Dating Websites

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Evolving
@evolving
2 years ago
46 posts

Hi, everyone!

I've been newly single for 7 months. I've been online exploring various free dating websites. So many of them seem hokey. I've probably joined and then quickly quit at least a dozen of them.

Right now, I belong to 2 of them, that seem pretty pretty middle of the road. They are POF and okcupid. I like okcupid more, because you can answer over 1000 questions that can line you up with potential dates, based on the percentages of what you have in common.

The funny thing is - even with all of the screening, it is my opinion that most guys don't even look at that. I get the impression that guys still operate mostly on looks. I've had guys contact me that are up to 30 years my junior, and that I have nothing in common with - and, they're looking for a response.

Believe me, I'm not losing sleep over it...I can see the humor in it all and laugh if off (and block these guys from bothering me anymore).

I guess the surprising (and frustrating) part, is the guys who do answer lots of questions, who do post nice pictures of themselves, who seem like decent, family-men are not the ones who reach out to me. And, if I reach odut to them, there is no interest on their part.

Is anyone else in the same boat? Do you think it really matters at all or changes the outcome of meeting someone of quality on whether or not you pay for a membership versus a free one; whether or not you write a book about yourself versus just a few lines; whether you have one photo of yourself versus 20? I would love to hear what you've experienced!

In a perfect world, I'd love to join a dating website started that is strictly for Empaths! Does anyone know if Elaine Aron has such a thing planned for her website?

Thanks in advance for sharing your stories!

Evolving


updated by @evolving: 01/14/17 01:25:52AM
Amaya
@amaya
2 years ago
301 posts

Hi Evolving,

I've done online dating off and on for many years, and I can tell you that, in my experience anyway, free v. paid makes no difference. In fact, I've had better luck with the free ones. I do both Tinder and OKC right now, and I've found that the important thing is to have just enough information to let someone get a sense for your level of intelligence, and to give them something to write to you about. I think about 5 pictures is the magic number - a good headshot, a full-body shot, a pic of doing something you like, a pic of you with friends and/or family, and one other one. My bio on Tinder is like 5 short sentences in length, and I've met some great people from there. As an empath especially, a picture really is worth a thousand words.

If you'd like to get mad, sad, and frustrated at the state of online dating today, OKC's blog runs down the statistics, and is absolutely fascinating:http://blog.okcupid.com/. In other words, yes, your looks are most of what matters when you're dating online.

Good luck!

Amaya

Whitejade
@whitejade
2 years ago
28 posts
If it make you feel better to fancy someone you go for there looks mostly I can't remember the percentage but then its how they move around then its there personality then how it sounds I think that's in order but I just know looks come first
karma
@karma
2 years ago
159 posts

I have not joined any sites but, I have friends who have, Plenty Of Fish being one of them.

They havent had much luck on them as a lot of people (both male and female) are not looking for serious relationships, I think like you say, those who are, dont really get recognized or are just not `someones type` - However wrong it sounds people do go for looks and online dating pushes a means to look at a photo before reading a little `this is me`.... you can never get to know someone until actually with them - not even months of writing to each other or phone calls can determine a person for who they really are

Remember too. photos and what people say online etc can be a far truth from who they are - I personally believe the sites you would have to pay for would be more likely to have serious relationship potentials, its all too easy for time wasters to join a free site.

An Empath dating site sounds great though, what a fantastic idea :)

Evolving
@evolving
2 years ago
46 posts

Thank you, Amaya!

I did go to the okcupid blog. What a fascinating read! I appreciate you sharing it with all of us.

Your experiences with online dating websites is very interesting to me, especially in regard to paying vs. free subscriptions. I'd explored some of those millionaire dating websites out of curiosity, and so much of it was extremely superficial. My observation was that most people were there to just hook up, and not develop any type of quality relationship.

I have 5 photos on my profile, too. When men contact me, most of their remarks are, "You're so pretty!". But then, that's it...nothing about what I wrote, what they're interested in learning about me; have not asked me any questions, or even suggested a date. It's almost like they're just passing by my photo on a page, make a quick comment, and move on. Perhaps it is just a normal part of this "Twitter generation", and this social media stuff is just lost on me?

