Good in small doses

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Enfp20
@enfp20
2 years ago
24 posts

I am a happy person, carefree, love to laugh, learn, non-judgmental, positive, seem to be easy to be around (according to feedback from others).

When I first meet someone, they often tell me how they're comfortable around me. Most of the time, they tell me their life story. A lot of times, i'm told intimate details that are usually reserved to be shared with a longtime friend. I really enjoy hearing people's stories. I only give advice or feedback if asked for it. However, a trend seems to develops that troubles me...

It seems i'm good in small doses. As I spend more time with someone, things change. I end up getting yelled at, or told I need to change this, or that. The person tends to get angry over something I did or said. My intentions are always good, I do not do or say things to make someone upset intentionally, but it seems as though i'm the cause for my companions misery.

I do not follow social norms. I do not worry about problems that happened in the past or may happen in the future. I live in the present. I've noticed that the source of anxiety and negativity seem to be the result of people having a though outside of the present.

I was wondering if this happens with others in this community. If so, do you have any advice on how to reduce the chance of this happening. Is there something in particular that I could be doing to induce this reaction from others?

All feedback, comments, and advice are welcome. I look forward to hearing from you.


updated by @enfp20: 04/26/17 12:39:43AM
Chay
@chay
2 years ago
82 posts

To give a more elaborate answer an example might help. I would like to relate an experience I had years ago. My sister would complain about problems she was experiencing in her life. I would listen and if asked, then I would offer advise. As time went on I noticed she would become more agitated as she spoke with me. She ended up telling me she simply could not talk to me any more. I evaluated what I did wrong. Finally, I realized I am the kind of person that gives advice based on how I dealt with issues. My attitude was if you are going to complain and do nothing about it, then shut up already.

Well, not everyone is capable of doing that. Now, I give guidance, not so much advise. The person I am with needs to find their way. Hence, the guidance rather than advice. The other thing is .... when I realize the individual is not going to help themselves, then I stop trying to help. I just accept them. Possibly they are not at a point in their journey where they are capable of changing or they may never reach that point. It isn't for me to judge or decide for them. It is their journey, not mine.

I seldom find someone I can't help. I am older and claircognizance so that helps me guide them. You will find many people do not accept they are responsible for their choices and blame others. For example, it isn't my fault I hit him, he was pushing me to hit him or I made a bad grade in class, because I could not find a place to study. See what I mean?

Many people see themselves as victims. Most of society are not resilient. So, accept them non-judgmentally. Guide rather than advise. Think of how to best guide them to their own resolution. Help them see options. Does this make sense?

When you guide it helps them learn and lets them feel more in control. They are not going to blame you for a possible solution, because they are the ones coming up with it. Also, they may needs steps. When I was changing my lifestyle to get rid of the PTSD I started with exercising and changing my eating habits. One step at a time. One breath. One day.

I hope this helps. If you have questions or comments, then please let me know.

Love and Light!

Chay

Enfp20
@enfp20
2 years ago
24 posts

Chay, thanks for your reply.

I fully understand what you are talking about. Here is my method of communicating to people who reach out to me for help. I typically start of with, "I can only talk about something I have personal experience with, here's what I did in this particular situation...". I then go on to describe the event, my reaction to the event, and the outcome. I'm good at figuring out what the person will be able to relate to. For example, if I try to explain a situation to my cousin Vik, I would give an analogy related to hockey since he is a hug hockey fan. I have another friend who has trouble seeing things from another's point of view. In her case, I make her experience the emotion first hand. I then tell her the feelings she is feeling at this moment are what I felt in the situation I was describing. I then provide various options, and leave it to them to try one. If they choose not to, I do become frustrated but do my best to leave it up to them. You and I seem to approach this situation similarly.

The person I spend most of my time with is the type of person who prefers to complain and point fingers rather than be solution oriented. I find it difficult to leave the situation unsolved since I have to constantly hear her negative thoughts, especially when I find the issue trivial. Her anger/frustration typically gets channeled toward me. I often feel like a punching bag whose leather is about to tear.

