I'm sorry to say that I'm feeling horrible and lost. I don't like to be negative, because, as an empath, I know others pick it up, but right now I need to speak up because I don't want to keep feeling this way...isolated and alone.
When I discovered I was an empath around the time of my spiritual awakening (3 1/2 months ago), I felt so joyous and so "at home." I spent the next month enjoying life and living carefree, like a happy child I was in awe by the beauty of nature and loved parks, playgrounds, music, and did karaoke for the first time in my life and loved it! I felt so alive, so much joy, no mental stress, no need to control anything anymore...I was going with the flow and it felt great!
By the way, I was shy and an introvert for most of my life, and it got to the point where I had a hard time talking to someone without feeling self-conscious and I avoided speaking to a group. But aftermy awakening, I no longer cared what people thought of me because I fully accepted everything and everyone the way it was (including me!).
I had a strong desire to go out and live life, because I felt like I hadn't yet. I wanted to travel and be around music and nature as much as possible. I also wanted to combine my empath gift with my ability to feel my own energy current (chi) by performing reiki to help heal others, as my massage/reiki therapist had done for me
So, following my intuition, I left my apartment in the city (and 12-year relationship) to live in a rural town in another state (with a family member).
Over the last few months, since my spiritual awakening and being open about being an empath, I've discovered that life isn't so rosy, due to the people and situations I've encountered. I've felt hurt by the actions of others, and moving to a different state wasn't as easy as I thought it would be.
It feels as if people sucked the joy out of me. They were attracted to my liveliness and I was attracted to their attraction to me, and thinking I could bring light into their life, I became passive to them. Turns out a lot of people like to control people or feed off your energy.
So after several bad attempts at connecting with people (making friends and love relationships), I'm alone (not even any local friends) and feeling very distrustful of others. I dislike going out in public and I'm super sensitive to environmental stimuli and people. I've also had spiritual experiences. Feeling like I'm so different from most, and realizing how much people affect me, I just want to hide away in a cave forever.
I was starting to feel better alone, after leaving a short but unhealthy relationship a month ago, and have been working on my own interests (spirituality, singing, reading, writing, meditation, yoga), while also trying to understand my gifts as an empath...so I've been doing a lot of research to try to figure everything out, in regards to my spiritual awakening and the new me.
But I began to get confused with all the different ideas and perspectives, eventually getting to the point where I am now, which is that I don't know what to believe or trust, including myself!
I had decided that I'm my best teacher and source of knowledge and healing (by going within, through meditation and contemplation, and energy healing), but unfortunately that led me to isolation and negative thinking. I came to the conclusion that my being human, just like everyone else, I won't have the truth or answers either.
I thought that the only way to know the truth is to become ego-less. But that made me feel even less grounded in this world, less connected to people, than when I associated myself with an identity.
So I decided that it's healthy to associate yourself with things...to have an ego/identity...as long as you are happy with it and it doesn't hurt others. And even if you're not sure what your true identity is, that is what life is about...trying on a few hats and living...experiencing things, making mistakes, and learning (and growing) from them.
So we don't need to have all the answers...and we may never have them. But that doesn't mean to stop living and hide from people out of fear of getting hurt. Because, like it's been said before, fear is a prison...and me being someone who can overanalyze things, I don't want to be alone with myself in my self-built prison
Hopefully this will help someone else struggling with not knowing what to believe, an identity crisis, or depression/anxiety.
Peace and love to all~
updated by @lotusfly: 07/25/18 02:54:21PM