Am I being to sensitive?

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Enfp20
@enfp20
2 years ago
24 posts

The closest person to me at this point of my life (NT) seems to display symptoms of Autism Spectrum Disorder. She is in her early 30's but never diagnosed. Honestly, it has been very challenging for us to go a day without negativity, regardless, I care for her very much. I choose not to focus the discussion about her, rather my reaction to 2 of her actions today that really hurt and confuse me.

I was forced to move my belongings out of storage due to financial concerns. I have troubles asking others for help, especially lately as I have isolated myself from my friends and family for nearly 2 years. NT is the only person I feel comfortable asking to help/keep me company during the move.

  1. NT and I completed the move of the minor/light weight items. I was faced with moving heavy items (bar, poker table, glass/mirrors, coffee table, etc) I asked NT to just provide moral support as I would not want her to hurt herself to move some meaningless 'things'. After 4 hours of driving/moving, I was mentally and physically drained as I started to do the heavy work. Suddenly, NT recieves a personal phone call, and decides to attend to her business. I communicated that I would love for her to stay to keep me alert, but ultimatly the decision was hers to stay or go. I lied and said i'll be fine on my own. When she decided to leave, I literally was alone. I became extremely sad and overwhelmed with emotions as I stared into my storage stall. I know in my heart, if the roles were reversed, there is no way I would have lefther under these circumstances. I reached out to one other person, but was denied do to his obligations to attend a party... anyways.
  2. After the move, exhausted, I visited NT's place. Infact, both of us were really tired. I started working on a mini project sitting on the floor next to her bed as she was sitting on the bed, and somehow managed to get small pieces of glass in both eyes. I panicked a little, and excitedly asked NT to get me the spray water bottle that's always in her room. With blurred vision, I noticed her typical facial expression which translates as "I'm comfortable in my spot on the bed, and I really do not want to get off of it for anyone or anything". I became agitated by this, she then raises her voice and claims the spray water bottle is empty anyways (I knew this was not true because over the last 1 year 8 months, that thing has been filled up by her the minute it runs low). Meanwhile, I'm struggling to splash water into my eyes with the water bottle near me. I can feel the glass in both eyes and quickly splashing as much water into them as I can. NT jumps out of her bed about 15 seconds after I first asked for her help. She brings me the water bottle (full to the tits by the way) thenangrilyinsists I rinse my eyes in the bathroom. She must not have been aware that I was temporarily blind at this moment and would not be able to find my own penis let alone the bathroom. I had managed to wash out the glass for those who may have become concerned. This morning when we had a minor disagreement, I pointed out that I noticed her suck her teeth when I asked for the spray bottle as I cried out in fear. I told her I knew she hesitated because she did not want to get up off of her bed to walk 8 feet. To this she became defensive, "big deal, it took me a whole 2 seconds to get it for you. You should acknowledge and thank me for getting the bottle for you, not get mad at me for notimmediatelyget it.


Perhaps the community's feedback will better resonate with her. Or perhaps the community's opinion is that I am being too sensitive???


