Were they clinically diagnosed with this?
Not really...I mean we can presume that there's "something wrong" or they're not quite "normal" or that they're not treating us how we want to be treated but it isn't really something we can go about labelling and diagnosing ourselves. Psychology is so full of gray and they might seem to fit the criteria in our heads but they might not necessarily be that way. To make it worse, because we've labeled them, our own energy starts feeling depleted by their presence because we've created a relationship with the disease (or what we think is wrong with that person).
I think if you're in a situation that isn't making you happy, then create some distance. Don't tell them about what's going on in your life, try not to get too involved in theirs, even if you live in the same home. Until you can find a way to move out and be on your own, create as much distance as you can. Don't make the mistake of thinking that you "have to" stay or that you "can't" leave or you "can;t" create some distance. You can!
And then say the serenity prayer and keep it moving.
Because self-doubt and I are well-acquainted, I try not to plant those same seeds in another.
I think what I was saying is that your mother is your mother. You can't change her. But you do need to take care of you and learning to implement (not just saying) the serenity prayer in your life may be to your benefit. She's been this way for a good 80 years. She's functional. But the pain you're experiencing is for you to deal with. You've already moved out. You're not around her to have to deal with her stuff everyday.Maybe counseling so you can learn to recover and develop skills will help you? For the things I went through, I created distance. And tried to interact with other people while doing a lot of self-examination and paying attention to how I felt in different situations. That's how I learned what was true for me and what was part of my conditioning. I'm still learning.
I'm sorry you've gone through this. I hope you find comfort soon.
Hi...I don't know if my mother is in this cluster group.....as a child all I knew is she scared me....didn't treat me well...verbally abusive and a few times physical...growing up I never wanted to be alone with her....I never knew what to say to her....I was always waiting for something to set her off.....being a child and trying to defend youself from a verbally abusive parent is futile...so I would simply say nothing....I learned early that when she invited me to respond while she was angry and shouting would only hurt me more....so I learned to stay quiet....wait for it to end....agree to be a better child.....take my lumps....and try and stay out of her way. As an adult it's a tuff habit to break.....being afraid of her....but she taught me to be afraid....it wasn't my doing....and I knew I had to undo it....at some point in my life....and the opportunity came....in the form of texting...we were having a one sided fight....only a few years ago....she doing the yelling....me frustrated and angry....I didn't speak to her...I texted her....and told her everything I'd ever wanted to say to her....i let her have it...as soon as I sent it....a HUGE black energy left my back....it unraveled....was extremely painful....and it took 5 munutes fot it to finally stop....I didn't cry...because all of it was supressed anger....and fear....she definitely didn't like what I said...I didn't care...I HAD to say it....i still can't believe how much there was...and that i could carry it around all these years ...for the past year I've been learning about etheric cords and roots....and have been working to clear up the build up of stuff stored in my body and energy system....and one of the 1st I cleared...and continue to clear are the cords and roots to my mother....when I did that...I felt even better....that voice that sounded like my mother...stopped...it comes back of course when I talk with her...but I sever the link asap....anyway...healing comes in many forms....the right way will show up when it shows up....
Ya...I hated being in the car with her....alone...was always glad when someone else was along. ...she'd ignore me...or have to be nice....lol...I knew even as a child what she was doing was wrong....and I was never able to defend myself adequately verbally. ...was never allowed to....and had no one to defend me....I don't know if there's anything left to figure out....lol...all I know....as a child I was not responsible for her behavior. ...and I don't have to put up with it....I can walk out now....hang up the phone...which I've done a few times....lol...and I don't put up with the guilt trips....or try not too....lol....and I'm sorry you childhood wasn't what it should have been either....a lot of hurt and distrust in those childhood memories....a lot of those are still strong....but we're stronger....I was in my mid 40's too when I took a stand...so you have nothing to be ashamed of...lol
As a child there is no way to put up boundries....the parents are the protectors....and children trust em...and learn from them....if a parent continuously mistreats a child...then to a child there must be a reason....the child will automatically think it's their fault....even as an adult...the child i was is still in pain....in the adult rational mind...we work stuff out....but the child is still in need of assistance. ...I still have trouble with that....I understand what I need to do...but my inner child trusts no adult....even tho I am one...lol....and my empathic abilities tend to get in the way of finding someone to trust...lol... altho...it is kinda good I have the ability....kinda saves me too....