I recently learned the difference between masculinity and femininity, male vs female mind. According to Leo, a woman wants to let her feelings out and to be listened to, understood, and told that everything will be OK. A man is more solution oriented, he does not like to talk about his feelings, rather be left alone to evaluate the situation and come up with a method to avoid the issue in the future. Here's a link to Leo's video from Actualized.org on YouTube, if only I understood this concept earlier in life, I may have avoided 100's of arguments with past relationships.

Masculinity vs Femininity - The Male and Female Mind Fully Explained

I guess my real issue when originally starting this post was how to think before I do. I tend to be impulsive in all aspects of life. I don't let problems, that I consider trivial or petty, bother me. I don't dwell on the negatives and put things in perspective to "real" problems. If someone spills juice on my new carpet, it sucks for sure, but I realize it was a mistake and shit happens. Currently in my life, my cousin (who was more like a sister) passed away, I lost my job, I cannot afford to repay my debt to the bank, family, and friends, most of my family is upset with me, I stay at friends' houses as i'm currently homeless, I'm single at age 35, I may be developing a substance abuse problem, I have no real close friends anymore,... the list goes on. Clearly these examples are not trivial/petty matters but despite all of this, i'm content in life if not happy. People don't understand how I can be smiling in light of all of this. They tell me that I 'should" do this or I "should" worry about this. I typically reply, "why worry? who says I "should' do this or that" etc. This does not sit right with people. In addition, I blurt out comments or commit actions perhaps at the wrong time. Sometimes I hate people, it seems general society worries about everything, anxious about everything, stressed, unhappy, and takes life too seriously. People do not like something they do not understand, and I seem to be this something.

I just want to be myself, but it's hard to find people who accept me for who I am as I accept them for who they are.

TigerLily
@tigerlily
2 years ago
309 posts
Sounds like you attracting negative people. People who want you to fix them, and when they don't like what you say they get mad. I know, because I was like this. You shouldn't at any point say you are your companies misery, they are their own misery. I for many years kept attracting these people. Several months ago I said enough, and just focused on me and worry about me. Now I notice those people don't come near me anymore. Maybe it was me and how I said things to them, but my gosh I just couldn't anymore. Maybe just focus on you and learn to walk away from it and see what other people you start meeting. It's helping me :)
chrismeles
@chrismeles
2 years ago
6 posts
Hi, me and you are just the same :) i get the same feedbacks from people but i guess its because im honest, sometimes i can be too honest. And i notice that i give advices way too much, but its just because i know that i can help them..but sometimes i can get over board and try to force help someone even if they didnt need it. What i have learnt from this is to help someone when i really see that they are in need of my help. I dont force myself into helping them. And in your case, just be you, its not really what you do that makes people see you in a negative way, its just their reaction to it. You were just being you and doing what you thought was right at that moment.
Skeletubbie
@skeletubbie
2 years ago
40 posts

Hi!

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. I usually have friends come and tell me things they wouldn't normally tell me right away.. It's really nice to have them trust me with personal life stories, but - sometimes when I give feedback, they get angry. I don't know if I say something the wrong way, or they don't like seeing it in my point of view..

I have a younger sister and she always comes to me when she's upset. Whenever I give some type of advice (when she needs it), she snaps at me and gets angry. Our connection breaks instantly, and she pretty much throws a wave of negativity my way. I'm pretty sure it's not exactly my fault.. I at least hope it's not. A lot of people in my family take out their anger specifically on me, and I have no idea why that is. I'm nothing but nice and helpful to everybody around me.

My parents tell me that I need to stop worrying about other people, and to concentrate on my well being. The thing is, I actually can't help it. I NEED to be there for people and if I don't, I feel like absolute garbage. I love helping people as much as I can even if it overwhelms me.

The reaction you get is most likely out of your control. It's their control, and they should be able to control themselves.

