Feeling as though I'm losing my best friend.

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strugglebunny
@stugglebunny
2 years ago
17 posts

I'm normally good at shielding myself from others feelings & by that I mean being very picky about who I hang out with for long periods of time. That being said, I have a close friend I met almost 3 years ago. We're very much opposites, but it works for us. We've helped each other grow through our friendship, even if we don't see eye to eye we've respected each other, been non-judgmental & all the good stuff that friendship adds to life. Recently though she's been struggling emotionally with a bad break-up. I wasinadvertently her rock after the break-up, going everywhere with her to help her feel less lost & just be her friend. It's draining but I feel as though it's worth it because we're friends & have been for a while & I feel as though the feelings would be reciprocated. That's my expectation I know, but history has shown the reciprocation to be reality...

Anyways, we recently had a tiff because of a guy that's been in my life since I was 8. He came over to my place one night when she was there & she excluded herself from us & tried to manipulate the whole situation. It was as if her energy filled my whole apartment & I was just sitting in the corner. She left to go to the store & when she made it back my friend left due the uncomfortable feeling that came along with her attitude. I haven't felt anything like this EVER! Her negativity/manipulation/selfishness was so HUGE after he left that I was SEETHING! I kept a tight lid on it, but she showed me herself in a different light that night by trying to make me feel bad because HER emotional state was effected; which frankly I do not appreciate. I voiced all this to her -- she eventually apologized. I know she's in a messy place emotionally... I'm just really messed up about all of this.

I feel like I've known these qualities about her for sometime, but maybe I dismissed them? They're so glaring right now to the point of hurt. I'm in emotional pain because I feel as though I'm losing my friend, but I'm also questioning was she even a friend to begin with? I would always take her problems on as my own & not judge her. Right now I feel judgment from her & also lack of care about my life... as if the relationship is one-sided.

Feeling confused & needing guidance, grace & understanding <3


updated by @stugglebunny: 01/17/17 07:21:08AM
one_empath
@one-empath
2 years ago
13 posts

Hm it seems like she is jealous at you.

Then is she really a friend, she is not the one. Don't give to her so much attention. Or simply speak with her.

Surround yourself with good people.

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

I agree with one empath. I went through a similar thing recently with the woman who had been my best friend for 52 years! I could not believe how I was being treated after all that time, and finally stood up for myself and said just one small thing about how one of her comments had hurt me. She ended the friendship because I wasn't "accepting" her.

I posted about it here and was also told she was jealous, and in private, by two friends from here who do not know each other, I was told why she was jealous, and the reasons they picked up were the same, confirming something which had never occurred to me.

I went back and looked over our long relationship, and 10 yrs. into the friendship, found an incident I had put out of my mind, something that would have caused 100% of the women I know to kick her to the curb, including the person I am now. I treated it as a glitch in an otherwise wonderful person, not as a glimpse into the real person behind the phony public persona, because back then, probably at about your age, I believed all people were as good and considerate as I was.

Back then, I also had no boundaries, often a problem for empaths. I had been accepting whatever she said and did for decades, and never judging it, no matter how wrong it felt, but now she would not accept that I had changed and was no longer like a clone of her. I had started asking questions and trusting my abilities, which was not allowed, since she was always right. The friendship ended. I was a wreck for a couple of weeks, not sleeping at all, and becoming enraged, since this was something I was sure could never happen. I have no family and am very sick, and was counting on her to help me move if my husband died before me, since she always said we were sisters and glued together for life, so it also has put me in a scary situation.

Surprisingly, even after all that time of having her in my life, I am now happier than I was before, since I no longer have to hide what I really think and swallow constant hurtful comments to maintain a "friendship" just because of how long it had lasted. I see clearly now that since I trust my ability to read lies, I simply cannot have liars in my life. That is one of the prices paid for the spiritual growth that comes with developing this gift, but growth is good, and that space in my life is now open for someone else to fill, or more likely just for more time to develop myself. Real friends want you to be happy and are not jealous of your other friends. You deserve that and I'm sure you can find it.

strugglebunny
@stugglebunny
2 years ago
17 posts

Thank you! This means so much to me, you don't even know.

The more I grow spiritually the more my eyes open. I don't want to stop growing & I feel as though I'm leaving her behind & it's painful. When you stated that you stood up for yourself & told her how one of her comments hurt you & then she ended the friendship I felt complete identification. This girl hasn't ended our friendship, I feel as though she's still trying -- but when I say I was hurt she responds with, "I'm sorry you feel that way". Which is complete BS in my eyes. The lack of accountability is what's hurting me. Ultimately it is what it is & I know that. I guess I should just try letting it go. I'm praying for her happiness everyday hoping I'll gain relief.

Cheshire Cat
@cheshire-cat
2 years ago
1,185 posts

Hi Anna,

Since she is at least speaking to you, maybe a little time apart would give her a different perspective. If you let it go for awhile, and it is meant to be, it may come back to you, as the saying goes. If not, then at least you did not end it angrily, like in my situation, and that leaves open a possible future for you together months or even years from now......you never know! It will also allow you to be cordial when you run into each other, instead of having to cross the street to avoid her. Praying for her happiness is a very kind thing to do. Few people would do that. She is definitely the loser if she lets you go!

KM
@km
2 years ago
90 posts

It is sad, but I think you said everything that had to be said about this. This was one sided, and you deserve better. The tactic your friend used is called "splitting". If you look up Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorder, you will see that one tactic these folks use is "splitting", which is the same as separating someone from other meaningful friendships, so as to possessively keep the person AVAILABLE to them as they need. I said it is sad, because this "so-called friend of yours" does not have other people at the moment lined up to exploit, so you are it. Having you get involved with other relationships at this time is not in her interest. Your needs have never been her focus, nor will ever be (if I am reading this right).

You are lucky if you are not related to this person. I would run as fast as my legs can carry me. However, you just watch, if this person is truly suffering from a personality disorder (as I for now only suspect), the distancing may not be as easy as that.

Good luck with this. Unfortunately, you nailed it. What you suspect sounds like it is right on. One more thing... listen to your gut. That will confirm it. It is closer to the action than any of us here.

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