Yup...I know what you mean...after the yelling and high drama it would take a long time to get calm, weeks sometimes...and when I finally would get...well...calmer...it would start all over again....but it was never a true calm cause your just WAITING.......and my mom can be VERY high octive and vocal....quite scary to a kid....
My mother (deceased) was a clinical Narcissist. My exhusband (deceased) was markedly sociopathic; my exboyfriend, ditto. My father (deceased) was nuts; not sure of his diagnosis. I have had far too much experience of Cluster B personality disordered people in other aspects of my life. Cannot bear them, keep encountering them. It's exhausting as they really set off my nervous system like nothing else. I now at least know their energy signatures and trust myself in this. Avoidance is the best option. Life is more peaceful now everyone is dead, though that sounds a bit unkind. People can't imagine what it is like to live with this sort of thing; they can usually project a reasonable and even admirable image to the outside world.
I believe I honed my empath thing to survive/navigate life in my childhood home, and my early training certainly has made me an attractive partner for anyone Cluster B.
While I understand Crownite's apparent aversion to labeling, I have good reason to believe my mother was a "Cluster B" type. She was constantly depressed, angry, mean-spirited, jealous, punitive (though usually not physically), self-centered, melodramatic, and all-around abusive to me, my siblings, and my father. It actually gave her pleasure to see one of us in pain or suffering in any way, kind of a vicarious Baron von Munchhausen type. I escaped from her by creating my own little space in my bedroom, surrounding myself with pretty, comforting things, music, etc. My brother turned to drugs, my sister turned to sports. My father still lives with her abusive behavior, and he is the most non-abusive, kind, generous person I ever met (I'm not going to harp on enablers right now - this is about my mother).
I have seen therapists, counselors, psychiatrists, tried meditation, antidepressants, healers, shamans, and all kinds of stuff. All of it helped. I avoid certain foods (chocolate makes me feel 100 times worse) and take lots of vitamins and supplements - always liquid since they're digested quickly. I have tight control over my life and my very few friends.
It never occurred to me until recently that my "clinical depression" may have been empathy for my seriously disturbed mother. I do remember being depressed as a little kid and not knowing why. People treat depression like a disease; I think it's more likely a symptom of empathy.
Chay, you don't sound mean at all. When I was a kid (pre-adolescent) I studied French. My teacher asked me in French, "Do you love your mother?" I said "Non." She insisted that I really did love my mother and forced me to say "Oui" so I did just to avoid further embarrassment. I didn't feel guilty - I was being honest, and that was important to me. Still is.
Yes, I believe I finally, largely have got them out of my head! It was very hard going for many years until this point, though.
Meditation, listening to my self-talk, lots of self-cleansing and just being aware of the awful messages I was getting from the parental introjects - and a load of avoidance of anyone I finally worked out was repeating or somehow triggering such messages, and hence hideous emotional and mental states - and a lot of reading, etc.
I am still very vulnerable to the old messages encoded in tone and manner (so disdain, contempt, disgust, shaming, anger, guilting, ridicule, etc, from randoms can set me off for days). That doesn't sound like much of an improvement, but believe me it is!
Reading every book on NPD I could find helped deal with my mother especially; I had to constantly revalidate what I was experiencing, it was so crazy-making. But since her death, etc, just not having the poison added in constantly has helped healing over time, along with the awareness of what I have experienced. I still read a lot now and then on Cluster Bs, and NPDs. (They seem to be breeding!)