Negative people love to talk to me.. I have no idea why.

I just want you to know that you're not alone with this. I hope you work things out soon!

Enfp20
@enfp20
2 years ago
24 posts

There are 3 categories of people in my life; family & old friends, people whom I've just met, and general acquaintances.

My family and close friends know that i'm a weird guy at times, someone who loves shock humour (say or do the opposite to what is expected. For example, people politely ask, "Can you pass the sugar please" when someone has it in their hand. For fun, i'll say "Give me that" and snatch it out of their hand. I do this purely for the shock humor. Those who know me, realize this and chuckle. They'lle often say, "you're hilarious dude". Clearly I can only do this with a choice group of my people. I am weird, I find that so funny, i'm a child at heart.

With the last 2 groups, I would never do this sort of thing. I act polite, act the way one is 'supposed' to act. As I become more comfortable with the person, and we get to know each other, I slowly become my self. I tell them that I have a strange sense of humor. There are some who get it, and there are those who don't. The one's who don't share a common personality trait, Low Confidence and Self Esteem. These people are easily offended and are extremely spiteful. Why they are this way is typically due to their past. If I become close friends or spend a lot of time with this type of person (lets call this type "Boonga"), I start to act like my self. If I pull a shock humor joke, they constantly take it seriously, they get upset. I remind them that i'm just being myself and don't take anything I say or do personally, but the message doesn't seem to stick.

I do tone down my natural personality, but it's difficult. I think, the Boonga are the people I have the most trouble with as it pertains to this topic. My friends & close family have certain expectation of me. Most see tremendous potential, but feel I lack the discipline to become what I truly can become. This makes them furious. I get their lectures and mostly get tough love. They look at me and I can sense their disappointment. It is so easy for me to become overwhelmed by their true feelings about me. On the outside they smile and act as if everything is OK. But I know what they really feel about me, I can sense it, I can hear their inner voice. It hurts.

Enfp20
@enfp20
2 years ago
24 posts

"....you say people end up being angry at you for something you said...well...I have a freind who kinda does the same thing....it's how he words things...and he's confrontational....even when the subject has been closed....he'll go over and over it..."

This statement is one of my biggest petpeeves. When someone acts this way, it enrages me. This is so far from being me its not funny.

I believe people get upset at my words because I don't beat around the bush. I don't meander around to get to what I really want to say. People are too sensitive it seems. I do not like fake people, I believe beating around the bush before getting to your point is being fake. The issue is that this sort of thing is expected. When I just get to the point, it feels as though I give off a sense ofarroganceor rudeness. In my mind, it's rude to waste someone's time with B.S. before getting to the point. I respect someone who can come out and just speak their mind. Low confidence and easily offended people I feel are those who generally require a build up to real reason one is talking.

It seems I cannot "bend the knee" and give in to society's expectations. I communicate that i'm not being rude, i'm just being me, and please do not take offence (really I have no clue why it is offensive to simply say, "Karen, do you want to come with me to run a few errands?" rather than "Hello Karen, how are you doing? How was your weekend? Boy, the weather sure sucks eh? Anyways, I was going to hit the mall to pay some bills and maybe shop around, if you're not doing anything, I'd like it if you can join me. If you can't its no problem, but if you're bored, I thoughtyou'dlike to comealong.")

"....telling people THEY need to change something without it being hurtful is really not possible...."

I just want to be me. I don't want to change just because society says so. I encourage those around me to just be you. If the person i'm with outwardly communicates that they want to change something about themselves, then I offer my advice based on my experience. I make it clear that my advice is simply information they will have. They are the ones who will choose to use it however they see fit. And if they choose not to, that's fine too.

"...my own senses are finely tuned thanks to a mother who has a short fuse....so I pay attention to EVERYone....facial expressions...tones of voice...body language....energy....so if you want to avoid the blow ups...you gotta start paying attention to the person your talking to...."

