a brutal household, mentally, emotionally and physically, it has indeed had an impact on my life but, in no way can I blame my mistakes made by me nor my selfish behaviours upon it... These words and deeds were always me!

There are so many ways of looking at it, even to a point of maybe what you are going through is part of your spiritual growth? dealing and coping, the action/reaction.. the choices you make upon it all? - That`s only if you look at it from that perspective.

Not having a life and/or spiritual growth manual is excruciating. I can only speak from my own perspective and experiences so I fully respect you may read and say `No, you have it all wrong`. :)

Everyone deserves happiness, you are going through such a tough time. I do think (again from my experience) that you may be overwhelming yourself with routes of a quick fix as you ask is there anything you are not already doing..... That is not to say I am right though.... Wish I could be of more help, am here to chat though if need be :)

Gem
@gem
2 years ago
220 posts
Hi Karma, thanks for taking the time to reply.Yes perhaps I'm trying too hard..I think maybe Im doing that because I'm scared of the negative taking too big a hold when it occurs.I mean all the spiritual progression articles I read say you have to let negative feelings go. With this particular situation though I'm finding that really hard. I do have times where I'm not in that head space but when it suddenly comes over me it really knocks me sideways for days/weeks..it's like the chink in my armour and all the negative feelings/questions/anxiety begins infecting me.He knows I'll leave if anything like that comes to light again... My finding out actually affected him so bad he did something stupid and ended up in hospital for a few weeks. We're both trying to heal separately and as a couple.I appreciate your honest advice and kindness.Maybe I do need to slow down with all the 'trying'Finding myself spiritually has been the silver lining of the whole situation. It makes me feel less alone. Gives me my own private purpose which I've so needed!Thanks again.Hope you're having a wonderful Christmas x
Lotusfly
@lotusfly
2 years ago
410 posts
Gem,If you are looking for honesty, this is it...I feel a lot of anxiety reading your post. I was marred for 10 years (together for 12) and left him 3 months ago. Not because he did anything wrong but because we were not on the same level so he was hindering my spiritual growth. I didn't know this at the time (I just thought I had finally come to admit that we were incompatible and I felt suffocated by him, like he was judging me). My soul was pushing me in a direction that was not compatible with my life with my ex.How I see your situation is that you are more advanced in your soul journey than your husband. You are likely a lightworker (ascending, synchronocities, etc. are all signs of this), and I learned recently that they need a period of being alone in order to develop their spirituality (ascend), because they are ready to serve their soul's purpose, which is to help others and/or living things.Once you've fully ascended, your energy will attract your soul partner (twin flame).Please don't feel that you must stay in a situation if it turns out not to be right for you. Also, do not feel that you are obligated to do things that harm you or go against what is good for you. In other words, please don't sacrifice your own soul for someone else, especially when you have a very important mission on this planet :) Do what's right for you and for the greater good. You need to help yourself before you can help others. It is not your responsibility to heal/fix other people's pain if it hurts you.Fyi...I'm going through something similar, and it is scary but it will be very worth it, and it is destiny. It's easier and best to go with the flow and your gut instincts (intuition). You know what you need to do. Look within for your answers. Your soul is there and she is never wrong.Love and light~Lotusfly
Karen2
@womanwhowalks
2 years ago
783 posts

Hi Gem...I'm so sorry you have to go through this...the fact is...he hurt you, you were NOT responsible for that...he was...he broke a trust and needs to take responibility for it...but...this is about you now...all the methods of ridding yourself of the negative will only work up to a point...I think this situaltion is one where your gonna have to ride the waves of emotions till what ever happens happens...and know it's ok to feel anger...resentment ...pain..hurt and yes... even hate...negative emtions are a part of human beings...no matter how hard we try to suppress them...I personally think they're stupid...lol.....but suppressing them can do more damage as I've discovered myself...this is a big hurt for you...don't bury it for the sake of saving your marriage...things have changed I'm sorry to say...this expereience isn't stunting your spiritual growth...it's helping...anything negative that happens has a purpose...what's this painful experience teaching you? I guess you'll find out...there IS a message in there somewhere...