Amaya, thanks for taking the time to respond. While I am not discouraged from continuing to make an effort to meet some really nice guys via dating websites, what I am hearing that I am not alone in wading through this sea of online profiles.

Happy fishing to you!

Evolving
@evolving
2 years ago
46 posts

Thank you, Whitejade for sharing your experience.

I am not surprised to know that looks matter....I guess I did not expect them to come FIRST.

Well, I am here to learn, and I appreciate your feedback!

Have a great day!

Evolving
@evolving
2 years ago
46 posts

Thank you, karma!

When I look at a guys profile, I take it all in. I read their self-descriptions, and what they are seeking in a relationship. I look at all of their pictures. I read every answer and their comments to the online questions. If I am impressed by what I've read, and am interested in them, I do not hesitate to contact them.

What has consistently happened, is that they end up not wanting to further any communication. So many guys only want to meet a woman who is within 25 miles from where they live. I am open to meeting a guy who lives anywhere, because no matter where they live, communication for me has to start online, and then progress to phonecalls before I would agree to meet. As an Empath, I know that I can easily pick up on their vibes and intentions, and would not meet if something felt off for me.

I did have a successful relationship after meeting someone online in 1999. We had a wonderful long distance relationship for 5 years, and did end up getting married, and it was a great relationship. Unfortunately, he died from cancer at age 49. As someone who does not go out to bars and loud social scenes, this is a practical and convenient way to try to meet guys.

I'd even did a trial with a spiritual singles dating website. I was amazed to find that there were a number of men to contacted me who were atheist and agnostic. I wondered why they were on a spiritual dating website, when there was nothing spiritual about them? They obviously had not read my profile, as I distinctly said that I was only interested in meeting men who actively engage in a spiritual practice.

I am glad that you like the idea for an Empath dating website. I'll have to find a way to get one started! :0)

Have a great day!

karma
@karma
2 years ago
159 posts

Sorry to hear of the loss of your husband.

You are wise, have the intuition, empathic link and already know what is right for you, My friends not so much :)

Its a pity, so many time wasters out there, It makes no sense why guys join up, answer lots of questions and then back off when approached.

I wish you all the luck, esp with the empath site, it will provide you with likewise potentials, whats more is, like you he wont care about distance :)

RyuukoGo
@ryuukogo
2 years ago
110 posts

I have been on several dating sites..okcupid,eharmony,pof,consciencematch,match,ourtime ...you can find what you are looking for but is what they want do we have that to offer.

I have found and dated a few Empaths...meet a few animal communicators...psychics...they are sort of easy for me to find...usually key words...how they write and what I see in their eyes.

The problem I have found is I don't come off what the women think a "normal" guy should be...out of the 35+ dates,2,000+ messages...a lot who I dated and had no chemistry with wanted to remain friends...they usually tell me a lot about themselves and think that is sort of a connection...but to us it is normal for a person to "bear their soul" her is one message.

"Wow. You have been very active on line. Sounds like you do better than most.

I have been off and on for 6 years. I am mostly here but I have ignored profiles on spiritual singles, eharmony and match and POF

I get notifications all the time to check out who has been checking me out but I have not succumbed to paying to meet people yet.

I have not succumbed to zoosk yet either. I hear that that is the hook up spot to be though, lol

I have no idea how many messages or how many people I've corresponded with...because I am always deleting conversations that grow cold and trail off. I can't abide a huge in box...for email either.

I've been back this time for maybe a month. I've been on a handful of first dates, one second date...nice man, but not really feeling a zing for him the way that I want to feel about somebody.

Over the last 6 years, I have had two relationships spring forth from online dating. Each about a year to a year and a half.

I am still friendly with them both...although the last one, that ended 3 years ago, was the hardest breakup of my life and I have not lived since then...

He was the person who was separated and not ready to date that I alluded to in my profile when I said I don't date recently separated men.

The break up was hardest because k do remain friends with ex's typically...and he was pretty emotionally immature...I say this because he thought nothing odd about sharing his sexual exploits with me after our breakup...that was hurtful and made me not want to talk to him for quite a while.

But we did get back in touch eventually and just the Khmer day we texted. He lives in Boston...I am glad not to run into him...the grief is still too near to want to be reminded, even though I'd not date him again if I had a do over."