This is my greatest gift of all. I notice everything in my environment. I sense subtle changes in temperature, I notice when something has moved in the room even an inch. Even when not looking at the person i'm with, myperipheralvision notices their bodylanguage, posture, facialexpression,rateofbreathing, direction of their gaze... I often sayout loudwhatever it was that theywere thinking. It freaks them out.

If there is one thing that I am sensitive to, and become upset by (actually I rage and become furious, it is something i have trouble controlling) is:

  • being told what I am thinking/how I feel/or my motive behind an action
  • being accused of something I was not guilty for (I highly value my integrity and character, if i'm accused of something that violates my beliefs or what I stand for and/or i'm against, I cannot allow this image of me to be believed by others without making it clear with facts that the accusation is false.)

Anyways, I was not trying to attack your response. I am grateful that you took to time to do so. A lot of what you wrote is exactly how I feel. I may have given the wrong impression of the way I act in situations that offend others. Perhaps this response will serve as an example of my communication style.

I wonder, did you feel offended by the style in which I wrote this response? It would be interesting to hear your feedback. Please respond Karen.

Thanks.

Enfp20
@enfp20
2 years ago
24 posts

"....one other thing...your energy is quite loud....I've been trying to answer this for the last 2 days and keep having to leave the page....so...energy wise...u overwhelm...."


This really impacted me when I read it. I think I know what you mean. I seem to overwhelm people. I feel noticed everywhere I go, all eyes on me if feels.

Would you mind expanding on this? In what way did my energy overwhelm you, i'm very interested to know...

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
2 years ago
783 posts

Lol....well...it seems I pushed a few buttons...lol....and I'm only trying to help....as I read your response I felt my blood pressure going up it felt to me you were angry so my body reacts to the energy....which to me is anger....your words on the other hand are quite different....they SEEM polite but the under current of angry energy tells me different...you'll tell me your NOT angry...but your energy sais you are...your reaction tells me you are......so yes...your energy comes through with everything you wrote....so...the things you pointed out...what in those made you angry...did you perhaps think I was telling you you were like my friend? I don't know if you are...my friend is just an example of how people miscommunicate through words...lol...and I most definitely have the same problem...lol...

Enfp20
@enfp20
2 years ago
24 posts

I come in peace...I love a good debate, i'm glad you are strong enough to participate without your emotions interfering (hard for most from my experience). Like I said, for some reason I cant keep my emotions in check when I feel someone labels me incorrectly, especially if the characteristics of this label are things I strongly oppose. It reads like you compared me to your friend. I didn't think I was angry, simply pointing out how I differ.

I wear my emotions on my sleeve, I guess i'm transparent that way. I'm terrible with words and it's difficult for me to retain information when verbally communicated to me. I am a visual thinker and learner. My preferred method to communicate is through writing. This way I wont leave out anything (plus there's a cool button that allows me to delete words that may have come out impulsively).

Bonjour,

Enfp20

Enfp20
@enfp20
2 years ago
24 posts

If only you could meet me in person, you'd see why I confuse and frustrate people. Only they don't see my words, they see my circumstances. If they were in my shoes, they'd be in therapy, but the look at me without a care in the world. They don't get it because they could never handle the issues I face as I can.

I was always the popular guy in elementary and high school. We had little street gangs back then, I would always be appointed leader. I was too humble, so I would deny their request. My friends and I got into a lot of trouble, I attended 6 funerals by the time I was 21 all gang/drug related murders. I could have so easily chose the wrong path, all I had to do was say yes. But my parents raised me in a manner to have a limit to my craziness. I was an angry guy around my family. I despised authority. I think you get the picture...

I used to drink every weekend from age 14 to 30. Always for fun, socially, never to dull my emotions. I never understood why someone would drink if things were going bad for them. I drink to have fun, period. I still managed to finish my engineering degree despite my partying. Anyways, I had an anger, an attitude. I guess it was being the oldest of 6 kids whose parents moved to Canada from a small village in India. I was the first to have a gf, go to high school, drive a car, get a tattoo, etc. I learned that if I wanted to make it, I had to hide any signs of weakness and most of all my emotions. This was very difficult because I am highly emotional. I have always hidden them from everyone, in fear of looking weak.