Not much you can do with the required visits. I didn't have the heart once my mother got ill to boot her out of my life, so I just did a lot of self-care stuff around the visits. In my experience, whatever you do she'll get mad - so factor in your best options and a shitload of selfcare. I wish I'd known about and trusted 'light' work more fully in the years my mother was dying. It was hard to have boundaries at all, though very necessary, then. Draining, poisoning, crazymaking...
This is a Sants story.....growing up my family was pretty big on xmas...family get together...the usual building up of the children....better be good or no presents from santa....etc...at some point a kid usually figures out one way or another that santa isn't a real person....but the parents continue on with the charade....so...one year...I don't know exactly why...I think she was just in a bad mood....suddenly told me there was no santa....and in a cruel tone....I kinda new that..it was just how she said it that wasn't right...it was said in a manner to be mean....and it was said on xmas day...so...later that day...we got a call from my aunt...when I spoke to her she asked...so..was santa good to you this year?... and I told her the truth...lol...mom was standing right there.....there IS NO SANTA....the shock on my mom's face that I would tell the truth on christmas day...and the...YOU SHOULDN'T say thinga like that...lol....still gives me the giggles....lol...getting in trouble for telling the truth...i was very confused at that...but I really enjoyed that brief moment of shock on her face...lol...even at that age it felt like I scored a point...lol
Oh, man. It's amazing how they can pull these stunts and then we still feel guilty and obligated - and afraid of their anger and retaliation, I guess, if we don't do the whatever kindliness they did not extend to us. The fog, the fog, seeping in...
Look after yourself, Ecila.
I know this doesn't have much to do with this discussion....it isn't such a big deal....but to a child it's huge....I remember this like it was yesterday....and that's because of the way the parent was behaving....and that behavior is what set all the triggers in place for her to control me....so...I look at it this way....in order to achieve freedom from her control....I have to eliminate the triggers created by her....it's tough..cause the triggers are all through my memories...even the good ones....and when I have done that...I win....lol...not sure I can acheive this 100%....but that's my goal...lol
Ecila, if you have anxiety problems I'd suggest fish oil supplements. I take a (pricy) supplement called Barlean's pina colada smoothie - it's full of fish oil but you can't taste it. It's delicious and keeps me calm and sane. Truly amazing stuff. They have different flavors, and plain ol' unflavored too.
Hi...yup...she's alive....I have 2 mothers...my adopted mother....who I have the issues with....and my biological mother...I have no idea if she's alive....altho...I kinda think not as I have found one of my sisters who grew up with the family....and she sais no one knows where our mother is....anyway...my heart chakra hurts tonight...had dinner with my parents...actually I ate alone wth my mom and it was good....I was actually relaxing....then my dad came home...and she kinda changed....was odd...she started looking for things to argue about....she got tense...and I got tense....she has a way of probing...testing which button will work....she hit one which is extremely painful....I actually stuck up for myself....and kept calm...and a level tone....but it still hurts....physically...and of course she deflects by argueing something totally unrelated...lol...I do find the change from being nice to suddenly ...well...icky...kind of odd...it was instant....but very noticable...I always watch her closely....looking for the change...it's almost as if she were having invisible help...I have spirits with me...so she would have spirits with her....I get the feeling that someone with her or in her house is using her to drive me away...there were quite a few people in the house while I was there tonight...spirit people that is...I can't really tell her what I suspect since she says she doesn't beleive in ghosts...lol...and I'm trying to be gentle with her cause I don't think her actions are 100% her own...but...no matter what I suspect she and this spirit who is hiding behind my mother...have said and done things that have hurt me....I just don't know what to do about the spirit ....he's a real ass....
I think he's been with us for a long long time....and in a weird way is one of the family...he knows I can't confront him in front of my parents...the'd have me in a rubber room soooo fast...lol....he knows it...and was trying to entice me into yelling at him....I was extremely angry at him....as I was leaving I almost turned to start yelling at him...but was literally pushed out the door by one of my spirits..lol... I know about him...but he has the perfect hiding spot...my mom...