This is what I wrote to her "Good afternoon and a hello ..my god your mind is gorgeous and intimidating both admirable qualities I value. ...if we were stranded on a desert island not only would I have your back I would walk up to.
a block to get us water."

I never message anything about their looks...career..just at times something really stands out in their writing that I like...so far none have been narcissists...

Evolving
@evolving
2 years ago
46 posts

I had one date a few months ago. Met on POF. He'd written a great profile, and had a few nice pictures.

We exchanged a few emails and one phonecall before we met. The date felt awkward to me the whole time. I don't ever remembering feeling so restless and fidgety. I was so bored, and I kept wondering what was wrong with me.

Even after I got home, and discussed the date with my sister, I found myself telling her what a gentleman he was, polite, dignified, clean and neat in appearance and that I enjoyed our walk outside and touring an art museum. All of that was true....BUT...

When he talked about himself and his life, he seemed aimless. He didn't seem to have any kind of drive or passions in his life. His voice was very monotone for hours. He didn't smile at all. We hugged hello, but there was no other touch during our conversations. I usually talk with my hands, and will touch an arm or a shoulder, which I did do with him. When we parted, he made a statement like, "Do you want to do this again, or do you want to kick me to the curb?" Was this my clue? Does he have low self-esteem? He was truly a nice guy - but, something was just off for me.

I texted him after I got home to thank him for the date. He did not text back, and I never heard from him again.

I actually found this a relief. I wish I understood better how to tune into all of the nebulous stuff that occurs on a psychic level. I have no logical explanation for why I wanted to crawl out of my skin during the date...but, my psyche knew something that I needed to trust and listen to even though I don't understand it.

Can any of you relate to something like this?

Evolving
@evolving
2 years ago
46 posts

Yes, karma!

Exactly! Time wasters!

Thank you for your boost of confidence about finding Mr. Right!

Take care!

Umar
@umar
2 years ago
72 posts

Sorry for jumping in and totally not reading the whole thread, but I figured I would pop in quickly to share this link:https://www.reddit.com/r/AskMen/comments/1trda0/men_why_arent_you_guys_into_dating_female_doctors/

Around all the huff and puff from both sides, the key thing to realize is what men look for in a woman is *totally!* different than what women look for in a man. I used to think why aren't men attracted to my education status, determination, job type, etc etc resume etc... and I realized I was thinking in terms of what I would want in a man.

Men are triggered by visual interest (we call this "looks" but includes things that look cool like seeing someone hiking a mountain instead of reading about it) whereas women are triggered by ideas/emotions/theories (think reading; "his profile says he likes hiking, so he must like the outdoors, and being active, and so he must be fit, too").

This goes perfectly into this link: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/style-beauty/a48423/how-to-make-dating-profile-photo-look-good/

^it isn't so much about being attractive as it is looking attractive in life. Hear me out: like women like to *read* a man's profile and dream/analyze/theorize about it, whereas men do the same thing with pictures. That's why this lady in the second link talks about having photos with other people around, having a photos of doing something interesting like hiking, and showing your hobby (hockey in her case) through a photo. This woman does the same thing a profile's words would do but with photos. Genius. Pure genius. :) I hope this helps!

Umar
@umar
2 years ago
72 posts

You asked about how much to write: very very little.

My dad says, "people are busy and can only remember three things at a time." He wasn't talking about dating websites, but it applies.

Write no more than three sentences for three paragraphs, and bullet it if you can. You want to capture people's attention quickly so they can pin-point discussion ideas fast. (See what I did here ;) haha all in threes!)

Evolving
@evolving
2 years ago
46 posts

Umar,

Great food for thought, and interesting reads! Thanks so much for posting these!

I do have full body shots...in a dress...which shows off my figure, without showing a lot of skin.

I am smiling in all of my pictures. In several pictures, I have included other people - taken at events.

I seem to meet the recommended photos to catch a guys attention...now, just to keep them current!

Now, onto figure out how to edit my lengthy profile! LOL!

Nice to meet you, Umar!

Evolving

Umar
@umar
2 years ago
72 posts

My pleasure! I know I'm very descriptive and wordy -maybe ask someone else to read them for you?? Best of luck, Evolving! Lovely to meet you, too :)

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