My emotions are what brought on my anger and rage. I alienated a lot of people who were close to me. Yet I would be the coolest, chillest guy to people I just met. One day, I was having some beers with friends at a park in Vancouver. I excused myself and puffed my cigarette and drifted into a daydream. I started thinking about my youngest brother. I bullied him his whole life, I was really cruel to him. I was this way because he is stubborn, doesn't listen, blurts out gibberish, takes all advice as personal criticism, the only one who didn't like sports in our family. Instead he liked comics and toys. I know my bullying destroyed his self esteem. As I thought about this I burst out in tears. I was so sorry for doing this to him. I immediately called him to ask him what he was doing and that I loved him. I can hear in his voice that he was so happy to hear me say that because I had never said it to him before then.

My coping mechanism to hid my emotions was to block things out of my mind completely. Any thought that made me emotional was simply deleted. I couldn't look back or forward, I had to just live in the now. This is how i'm programmed. This is why my words may seem like i'm unhappy, but honestly, I don't think about anything that brings me feelings of guilt, sorrow, etc. I choose to only think about things that make me happy, or the project i'm currently working on (cars, woodworking, electronics, painting, CAD, etc). I guess I'm always into a project because it detracts me from real world issues I may be facing. I'm addicted to feeling good. I crave excitement for that Adrenalin rush.

Sorry, I tend to ramble as there is always soo much going through my mind, the images hop around every second. But the 'bad' images get filtered out.

Emmy Long
@emmy-long
2 years ago
484 posts
"How did you know that you were meant to be a healer?Because I kept falling in love with broken people.Then why are you alone?Because Im broken too so I am falling in love with myself to get a taste of my own medicine. "That's a quote I've seen several times this week show up in my social media accounts. I think it's fitting for a lot of empaths, and maybe you too? It could be something wrong with you; you come on too strongly, you have one of those overpowering personalities. But most likely, you're attracted to broken people like so many empaths are. Take care of yourself first and foremost. You'll be ok.
Enfp20
@enfp20
2 years ago
24 posts

Karen,

A rush of images just came to me, and it's really hard for me to not talk about them. I'm insanely persistent. I'm just afraid to phrase something that may offend, because I promise I do not intend to. This is my weakness, I don't have an off button once my mind gets going.

It scares people who meet me (old or new friends and family) when I finish their sentences, when I describe every thought that's in their mind but their too shy to speak up, When I show up with that item they were craving. When people spend a lot of time with me in public, they get a view of my world, the world where everyone seems to know me, well they act this way at least. The middle class, immigrants and authorities to the homeless and prostitutes seem to feel comfortable around me, often initiating conversation or just stare. I intern simply be myself, I don't follow the heard. I smile at people who seem intimidated by me or seem unhappy. I say out loud what people are feeling as they wait in line at McDonald's. I stick my tongue out to little kids and wave.

I believe communication is comprised of speech, body language, hygiene, the eyes, tone, rate of speech, volume, words chosen/words avoided, and the energy they give off. This along with spending time with someone to get a feel for their values, their personality, honesty, fears, desires, and regrets allows me to make quite accurate assumptions and interpret how they really feel or what they really think. Without all of these, I would not generalize, assume, or interpret ones psyche or true feelings. I simply wouldn't have enough information to base my conclusions upon. I crave information, i'm greatfull when i'm corrected or given advice that may help me. I become a more well rounded human being as a result.

I suddenly got the urge to break my rule in your case. I don't know why, but I think I know what makes you tick. Admittedly, I could be way off but none the less, here goes...