Gem
@gem
2 years ago
220 posts
Thanks Karen, ive though about what it might be teaching me a lot. I'd sensed things were off for a good year before hand and I'd put it down to him struggling with my becoming ill health wise. I think it's teaching me to trust my instinct. Maybe the biggest lesson though is I can't just put traumatic things in a box. I created a mental 'box' age 12 after something bad happened... Unfortunately bad things kept on happening on and off through life and although I did let myself feel them I put so much of my own pain in the box and preferred instead to focus and help others people with their pain. I became a doormat for everyone else's stuff.Then I got very ill with fibromyalgia/degenerative disc disease and so on. Then this trauma in the marriage really tipped me over the edge .. It rattled my box so much that I'm not just dealing with this event in counselling but also all the stuff going back to when I was 12.Seems maybe it was all intended to come out.It's exhausting. I just don't want to lose the path I seem to have found in the process.Thanks for the solidarity :) x
Gem
@gem
2 years ago
220 posts
Hi Lotusfly, thanks for your insight. Yes there is an awful lot of anxiety when this surfaces in me. In fact it re-triggered panic attacks for about a month or so after discovery. Thankfully they aren't as troublesome now..although I've cut myself off socially an awful lot. Initially because I was hot mess in shock... But then I awakened and the isolation is more because I'm feeling the need to spend a lot of time learning.I'm finding pieces of myself I'd buried long ago and that's been borne out of going through this latest stuff...so I suppose it's needed to happen. It really really sucks though.Just kind of feels like I was thrust into awakening and the plateau has coincided with me getting all these negative waves because of what happened.Waking up to all this has been the only good thing to come out of this and I don't want to lose it. X
Gem
@gem
2 years ago
220 posts
Hi Journey, thanks so much for your indepth reply I really appreciate it.Yes people do tend to run for feeling. For me I found it easier I suppose to sort through other peoples stuff and box off my own. My husband has realised through counselling that he somehow switches off to avoid feeling anything too deeply..like a self preservation thing.I think I'm more realistic than him with all the work that needs doing. I also think it scares him..whereas I've recognised that for me this may have happened to Forse me to confront other past experiences I've neglected to deal with.. Plus it's as if it's put me on a path, a path that feels right for me to find out who I am and what I can do to help others.It is also what made me finally realise I might be an empath and that my youngest age 3 might be too.I do try to see the silver linings.Im just scared of becoming stunted because I can't let the awful feelings go yet.I'll just have to ride it out like you say..instead of trying to control it.Thank you again :) x
Gem
@gem
2 years ago
220 posts
Thank you..I've also been thinking a lot about the new year and I definitely want to start it positively and embrace things.It's good to have that validation that I'm still on the right path thank you so much I really needed to hear that right now!I will put your advice in place in the morning and give thanks at the start of each day even for the difficult things. :) x
Gem
@gem
2 years ago
220 posts
Hi Cbxjohn, I'm so sorry that happened to you! I actually have a link on my page about the connection between Empaths and Narcissists it might be worth you having a read of it.I did a lot of research about it due to my husbands parents and how they made me (and him) feel. I agree you do need to learn how to spot and protect against them before you're going to be able to move on properly.In the meantime take some of the advice people here have offered me.. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself as this has been a huge painful realisation for you. It will take time.I'm finding counselling is really helping me so maybe that could be a route for you to look into. Also meditation. I initially started it for the first time in my life after this trauma and to have a'time out' but it's what triggered my awakening and I wish I'd discovered it years ago!!BlessingsGem x
Lotusfly
@lotusfly
2 years ago
410 posts

Hi Gem,

You will continue to awaken. There is no stopping it now :)

Why do you feel that you must stay with him? What do you "owe" him, besides the fact that you signed marriage paperwork? You didn't sign your soul away...

If it's too personal and you can't (or don't want to) say, please don't. Just some thoughts to consider <3

It's also possible, that you are confusing his being with you (his "love" for you) as your love for him. I've been with people in the past when I confused the good feeling I got when someone loved me or wanted me (or even their feeling of being in love with me) as my love for them. But when I "stepped away" from the feeling, I realized I didn't even like the person! That is something us empaths need to be aware of. Our feelings can get mixed up with others' feelings.

You will leave him when you're ready. You can't wait or hope or make someone change. If you two are meant to be together, if you separate, you will end up back together when the time is right. ("If you love something, let it go...if it comes back to you, it was yours; if it doesn't, it never was.") So if you are meant to be together...if you are soul mates, twin flames...you will find one another again :) That is something that is good to know...what happens is for a reason and everything is meant to be and will turn out right in the end. There are no mistakes...only experiences/lessons (and hopefully learning). You've probably gained all that you can from this experience with your husband, and you can find comfort in the thought that your next adventure is up around the bend :)

In the meantime, time is never wasted. The situations we are in are opportunities for growth, and the most difficult situations produce the most growth! :) I've noticed lately how I get too comfortable (and even back-track) when life is "easy," so I'm actually starting to enjoy the tough moments...because that is where the growth happens...and then I'll get to the "other side" of ascension faster :)

My thoughts are with you <3 and my heart feels your pain. What "kills" me is that you are sticking around this guy who brings out panic attacks in you :( Why do you feel that you deserve to be hurt like that? You don't. If you're an empath, especially, you don't deserve to experience pain. You've been hurt enough.

I know you will do the right thing. It may just take time to figure out and do what your soul is calling you to do...and that's okay :) It took me a month to tell my ex-husband I was going to be leaving him, after my realization that he wasn't the one for me. So no worries. Do what you need to do when the moment is right. You can't leap unless you're ready :)

Kindest blessings~

Gem
@gem
2 years ago
220 posts
Hi Lotusfly :)We are sort of separated. We are working on overcoming it all though. His addiction started before he ever met me and I can understand why he never admitted the problem..even to himself. He's working on that in his own counselling. I love him I'm just still at times struggling with the incredible hurt because I saw the search history I can see it was evolving. He's now having to face up to his own issues with his parents and past. Like most addicts he told himself he wasn't 'actually' doing anything in real life.. He didn't realise he'd become distant from me due to what he was secretly doing. He did something drastic after I found out and was in hospital. That's when I realised I loved him despite of what he'd caused. I do believe if he does the inner work on himself we may come out of this stronger but I do struggle with what it's caused in me.. In part due to my own past experiences before I knew him.I do know I won't ever tolerate it happening again. I absolutely will walk away from the marriage if it happens again.I do experience his anxiety as my own though and so that's also something that needs working on because I still suffer it for up to 24hrs after its passed for him. I don't seem able to shield myself from his emotions like I'm learning to do with others..same with my lovely Dad funnily enough. I only realised I have that experience with my Dad over this Xmas period.I'm going to keep open minded about what may come and I will definitely follow my instincts etc as time goes on...that's definitely been one of the lessons in all of this. <3 x

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