updated by @enfp20: 01/31/17 05:52:00PM
Reckless
@reckless
2 years ago
117 posts
Sounds like a selfish person that takes advantage of you. Of course they have to do something every now and then to keep you manipulated and believing they are there for you like you are for them. They'll say things that make you believe, but as you get closer it seems the opposite. They seem to change the moment they know you're leaving but i seen the pattern.
Enfp20
@enfp20
2 years ago
24 posts
This is where my confusion kicks in. NT is an undiagnosed Adult Aspy, if you learn about the symptoms of Aspergers or ASD, they have difficulty understanding emotions of others, lack mindfulness, suffer great social anxiety, cannot see things through the eyes of others. As a result, NT true lily did not understand what she did wrong. She truly cares about me, but she does not understand my emotions. I cannot blame her since she simply does not think or see the world as the general public does. When she feels shame, guilty, or feels dumb for not understanding, her instinctive response is anger and frustration. She constantly justifies her actions not realizing this only helps her. I know the caring girl that she is, I'm simply struggling to communicate how her actions hurt me and most of all why her actions hurt me.Over time I've learned the best method for her to relate to my concerns is to feel the emotions herself. I just find it hard to intentionally make her feel the pain I feel simply so I may benefit. Her whole life she has been mislabelled as being selfish, a narcissist, or heartless when non of this is true. I cannot abandon her for actions out of her control, even though she is an emotional vampire unintentionally. I'm emotionally drained but daily try new ways for our relationship to become healthy. I don't know if this is even possible, it's killing me but I just can't give up on us due to all we have been through together. She was there when family and my 'real' friends simply stopped caring about my hardships, but chose to villianized me instead.
Enfp20
@enfp20
2 years ago
24 posts
Hi Sandie, thanks for your response. I completely see how your impression seems logical. The most difficult aspect of the situation is that, although it feels this way to me as well, the fact is that her actions and words are interpreted differently in her mind compared to the general population as strange as it sounds. She honestly believes she was only trying to help in the second example and since she could not physically help with the move, so her presence was unnecessary. NT sees the world in a unique way. Her perspective differs from the masses. Let's assume what I just said is true. In this case, I'm seeking help from the community to suggest methods I can implement to reduce the pain for me, understanding NT does not intentionally mean to hurt me.I do not feel right removing myself from this relationship as I care for her, and she truly feels the same. I have tried many ways to communicate how her actions and words make me feel, but unfortunately she simply does not understand why I feel this way. It's extremely complex and hard for others to get it. I don't blame people for not getting it, more reason for my frustration and pain. I pride myself in being able to communicate clearly by quickly understanding how someone thinks and how to phrase my language tailored to the listeners learning style. So far I have failed to execute this with NT also failed to explain our situation to those I reach out to.Peace and love from enfp20
Enfp20
@enfp20
2 years ago
24 posts
Thanks I'll do that. I'm a YouTube addict. I constantly watch videos on relationships, mental illness, inspiration videos, educational, spiritual...My favourites are Ralph Smart "Infinite Waters Diving Deep" and Leo from actualized.orgAbout NT, it usually dawns on me a few minutes after an incident to not take her words or actions so personally. However, I'm still hurt by the energy she gives off during these times
Reckless
@reckless
2 years ago
117 posts
She is controlling you. I would suggest you take a break before she takes hold of the entire relationship with your back against the wall. Don't tell her you're taking a break. Let her be alone for some time. Let her come to you so she will be happy to see you.I'm more than certain lots is missing but you sound like you're overwhelming her. Take the time off before she tries to suddenly end it during you guys arguing over something small.
Lily2
@lily2
2 years ago
3 posts
I work with students in the spectrum. I understand your position because you understand them, and they for once in their lives feel understood by someone, so I know it's hard to walk away. I recently ended a relationship with someone because I realize I need to learn to create boundaries with my profession. It was mentally draining, and he felt it made me selfish in our relationship because I was constantly seeking ways to re-energize myself and didn't give him what he needed.I think if you stay with this person, you need to create boundaries. You need to use natural consequences on top of explaining how her actions make you feel. This might mean on a night like that you leave her to stay at your place and let her know her actions hurt your feelings and you want to be alone that night. Or point it out to her as it happens: i.e. I really can't see right now, and I know you see getting the bottle as an easy task, but right now I'm asking for your help because I can't help myself. People on the spectrum respond best to specific language, you acknowledge their feelings but explain how the rest of the world perceives their actions. It takes time and patience, but you seem like you are capable. Sometime it's hard because you have to put your feelings aside bc you know they really don't get it, but it's just as important to point out how their actions affect others.
Enfp20
@enfp20
2 years ago
24 posts
You are absolutely right. I often have to remind myself to give as much detail as possible when communicating to her. She requires instructions similar to a computer programming language. When I do this, she gets so happy and is eager to complete the task because she has no doubt that she may make a mistake. She actually smiles and hustles to help. I need to have a visual aid to remind me of this. Thank you so much Lily!

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