You have basically called me a liar twice with your responses. You imply that the words I use are hiding my true feelings. As if I need to fake my state of mind to the internet. You doubt the integrity of my posts. This is no shock to me, I've always been misunderstood. I have yet to meet someone who takes me for face value. I do and will always say how I feel and what's on my mind without apologize (with respect of course). My natural instinct is to trust people. I give them the benefit of the doubt until they have proven otherwise. If I have no reason to doubt their word, I will have faith in what they say. This faith is lost by subtle gestures that I pick up on and I somehow 'feel' when someone is fibbing. I tend to avoid calling them out, since all this would do is insult them or make them feel ashamed/guilty/embarrassed. There is nothing to gain from this, so just play dumb over little dishonesties. I would have to be betrayed or wrongfully accused to react, and when I react it's not pretty.

Forgive me if this is far from the truth, but I feel your responses to my posts are self serving rather than for my benefit. It seems as though identifying your gifts as an empath and your clairaudience has brought you great happiness. It has given you an identity that you may have lacked in the past. From my experience, those who interpret me as hiding my true feelings of unhappiness or low-self esteem are reflecting their own emotions. If you had been right about me actually being unhappy and in pain, your skills would be validated by those who have read our posts. I'm the oldest of 6 kids in our childhood household, my passion is creativity and knowledge. I believe I have a greater purpose in life, my goal is to identify this purpose, in the meantime, I'm exploring every avenue that spikes my interest. I think outside the box, I welcome information from all sources and welcome constructivecriticism. I do seem to attract 'broken' people, but when I do, I love thechallengeof making a positive impact ontheir life. Bringing a smile to someones face is the most rewarding gift of all. The philosophy I promote is positive thinking, self confidence, being humble, give rather than take, and defend those who cannot defend themselves. This last one must be due to my Sikh heritage. In reality, I don't have time to feel unhappy or in pain, I have naturally put the happiness of others ahead of my own. When I see my friends and family succeed in defeating their fears and achieving goals they never thought they could, a smile on their face is what will make me happy. It may sound corny, but its the truth. I don't even like being thanked, I'm happy to help anyone who I feel deserves it.

It's great that youhave found something that makes you happy and feel good, but please when it comes to me, don't expect me to feed your ego. I'm simply being real, this is how I feel. If it offends you then perhaps ask yourself if its possible that i'm right. If i'm wrong, then your theboundariesyou have established for yourself will not allow me toeffectyour emotions.

I choose to stop replying to anymore posts of yours Karen, nice to have gotten to know you. I want to speak with the responders who made me smile rather than someone who didn't.

ENFP20

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
2 years ago
783 posts

Ok...the best to you....

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
2 years ago
783 posts

And thank you for the reading of me....it's very accurate...the 3rd paragragh is exactly right....that's how I truly am....and when I try to help people it makes me feel good...so yes it is a bit self serving....and I never ask for anything in return...helping people is NEVER and never will be about myself....so I am not offended by anything you've said...no...that's a bit of a lie...cause it does hurt...0..I don't know you....so I do appologize if you found what I said offensive....you did say you admire honesty and straight talk....I guess you were wrong...

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
2 years ago
783 posts

I think I get what's happening....your reading me....your getting bits and pieces of myself and somehow mixing it up as your personality....you don't know how to separate the reading from you....you mixed part of a reading about me with stuff about yourself....

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
2 years ago
783 posts

Now I understand....

Karen2
@womanwhowalks
2 years ago
783 posts

And your right...finally puting a name to my....condition....has made me happy....clairaudience and feeling energy...learning about how it works is exciting and cool...while being kind of scary....but the thing is...I could live without hearing and feeling energy from living human beings...but I can't live without it because it gives me the connection I feel safest with...the spirit world....my ancestors...all of that I hold dear to me and can't live without....they're my guides...my friends..my protectors....and am grateful every day that they are with me.....I don't have a lot of faith in living human beings....when all I wanna do is wash my hands of all human kind....they push me right back in ...I really don't know if that's good or bad...lol....

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